Oh The Pain And Tears

[kim]

I am new to this site and to the intense sadness and guilt that I am feeling having set my dog Bandit free on Saturday. He was just getting old and his anxiety was over taking his happiness, so I did what I thought was the right thing to do. Now, I just sit and cry and cry because I miss him so much. I feel guilty that it was perhaps "too soon". He was with me for 7.5 years having rescued him from the shelter. He lived about 13 years the best that we can guess, and he was my only companion. I am now all alone, the house is quiet and I am so, so sad. How do you find the joy again and how do you ever know if you did the right thing?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

My heart is broken.

Kim

[Maylissa]

Dear Kim,

Please accept my heartfelt sympathies on the loss of Bandit. We all know, here, how hard this road is. But the first thing that struck me in your post was that you said you set him free. Hang onto that. It's a great attitude to carry with you in your grief.

If there's anything I've heard most about our grief over our beloved animals, it's that no one is ever ( that I've heard of yet ) certain about our choice whether to euthanize or not. I'm in the other camp, in that I DIDN'T...and I can't begin to tell you how awful that feels as well, at least when it's clearly needed, as it turned out it was in my boy's case. It took me almost 6 years until I finally felt a little better, a little less guilty, about it. I simply couldn't let go sooner, and within 5 minutes of me deciding to finally let go and give him permission to leave, he did. I felt like the worst beast that ever lived on this planet, for having delayed. I could speak volumes about this one aspect, but suffice to say, no matter what decision we make on behalf of our loved ones, we WILL doubt, and sometimes very heavily. In the final analysis, it really did just come down to this sage wisdom: I did the best that I could do, with the knowledge I then had, at that time, and I didn't do, or not do, anything with intent to harm. Do I still wish that I could take it all back and do things differently? Of COURSE I do, but that's not possible, not until we figure out how to time-travel. ( a secret wish I'm sure we all have! )

To find the joy again....again, VOLUMES could, and have been, written about that. I would, in a nutshell, suggest you avail yourself of Marty T.'s e-course ( on the main site ) for the first year of grief. While I haven't done it myself, I trust her insight and wisdom, and have it in mind for when my fur-girl goes, as I know I'll be needing even more help than when I lost my boy, as she's our last furbaby and won't be here to get me through her own passing. The other nutshell...is just FEEL your grief, whenever, whatever, it's about...and don't let anyone belittle it! That's why we're all here - to lend support, advice, courage, share our sorrow...if you're comfortable with it, write as often as you need or want to. There are many listening ears here for you. Namaste.

[annezeke]

Kim,

I too "set (my beloved Zeke)free" as you put it in November, and still feel utterly traumatized by the act of doing so, even although in my heart I know that I saved him from alot of discomfort. I happened to take a number of photos of him that day before the vet arrived (I know that might sound weird but I needed to have a record of a more objective perspective of that day). In those photos I can see Zeke's , anguish, discomfort and misery on his face. He was 16 and we (he and I) had been up every night for the five nights before he died. He was failing and he knew it and I knew it. He was/is the love of my life. The decision I made was only for his benefit, as I'm sure yours was. You must trust your heart and your instincts. We are only imperfect humans but with tremendous love for our non-human friends. If your motivation was pure then you should try not to torture yourself with guilt. I too had the recurring and torturous thoughts that would say" what the hell have I done, Zeke was still walking around, he ate a little bit that morning", etc. etc. But then I would go over all the details in my mind that lead to the sickening reality of his condition and it's inevitable conclusion, with or without my intervention. I even called his two vets a number of times just to go over it again with them so that I would feel reassured. This is a terrible place to be, mentally. Try not to torture yourself with guilt and second guessing. For me, I have decided that the real issue here is really about the terrible shock of having to make such an excruciating decision, to be the one that has to initiate the final departure of a creature that is so dear

to us. What an unfathomable position of pain to be in...but we did it out of love.Instead of guilt, maybe you could honor your own courage for finding the strength to carry out the ultimate act of selflessness for your friend. It's very hard to comprehend the mystery of it all. Life disappears in an instant.I spent so many years trying to make Zeke happy and comfortable and healthy. He had alot of problems and emotional and physical suffering . I put him at the top of my list in terms of my priorities, including my own needs. So to have to euthanize him went against everything that went before in terms of trying to keep him in top shape, forever! But, this final act was in the end, consistent with caring for HIM, not me. My vet said she would rather euthanize an animal too early rather than too late. Wouldn't that have been worse for you? It's so so hard. I'm so sorry for you. I am suffering so, too. Best thing is charge full steam ahead looking for support. It's hard to find but it's out there. Right here, even. Take good care of yourself and write back. With love and sympathy to you, Anne (annezeke)

[kim]

You wonderful, wonderful people. Just reading the courage that you have faced gives me hope that I will come out on the other side of this a happy healthy person again. Bandit was my top priority and he and I were together 24/7 for the past 7 months as he was no longer able to stay at home alone, the anxiety was too much for him and he was doing harm to himslef and the furniture to try and get out of the house to find me. Now I hear his ghost whispers all around me, and I can smell his sweet hot breath just every now and then. It is just so, surreal!

I love that dog more than anything and I know he would have hung in there with me until his last breath. You are right though, and I take comfort in your vet's words of saying she would rather euthanise too early rather than too late. The struggle is was this too early? I am not sure, all I know for certain is that he could not survive being in a kennel for 7 days when I go on vacation and he could not stay with friends due to his anxiety and ripping up someone else's home. He had not been sleeping through the night anymore and had lost feeling in his back feet. My head said it was time to take the high ground and set him free. I think my heart just has not come close to catching up to my head yet, therein lies the disconnect.

Tonight I will cry until I sleep. Thank you again for responding, it helps to know that I can cry here and be safe doing so without judgement from other's who have never gone through this anguish.

Kim

[Guest julia]

Dear Kim, please know he is ok- and you did make the right choice-

THe day I decided to have rani put to sleep- i had not slept in two months- he was suffering andwould wake me every hour. The alst day he could no longer keep down food- I rushed him through manhattan in a cab to the bvet- she told me he had about ten other conditions other than cushings- she asked me if his heart failed during the night did she want me to keep him alive. My first thought was I dont want rani to die alone over night- and so I held him as they put him to sleep.

I also want you all to know that their sould continue on- I am intutive and evern work professionally as one- I see and feel Rani around me- It does not lessen the pain because I would love to hold him...But I want you to know that his soul continues on- we are the ones left in the grief- Love Julia