Relationship Issues After The Loss Of A Dog

[AR1982]

Hi

I've come to this site to see what others have to say about my situation. My boyfriend of almost 3 years had future plans with me and all. We were house shopping and talking rings, marriage,family etc. We just had gone away together too. He had a old dog that was putting a lot of pressure on him along with living back at home with parents who pestered him about it all the time, even on vacation. So he had come home from a 4 hour drive for work and had to take the dog in to the vet. He wouldn't really say what was going on with her when I asked. He said that he didn't want to talk about it and then said but basically the vet said he didn't to make a decision within the next couple of weeks. With that on his mind Saturday night and knowing he had to leave Monday morning for a 4 hour drive for a week of work training. So he put decided on Sunday he was going to put her down on Monday.. He sent me one last next on that and then shut down. Never responded to any of my text or calls and then emailed me while at training that Friday and said he loved and cared for me and all but was tried of pushing me forward and he also mentioned he had amazing job opportunities in front of him (in which I didn't know about) he said I know you wont take the leap with me so I have to do what's best for me. (Never even asking me about going or anything, just assumed)also saying this wasn't what he wanted but was going to break up with me.. Never saying anything about the dog just saying he had a emotional roller coaster week so much so he had to shut off his personal cell phone! So he never spoke to me or replied to my emails.. I noticed when he sent one other email he wasn't himself, seemed angry, wasn't writing like his normal self. Its been about 5 weeks now and I haven't heard from him at all. The email was sent about 4 weeks ago. Weeks before all this his mom had said she was worried about him and how he would be once the dog passes. The whole family, friends have not returned calls or talked about anything to me. I feel like they are hiding the fact that he could be depressed and having a emotional break down of some sort. Losing his dog that he loved more than me, he knew I didn't like her for many reasons,then he took a job offer right away which he normal would sleep on it first since it involves moving to another state away from family and friends,he also had job training on his mind and then to top it off he broke up with me with no signs.. We love each other very much from day one we connected so well. His family and friends loved me and so did my family. It was a different kind of love something thats hard to find now a days I don't know what to think but I'm so hurt and depressed over it. I know he is going through a lot but I felt that he would turn to me in such a difficult time even though I didn't care for the dog due to her peeing and pooping all over the house, I couldn't sleep at night since she was in the bedroom for the longest time until one day he finally kicked her out but wasn't happy about it, was times where I would drive down there (over an hour) to see him and he would be laying on the floor with his dog while I'm sitting on the couch all alone, just a poorly trained dog who begged all day long and wanted attention at all times. Sorry I love animals but humans should come first.

[kayc]

I am very sorry for what you are going through in the loss of your BF. It could be that your feelings towards his dog have factored into his decision to cut ties with you, but it probably has mostly to do with his grief over his dog. I know I would not enter into a relationship with someone who didn't care for my dog, I just couldn't, I had my dog first and he is my life, so just like with a kid, anyone I'd be with would have to be on board with him, and certainly not dislike him...it shows and not only would he pick up on it, the dog would too. My DIL doesn't care for my dog and it hurts every time she speaks negatively to him, it hurts the dog's feelings too as he's not stupid and they do pick up on that. And my dog doesn't poop/pee in the house. You can't help how you feel though, it just is what it is. It's too bad he didn't seek help training his dog and it could have had a better outcome. I watch Jackson with cat situations (My Cat From Hell t.v. show) and it's amazing to me that the problems are not the cats but the environment or people in their lives. I'm not a cat person per sae, but I've learned a lot from that show about their behavior, etc., and I know it's true for dogs too that we put them in people's environment and expect them to be mini humans...they're not. They have different behaviors and things mean different things to them, so we have to adapt and so much of it is in the training WE give them. I'm not sure I agree with the statement that humans should come first, I'm a huge animal lover, but let's say that humans should at least be given equal consideration, particularly a close relationship where you're considering marriage. But honestly, I wouldn't consider marrying someone or even dating someone that didn't first love my dog.

