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Another Day...another Step Forward

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I truly, most definitely miss the closeness that Michael & I shared. We

worked side by side no matter the chore.......fixing fences, grooming horses,

mowing the lawn, preparing our meals, grocery shopping, working on our

vehicles, dancing at powwows, camping or just breathing together. Always

together. The last year of his life, when his activity was restricted, we

still held hands wherever we went. Our favorite time of the day was snuggling

with our little dog on the sofa watching television or listening to music.

The first 30 days of this travesty called loss, was fraught with a thundering, ripping agony most difficult

to describe. The second 30 days, consciously and sub-consciously, I

frantically, desperately tried to find someone, anyone to *save* me. (I am

so thankful I did not get what I wished for.) This last 59 days, I have done

so much work in healing the loss, the pain, the grief and allowing the

mourning free rein to run wherever it's course is destined. I choose to

always move forward. I have learned that while I am working through the grief

in the loss of my precious Michael, any grief or troubles from the past jump

up to be reckoned with, too. (Oh, yippy!)

All of those 35 years, Michael & I shared our identity. With him removed from

earth, I had no idea whatsoever who I was much less actually like myself. It

was like I was only half of an opinion, or so I thought. It was like, now

that I am alone, I am stuck with a stranger I am not especially wild about.

This was causing fear, anxiety & depression. I am beginning to discover how

interesting and funny and powerful and curious and loving and insightful and

creative I am as me, all by myself, whether anyone else knows it or not.

Making friends with myself is another step in my process to become whole.

I still long for Michael's involvement in my life I deeply miss the intimacy

of hugs, holding hands, his breath on my cheek, laughing at a private joke,

sleeping wrapped in each other's arms, cooking together, eating together.

But, I am beginning to accept my own worth in life. By the force of stark

reality that was thrust upon me, unrequested, by Michael's departure, my goal

is to fully realize that our devoted relationship complimented each other and

NOT completed each other.

I made a conscious choice to accept Michael's passing over. I also chose to

accept that we will always have a relationship but it is simply on a different

level. He lives fully in my heart and he will always have my love with him.

About 2 weeks before Michael passed over, he said to me "Whatever decisions

you make in life, I need you to be happy. I will always & forever respect any

decisions you make." So, by choosing a full and growing life is the best

memorial of honor, respect & love I can ever give him.

The main purpose of my grieving is to help me reach the point in my life where I can fully remember my beloved's beauty without the pain!! It is a purpose becoming more real every day!

Yes, I lost my soul mate, my kindred spirit.....the love of my

life.......whose face was my moon, his smile my sun, his eyes my stars. He

will always be a part of me and my life. I will never ever forget him nor his

devotion to me and our shared love. But, I WILL be happy again. I am

starting to function again. I will be productive in my life again. My life

will never be the same as the one I shared with Michael, but I choose to create a life that will make Michael so proud of me and the essence of his beauty will live THROUGH me.

Tomorrow, Oct 20, will be my four month *anniversary* and I have made reservations at our favorite restaurant. The owners & staff of the restaurant loved Michael very much, also. They created a beautiful large, white candle with Michael's name on it and make a big production of lighting it when they first seat me. Knowing my financial constrictions, they "comp" the meal in honor of Michael. The mood will be an air of celebration with a tinge of melancholy.

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I am in awe of the love and closeness you and Michael shared. I have lived for 55 years and have never had that wonderful experience. I'm almost fearful of having it now, because I don't think I could stand the loss you're feeling. To have had someone that close and that loving is beyond my wildest dreams............to be able to give that kind of tenderness and love to another and have him accept it is beyond my wildest dreams. What a beautilful life you must have had together!!! That kind of spirit and love lives on in many things around you and in you. Dester

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Thank you for your kind words. Yes, it is a great loss but there is a gentle rebirthing that is beginning to ease the pain. Michael & I told each other often that whoever died first, that the one who left this earth would love the survivor's new companion as much as the survivor did. We felt that was the most precious gift we could give each other besides our love and devotion.

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George and I were in each other's lives only six and a half years, yet we had that beautiful relationship too...always together, always tuned in to each other, aware of each other's thoughts and feelings. It is so hard to be without that, and yet you are so right, we do have to reform ourselves, we have to rediscover or recreate our identity and life. They want us to be happy and we must find our way there...it takes effort and decisions along the way. If we make a mistake in the process we must be kind and forgiving to ourselves...after all, we are traversing new ground the best way we know to!

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...They want us to be happy and we must find our way there...it takes effort and decisions along the way. 

Kayc, Dester and Turquoisepony - I hope you are having a good day today as your loved one would want. smile.gif

I know that it's hard and for me (the old man in this story) I am having a difficult one today - for NO good reason. sad.gif

Watch this and maybe it will help you - I did help me just a bit. unsure.gif


Kindest regards to all

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I'm sorry you're having a bad one today. Isn't it odd how it comes in waves and at the most unexpected times? Your introspection and courage in the face of your loss will surely hold you up through another day.

Thank you for the lovely poem/music. It made my day better.

Donna aka Dester

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