How Do I Start

[Guest]

I'm new to this web site (or any) for that matter. I have a very long story where I'm not sure how to start (beginning to present or recent to past). Anyone who could offer assistance in this would be considered a Godsend.

I guess that I have just been feeling like I'm losing all of the right people in my life and not enough of the wrong people. This may sound cold and unfeeling, but that's what it is right now.

Sincerely

Rose

[mfh]

Rose, you came to the right place. why don't you just tell your story in whatever direction you wish...we are here and we all have stories....and we all know pain too well.

Mary

[Guest]

Okay, so here it goes.......8 years ago my husband (David) felt he had to help his aging parents. In his mind, the only thing he could do was to sell the house, sell their condo, and all of us move in together. I tried very hard to convince him of this folly. Our children did not like his parents. They were the Grandparents which chastised and scolded, my parents were the ones who spoiled and loved. Unfortunately, I could not change his mind on this topic, "besides" he would say "they are 82 and 83 years old, how much longer can they live."

In this household, I held down two full time jobs, tried to raise two kids and juggled his parents never ending doctors schedules, bridge games, and hair appointments. After three months I told Dave that I could not continue with the two jobs, both were very physically demanding.... along with all the other tasks on my plate. He balked a bit but decided it was time for him to find a job too. At this time one of my older brothers was diagnosed with innoperable cancer of the stomach and upper digestive tract. At the same time my mother went into renal failure due to her diabetes. Leo, my brother died shortly after his 50th birthday and my Mother passed one year to-the-day of his passing.

I had always been "the Rock" in my family so made sure everything was taken care of for both funerals and that the family could continue minus these important people in our lives. Because my Father was so taken abback by the loss o my Mother, he did not take care of himself. Due to a minor cut to a toe, he ended up losing his right leg up to the thigh. In the mean time my Daughter was diagnosed with severe anorexia nervousa. I had to take here to hundred of doctors, clinics and institutes and in the mean time deal with my Dad's increasing depression. I no longer saw my husband on a regular basis, I had to switch to a shift that allowed me to deal with all this, plus his parents (3:30-midnight).

Everything has now come to a climax, my daughter ended up in New York City in an eating disorders clinic. Dave, my son and I went down last Christmas to bring her back. I had not seen that my husbands health had been failing him. He was also a diabetic, and it wasn't till my daughter saw hime, after several months, that we noticed that he was not well. I finally got him to the doctor and we found out that his liver was basically dead and that his kidneys were just holding on. We got him into dialysis and parasentesis, things started to look bright again untill he contracted a staff infection during one of his parasentesis sessions. 2 weeks later he was gone.

His parents have taken me to hell and back with 4 moves and constant criticism toward me and my children. They don't understand why I can't just continue on as ussual.

[Guest]

In spite of all the chaos and confusion, I still adored my husband.

[Lainey]

Rose,

I'm so sorry that you have to join this forum, but it is very helpful. We've all been to the same place you are.

How long has it been since David paseed on? And do your in-laws still live with you?

You've had the job of caregiver for what seems to be a long time and probably really need to take time for yourself. Is there other family of David's that could take the parents? Can your family (siblings) help you with your Dad? You could end up wearing yourself out, if you haven't already, then what would happen?

It's time for you to start looking after you.. try to get proper rest, exercise if you're able, eat properly, drink enough water and take the time for some "Rose" time.

Lainey

[Guest]

David was an adopted, only child. My other 5 brothers and sister help enormously with my Dad but I can't ask them for help with his parents, my daughter or any other aspect of my life. Although David was ill, he could still handle my in-laws incesant hunger for attention (91 and 92 years old). He still helped me with dealing with our kids, bills etc.... Without hime I feel very lost. I lost him June 13, 2011. I am feeling very abandoned right now.

[Guest]

You do'nt know how much I wish that everyone could go to hell in a handbasket right now.

[mfh]

I understand your feeling of abandonment...but this group will be here for you and with you. You have lots of decisions to make and healing to do and first on your list might be to just take a breath and look at what YOU need. It seems your needs have been forgotten and now you are the one who must figure out a way to meet those. Keep sharing your pain with us and members will come forward and befriend you and listen. None of us has magic wands but we do have experience and love. We are all in pain if we are here. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

OMG, Rose, you have had so much on your plate! I just wish I could be there to help you with some of this. Have you tried contacting senior services in your county to see if there could be any assistance for his parents? Maybe someone who could take them to doctors while you're working. ANY bit of help would be welcome, I'm sure! The only thing else I can think of is to put them in assisted living but without their contribution to the household, you'd probably have to downsize homes or rent out a room. Right now is probably a difficult time to make decisions and you're probably sick of making all of the decisions anyway, being as you've been the caregiver and glue that held it all together for so long. Right now you need someone to take care of YOU! I don't think you'd be out of line asking your brothers/sisters for help with his parents, you're their sister, if they care about you I'm sure they'll want to help you, after all, you've suffered the biggest loss anyone can, the loss of your husband, and you have so much else going on.

Please keep coming here and posting, it's a good outlet and it helps to have the support of others here that understand and are going through similar things. I'm glad you found us.

[Guest]

Thanks sooooo much for responding. With all that has happened so far, I guess I just couldn't think that anyone would actually believe what has happened over the last eight year. I can barely beleive it myself!\i feel like I have been targetted by a master sniper, everytime I try to find happiness and think that I might be able to take another step forward, off goes another round and I'm down again. I'm kinda scared of even trying to take a step forward, it's so hard without Dave beside me.

[kayc]

Rose,

We believe you, I know your life in the last few years reads like a bad script. It makes me feel there HAS to be an end to the bad luck at some point and I certainly hope nothing else bad happens, you've had more than your share. I send you cyber hugs and certainly my prayers go with you.

[Guest]

I actually did have my In-laws moved into an assisted living appartment. They moved themselves back into the house after 1.5 months. I spoke with my lawyer and until they are deemed incompetent, they can do as they wish. This is the worst. I can't even talk to Dave any more. He was always able to give me the courage to deal with these two with compassion, and when things got impossible, he could always talk some sense into them. Yes, he would yell and scream at them, but it seems that screaming is the only way through to them. Calm reason just doesn't work. Problem.......... I am not a screamer!!!!!!

[mfh]

Rose, your titled your post "how do I start"...I know you were referring to how to tell your story (which I am positive no one doubts is true) but perhaps the answer to your question is more about what you do next....I am thinking you might benefit from a grief counselor and a grief support group face to face in addition to being here. It sounds like you need some help in sorting out the pieces and learning which action you take first and some support in taking care of yourself. I hope you will consider that. I did it and lots of others have also. If there is a Hospice center nearby, they will have a group and guide you to other groups....Just a thought but one that deserves serious consideration.

Peace

Mary