Christmas Card Craziness, Etc.

[Maylissa]

Whoa! Depression has suddenly hit me like a brick! Had decided to do cards this year, unlike the last, and it's tearing me apart, one card at a time. Writing to certain relatives was hard enough, trying to find something to say and skirting certain subjects because of my anger towards them for abandoning me in my sorrow, but then I was just made aware that Christmas Day is only 9 days away ( how did this escape me?!?! ) and we've only received 3 cards ourselves so far, becoming just another painful reminder of how few people give a crap about me/us. To top it all off, I just got the most pretentious card I've ever received, everything so colour-coordinated, hand-lettered in glitzey script, with a professional, artsy-fartsy family photo as the centerpiece. It took my breath away AND made my heart sink to the floor. I was having a hard enough time with this season as it was, without seeing how perfect and seemingly-carefree, abundant and happy other, more fortunate families are. I don't know these people all that well, so I can't say if they're really down-to-earth underneath all this surface glitter, but I do know it's the icing on the cake of my feeling like such a loser this year because I'm still grieving, still having to struggle through each day, still battling all sorts of demons inside from the family issues around my losses. While it was nice to be remembered, this kind of show-off 'greeting' was the LAST thing I needed! "Merry Christmas", indeed! Maybe for SOME people!

And yesterday our furbaby started showing signs of getting ill again, not 2 days after stopping the drugs she'd had to go on....right before the holidays, this just had to happen again! This fear of illness, suffering and death is right in my face, every day....dogging me, dragging me into a pit of despair. I can't ignore it. Tonight we're invited for a seasonal pot-luck gathering, and because of her illness, I don't even know yet if I can join my husband, or if I have to stay home to keep a close watch on our gal, while he goes out. Neither of us is happy. How CAN we be? It's been one thing after another, for 2 long years. I just don't have any more energy to try to be strong. Every little setback feels like a 10-ton weight upon my shoulders. Is it just me, or is anyone else affected this acutely during the second year of mourning?

Edited December 16, 2005 by Maylissa

[FUNNYFACE]

I know what you mean about Christmas cards. My mother passed away in Sept. and my father in March 2005...I am a only child and was very close to both of them......now it is Christmas time....my used to be favorite time of the year....not this year.....My husband mentioned Christmas cards right after Thanksgiving...I told me I had no intentions of replaying my Mom's illness and death over and over again and would not be sending cards out this year....if he wanted to send cards he could have at it....

There are no decorations, inside or out and the only reason I have shopped is because I have a son and daughter-in-law to buy for....I could care less about Christmas Eve, Day anything....I just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over me.....I miss my Mother especially so much...father had Alzheimers so we lost him years ago...

Hang in there....we all are in the same boat......Funnyface

[Maylissa]

Thanks, Funnyface. I know I'll get through this Christmas and New Years (my Mom died Jan.2, so close ), just as I did last year, the first year....at least if nothing bad happens to my furbaby as well. I've since ordered 3 cut-glass memorial ornaments that are personalized and hope they arrive before the holidays. I'll be doing the candle ceremony that Marty T. mentioned, with the ornaments included if they arrive in time, so that might help some. One just can't help wondering, in these earlier stages, if that old warm feeling surrounding holidays will ever come back. It used to be MY favorite holiday, too, and like you, no more. You hang in there, too, as much as you can and we'll all get past this time of year together.

Warmly,

Maylissa

[FUNNYFACE]

Maylissa......You hang in there too.....found out today that my husband of 38 yrs will need a heart catherization .....they wanted to do it during the holidays but will wait until 1/6/06.....of course with all the upset with losing my Mom..now I have to deal with my husband having something seriously wrong....I guess when you reach a certain age these things just keep piling up ....one thing after another.....

You try to have as good a Christmas as you can and I will do the same.....

Funnyface

[Guest Guest]

Funnyface,

Oh, I'm so very sorry to hear you've had such bad news with your husband! Yes, it does too often seem ( or is ) that we get far too much on our plates all at once. And to have this right at holiday-time is a terrible, extra burden. I'll send prayers for you and your husband. I know it won't be so easy, but I hope you can spend some wonderful time together during the holidays, before he has to go in. For what it's worth, 'Merry' Christmas to you both, from me.

[Maylissa]

This last post was from me, Maylissa, but it logged me in as a Guest again.

