Tending The Cemetery

[Paul S]

One of the best ways to honor the dead is by tending the loved one's gravesite.

This goes beyond just visiting when you can, or on anniversaries.

This is a giving of yourself, spending time on someone when there is no obvious immediate benefit. In other words, your doing something for someone when there's no way for certain you can be helped by them. After all, they're dead.

(As a Catholic, I do believe in Purgatory, and that prayers for the Dead are of immense practical value. And that the Holy Souls in Purgatory can intercede for you most powerfully with God. But that is an internal, spiritual matter with no observable connection directly with one's life.)

Tending someone's gravesite is a public witness of your devotion to, and love for, the deceased. It is a testimony that they are still a part of your life in a tangible way. You are doing something loving, and you don't care what others think.

[Maureen]

i have my mom's ashes with me and i have set her up a beautiful spot in my curio cabinet, full of her little trinkets, you know, her "stuff" and plenty of pictures, the Mass cards, etc.

plus i have a special "MOM" spot in every room of my home. she may not have a gravesite, but my mom has a loving and memorable spot in each room to honor her the person, and her life, and to keep her essence fresh.

[Paul S]

One thing I forgot to mention, was that some time after my Mom's death last November, I was going thru a bag of her toiletries that was overlooked in the general discarding of her stuff,and I found a hair curler of hers with some tufts of her hair. I tenderly, gingerly took it and sealed it in a ziplock baggie.

Its a treasured "First-Class Relic" that makes up for a lot. It brings me some comfort often.

[Paul S]

The time to tend the cemetary is coming up. The two perennials are up and doing well (hostas). In a few weeks I shall plant the usual stuff that my Mom would've wanted: geraniums (2 this year, one for each of them - Mom and Dad), those small begonias that bloom all year, impatiens (pink, Mom's favorite. I found some last year that kept up a vibrant pink color all summer into fall, she would've loved that), and a sweet alyssum border (white).

If only Mom was around to help.

[Maylissa]

Frankly, Paul, although I know it's not the same thing at all, I wish I was there, to help you plant and lovingly tend, to share yours, mine, and both of our Mom's love of gardening together, and to reminisce.

[Paul S]

that would be nice

[aineepooh1]

Maureen

That is so beautiful to have her in a corner of every room.. constantly around you.. the little trinkets are just precious, just the little things that she loved.. so sweet

I have posted 4 times today(this is my first visit to the HOV ) and I have told the story already that my dad died 3 weeks ago.. I can't have his things around me now.. they hurt too much.. at his service the funeral home made a memorial DVD with old photos.. everyone thought it was beautiful at the service.. I gathered all the old photos I could find and gave them to the funeral home to make the DVD.. so naturally I can't have the DVD in my house right now.. it hurts too much.. but I know it will be comforting later..like seeing your mom in every little corner of the room.. it warms my heart!!

May I ask an unrelated question? Every since the funeral I am constantly nauseated before and after I eat.. does anyone else have these symptoms?? I know I am NOT pregnant...

[Paul S]

I went this AM to buy plants for the cemetary site. The same arrangement that Mom and I had done for years (well, since 1996, when Mom and I started tending the cemetary after Dad died in 1995). Two geraniums, deep red. This year 2, instead of the traditional 1. Begonias, mixed variety. (usually 4, and the rest of the sixpack went into containers at the house, which, alas, I cannot do. So the other 2 will go in the obverse side of the headstone. Impatiens. All 6. PINK, I found a batch last year at this place that bloomed all year long (at the house) She loved pink. (In my grief texts, I use a pink hiliter for the important passages. Another way to honor the dead.) And sweet alyssum, white, all 6 to serve as a border.

It was sad and bittersweet, getting these. I plan to put them in on Wednesday. The long range forcast has the overnight lows in the 40's they'll do OK. Plus, it supposed to rain everyday from this Thursday to next Wednesday. I don't know beyond that.

[Paul S]

Dear always knew:

You may want to go up to the "Behaviors in Bereavement" section and look up the topic "Does This Happen?" You may find the answer there, as I know specific physical ocurrences were discusses there, or you can just post that question there.

One thing I took away from that thread was the fact that we all (men and women) have varying physical reactions during grief.

Take care,

Paul

[dpodesta]

I agree with Paul, My experience since I loss my wife is I stayed nauseated most of the time afterwards. My wife died 2 months ago. I am now eating at least one meal a day, sometimes 2. If I am nauseated, I can't eat, but that is my reaction to grief. I am sure that there are others out there that feel the same way as there are some that are out there that are reacting the same way as you, From all that I have read on this site, I would say it is normal.

[aunt]

there was quite a bit of nausea for both my sister and myself when her son died. and that terrible feeling of dread in the stomach. i think she and i both existed on toast and tea for weeks. just try to ride it out, nourish yourself as best you can whenever you can tolerate it. it will get better.

[Paul S]

Hi all, these last 2 postings may be of better use and of better help to people if they are posted in a more appropriate location?

You may want to go up to the "Behaviors in Bereavement" section and look up the topic "Does This Happen?" You may find your answers there, as I know specific physical ocurrences were discussed a lot up there, or you can just post that question in the "Behaviors in Bereavement" section.

One thing I took away from that thread was the fact that we all (men and women) have varying physical reactions during grief.

This topic is about "Honoring the Dead" and ways to do that. "Tending the Cemetary" is very important to me, as it is my only physical connection with my dead parents. I am distant (geographically and emotionally) from the rest of my family and the cemetary is all I have for now, and therefore I would like this topic, if possible, to remain solely on what the title says its about: "Tending the Cemetary" as a way of "Honoring the Dead".

Thanks a bunch. (Its just that its a little disappointing to see in my email inbox a response to this topic, and see that it has nothing to do with the topic. These past couple of posts are very worthy posts, and need to be discussed as various physical reactions can be scary and such, but are better off in a more relevant setting.

Once again, thanks.