My Story

[KristinP]

Where do I begin, I guess it all starts with Dan. He was my fiancee, my partner, my best friend. We were together for years; we planned on getting married but we just never got around to it. It was just a piece of paper and without it didn't mean we loved each other any less. Dan was a diabetic but we pretty much had that under control for the most part, sure there were ups and downs where it was concerned but not life threatening. Almost three years ago we decided to move to Tenn to be closer to his kids; Katie and Emily who are now only 13 and 11, to young to have lost their father. Only a few weeks after we got here did I have to rush him to the hospital where he was diagnosed with end stage renal failure and put on dialysis 4 days a week with sessions lasting 5 hours at a time. We knew it was serious but never did I think it would take his life so quickly, I mean I know people who have been on dialysis for years. It took a lot out of him, I could see that, he was tired more oten and other times he just had no strength to do much of anything. We just couldn't get his potassium under control. On the evening of the 13th he started throwing up, he though he just had a stomach bug and we went to bed. Early the next morning he got me up and told me that he was throwing up blood and that when he went to the bathroom there was also blood, so I called an ambulance but wouldn't go with them I rushed him to the hospital myself. His potassium was really high and they couldn't get it under control. When that happens it causes your organs to shut down, which it did and then caused him to go into cardiac arrest. They tried for a half hour to save him but they couldn't. My whole world came crashing down that afternoon. It was so hard to have to call his parents to tell them their son had died. Since Dan was so sick since we moved here we didn't go out much therefore we really didn't meet any new friends, well except for Brenda and she's been a God send through all this, but I try not to lean on her to much since she just lost her partner suddenly three months ago herself. Unfortunatly most of my friends and close family are back in NJ so I'm alone here that just makes this even harder. Sure they call and email but it's not the same a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I'm no stranger when it comes to loss, my mom died when I was 18 and my dad when I was 29 and I've lost some close friends over the years, sure they all hurt a great deal but it's different when it's the person you spend every day with. I know the stages of greif I've been through them before but somehow I just don't know how to get through them right now. I know in time I will, that it will get easier but this time when that finally comes I just don't know what to do without him, he was such a big part of me and I lost part of myself when he died.

[mfh]

Kristin, I am so so sorry. Your story is so sad and you have to be in shock these days. It all happened so fast and so far from home and family. I am sorry. I am glad you came to this forum as I know all of us here will reach out to you. We are all at different stages of our loss and all have different stories but the common denominator is that we understand the loss of spouse/partner.

One thing we have learned about grief is that the various feelings come and go in no order. It is like standing on a beach with your back to the water. You know a wave (of grief) is coming but you do not know whether it will be a tsunami or whether it will wash past your feet. We can be angry or sad within 10 minutes of each other. I have learned to go with the flow, live one day at a time, stay in touch with those who listen and take care of yourself. Grief is exhausting. You might go to Marty's website (she is the moderator here) and find some articles to read and a ton of information about books and more. www.griefhealing.com

Just keep posting. People come and go off and on all day and will respond. This is a painful journey but you are not alone...many are here and will be here for and with you.

Peace,

Mary

[KristinP]

Hi Mary,

Thank you I appreciate the support, it's much needed right now. Yeah I guess I am still in shock. I'm glad I found this fourm too, it helps talking with people that really understand. Sure the people around me are very sympathic but really don't know what it's like because they haven't been through it. I do have two friends that have been but one just lost her partner a few months ago so I try not to lean on her to much and the other is a friend who I grew up with who has now lost two wives, the last was also a childhood friend of mine. He's been a Godsend, and has been there for me everyday, I don't know what I would have done without him. At least for me it helps to hear how others deal with this and to see how some have come so far. My emotions are so jumbled now, I cry all the time. One minute I'm sad filled with such a sense of loss and the next I'm angry and keep asking why or I'm angry at myself for not taking better care of him but through it all I feel empty and alone and have so many regrets. I know in time I will learn to deal with this better but right now I just don't know how.

Thank you again it means a lot to me to see others care and more so that they understand

Kristin

[terp8r]

Kristin, I'm so sorry for your loss, my husband crossed over last year on July 4th. I have said before that I wish we could all be close enough to comfort each other with hugs and words of understanding. But, this forum is the next best thing. Know that you are not alone and you have many that are hurting for and with you. I hope you have some moments of peace tonight. Peace and love, Pam

[KristinP]

Pam,

Thank you I appreciate that and I'm sorry for your loss too. I'm glad I came across this fourm everyones been so nice and that really does help.

Kristin

[kayc]

Kristin,

Your story is so sad, I am sorry you are so far away from your friends when this happened. Maybe you could look for a grief support group in your local area, it'd give you some new friends who would understand what you're going through. It might take a few times to feel a connection, but I'd give it a try.

You must still be in shock, it's hard when it's so unexpected to digest it all. Have you seen his kids since, how are they doing, do you know?

You are right, losing a parent or friend is bad enough, but when it's your life partner, it affects every avenue of your life. Hang in there. I hated hearing how "it just takes time" because that was something beyond my control, but I did find that with time the intensity of the pain lessens to something more manageable.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[KristinP]

Hi Kay,

Thank you I appreciate the support. I did think about going to a support group but I'm moving back home in a couple of weeks. I'm going to go stay with a good friend for a little bit until I can figure out what I'm going to do. Since I won't be here long I figured it would be better to find a group when I get back home.

I am still in shock it's been so hard. I have seen his kids. His ex had me come over the day he died to talk with them. Katie, shes the oldest at 13, she's internalizing it mostly, she hasn't been able to cry yet. I tried to explain to her that that's it's ok that she would when she was ready to. She has a lot of guilt right now because she had been avoiding his phone calls the weeks before he passed. She was mad at him because he did see her as often as she would have liked. He knew that, we had talked about it and told her that he wasn't mad at her for it, I hope that helped her. Emmy shes only 11 now. She's bipolar and very emotional, she crys all the time. She's having a really hard time and my moving is making it worse for her, she dosen't want me to go. I tried to explain to her that I had to but that I'd always only be a phone call away, that she call or text me or email or message me anytime she wanted. She has texted me a few times since then and she still seems so upset.

I know you're right about the time thing and I'm sure it will get easier but the not knowing how long that time is can be unbarable. I'm doing my best to hang in there. Thanks again for everything.

Kristin

[Guest babylady]

sorry for your loss. my husband passed 3 months ago from brain cancer. he came home from work on 2/28 -- ate dinner and 1/2 later he had a seizure. he died 3 months later.

i'm alone too. we live in a semi remote area and because i have health problems we didn't make friends. my massage therapist has become my friend and i don't know what i'd do without him.

we don't have any family here. we're originally from NYC and i have a few friends back there who are very supportive. one sister is in S.C. and the other is in canada. been in phoenix for 23 years.

sending hugs to you.

[KristinP]

Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss as well. I certainly can relate to being alone and having health issues too. It makes it so much harder I think when there isn't anyone close. My friends and family have been very supportive too and I'm very thankful for that. I'm glad that you at least have one person there. I have Brenda and she's been so helpful.

Hugs back

Kristin