2.5 Years Later..i Feel Strange...

[Daughter2010]

I have already tried to start a post here, to express how I feel but some how end up hitting the backspace button to delete my words.

I don't know if this happens to some of you or not. I feel like 2.5 years after my Dad's passing, the pain of the loss is in my heart and at times I feel as if I didn't want to be reminded of it. At times I have looked at some postings here and find myself closing the browser because it will remind me of whom I lost. At the same time, I feel this is the place where I have been blessed enough to have people who care, or at least understand what I am going through. The place where I can say the same things over and over and people will not get tired of it.

I still remember the afternoon we buried my father. I still remember the pain of knowing my 58 yr old father passed away. I still remember the pain of his sickness. I still remember the times he fought so hard to get better. I still remember his laugh, his eyes, his hugs, his love for the family. Why does the veil of death have to separate us?

Living with loss...I am try to keep going, everyday. I would love to be able to hug my father right now. I miss him so much. Why can't I see him in my dreams? why hasn't he visited?

I know he is at peace, he is ok,and we will reunite again, in due time.

However, there are times that I wish I had him here for advice, guidance, to tell him how much I love him. But that simply won't happen.

Life is different with him not physically present. It is painful to remember he is gone.

I feel a bit of anger. I want to help my family to move ahead, but we seem to come across things or obstacles that seem to not take us in direction intended. Dad not being here feels wrong. I know, probably wrong in my mind, at this time.

I know we are all visitors on this earth. One day we will leave too. It just seems just when we start getting attached to this place, we end up having to leave, but when we look into it, it is the people we love we don't want to leave behind.

I know this post sucks, but it is shows what I am feeling. If I tell this to my friends, they would think I really need to "get over it" but I am saying this to you guys,and I thank you for listening to me.

I so wish I can see my father in dreams, so at least I can get a glimpse of him.

Anybody else feel this way at this time in your grief journey?

Thanks,

-L

[Kavish]

Hi Daughter2010,

I lost my best friend at about the same time. It is still fresh with me. But I do believe in life after death as the soul lives on. I live in the assurance that my friend loves me and I hope to live on that hope.

Thanks,

Kavish

[Babypod]

Daughter 2010,

I completely understand what you are saying. Wish I could hug you right now.

Angel

[jodo]

Hi Daughter2010,

I know exactly how you are feeling, I also lost my Dad 2 years ago, and I can relate to everything you write.

I also have trouble making posts lately. I read alot , but never have the energy (or the words) to answer any

I don't know what I'd do without this site, because just as you said - other friends, etc. just don't "get it", My grief

is still as painful as it was 2 years ago. I don't know why I'm not "getting better" ?? I can only think that it's because I loved my Dad SO very much, and life will never be the same without him.

I'm glad to hear from you , There seemed to be a lot of us "Daddy's girls" that joined this site around the same time,

and it seems we are all still having a hard time.

I'll be thinking about you , Hope you write again soon.

Love and hugs,

Jodi

[niamh]

hi Daughter2010,

I'm just over 2 years in and still feeling a lot of pain. I keep going everyday like you do but I still have so many times and days where that longing to see my Dad is so intense. There are still times when something will happen and for a split second I'll think can't wait to tell Dad and see what he thinks.....:-(

Sometimes it still feels like this reality is just a dream. Unfortunately I don't see my Dad in my dreams either and I long for that every night. Doesn't make sense to me considering our closeness why he can't come in a dream, surely I'm more open to it then as opposed to when I am awake and consciously questioning the afterlife.

I still read here everyday but like you there are times when I just barely glance and I want to forget that this is what I am living with now but of course I can't, it's always there.

I can totally relate to you saying your Dad not being here feels wrong, I feel that too, like life made a mistake and I wish it would fix it !

I had to go to a wedding recently and it was so painful, I couldn't enjoy it, neither could my Mom. As well as wishing my Dad was there for it I also had such an overwhelming sadness because not only was I missing him but I felt like he was missing out on being here for it because he would have had so much fun.

When it comes to needing advice I have a real hard time, while I have friends and family nobody can give advice like my Dad and I want his opinion on so much, nobody can say the things he said......makes me feel mad with people at times but of course it's not their fault. There's just nobody like my Dad just like yours !

love and hugs to you, so glad like you to have everyone on this site.

Niamh

x

[Daughter2010]

Hello All,

Niamh, jodo, Angel,Kavish, thank you for the feedback. It gives me the assurance that I am not the only one feeling this way. I guess it is part of the grief journey.

