Losing My Parents Within A Year

[Still a Daughter]

My father passed away in November 2005 after losing my mom October 2004. I had cared for my mother for nine years with Alzheimers and this last year as my father slowly declined. After ten years of always being aware of their needs, their medications, doctor's appointments and cleaning their house. In particular this last year with my father was even more stressful as he required IV antibiotic therapy on a 24 hour a day basis. He only wanted my brother and I to care for him, which was very difficult, both physically and mentally. Now that they are both gone, this increase in personal freedom is no relief. Even though I was there whenever they needed me, even to the detriment of my husband and children, I still have overwhelming guilt. I can't enjoy myself because I feel guilty that I can now take a real vacation. I know in my head this is silly, but my heart is heavy. I miss them so and even though I am glad they no longer suffer from their afflictions I wish I could see them and see their smiles. They were totally devoted to their children and I can't get past feeling like I let them down in some way to be happy. Please someone tell me that I am not the only one feeling this way.

[Guest Guest]

Still A Daughter,

I'm so sorry you've lost both of your parents and you're feeling the way you are...but it's a common reaction for caregivers to feel this way. When such intense caregiving abruptly ends, it's a shock to the system to not have that routine to carry on anymore, even if it created its own stresses. I went through the same thing when we lost our furbaby, after years of being 'on alert', in "Mom-Mode", as I used to call it. I noticed this reaction despite having to still take care of his sister, our other furbaby, who got ill upon his death. It's hard to get the mind and body, with all its habitually-learned interconnections, to just STOP and unwind. The same goes for the guilty feelings. When you're so used to putting yourself and your needs aside for someone else's benefit, feeling 'free' to take a vacation naturally brings up some guilt.

My counselor talked about this with me, pointing out that this is why whenever she's working with caregivers, she insists they make regular time for their own needs, both during care, and when it ends. Otherwise, their whole mental/emotional balance suffers greatly. She's also found that it works better for people if they set a plan in place, in advance, to take some kind of vacation within 3-6 months after a loss, even if they don't think they'll be up to it, or feel like going that soon. She claims those people do much better than the ones w/o any plan, or that wait longer than 6 months. Also, having a regular routine to force yourself into, one that is different than the caregiving routine, is also supposed to be of great benefit after the intitial few weeks of holing-up with your grief. So that's another thing she like people to set up in advance, as much as possible.

I do think this is the wisest course, as otherwise we tend to just drift around even more aimlessly than we should. In your case, you'd have to just start from the present, since nothing was planned ahead of time. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with throwing the covers over your head for the first few weeks ( if you have that luxury ), at some point you have to begin to try living in the world again, on some level, even if it's in reduced mode. Fortunately, and unfortunately, there are some things we should force ourselves to start doing at some point, in order to begin the healing process. It hasn't been very long for you so far, so it may take more time yet, but I would definitely consider a vacation within a few months from now. I've told my counselor that I'll still make the committment to go on one, even IF I'm still crying through it, as long as no one blames me for crying when I need to! ( we're planning this in anticipation of losing our beloved fur-girl, whenever, as I know I'll be a basket-case from that ) After losing my Mom and brother 2 years ago, I only wish we could have taken a vacation this year, but we can't, as our baby requires even more care than she did 2 years ago, being quite elderly herself now and with chronic kidney failure and a few other conditions.

It's okay, too, BTW, to go somewhere or do something even while feeling guilty, if that's what happens. I personally know someone who did that very thing, and they even happened to start their vacation one day before the anniversary of her loss. She initially felt the same way you do about it, but DID end up having a good trip regardless, and cried less than she'd anticipated, too.

[FUNNYFACE]

Dear Still a Daughter:

I couldn't believe how similar your story is to mine...I am a only child, and by the way a nurse and my father died 3/05 and my mother 9/05. My father had Alzheimers for 15 years and my mother would cover up alot for him....I really didn't understand the extent until about 5 years ago when she got a compression fracture of her back and I became the care giver for my father while she was in the hospital......I too, took them to doctors, tests, stores etc, and when things got really bad ( I am disabled) I found the best assisted living apt with a Alzheimer unit I could find..and still continues with all the running around and being there almost daily........everytime the phone rang during the night my heart would sink. My father was steadily going down hill and they wanted to put feeding tube down but Mom + I decided against that. He finally passed away in his sleep. It was funny because I didn't really grieve for him like I thought I would ( I was a Daddy's girl) and I guess it was because I had really all ready lost him.....but with my Mom it has been very different.....she was diagnosed with breast cancer in May and after a mastectomy she finally passed in Sept after starving herself......she was in patient in the Hospice and I would not leave her side.....my husband + I would take turns being with her.....I did not want her to die alone......She passed just after I had left to try to sleep for a couple of hours.

I miss her so much ...it hurts...she was my best friend......I had quit work and now I am at a loss.....not that I really feel like I want to do anything anyway.......

My husband walked in after undergoing a stress treadmil and proceeded to tell me that it was possitive and that he would need a cardiac catherization and possible heart stent and I just burst our crying and begged him not to leave me to.....that is so out of character for me.....I am usually a glass half full type person. After the cath Friday when the doctor came out and told me what they found and that they were going to be the stents I just brought down crying.....I think he thought that I was nuts.......but I was so releaved that they could fix him up ......

I have been rambling and don't mean too........I have also been told that we need to find something for us to do with ourselves because we have been so invested with our parents.......we had just come back from a 4 week vacation when my Mom was diagnosised with cancer and I felt guilty that I had been gone for 4 wks.....now we are planning a long trip and it feels very strange that I don't have to worry about her etc.

