Another Sad Anniversary

[Maylissa]

Today marks yet another year without my beloved Sabin. It is hard to believe it's been 6 years already since he had to leave us, leave me. Although it doesn't feel quite like yesterday anymore, it still doesn't seem like anywhere near as long as 6 years. How can that possibly BE?! How could I have lived as long as 6 years without my Precious Bud?! Doesn't my heart say it's only been a couple?....

I asked him last week to PLEASE send me another sign that he was still okay, still around. He sent me his number...."13"....about 5 times that same day!.... then he sent me another cat ( strangely, grey, like his sister ), startling me with his YOWoooLL! on the other side of the garage door, and again, and again....sounding so much like my Boo-Boo ( not the easiest thing, with the probable Siamese he had in his blood...so LOOUUUUUUD!!! ) Yowling at me until I opened the door ( had to, just to make absolutely sure it wasn't a complete miracle, and my Bud had come back to me somehow! Yes, my heart still holds out hope ), and then still more yowling, looking back at me, until he reached the end of the driveway and finally stopped, then crossed the street, heading to the grasses across the way, where me and my guy had always romped, hunted, climbed trees - 'til Mom would have a 'heart-attack' because he was up so high, hanging right over the river, and Dad would have to help him get down, the little Foolski!...could always go up, but not necessarily down! And, of course, playing our absolute favourite game - HIDE & SEEK, in the tall grasses...crouching down flat, until Mom snuck up close by, then making a wild dash out, to run over her feet, taunting her..."Ha! You can't catch ME!....YOW!"...tripping her up ( wild fun! ) so she'd stumble, laughing so hard, from the belly, from the depths, a return to innocent childhood....pure SOUL happiness!!!! A little cock of the head, and Mom would just KNOW that he was plotting another 'attack'! Then a race homeward...."Sabin wins AGAIN! You beat me!!"

Memories...so many...but never too many... and not enough. My Boo-Boo...I always said, "NO one 'gets' me like YOU do...NO one plays with me like YOU do...we're the SAME...we're ONE, you and I." And so it is. But there's no more Hide & Seek, no more innocent childhood...not since you had to leave. Oh my God, Boo-Boo....you're my Boo-Boo...always were, always will be. I miss you so....still, always do. My Boo-Boo, my Boo-Boo, my Love.

Edited February 2, 2006 by Maylissa

[annezeke]

Maylissa,

Your anniversary message broke my heart; for you and for me. I lost the love of my life,Zeke, in November and now I can see the years looming ahead of me with tremendous sadness and irreconcilable grief. He is in my mind and heart always, and I know I shall just have to accept the fact that he was truly a miracle, probably one in a lifetime, which brought me complete peace and happiness. I'm so sorry that you are also still feeling the pain of your loss after six years. Like your Boo Boo, Zeke read me, understood me more than anyone else in this lifetime. I'm thinking of you on your anniversary. Do you believe that you shall be reunited in any form when you pass? I am trying to convince myself of this possibility. I wish you well.

Anne

[tattoodlb]

Anniversaries are bittersweet when it comes to marking the death of a loved one (with memories instead of celebrations)...It has only been 4 1/2 months since Smokey passed on, and no, it does not feel like yesterday any more, but it feels like a life time ago. Honestly, I have not been happy since then and I constantly think about death in all aspects and wonder who is next?! That frightens me and I do not feel normal and I am afraid to get another cat although I really want one, (I am waiting for a kitten that I purchased that is not born yet and this little guy is due to me in May) and if anyone thought Smokey was spoiled, they should just wait until they see how spoiled this other kitty will be.!!!

My ferrets are very spoiled as well.

Losing your cherished pet is having the one thing that means the most to you in the world suddenly ripped from your grasp and leaving you alone and wondering why...why do we love our pets more than other humans sometimes? Because our pets are all the good and love and happiness that people can experience within their lives without depending on anyone else, pets are there for us no matter what and they do love us, they make us laugh and they understand us and they give us the ability to actually SEE and FEEL our own hearts. We get to know ourselves and we feel good when we can share our souls with animals and be accepted.

[Maylissa]

Dear Anne,

I know you lost your precious Zeke - I first replied to your other post before I saw your response to this one. Although I know this posting of mine sounds bleak, please keep in mind that it was an Anniversary, and as most special dates and certain other triggers do, this one is, of course, no exception to bringing to the surface more sorrow than many of us feel on other, less distressing days. I don't want you to get the impression that I go around feeling this terrible on most days, after 6 years' time. But yes, the sorrow and pining for my boy remain in my heart, underneath everyday life, but it's also manageable more often than not. I'm also an extra-sensitive person, so I don't know if everyone else feels exactly this way after as long a time. It looks to me like most people always miss their most-special loved ones ( whether animal or human ) in one way or another, but that most of us also experience joy again, side-by-side with that missing....it's hard to explain, yet that's how it is, at least for me. It's not like I never laugh, hard at times, or have fun with some things, and some things are even more appreciated because of the contrast to the sorrow...they're just both there. I no longer obsessively have to think of my boy every waking moment, though I do still remember him in many moments... but I don't feel the need to cry at each one. Don't worry - the pain does lessen, in your own time.

Do I think I'll see him again? Well, while I have to be honest and say I've suffered greatly with spiritual beliefs, since his passing, and then again and more urgently since my Mother's and brother's deaths 2 years ago ( because the number of loved ones I'm losing is increasing, and I'm getting older! ), and yet I believe I'll experience him again in at least some way after my body is left behind. What that way is, is up for debate, but if you read any of my other postings on ADC's from Sabin ( you can do a search of all postings from any member by clicking on that member's name from their post - once you have their profile up, the way to search is located on the upper, right-hand side of the screen; I forget what it's called ), you'll see that their energy lives on, long after we can't see or touch them anymore. So no matter what it is exactly that happens, or what/who we become after we're done with our bodies, there's something that survives. And since energy is all we really are, were and will still be, I trust that there will be a way to connect some more with other energies. Sabin, of course, is the one who taught me that directly, by sticking around for me and his sister afterwards, and doing the same thing again every now and then, and even all these years later. It's NOT my imagination and no one could ever convince me it was, as his sister and I both heard the same things on a few occasions. The more you hear of others experiences with this, the more it should increase your hope or belief in this regard. There are several books mentioned by me and others in these older posts which may also help. Even "Chicken Soup for the Animal Lover's Soul" has several accounts. But the best way to 'convince' youreself is to stay open and alert, yet as relaxed as possible ( yah, I know..."Yah, right!" ) to signs that Zeke may be sending you. They may even come through your other dog, as many did through Sabin's sister. If and when you get one ( or more ), I expect you to let me know!!