How Can I Bring My Dad Home?

[Angelabyrne]

3 mths ago my father was diagnosed w lung cancer. The chemo made him so sick-it was horrible. Last week I took him to his appointment and he walked to the office. 3 days ago he was put in hospice. I often wonder if they hadn't kept up the chemo would he have been cut down so fast.

I'm having feelings of major resentment against his wife. My parents were divorced about 20 yrs ago. They had an affair-she knew he had a wife and 5 children. He left my mother. After many years and my 1st child my dad asked me if she could come over and see the baby. I have never spoken to her. He said, "Do it for me." I did. I decided to forgive and let her in my life. I now have 3 beautiful children and she's been a small part of our life.

Anyway, I want to take him home but she's his wife. She's insisting he stay where he is. I'm angry. I hate her and all the feelings of resentment are surfacing. I hate that she's his wife, that my sisters and my mom can't be with him as a family. It's like he's got this other family and they're calling the shots. I hate that she doesn't even call me to see how I am or maybe discuss why she's leaving him there. She had a nurse call me and leave a message on my phone that my dad's where he needs to be right now.

The pain is like nothing I've ever experienced. I've been very lucky and never really lost anyone close to me. What is making it harder he retired a few years ago. He always loved the guitar so he learned to play, quite well too. It became his hobby. He bought guitars, played all the time, and even made a guitar room in his house. He loves his grandchildren so much. He quit smoking saying I want to be here a long time for my grandkids.

That's what's killing me the most that he's only 67 and lived life-he loved life. He wasn't ready. Why-why-why!!!!

NOw I go to the hospital every day and watch him suffer and ask me why he's there he wants to go home. I lie and tell him he's coming home with me soon. I’m convinced if he was w my mother he would be home and we would be taking care of him. How do I deal w her leaving him there when I want to take care of him? His wife's got cancer too. Can I override her if she's too sick to take care of him? Any words would be appreciated

[MartyT]

Dear one, I'm so sorry to learn that your father is dying and you feel so helpless in this situation. You say your dad was "put in hospice" three days ago. From what I can gather, it sounds as if your dad's hospital has an inpatient hospice facility, and his health care team (along with your dad and his wife) made the decision to transfer him to that facility. Is that correct? If that is the case, I can only assume that his physical needs are such that they cannot be met adequately at home. Hospice is a philosophy of care (whose focus is on providing comfort rather than cure), not a place, and it's wonderful if it can be provided in the home, but sometimes it is offered in a hospital-like setting if the patient's needs so require it. From what you've shared with us, I'm not sure it would be wise to take your dad out of this facility, even if you had the power and the authority to do so. You say the hospice nurse left a message on your phone saying your dad is "where he needs to be right now." What would happen if you asked to talk with that nurse, your dad's physician, or some of the other hospice team members? It sounds as if you need (and as your father's daughter, you certainly deserve) further explanation. It hurts my heart to think that your father's last days with you and all his other loved ones would be overshadowed by such upheaval, confusion and controversy. For your father's sake, and for your own, I hope you will ask to speak with the hospice team so you'll better understand and be comfortable with whatever treatment plan has been developed for him.

[Angelabyrne]

THank you so very much for your kindness and understanding. You seem to understand how I feel more than his wife. I really need that right now. The thing is he is better than he was 3 days ago. That's why I would like to at least try to bring him home. She keeps saying we'll see how it goes. She's got cancer too by the way. And I think I will take your advice and speak to the hospice nurse or the dr. Thank you so much for helping me in what seems to be a hopeless situation for me. Would it be okay to come back and keep you posted on my situation?

Sincerely,

Angel

[MartyT]

You are most welcome to come back here any time you like, Angel. That is why we are here ~ to offer information, comfort and support as you travel this difficult path. Here you are not alone.