But this isn't all about your dislike of the dog or his resenting it. This is primarily about his grief over losing his dog. When people lose someone they love, even a furry someone, this is a common behavior. My fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying. There are countless others this has happened to. No warning, just suddenly we don't hear from them any more, and it's overnight! It is a shock and a very difficult thing to adjust to.

One of the things I want you to know is, you have to respect his decision, even though you don't like or agree with it. It is his loss and he's dealing with it the way he sees fit. It's maybe not the best way, but it's his way. You can't change his mind or manipulate him in any way. Perhaps that's why they cut off all contact because they know that this is what they want and are afraid to face us, afraid they could not do this if they saw us, who knows for sure. This would have happened even if you'd loved his dog, of that I am sure. I never even got to meet my fiance's mom because she didn't want to meet me, so there wasn't a matter of dislike, it never got to that, yet still I was broken off from, so I hope you don't entertain the thought that if this or that had been different, this wouldn't have happened, because it likely would have. This is something you have no control over. It is, in a nutshell, a grief response. Not everyone who has a loss responds this way, but enough of them do that I would consider this a "normal" response, even if not a good one.

I am just sorry for how everything went, it wasn't fair to you in the least and you're left having to deal with a decision that highly concerned you but you had no control over. That sucks. And the worst part is not being able to console him or know how he's doing. Perhaps someday he'll contact you, but he may not either, it's hard to predict because they seem to differ on that. I didn't have contact for months but eventually he reached out to me and we were able to become friends, but not until after I accepted that we would never be back together and that we could not be more than friends. And our relationship, like yours, had been going well and I had no warning, it was totally out of the blue and unexpected. It's been four years and in all that time he's never attempted to get back together. It's just how it is.

In the beginning it was super tough, crying myself to sleep every night, very very hard. I'd advise you to do your best to reconnect with family and friends that you hadn't had as much time for while you were in the relationship, and keep busy. Take a class, join a gym, take up a hobby, something to keep you busy and occupy your mind. I cleaned my house, top to bottom, it was energy spent that helped me to sleep. Plus physical exertion does help one to sleep better and feel better in general.

I do hope you realize that this is not about you, it's about him, there's nothing you could have done to have avoided this situation and there's nothing you can do to remedy it. The griever often doesn't explain their actions because they don't themselves understand it. And they sometimes feel guilty for their action but can't stop it either. It's just a very twisted world. I have grieved plenty (I lost my husband nine years ago and have had man other losses as well) and never reacted by cutting off those closest to me, but there are plenty of people who do. It's hard to understand and you can drive yourself nuts trying to understand something that cannot be understood (I'm analytical and so are many that have posted their stories here). Just know there are some things we cannot get answers for but that needn't stop us from reaching acceptance anyway and moving on with our lives. It's a process that takes time and patience. It's so important to be understanding of yourself and be very nurturing and gentle with yourself, give yourself self-care, for YOU are grieving now too, now that you have suffered a huge loss in your life...that of not only your BF, but the loss of all your dreams with him, your future with him.

I hope you will continue to come here and post your feelings and feel free to vent and let it out, it's important to have a safe place to go to where you'll be understood, and this is that place. Again, I'm so sorry you're in this situation and going through all of this, I know it all too well, it is something that stays with us and we never forget. A long with the loss you have suffered, you will not be the same person again. They say we need to find our "new normal", that is, who and how we are "after". For most of us we have a heightened sense of compassion, an amazing strength and fortitude, but may be more cautious or slower moving in going into relationships, and all of that is understandable. I have chosen not to date but many have gone on to find someone else and are happily in a new relationship...that's an individual thing that only you can decide for yourself.

PS I think most would have a hard time accepting a dog pooping/peeing in the house, unless it is an old dog that is incontinent and can't help themselves For them, I've been there, and just cleaned up after the same as I would an elderly parent that can't help it. I had a dog that became incontinent the last two years of her life and also my son's dog became incontinent the last two years of his life, but not with peeing, but with pooping, most do not lose bladder control as easily. For me the time to let a dog go is when they no longer have quality of life, not because they've become burdensome or inconvenient. In separating the dog from the behavior, I think most would find the poop/pee in the house loathsome, even while loving the dog.