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Dismembered By Grief

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I go to a Grief psychologist, 4 different grief support groups and every seminar or whatever there is available. Knowledge is building my strength to face my grief head on. Faith is giving me the courage to act on my strength. From all I have gleaned, the "harder" I tried to be happy the more elusive it became. The quicker I tried to "get over" or around the grief, the longer & more difficult the process became. I became ill with respiratory illness, full blown panic attacks & crushing fatigue. Medically only addressing these ailments proved futile. So, I did in depth research about how illness can grip me in it's claws. I found that my grief & mourning was so all consuming to my poor immune defense system there was nothing left over to live on. I had cared, unaided, for my husband in his 2 1/2 yr battle with stomach cancer and was totally exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually. And, now, I am totally alone with no family nor children. I am the only one to take care of me.

Grief not only has a detrimental effect on my mind but the University of Wisconsin has established a direct link between brain activity and immune function. I found that by storing up all of the grief and rage and misery instead of working through it, caused the stored up emotions to manifest itself in me as illnesses. Believe me, it did not just occur in my head. It became a real, in my body, illness. I found my mind has the ability to heal my body when driven by positive thought, but it can just as easily leave me in a weakened and vulnerable state when it is besieged by negative emotions and distress and depression. Unconsciously, I had allowed my mind to turn to black thoughts, suppressing my anger and grief by pushing them to the back of my mind and trying to carry on as if everything was just completely normal. Those thoughts don't just evaporate. It was vitally necessary to pull them out and work through them.

Just as my mind can think me ill, so it can think me well. I use positive, healing affirmations & self talk daily, hourly or even moment to moment, if needed. If I think it, I become it. What I project, I create. For instance, my 4 month "anniversary" is coming up Oct 20. If I project or think it will be horrible, devastating & painful guess how it is going to be??? But, I choose to plan a wonderful event for that day. I shall go to our favorite restaurant, order our favorite meal, light a candle while I dine and cherish and celebrate our love and wonderful memories. Sure, I will shed tears. I call these tears *crying for health!* Whether I cry hard or softly anymore, I just chuckle and tell Michael that I am watering the flowers of life again. This is how I treat myself as gently as possible. I call it my "self hugs." Now, I look forward to Oct 20th, Nov 20th, birthdays, anniversaries, & holidays. I did not choose to become a widow but I CAN choose to become healthy and happy by creating a healthy environment.

I did hundreds of hours of research in nutrition, trying to find ways to help Michael's body fight off the ravaging effects of his stomach cancer. So, I know how to feed myself for energy & health. Armed with that knowledge & my humble willingness to face my grief and work through it thoroughly each and every step along the way, I have absolutely no panic attacks, the fatigue has improved by 50%+ and the respiratory system is doing extremely well. My emotional stability is very strong, now. My spiritual faith is the basis of my life's path. I am moving forward through this grief and towards a new life I am creating from the grief I did not request.

As promised by my grief counselor & all of my reading and gleaning, my happiness begins to return freely each time I release more of the tentacles of grief. Michael's loss dismembered me. I am now walking the path of remembering. Healing is the journey I now allow into my life with gracious acceptance.

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Thank you for sharing that...my 4 month "anniversary" of his death date is Oct. 19.

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On Oct 19th, I wish for you a day of gentle transitions that allows you to cherish the beautiful memories of your beloved. I send you many hugs, strength and courage to continue your progress through your process of grief.

In my culture, we offer this saying:

"I send you sweet grass for peace of mind,

Sage to clear your soul,

Prayers carried through the smoke,

A quest to make you whole."

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I am thinking of you today as you have your four month anniversary...I survived mine yesterday as did I what would have been our four year anniversary of our marriage.

God be with you as you await him,


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