Now What?

[carcarkurtz]

I lost my great-granddaughter to leukemia in January, a boss and dear friend to cancer in March and now June 10th I lost my son after his 9 month battle with esophageal cancer. My first born. He wasn't just my son, he was my friend and our business partner. He was born when I was 16, so in some respects we grew up together. We have always had a special bond.

So many feelings & emotions run through me. Sometimes I laugh at someting, and then I feel guilty that I shouldn't be laughing, my son is gone. His boys are without a father, how can I find humor in anything? Othertimes I feel like I can barely make myself get up and go to work. I just want to get in the car and drive and drive and drive - as if getting away from here would ease the pain, I know it won't.

I feel like I'm trying so hard to be strong for everyone, my other kids, my dad, and my 2 precious grandsons who are without their daddy, and so I hold in the tears.

I want you to understand, I love all of my children and wouldn't want any of them to die, but I find myself wondering "why him? why take the one who was living life the way he should, who was raising his boys and running a business?" And then of course I feel like a horrible mother for even thinking that.

Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. How long does this last? Will I ever feel normal again?

[MartyT]

My dear friend, my heart breaks for you in the wake of these unspeakable losses. I am so very sorry.

Your first-born son died barely two weeks ago, and already you're asking how long your grief will last, and if you'll ever feel normal again. Asking how long grief will last is like asking "How long is a piece of string?" A piece of string is as long as it is, and grief takes as long as it takes ~ there is no time frame for it. What is more, to expect to feel "normal" again (whatever that means) ~ Well, I'm afraid that after a loss like this, it is unrealistic to think that you'll ever return to the way you felt before your beloved son died. Your life is forever changed as a result of this loss, and there is no going back to the way it was before. As you come to know the members here, you will find that we talk about finding a "new normal," and that is different for everyone. Each of us must find that new normal for ourselves.

I can assure you that you are not "going crazy," even though I know grief can make you feel that way. You are experiencing so many confusing thoughts and emotions right now, and you are so very new in this grief journey of yours. I think the most important thing I can tell you right now is not to expect to travel this journey alone. There are many resources available to you, and in addition to the support I know you will find here, I hope you'll consider reaching out to discover some of them. Are you familiar with The Compassionate Friends? I also encourage you to explore some of the other links you will find listed here: Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild ~ and please know that we are holding you in gentle thought and prayer.