I have found that this is a great out let for your feelings and the others that write here are very supportive....after all .....we are all in the same boat and on the same journey.

Funnyface

[Guest Guest]

Dear Funnyface,

I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. My mom died in June '05, suddenly from a heart attack, and my father died 7 weeks later. My father had dementia for several years, and after my mom died, he went downhill very rapidly both physically and mentally. I live about an hour from where they lived, but I also came down to visit and also to take them to doctor's appt and whatever else they needed, whenever I could. But for the last few months of their lives, they needed full time live in care. I was able to find someone who was very good and seemed to really care about them. Frankly he did things that I knew I would be unable to to. But sometimes I still feel guilty, esp. realizing that I left my father alone with a stranger the last few months of his life. But I had planned to move him up to our house, but he didn't want to go because he didn't even remember that mom had died. The caretaker had to constantly remind him when he'd ask where she was. I was also a daddy's girl, and thought that his loss would devastate me. But it also wasn't as bad as I expected, and that also be because I felt like I was losing a piece of him each time I saw him. I agree with the others who wrote that guilt is a natural feeling after times like this. My dad finally died from complications of pnuemonia, and I had to decide to no extradinary measures. It was a very difficult decision, but the right one I believe. I couldn't stand to see him suffer needlessly when there was no more to be done, and I also believe his will to live ended with my mom's death. I have been feeling very down since the new year and can't quite seem to shake this mood. Sorry for going on and on, but I too am glad that there is a place where one can express our feelings to others who understand.

AVsqr_dancer

[Still a Daughter]

Funnyface and avsqdcr

Thank you both for your posts. I am not alone and can't believe how we have gone thru such similiar events. I wish you both the peace of heart that we all crave. Our parents made us who we are today and they took a piece of our hearts with them. My best to you both.

Still a Daughter

[lindalee]

Hi, I'll start by saying I'm glad I found this group!! On April 11 2003 my nephew was in an car accident and on May 15 2003 he passed away from the injuries from the accident. Then on November 14th of 2004 my father was killed in an automobile accident!! Then in April of 2005 my Mom got sick and we took her to the hospital in the last week of May and we found out she had lung cancer and it had spread to the adernal gland in her lymp nodes and that her liver was completely ate up from front to back. Then on June 9th she passed away . When my Dad died I stayed with my Mom till she passed away!! My Mom and I were together every day and we shared so much!!! I think sometimes I'm going to go crazy because I miss Mom and Dad so much! But I know that by the grace of God I'll get through this! Also my niece is a nurse and she works in the same hosiptal where my Mom was. She is having a very hard time coping with her death as she blames herself for not seeing the signs of cancer.My niece went ito her room to clean her mouth out and wet her lips and she took off her oxygen mask to do this and she thinks that she left it off to long and she did without the oxygen too long and thats what killed her. So I ask everyone to pray for our family and for my niece!! God Bless, Lindalee

[Guest Guest_avsqr_dancer_*]

Lindalee,

My heart goes out to you. So much loss in so little time. I will keep you in my prayers. I understand what you are going through. As I posted here earlier, my parents died within 7 weeks of each other this past summer. I think I am doing fine and then something little will hit or remind me and I start crying. I have felt so very tired lately, even more tired than I normally do, and someone said this is grief-even if I am not conscious of it. Any one else experiencing this? This month would have been my dad's 90th birthday and I am finding this very hard. I know many people wish their parents would have lived that long. But no matter when they die, how old you are, or how old they were, it is difficult. I miss both of them, but I guess I have almost felt like I need to be apologetic cuz they lived so long, maybe almost like I feel I don't have the right to grieve. I know this isn't really true, yet it does feel that way sometimes. My dad also suffered from dementia his last several years, and I don't think people realize how devestating and cruel dementia is, unless they have experienced it first hand with someone they love. It isn't just about forgetting, but about becoming a "child" again, unable to do even the simpliest functions for themselves. Also the last few months of his life, after Mom died, Dad even forgot who I was sometimes-even though I was always daddy's little girl. Wow-I didn't mean to go on and on, but I guess I needed that. Thanks for listening. Good lucky through your journey of grief, Lindalee.

[Still a Daughter]

Lindalee:Thank you for your post to this discussion. Losing both parents within a short period is so much to bear. You had the additional loss of another family member. Sometimes it seems as though trajedy compounds itself. There is no easy way to get through this difficult time. I keep putting off the grieving but I think it is catching up to me with sleepness nights and major problems in focus. You may see these signs in yourself over the passing months. I know I should be taking care of myself, but it seems as though you just lose the will. I don't know if you have faced this, but we must continue to encourage each other. You are obviously a caring, sensitive person and I know that you have alot to offer those around you. Join me in looking for ways to celebrate their lives. Tell me about your best afternoon with your mother in your entire life. I would love to hear the story.

Take care and best of luck-Still a Daughter

Edited February 3, 2006 by Still a Daughter

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

First of all I want to say that I all so sorry for all your losses.. I lost my mom in April 2005 and I lost my dad in August 2005.. I had such a hard time with the both of them leaving so fast... I lived with them for forty years and now I had to help my siblings throw myself out of the house that I lived in for forty years...I changed jobs, said good bye to some wonderful neighbors, and friends... I looked after both my parents until the days they died and found it hard to find something else to do... I hope this helped Take care Shelley