Doesn't My Pain Matter Anywhere?

[Maylissa]

I have to be bolder now than I've been. It's been a few days since I posted, for only the 2nd time, about the loss of my brother, and I'm feeling like I'm not supposed to talk about him still. Is my 'case' too complicated, or what? For 2 years I've tried posting on various sites every once in awhile, and this is now feeling just like the way my whole family, friends and relatives have treated me....silence, for the most part, as if my grief for him doesn't count, as if his life didn't impact me. I knew that sibling grief was a disenfranchised type of grief, but it's looking more and more like ADULT sibling grief is even worse than that. I just can't keep giving, while not getting enough back to get help for myself, too. Is there NO ONE who can relate to what I've said about my brother?

Edited January 15, 2006 by Maylissa

[Guest Guest_jewells_*]

I too loss my brother 18 months ago it's too raw of a pain to reply and comfort others when I'm stilling trying to deal with my loss.

I hope that you somehow find comfort in knowing your story didn't go unnoticed!

God Bless you!

Prayer & Church and crying are my bestfriends through this grieving period and where I find the most comfort.

I have to be bolder now than I've been. It's been a few days since I posted, for only the 2nd time, about the loss of my brother, and I'm feeling like I'm not supposed to talk about him still. Is my 'case' too complicated, or what? For 2 years I've tried posting on various sites every once in awhile, and this is now feeling just like the way my whole family, friends and relatives have treated me....silence, for the most part, as if my grief for him doesn't count, as if his life didn't impact me. I knew that sibling grief was a disenfranchised type of grief, but it's looking more and more like ADULT sibling grief is even worse than that. I just can't keep giving, while not getting enough back to get help for myself, too. Is there NO ONE who can relate to what I've said about my brother?

[MartyT]

My dear Maylissa,

I know from reading all your postings that you are working very hard to come to terms with all of your losses, including the deaths of your mother and your brother and the “never-ending pattern of abuses among ALL my relatives, towards everyone who comes into contact with any of them.” I suspect that your “case” is no more complicated than anyone else’s – it may be different and certainly it is unique to you, but as Scott Peck points out in The Road Less Traveled, life is difficult for everyone, and certainly for those who are grieving.

Given the circumstances you describe and the experiences you’ve had in your family, it seems to me that your decision “years ago to distance myself from all the craziness” was an important one, and I think you would be wise to follow your own best instincts.

Write a letter to your brother’s wife if you must, but consider writing a letter that you may not ever mail. As I’m sure you know, writing a letter and holding nothing back is a powerful way to get in touch with all the feelings, thoughts, and reactions you have had and are currently experiencing toward this woman. But once it’s written, consider showing it to a person you respect and one you can trust to give you honest and objective feedback. Discuss with this trusted person why you are sending the letter, and what you wish to accomplish in terms of your intentions and goals. If your goal is to change this woman and her behavior toward you or to gain her understanding, that may be unrealistic. Think about what you expect this woman to say or to do in response to your letter. What if your expectations are not met, and no remorse is shown? What if she simply digs in her heels and takes a defensive posture, or attacks you in response? What will you do with your anger then?

I am reminded of some words I’ve just read (in the book that I happen to be reviewing now: Talking with Angel: About Illness, Death and Survival, by Evelyn Elsaesser-Valarino) that I think will have special meaning for you:

You could let yourself be carried away by anger and the feeling of injustice, that would be so easy, so obvious and so tempting. “Why me?” you could cry all day long. You could sink into rebellion, exhaust yourself with rage, lose yourself in hatred. But what would you gain from it? All the energy you need to fight . . . would be swallowed up by these violent destructive feelings . . . Don’t let hatred enter your heart; it won’t help you. It will rule you and rob you of your freedom. To fight against [injustice] you must mobilize all the positive forces, willpower, hope, courage and trust. Anger and hatred are destructive, they increase the harm, they sap the energy you need to be able to fight. Adopt a positive feeling in opposition to hatred, fight it with love which is the most powerful and the noblest weapon at your disposal, the love that surrounds you, the love you experience, the love of life. In the face of the strongest adversity, only an emotion which enobles the dignity of a human being is powerful enough to win through . . . [p. 94]

And about suffering, Evelyn has this to say:

[Grief} and suffering are always indefensible and unjust, there is nothing positive to be said about them and in themselves they can teach us nothing at all. It all depends on what the person suffering makes of it, if they manage to be strong enough to turn the ordeal into a lesson in living. Courage and willpower will be their most precious allies, which will help to overcome their fragility with a life force which will make them noble . . . You have the freedom to get out of this trial in spite of your unhappiness. Everything is going wrong, but it is precisely this hardship which will show how strong you are. [it] has no hold over the attitude that you decide to adopt: give way or struggle, the decision is yours. . . In spite of the gloominess of your situation, you can decide how to color your days. In spite of your problems, in spite of your distress, you are free to form your everyday life as you choose, beyond the restrictions of your body, because your spirit is indomitable. The world takes on the face that you draw for it, your thoughts create reality despite . . . the uncertainty of your future. [pp. 74-76]

