Lost My Dear Friend And Roommate... Dealing With Guilt

[lydiajane]

Hi everyone,

Just over a month ago I lost my close friend; my roommate. I am a 23 year old female, and I have never had to deal with death before.

I imagine that losing anyone close to you would be difficult. The extremely sudden absence of someone that once occupied a great deal of your life is jarring. The way I lost her, however, is extremely devastating to me.

Let me preface this by saying that both her and I are university graduates, from good families, and are overall intelligent human beings.

Unfortunately, none of that stopped us from experimenting with MDMA last month.

Neither of us were experienced with drugs, we didn't even smoke pot really.

But we each took one pill of MDMA, I handed hers to her, and she died the next morning. I was fine.

She was one of my closest friends. I could tell her absolutely anything without a shred of judgment. She was brilliantly funny, always cracking jokes, and making people laugh. The loss I feel is not only great, but also accompanied by guilt.

The pill I handed her killed her. It was hers, not mine, that was wrong.

I wasn't allowed at her funeral; her dad called and told me I wasn't allowed to go.

My best friend was put in the ground and I couldn't be there.

I miss her so much, but feel as though I don't have the right to mourn her.

I just feel like I'm not supposed to grieve because of what I did.

[MartyT]

Dear One,

As I read your tragic story, I recognize that there isprecious little anyone can say to erase the guilt that you are feeling in the wake of your close friend's death ~ but I do want to encourage you to find someone you can talk to about all of this. You have every right to mourn yourroommate, but your grief is complicated by the circumstances surrounding her death, and the part you think you may have played in it. This is far too complicated for you to sort through on your own, and I urge you to get yourself into some professional "in person" grief counseling as soon as possible.

In the meantime, I hope you will find these articles helpful:

Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief?

A New Year and the Burden of Guilt

[Ron B.]

Hi, Lydiajane. I checked your profile, and I see that you are from Vancouver. I have family in Vancouver and have visited your city.

I know about the tainted 'ecstasy' (MDMA) that killed about a dozen people in western Canada. This ecstasy was adulterated with PMMA, a kind of amphetamine with high toxicity. It was an underground drug lab that concocted this poisoned ecstasy.

Organized criminal gangs run these labs, and they certainly don't care about you or me. It's all about money for them, and it's an extraordinarily lucrative business. They don't personally suffer when someone dies from their drugs; it's just a blip on the local news .

Clearly, these criminal gangs and their ghastly drug labs are to blame for your friend's death. They created the poison, not you. They deliberately spread it to your community.

I can't see how you are responsible for your friend's death in any substantial way. The thugs who created the poison killed her; not you. At the worst you engaged in a risky behavior by consuming street drugs.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's a complicated kind of trauma. And I agree with Marty's suggestion that you get psychological counseling. These forums can also be a resource for you; our collective smarts and experience does help with the healing.

Please let us know how your are doing as the weeks go by; I'm still a little worried for you.

Ron B.