[FUNNYFACE]

Thank you Maylissa.....just when we think that we are as low as possible...the phone rings and we desend lower. One of my husband's friends passed away 12/26/05. He had terminal cancer and wanted to go home for Christmas so Hospice got him a hospital bed, etc and he was able to spend Christmas with his family then died the next morning at home.......it has hit both my husband + I hard and he has had so many discussions with me regarding what would happen if he left me like that.......this really upsets me with the pending heart procedure that he will have done.....went to the "viewing " tonight and I was unable to stay in the church ......couldn't even look at the flowers that were there.......reminded me of my mother+father's .......had to leave......

I guess time will heal like everyone says......we all made it through Christmas didn't we.........

Thanks for the support.....

Funnyface

[PattiR]

Is it just me, or is anyone else affected this acutely during the second year of mourning?

Maylissa...

I will join you in saying that the holidays were bloody awful. So many reminders...my best friend, Jo Ann, died Christmas Eve and my father the day after Christmas of '95. Loosing both within days of each other was horrid. Then on the 15th of December '05, (Yes, just a few weeks ago.) my fiance' had a massive heart attack while at the bank on business and they couldn't bring him back.

For near a decade I lived with terrible holidays and were so looking forward to this one with my Ed and his family. I had actually felt like celebrating this past holiday season and knowing that 2006 was going to be OUR year....going to look at a house after the holidays were over with, settling his daughter at college's summer session, and marrying to give us a life of our own. I was in gear to see that this was going to be a grand one...had picked up his Christmas present that I had commissioned for him the day before, had been cleaning silver for a surprise dinner for two, dragged out my mother's antique ornaments and the little tree...and make up for all the years in sadness.

Back to Christmas cards...My cards were all set to go with pics of the two of us and hinting of a mid-summer wedding in my "newsletter." The cards were stamped and sitting on the counter in the kitch when I got the call from his family of what had happened. I stood there in the kitch just staring at that pile of paper; that's what it had become in a heartbeat. I just picked them up and dropped them in the garbage. And then I broke.

I feel like a darned "drama queen" with this happening. It is funny how you recall such things when disaster strikes. Definitely not a Kodak moment.

I will never write out another Christmas card. I give up on the holidays...no one called me to see how I was doing Christmas Eve, Christmas, or New Year's...his family has deserted me in their grief and I've none to speak of. All my friend's have their own lives and were just too busy or heading out of town.

Now I am sitting here awaiting a call any day from his eldest daughter to see if she can get back the engagement ring. She was asking about it at his service on the 18th of Dec.

Happy holidays...not!

[Maylissa]

Dear PattiR,

First, let me express my sincere condolences on the passing of your fiance', and right before Christmas, no less!...and belated condolences for your best friend's and father's deaths, as well. All of this must be truly awful for you! I can certainly see why you'd give up entirely on this season, and would likely do the same myself, given the same circumstances. I can just imagine the horrible shock you must be in, and your situation is so bitterly ironic, I can't even begin to tell you how I empathize with your plight.

As for his family....well, I just don't 'get' people who do things like this. Even if they're not willing or able to sit and hold your hand for long periods of time, to wholly abandon you, despite their own grief, I find as reprehensible as I do the actions of my own family. For the most part, I've grown too weary of trying to consider other people's reactions and feelings and lending them any benefit of the doubt, if they act in insensitive ways. Very unfortunately, this leaves too many of us alone, as even with some understanding, that still doesn't change the way others choose to act. I'm tired of feeling sorry for and extending empathy to those who can't bring themselves to rise above their own habitual reactions ( or whatever their particular personality problems are )in order to do at least something for someone else who's in pain. As a note, legally, I believe you are entitled to get back your engagement ring, as it is usually considered a gift to the woman and is therefore hers from then on....so I hope you don't have to fight to get it returned to you.

I also know what you mean about friends becoming totally unavailable over holidays, as that's what happens to us every, single year, for all of 14 years. Although me and my husband have each other ( at least for now; there's no guarantee this will last, judging from all grievers of partners! ), we're still pretty lonely every Christmas. We saw only one couple this year, after official holiday time, which was nice, but still pretty pathetic in the grand scheme of things, after 14 years of trying to make friends to include and be included with their own circles. Too many of us have to make do with mere crumbs of support and it makes me terribly angry at people for being so selfish and self-centered.