Maylissa, I know from reading your wise and caring responses to others in the various forums here that you have a real gift. You have the ability to demonstrate genuine understanding and compassion for others who are in pain – the sort of empathy that comes from having experienced a great deal of pain in your own life – and you have a warm and very caring way of expressing your concern for others here. That tells me that through your suffering, you are learning some very valuable life lessons and, as you say, you ARE stronger because of it. What would happen, I wonder, if you decided to celebrate that?

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Guest Guest_Maylissa_*]

It won't log me on properly again, but its' me, Maylissa.

Dear Marty,

As always, you've provided much food for thought. I've been both digesting your reply, and busily reading The Grief Recovery Institute's "The Grief Recovery Handbook", to hopefully get more complete healing accomplished. I actually have read "The Road Less Travelled", and perhaps it's time I reread it as it's been about 2 decades! Once I complete the Handbook, I've decided it would be a good idea to write some letters ( to all of those I'm angry with, so my work's cut out for me! ), whether I send them or not, which I most likely won't...but we'll see. I always have a hard time deciding between being completely honest with people I'm angry at, or keeping my mouth shut and just venting in some other way. I think I need, somehow, to learn how to express myself at the time of 'injury', but in a way that's more acceptable than what's happening in my head and heart at that time. Unfortunately, I had no early modelling for such behaviour, so am fighting my learned methodologies, which can be pretty harsh!

However, even now, I'd have to say that my main goal with my in-law, and anyone else, would be to just be HEARD - to be more assertive about how I feel/felt about things and to let her/them know how what was said and done affected me. I certainly wouldn't expect any heart-felt apologies would be coming my way, knowing what these people are like. And in fact, I'm sure I'd be resented to high heaven for daring to be that honest. You do make a good point, though, about imagining consequences.....although my husband would say, and already has, "Well, it could hardly get any worse with all of them!!" He thinks I should just do whatever the heck I feel like doing about them/her, as they're NOT going to suddenly change, or develop hearts, so it doesn't matter what I say or do as long as I'm comfortable with it. But I'm still letting this all churn around to see if any other insights surface first.

The advice that other author gave is all very well and good, but not only do I not know how to mobilize those more positive feelings just because I'd rather have them, but something in me rails against such advice, as it sounds too much like the attitude too many people have about feelings, especially those surrounding grief, that being - hide your real feelings, deny them, don't bother the world with them, because there's something 'wrong' with them and 'we' aren't comfortable with them. You just shouldn't feel the way you feel. To me, this just feeds right back into my basic problem - that I didn't express my true feelings in an acceptable way, or ANY way, in the first place...meanwhile, this in-law and others, didn't feel any such compunction about holding back on the insensitive and greedy things they said to me....and I'm quite sure none of them slept any worse for that. It evokes my inflated sense of justice and fairness when others get away with such things, and I can't/don't. And I wonder if this is the strength I need to learn to cultivate, and then celebrate, within myself? The strength to a) not care what others think of me, and the strength to stand up for my own feelings when it counts. Perhaps this is the real reason all these things have bothered me so much...I've let myself down, I've allowed my 'station' as a grieving daughter and sister to be dishonoured and swept under the carpet, as if I had no right to be considered.

I suppose that I am using willpower, in my pursuit to be rid of these demons of sadness - hence my decision to use this Handbook to work through the unfinished business between me and my loved ones ( and even eventually the ones still living who I have such problems with ). I really don't want to feel this way for whatever the rest of my life here entails, so I know it's a choice, just as love is. It's the how of getting there that has me so puzzled. I can only use that "hope" that this book, too, will help me get there.

I also thank you, Marty, for such a glowing assessment of my better points. Honestly, it just helps to hear such things from others since most of my life has been filled with people who only stress the negative parts of me...or what they expect from me and not the other positive things I give them. So thank-you for helping me to believe I have something worthwhile to give.

[SallyS.]

Of course your pain matters. Other people just don't want to talk about death and certain deaths are harder to relate to. My sister died a month and a half ago, no one seems to think it should matter. When my mom died, 11 months ago, people who had had a parent die were more understanding. Few people I know have had a sibling die. It is a strange place to be when there is a struggling spouse, two sad children, and a father grieving for my sister-our place seems lost. Remembering and writing about the childhood memories may help. I plan to write them and share them with my sister's children. I already sent them pictures. God bless you.