It's All A Blur

[mfh]

it is all a blur - January 10, 2012 (it appears that all my formatting poem style is gone not to be retrieved)

i stand on this precarious precipice- knowing almost two years of gut wrenching pain lies strewn behind me... i look out over the terrain beneath and around me knowing more pain lies ahead

you left me here. we wanted to leave together. but it was out of our control. i am so alone without you. so sad, so worried that you are ok- no longer able to care for you.

deep pain fills my empty days. i wake in tears sometimes, having dreamed you were here and upon opening my eyes realize (again) that you are gone

i am surrounded by this world, people busy with their lives-most are asleep, only those who walk (or crawl) this path know its pain, its emptiness, the void, the amputation

shock still jolts my being. accepting the reality of your death is one thing- living with that reality is quite another

it is all a blur those early weeks after you left are erased from my memory but for the pain. my awful soul pain that only i can grasp. no one knows what you and i lost that fateful day.

and so i talk to you-craving, screaming for a response of any kind. i hear your voice in my heart and wonder if it is you speaking to me or my deep desire/need to believe you hear me and respond.

i live waiting one day less, one day closer. making the best of my journey, filling days with empty tasks and empty "fun" and emptyconversations all empty except with those who also walk in pain.

mfh

[kayc]

I almost feel like I'm intruding on holy ground here...I do know what you mean by a blur...those early days I remember the shock, feeling frantic, it's mostly feelings and emotions I remember...the summer passed by and I don't remember much of it...I remember the people that disappeared out of my life, the people that said "any time you need me" and then disappeared. I remember being left alone. I remember...missing him....beyond belief. I remember how hard every step I took was.

[mfh]

Thank you, Kay. It is holy ground...we all have those days behind us....many erased from our memory...like yours and mine. I have no idea how Voice (my publication) got distributed during the first four months. Someone did it...maybe even me....no clue. I do however, remember the scorching pain.

[Queeniemary]

Mary and Kay, I also understand the blur of those first few months, or more. There is so much I do not remember. I was in hospital having had total knee replacement when Mike died, two years ago tomorrow. If not for my daughter I do not think I would have survived. She moved in with me for a couple of months, made me go to therapy, made me eat, I just don't remember much. Not seeing anyone tomorrow, or talking to anyone tomorrow, just want to be alone and remember. The weather here has turned cold windy and snowy. So I will just hunker down. Miss him so.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Good morning, Mary,

Yes, the weather here has turned also and the snow started last night...through tonight. I am glad as I have missed winter...an interior time. Having a knee replaced is tough enough but to lose Mike under those conditions or any condition just added to the trauma. I understand your desire to spend the anniversary alone. As the second anniversary of Bill's death approaches in March I know I will do the same...go to the cemetery and be alone with memories. I find that the blur extends even into these days....I still forget a lot....I am just not very present and it is hard to remember the moment when one is not present. We walk on through this process...an ever changing but steady flow of insights and growth moments. I will be thinking of you tomorrow....if you do need to contact someone...I am here. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Mary, me too, I am here for you also. I'm glad we've gotten through the earlier days. And I don't envy any of you your snow! I haven't gotten over last year's shoveling yet!

Kay

[mfh]

Kay, the snow is really beautiful...not blowing like crazy. I am in my meditation/art room watching it as I work on my publication....I actually have missed it...it feels normal to have snow in January and I crave normal, I guess. I have a guy shovel for me as my shoulder is healing and I do not want to screw it up.

Mary, we are both here for you...and so are others.

Mary

[Queeniemary]

Thank you both so much. Yesterday was very low key. Just read a lot and remembered the good times. I memorialized his facebook page a few months ago, so I wrote him a note on his wall. He would have made a joke about the second anniversary of his death being on Friday the 13th.....he had a weird sense of humor. Just one of the many things I loved about him. Just felt sad, and cried some, but all in all, got through the day fine. Friends called, or texted, wanting to take me out to lunch, come and hang out, etc. The only one I saw, however, was my daughter, after she took the girls to school, she and I share this day in a special way, since she was the one who found him. Praying the third year without Mike will be better. I am taking low dosage anti-depressents now, and it is helping. I got pretty low about his birthday in August, and am just now starting to come out of that funk. I am sure there will be more periods at times I least expect them. Thank you for your support, I know you understand, and it means a lot.

We only got a skif of snow, but the wind was brutal, I am definitely not a cold weather person. My friend Tom just got back from a visit to Germany where his son is in school. He brought me a knit hat, with a fluffy ball on top. I am not a hat person, and it looks terrible on me, but sure is warm.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Hi Mary

We always seem to get through these tough days...the anticipation, for me, is worse but the actual day teaches me to work towards getting more in charge of the anticipation (not there yet, however)...if that makes sense.

The day sounds peaceful and shared with your daughter, how lovely. You begin year 3...I do that soon. Can it be worse than years 1 and 2...I surely will do all I can to avoid that while still honoring and respecting my pain and loss. A delicate balance.

Peace,

Mary

Stay warm. We went from 54 on one day to 16 on the next with 8 inches of snow. Still snowing a bit. It actually feels good...it feels normal to have snow in January and I crave anything normal. I know you get that.

[kayc]

Mary, glad you made it through it. For me, somewhere in the third year it started to get better.

Am supposed to get snow tonight and next several days...not looking forward to it, I got my fill last year. After 34 years of living here, shoveling snow and hauling wood, I'm kind of burned out on it. It is beautiful but so much nicer to have someone to share it with.

A knit hat from Germany is probably really nice, I know they have some of the nicest sweaters in the world. Is it wool? My daughter bought a couple of hand knit hats for me, a real necessity living here in the winter!