Gf Of 11 Years Leaves Me

[weasel]

Hi everyone, I really need some advice about my recent break up. We were together for 11 years and have always managed to sort out our problems as they were never anything major. Earlier this year I lost my Father, I was unable to cope with the loss and she was there for me.

2 months after we ran into some issues, I pushed her away because I couldn't handle the way i was feeling, i was depressed all the time, i had trouble sleeping,eating, concentrating etc. Its being 6 months since she left me and although we have being in contact and i have explained to her that it was wrong of me to do what i did, she still doesn't seem to understand what I am going through. I wanted to get back but she doesn't want to as she makes excuses like we need to figure out our careers first before we think about a relationship and i am a big distraction in her life. I honestly cant understand how she can say she loves me and misses me but only wants to be friends for now, i couldn't accept what she wanted and i know there is no1 else in her life but maybe she is no longer in love with me. We get along very well when we together but I want to move forward with her and it seems as if she is having doubts about us.

I have now started taking medication for depression as things doesn't seem to get better and i feel much worse now, i have being to a therapist which didn't seem to help. We haven't spoken for a while and her life seems to carry on as if i never existed whilst I am having thoughts of suicide. Its seems as if she is hiding how she really feels. Is it normal for her to feel this way? After 11 years of being together, Is it right that she wants us to work on our careers before we get back?

[kayc]

Welcome to this site, and I am very sorry for the passing of your father. You say your GF couldn't understand what you were going through...of course she couldn't, not if she hasn't been through it, and even then she might not understand because every parent/child relationship is unique and everyone handles grief in their own way. So it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't understand.

You say you pushed her away...yet now you don't understand why she holds you at arms length. I know your feelings just are, and need not make any sense, feelings often don't, but really, if you could read these words objectively as if you weren't a part of them, it might help you understand what is going on better. Whether or not she truly feels, after 11 years, that she must focus on her career before she can consider a relationship, or whether it's just her way of stating she needs to be pulled back a bit, but just as she had to accept your pushing her away, so you have to accept her decisions. I know that's not easy. None of us can have what we want all of the time, and that's part of respecting each other's decisions. You can't force her to change.

You say the therapist wasn't a help, I would highly recommend seeing another grief counselor to help you understand all that you've been going through and be able to find your way through it. It's neither quick nor easy. I lost my husband 8 1/2 years ago and the journey has been ongoing and I am still learning/growing from the experience. It has taken more effort and time than I can explain to accept his death and learn to do life without his physical presence in it...and to incorporate his spirit into my everyday life. Learning to focus and acknowledge what is good, being mindfully present. Learning to be on my own, without him to turn to, excepting the knowing he is still alive, albeit in different form, encouraging and comforting me through life and it's "stuff".

I would suggest that you be a friend to your XGF, and who knows what the future holds, perhaps you will wind your way back together again, perhaps not, but it will not likely ever be as it once was.

I was engaged a few years ago...my fiance broke up with me as his mom was dying and he was taking care of her. It was abrupt and w/o warning. The pain was immeasurable! When after her death, he resumed contact, he gave mixed messages, further hurting me and stirring it all up, and I finally realized I couldn't go through that...I put a wall around my heart to protect it. We have remained friends but not once has he tried to get me back, although he says he still loves me, so I was wise to handle it the way I did. But we are good friends and I have learned to accept that that is good too. Sometimes someone just goes through something that forever changes them...and changes things in their lives as well.