Day 22, This Is So Hard

[Karen2424]

It seems like forever and like time is standing still all at the same time. It seems like it is getting harder too. I can't take a shower with out breaking down crying. It's anger and sadness. I want to scream and cry at the same time. I hate this so much!! I'm doing all I can to keep it together at work. I cry in the bathroom and then pull myself together to walk out. Today was just awful at work. I came in later because one of my kids had a dentist appointment so I had to sit in another seat. I got in trouble for having two drinks at my desk and one of them being a bottle with a twist top. I just wanted to leave crying. Not because of their stupid rules(which they just started about this stupid bottle/number of drinks rule) but because I sit there all day and think of my Dad and I just couldn't take it anymore. I sat there holding back the tears and dabbing my eyes with a tissue for the rest of my time but I was so angry. My Father is dead and they are yelling a me because of my twist top bottle and spill proof coffee cup!!!

This is the job my Dad said he thought it was time I started looking for another job about. Man, Dad, you were sure right!

[mfh]

Karen dear, it seems like it is getting harder because the shock and fog start to wear off and you start to really realize your loss. Showers are very common places for grieving folks to cry and crying is actually a healing thing to do. I do understand grief having been through it with many losses especially the latest of my own husband and I, like everyone here, felt like crying and screaming. I know this is very difficult and the way through it is just what you are doing...i.e. one day at a time. I am so sorry your worksite is so unforgiving as to correct you at a time like this. It happens on many many worksites. When you are ready, down the road, you will probably start a job hunt. Right now it is time to just take care of yourself.

[kayc]

Karen, I'm sorry you had such a rotten day. Whenever I have a bad day like that, I like to read "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day", it helps put things into perspective for me.

I understand how you must feel about your job and it's "stupid rules"...when your dad just died, somehow the number of drinks at your desk just doesn't seem very important, does it! It would be so much nicer if you worked at a place that was more supportive. Sometimes circumstances nudge us to make a change, such as with your job. When you are ready, you'll know, and you'll find something else somewhere.

[Karen2424]

Thank you both for the kind words.