Turquoisepony Posted October 19, 2005 Report Share Posted October 19, 2005 I truly, most definitely miss the closeness that Michael & I shared. Weworked side by side no matter the chore.......fixing fences, grooming horses,mowing the lawn, preparing our meals, grocery shopping, working on ourvehicles, dancing at powwows, camping or just breathing together. Alwaystogether. The last year of his life, when his activity was restricted, westill held hands wherever we went. Our favorite time of the day was snugglingwith our little dog on the sofa watching television or listening to music.The first 30 days of this travesty called loss, was fraught with a thundering, ripping agony most difficultto describe. The second 30 days, consciously and sub-consciously, Ifrantically, desperately tried to find someone, anyone to *save* me. (I amso thankful I did not get what I wished for.) This last 59 days, I have doneso much work in healing the loss, the pain, the grief and allowing themourning free rein to run wherever it's course is destined. I choose toalways move forward. I have learned that while I am working through the griefin the loss of my precious Michael, any grief or troubles from the past jumpup to be reckoned with, too. (Oh, yippy!)All of those 35 years, Michael & I shared our identity. With him removed fromearth, I had no idea whatsoever who I was much less actually like myself. Itwas like I was only half of an opinion, or so I thought. It was like, nowthat I am alone, I am stuck with a stranger I am not especially wild about.This was causing fear, anxiety & depression. I am beginning to discover howinteresting and funny and powerful and curious and loving and insightful andcreative I am as me, all by myself, whether anyone else knows it or not.Making friends with myself is another step in my process to become whole.I still long for Michael's involvement in my life I deeply miss the intimacyof hugs, holding hands, his breath on my cheek, laughing at a private joke,sleeping wrapped in each other's arms, cooking together, eating together.But, I am beginning to accept my own worth in life. By the force of starkreality that was thrust upon me, unrequested, by Michael's departure, my goalis to fully realize that our devoted relationship complimented each other andNOT completed each other.I made a conscious choice to accept Michael's passing over. I also chose toaccept that we will always have a relationship but it is simply on a differentlevel. He lives fully in my heart and he will always have my love with him.About 2 weeks before Michael passed over, he said to me "Whatever decisionsyou make in life, I need you to be happy. I will always & forever respect anydecisions you make." So, by choosing a full and growing life is the bestmemorial of honor, respect & love I can ever give him. The main purpose of my grieving is to help me reach the point in my life where I can fully remember my beloved's beauty without the pain!! It is a purpose becoming more real every day! Yes, I lost my soul mate, my kindred spirit.....the love of mylife.......whose face was my moon, his smile my sun, his eyes my stars. Hewill always be a part of me and my life. I will never ever forget him nor hisdevotion to me and our shared love. But, I WILL be happy again. I amstarting to function again. I will be productive in my life again. My lifewill never be the same as the one I shared with Michael, but I choose to create a life that will make Michael so proud of me and the essence of his beauty will live THROUGH me.Tomorrow, Oct 20, will be my four month *anniversary* and I have made reservations at our favorite restaurant. The owners & staff of the restaurant loved Michael very much, also. They created a beautiful large, white candle with Michael's name on it and make a big production of lighting it when they first seat me. Knowing my financial constrictions, they "comp" the meal in honor of Michael. The mood will be an air of celebration with a tinge of melancholy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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