Lost

[zeeks]

After Roger's death I felt lost... alone and empty. But I had made a promise to my granddaughters mother to be there and care for them as she would. One problem remained, my son turned his grief inwardly to drugs. He had a significant other and two other children. I asked repeatedly for help... they fought my son and his wife; it was hard to care for the 2 I had and remain calm when the other 2 were awoken in the night to be taken with the parents when they had no where to go, they were almost used as a weapon. Something to bargain with; I realize that my son, even as he was an adult never dealt with his mothers death when he was 8; now he was not dealing with his fathers death and he was an adult. How could I manage, how could I help? So I called the department of human services for help. They try took my other 2 grandchildren to foster care... because the parents, my son and his wife turned up not clean in their urine. Everyday since has been a guilt fight within me...they did not get their children back despite clean U.A's I paid for, or the work they did to attempt to clear their names. Now I constantly get the guilt trip forced on me with my 2 granddaughters... all 4 are biologically my sons... it is like a wedge thrown in the mix, constantly I fight to keep "normalcy " for them. Yet never winning unless I distance myself and them from their father and step mother. But I can't seem to do that, for I feel a conscience to my son. To the world he is my step son, to me mine.

Any questions out there? What do I do? I can't get ahead because they use me up! Help!

[kayc]

I was going to reply to this last night but I was too confused about it and being tired thought I'd figure it out in the morning. But I'm still confused by some things you wrote.

You say "they fought my son and his wife"...WHO fought them?

Why are you taking care of your grandchildren...why isn't their mother with them? I'm just wondering why you made a promise to her instead of her taking her own responsibility...and your son along with her. This all sounds confusing, and if it is to me, it certainly must be to the children! I don't think I'd allow someone to "come get their children" in the middle of the night, I think I'd tell them firmly to come back at 7:30 am, it's not good for the kids to be disrupted like that, they need their sleep and their meals. Whatever the parents do should be prearranged or no can do, JMHO.

If you turned to Children's Services for help and they removed the children from your son's care, they had their reasons and they usually try to do what is in the best interest of the children. I know you love your son, but he is an adult who is making his choices and that carries with it consequences...consequences which you and no one else can shelter him from and would be wrong to do so. I can't speak for Children's Services, but I dare say they must have their reasons...you can ask them but they probably won't tell you, citing privacy; however, your son can ask them why the children haven't been returned and what does he need to do to get them returned to him. It could be there is more to it than you know, something you haven't been told.

Please don't feel guilty for trying your best to do right by the children; they are, after all, what counts the most. It is those little ones that can't speak for themselves, can't meet their own needs, that need protection and care. Your job is done with your son, now you can only pray for him and leave his life between him and God. Sometimes I think being the parent of a grown child is one of the hardest things in the world. Our job, for the most part, is done, and we have no jurisdiction there any more, but we see things we wish we could change or direct. It's frustrating at best and I think sometimes our only recourse is to let go. Easier said than done, I know.

(((big hugs to you)))