Death Day March

[Cheryl]

The month of August begins the death march for me. It will be the three year anniversary of Mark's passing on the 25th. As each day passes I'm finding my thoughts drifting back over the past three years and all the changes. It's like a silent march leading up to that dreadful day. My emotions seem to be both up and down. The pain surfacing unexpectedly when I'm alone and the house is quiet. Of course I still miss that old life.

The past four months have been very nice with a great guy entering into it and making the pain much more bearable. It's amazing how as humans we can love again. I think the best part of falling in love as a widow is that you know how precious love is and how fragile life is. I know that at any moment it can all be taken away. Yet the soul longs to feel loved and the body yearns to be held. To have the opportunity to connect a second time in life is indeed a gift.

I watch as my children mature and become confident. Birds ready to fly from the nest but wings not strong enough to sustain flight. I struggle as there mom to make all the right decisons and be both mother and father. Knowing that these teen age years are hard enough and fearing the scars their father's death have left behind. But we all push on and we all adapt and we all are fighting for happiness.

Each day is an opportunity to live. For the newly widowed these opportunities are just surviving the pain. Life can feel so far away and empty. I remember watching the world move around me unable to engage or even comprehend the passage of time. Just one blurry day after another. Please understand that this too will change. Life continues on and at some point most widows/widowers find meaning and strength from their loss. You begin to realize that death has made you stronger and a better person. It becomes an opportunity to change and evolve into something better. My goal is to be happier with myself than I was before Mark died. I am close to reaching that goal. My dream is to feel once again the security and happiness that a soul mate can bring. So as I travel through the month of August I try to understand the lessons my grief carries with it. I truly believe that each painful part of our life can bring a positive reward.

My prayer is for perseverence and relief from all our painful moments. Cheryl

[kayc]

Cheryl,

You sound so happy and optimistic! I am glad for you, I hope all continues to go well.

I know the anniversary of the death always draws us back...it's just something we'll never forget.

[Queeniemary]

Cheryl, the weird thing is that you don't even realize things are changing, until you wake up one day, and realize that you are laughing at things again, and taking joy in things. This is such a cliche, but time really does help, or at least it did me. I thought in the beginning that I would never be happy again, but although I am not in a new relationship, I am finding joy in my life, and I do hope for a new relationship someday. I don't think I am quite ready, as I seem to shy back from dating right now, but I am hopeful that will change for me. I would like to be part of a unit again. It would not be the same as with Mike, but I think it could be good also.

Thanks you for sharing how you feel.

Mary (Queeniemary)