I have been extremely busy the past week that I didn't get a chance to reply sooner.

I have realized that even though my Dad is not physically here, I can look up to his legacy, I can always go back to seeing how he lived and led his life through different situations and it shows me how I can handle this or that. Sure, I would love to get a hug from him, a smile, a glimpse of him. But I also know he is very much alive in a different dimension that I can't go to just yet, and while it is my turn to do that, I can find him in my heart. I can see what he would say or do. He is not gone. He is with me.

It is the physical contact that I yearn, but can't do much about that. Every time I think of him, I remember him as if he were with me, it is comforting in the sense that my father is not gone or vanished. He remains with me , in my heart and mind. He set the example, and that remains with me. My dad watches over me.

I guess when we go through times and trials in life, we feel vulnerable, we yearn for that contact, we yearn to physically interact with our loved ones. I still hope I can see my dad in dreams again, just like that one time I saw him a week after he passed away.

When I go back, and look at my dad's life, he lost his parents early in his life, in his early 20s. I think he was 21 at the time and he managed to keep going. When I think of him I smile but I also cry a bit. I guess it's normal.

He pursued his dreams, he was able to do what he liked and had many happy days on earth, so for that I am grateful because he lived life to the fullest.

I am also grateful for finding this site, because I can express how I feel without feeling judged. I am grateful for each and everyone of you. I know the grief journey is unique for each of us, but we can also relate to one another in what we feel.

Of all the changes that we must go through in life, this is the major one and I think we all are slowly but surely adjusting to our new situation. We don't like it, but we are slowly adjusting. Remember I didn't say forgetting our loved ones, because they will ALWAYS be with us.

A big hug to everyone of you, have a good day and a great week.

XOXO

-L

[Princesspeanut]

Daughter2010,

Woah....I felt like you were speaking right to me! I lost my father a year and 5 months ago. He was 58 also. Im at this point right now that I grieved...HARD for about a year. I dont even know where that year went. It's like a big blur. Right now, I feel weird because I almost don't want to remember. I find myself thinking about him and then I begin to think about his death, the funeral, the days following and I get upset so I shut it off. My Dad used to throw out shooting stars but that stopped and he was in my dreams but that is also much less frequent. I dont know if Im losing him or if I am getting myself back by not obsessing so much.

Oddly enough, my Dad lost his parents when he was younger too. One in his early 20's the other in his early 30's.

Thank you for sharing.

[Princesspeanut]

-L

WOW. I felt like you were speaking to me. I lost my Dad almost 2 years ago, when he was 58 years old as well. I hate to think that it's getting easier. I still think about him daily. But I get scared because I don't necessarily dream about him as much anymore. Sometimes I wonder where his spirit is...I miss him so much and I wish I could talk to him about everything that is going on in my life (and get a response). Im in this WEIRD place right now of not really feeling. Maybe thats because I shut things out, because I want to pretend it never happened. I was in a group of people who had health scares with their families latley and they were talking about how happy their Dads made it. I didnt even bring up the fact that mine didnt. I wanted to pretend mine did too..

[niamh]

hi Princesspeanut,

Wow it's hard to believe it's almost 2 years for you now too, I remember when you joined, the time really flies we are so much farther down this road. I think you not feeling is sometimes a good thing, it's like our minds just decide enough for now time for a break from the trauma of it all so I think it's good when it happens, gives you a little rest.

I can so relate to others who have family who pull through health scares, I've seen people pull through SO MUCH more than my Dad and while I am glad for them it always makes me wonder "why not my Dad". There's nothing ever fair about it.

I often wonder about my Dad's spirit too, I try to talk to him but I get weary from it all being one way wondering am I talking to myself in vain. Like you I wish I could talk to him about so much in my life from the serious to the tiny little "silly" conversations that were just me and Dad chats.

special ((hug)) for you, I guess the anniversary is coming up for you. I hope maybe you'll have a nice dream about him (maybe a "visit" type dream)

Niamh

x

-L

WOW. I felt like you were speaking to me. I lost my Dad almost 2 years ago, when he was 58 years old as well. I hate to think that it's getting easier. I still think about him daily. But I get scared because I don't necessarily dream about him as much anymore. Sometimes I wonder where his spirit is...I miss him so much and I wish I could talk to him about everything that is going on in my life (and get a response). Im in this WEIRD place right now of not really feeling. Maybe thats because I shut things out, because I want to pretend it never happened. I was in a group of people who had health scares with their families latley and they were talking about how happy their Dads made it. I didnt even bring up the fact that mine didnt. I wanted to pretend mine did too..