So while I'm 'glad' I have some company in these feelings, I feel as bad for you ( actually, worse ) as I do for myself. I never heard a word from certain extended family, either, this year, and am still seething about it. Soon, I think I'll be stopping censoring my real feelings with these relatives. I figure, if they can make excuses for the horrible things my brother has done to me and everyone else these last 2 years, then they can excuse ( or not, who cares anymore? ) MY behaviour when I tell them what I really think!

[Guest Maggie]

Hello, Please let me say how sorry I am for your loss and understand fully about how you feel about other people. I lost my mother just last year a week before Christmas on Dec 18th, 2005. I had just writen out a Christmas card for her when the news came that she was in the hospital over 800 miles away from me. She died before I could get to her. No, Christmas will never be the same again for me, just as I lost my favorite Grandmother the day before Thanksgiving in 1989 and my favorite Grandfather after New Year in 1977. Everyone keeps telling me to deal with it and basically get over it. To go to work and keep busy, but then those moments when I stop and think it washes over me like a tidal wave and I cannot stop the tears. The pain that I could not stop her from going and leaving me w/out my best friend and mother and the guilt that I was over 800 miles from her and not with her is killing me. Sorry this was not about my pain but yours, so know that there are people who do totally understand you and are here for you.

[Maylissa]

Thanks, Maggie, for your input into this topic. I, too, was not able to get to my Mom's bedside before she passed, but I still don't know what would have been worse....seeing her die before my eyes, or not having to remember such a horrid picture, forevermore. My biggest regret with that is just not being there for HER sake. From a free, after-death reading someone gave me, of which I don't know whether there's any merit or truth in it or not, I received the message that she was "very scared", as no one was there with her. While I realized years ago that she might suddenly die at home, with no warning, I'd never imagined that, were she in an institution of any sort, with any warning given, that I then wouldn't be able to get there in time. It's a hard cross to bear no matter which way it goes, I suppose.

While I haven't even taken the Christmas decorations down yet, I'm very glad the holidays are over for another year. After THIS year's, I'm dreading next year's even more than I had this year, as it was so much harder in many ways. But I also have yet to go through my beloved furbaby's anniversary on Feb.2 and then my brother's on Feb.28 ( 29th - it was a Leap Year, actually ), so I'm not really breathing YET. And with every, daily report on the news about Israel's P.M., I'm reliving the horrors of my brother's quick death, as he also had a massive cerebral stroke, from which he never regained consciousness. I also never got to see him, either, in hospital, as we had no money left for me to fly back home for a 3rd time that terrible year.

Everything came in 2's ~ 2 months after I last saw my Mom, she died. I'd flown back to see her 2 times. Two months after she died, my brother died. Two months after he died, we finally got some income again ( too late to help matters ). My furbaby died on 02/02/2000. My Mother died Jan.2. 2's scare the dickens out of me now! So every second day of every month is also fraught with fears....and now that I'm completely off-topic, I'll stop!

[shell]

I just wanted to say that it has helped me so much to read how many others have had multiple deaths in a short time. That's what happened to us (5 in two and a half months: my dad, uncle, moms cousin, one of our fur babies, a good friend). They were almost all unexpected too. I hate to say this, but I thought we were just unusual (I had never heard anyone else talk about losing that many people in such a short time). Now I realize it happens a lot and hearing how you all are trying to cope is helping me not feel so alone. I also felt that I was some kind of bad luck charm, like death was following me around or something! Totally crazy, I know, but you all know the crazy thoughts that grief brings!

[Maylissa]

shell,

No, not crazy at all!! I've felt the same way myself, with not only the losses, but with each shock from people's behaviour, each crazy event that followed each loss...every, 'little' thing that went so wrong. I kept saying for months, " Gawd!...I swear there's a black cloud following me around here! It's like someone put a curse on me!!" It's quite a black hole, and it's not like I'm seeing those clouds part yet, either. I'm still waiting, and none too patiently anymore, for the balance that's supposed to follow the down-times. Most times, it seems like the Universe is saying I, personally, somehow don't deserve the happier times.

[shell]

Thanks, Maylissa. It helps so much to know "you're not the only one" who has these thoughts! And I feel like you, that it hasn't seemed to stop. A friend just found out she has breast cancer and my neighbor has just been diagnosed with throat cancer. While I'm not as close to these people as the rest of the deaths that have happened, it still feels like the black cloud thing. That's what I kept saying too! I keep trying to just take one day at a time (maybe more like one minute at a time!) and it seems to help a little. Thanks so much for the feedback and hang in there!