Maylissa Posted December 16, 2005 Report Share Posted December 16, 2005 (edited) Whoa! Depression has suddenly hit me like a brick! Had decided to do cards this year, unlike the last, and it's tearing me apart, one card at a time. Writing to certain relatives was hard enough, trying to find something to say and skirting certain subjects because of my anger towards them for abandoning me in my sorrow, but then I was just made aware that Christmas Day is only 9 days away ( how did this escape me?!?! ) and we've only received 3 cards ourselves so far, becoming just another painful reminder of how few people give a crap about me/us. To top it all off, I just got the most pretentious card I've ever received, everything so colour-coordinated, hand-lettered in glitzey script, with a professional, artsy-fartsy family photo as the centerpiece. It took my breath away AND made my heart sink to the floor. I was having a hard enough time with this season as it was, without seeing how perfect and seemingly-carefree, abundant and happy other, more fortunate families are. I don't know these people all that well, so I can't say if they're really down-to-earth underneath all this surface glitter, but I do know it's the icing on the cake of my feeling like such a loser this year because I'm still grieving, still having to struggle through each day, still battling all sorts of demons inside from the family issues around my losses. While it was nice to be remembered, this kind of show-off 'greeting' was the LAST thing I needed! "Merry Christmas", indeed! Maybe for SOME people!And yesterday our furbaby started showing signs of getting ill again, not 2 days after stopping the drugs she'd had to go on....right before the holidays, this just had to happen again! This fear of illness, suffering and death is right in my face, every day....dogging me, dragging me into a pit of despair. I can't ignore it. Tonight we're invited for a seasonal pot-luck gathering, and because of her illness, I don't even know yet if I can join my husband, or if I have to stay home to keep a close watch on our gal, while he goes out. Neither of us is happy. How CAN we be? It's been one thing after another, for 2 long years. I just don't have any more energy to try to be strong. Every little setback feels like a 10-ton weight upon my shoulders. Is it just me, or is anyone else affected this acutely during the second year of mourning? Edited December 16, 2005 by Maylissa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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