Inability To Grieve

[peacewanted]

Hi,

My grandpa died five months ago. He lived with me for the first nine years of my life after which I moved away. In the past six years plus, i say him only once for 20 days about a 1.5 years ago. My grandpa was like a parent to me because my parents were working. We had an amazing few years together and he showered all of his love on me. I was his favorite. He was a beautiful man with a great sense of humor and selflessness. He always cared for other people and forgot himself in his worry over and care for others. He was a great soul and I was very very close to him. But then his death neared at the beginning of school and junior year being very important, I was unable to go. I made the choice of going through with my responsibilities instead of visiting him because that's what he would have wanted. He died a few days later and it was very painful for me. But it was even more devastating for my mom, so I wasn't able to talk about my grief with her. Generally, I am a very reserved person and have a tough time sharing my emotions and bottle them up. In this case, my friends had their own lives and weren't interested in hearing me talk out my feelings. So I hid them and ignored them and tried to get on with my life. I wore an attitude of indifference and closed myself up from grief. Once in a while, my emotions threatened to explode and it has gotten worse until all my previous grief for small things that has built up over time has joined forces with the sorrow of his death. Today I found out that my friend's grandpa died last night. And my previously innocent sympathy gave my emotions the right segue to come out. I feel an awful sadness and can't get rid of it. I just feel like crying and lying in a ball. I feel disheartened and I can't seem to care for any of the things I enjoyed. Loud and happy noises have started becoming annoying and so has contact with people. I don't want to talk with people because that means I have to shut off my emotions and put on my "ever-happy" face. It is difficult and suffocating. I feel so detached and feel like just sitting in a quiet place to grieve. Yet, when I do, I feel so restless and uncomfortable inside like there is something thick and gooey inside that I can't let out. I feel like bursting. When I think about it, I know I don't feel suicidal because I believe in god and am a spiritual person. I felt letting out my emotions might help. I just miss him so much and feel unbelievably sad. That's all. Thank you for reading and tell me if there is anyway to help myself feel better.

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

I’m so very sorry to learn that it is the death of your beloved grandfather that led you to this special forum for teens, but I want to welcome you here, and I also want to congratulate you for having the courage to come in.

By sharing what you’re feeling in your post, you have taken a very important step toward letting out that “thick and gooey something” inside of you – which is a fairly accurate description of the confusing, conflicting and often crazy feelings that are so typical of grief!

I suspect that learning of the death of your friend’s grandpa yesterday was the trigger that suddenly put you in touch with all those feelings that you’ve been trying so hard to hold inside for the last five months. You see, my dear, that is what happens to all of us when we try to avoid the “thick and gooey” feelings of grief. Those feelings don’t “go” anywhere, despite our efforts to contain them – they just lie there, patiently waiting for us to deal with them. If we don’t pay them the attention they demand, then sooner or later, when something unexpected happens (such as the death of your friend’s grandpa) out they come, just as if our own loss happened yesterday. If this is your first experience with losing a close loved one to death, the feelings and reactions you’re having can seem very unfamiliar and scarey, even though they are very common and perfectly normal.

Your post reminds me of the letter I received a while ago from a 16 year-old boy whose father died suddenly and unexpectedly; I hope you will read my response to him, as I think it contains some information that you will find helpful too. Click on Coping with a Father’s Death.

I also hope that you will continue to use this forum as one of the ways to help yourself feel better. You are not alone; we are right here beside you to help you find your way, just as you are here helping the rest of us.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[chrisesniece]

I KNOW THE FEELING. MY DAD WAS SUPPORTIVE OF MY GRIEF FOR A FEW MONTHS BUT AFTER THAT HE STARTED ACTING LIKE WE SHOULD JUST MOVE ON AND GET OVER IT. I FEEL SO WEIRD WHEN I BRING MY UNCLE UP. LIKE IM DOING SOMING WRONG. WELL IM HERE TO TALK.

[stellar]

ok so i know this is really late in reply, and you may have moved on, but i can relate and im kinda going through the same thing... its like, the emotions are fully there, but they just cant seem to get out, and its SO FRUSTRATING!

i too put on that "brave face" as if nothing is wrong around friends and family, but it just gets to that point where you dont want to have to do that, like youre tired of pretending.like ijust want to feel the emotions and get them out, so it can all be over with, but then its like...will it ever be over

im really sorry and i know this doesnt help you much, but just know that you are not alone and there are soo many people who care for you, and you can always talk to a complete stranger (me ) as its always nice to have an outsider listen without opinions of you

[<3 deeply]

Hi,

My grandpa died five months ago. He lived with me for the first nine years of my life after which I moved away. In the past six years plus, i say him only once for 20 days about a 1.5 years ago. My grandpa was like a parent to me because my parents were working. We had an amazing few years together and he showered all of his love on me. I was his favorite. He was a beautiful man with a great sense of humor and selflessness. He always cared for other people and forgot himself in his worry over and care for others. He was a great soul and I was very very close to him. But then his death neared at the beginning of school and junior year being very important, I was unable to go. I made the choice of going through with my responsibilities instead of visiting him because that's what he would have wanted. He died a few days later and it was very painful for me. But it was even more devastating for my mom, so I wasn't able to talk about my grief with her. Generally, I am a very reserved person and have a tough time sharing my emotions and bottle them up. In this case, my friends had their own lives and weren't interested in hearing me talk out my feelings. So I hid them and ignored them and tried to get on with my life. I wore an attitude of indifference and closed myself up from grief. Once in a while, my emotions threatened to explode and it has gotten worse until all my previous grief for small things that has built up over time has joined forces with the sorrow of his death. Today I found out that my friend's grandpa died last night. And my previously innocent sympathy gave my emotions the right segue to come out. I feel an awful sadness and can't get rid of it. I just feel like crying and lying in a ball. I feel disheartened and I can't seem to care for any of the things I enjoyed. Loud and happy noises have started becoming annoying and so has contact with people. I don't want to talk with people because that means I have to shut off my emotions and put on my "ever-happy" face. It is difficult and suffocating. I feel so detached and feel like just sitting in a quiet place to grieve. Yet, when I do, I feel so restless and uncomfortable inside like there is something thick and gooey inside that I can't let out. I feel like bursting. When I think about it, I know I don't feel suicidal because I believe in god and am a spiritual person. I felt letting out my emotions might help. I just miss him so much and feel unbelievably sad. That's all. Thank you for reading and tell me if there is anyway to help myself feel better.

Oh my gosh. I finaally found someone who understands the pain. Our stories are quite similar except I'm only going into freshman year right now, and have lost both grandparents withing 4 months of each other. I am like you with the happy face you put on. 2 days after I found out my grandpa had died I was back at school acting like nothing happened and just focused on helping with my grandma and her COPD. In April my Grandma died. That was an extremely hard thing to deal with for me because my grandma held everything together and was such an amazing woman. I would love to talk with you about your loss because I need help too... and thats a hard thing for me to say. I wish you luck in your recovery from your horrible loss and am so so soooo sorry for the pain. God bless you.