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My Missing Piece

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My mom died in her sleep on the morning of Tuesday February 3rd 2015, my daughter (2 at the time) and I found her after thinking she just overslept n stay home from work .. We layed in the bed with her not knowing ... Didn't even realize she was gone until I was making breakfast for my disabled brother and I set off the fire alarm. Usually she would get up and say " hey hey hey who's burning down my house" but not this time so I stopped n turned off everything ... I went to the room n she was just laying there on her stomach her phone vibrating under her so I picked it up n she had 30 missed calls n 28 text my heart dropped I start hitting her ... Screaming punching everything my world is over ! I never had a father she was all I had .. Such a troubled teen n she never gave up on me she was my best friend she knew things about me not even my friends knew ,things nobody should know about their daughter but she never judged me n now she's gone. I'm so lost and empty it's been 10 months n this feeling of abandment and brokenness won't fade . I'm 23 years old and I take care of a 3 year old baby girl and my twin brothers ,21, but one is mentally and physically disabled ... I'm not the oldest child but I got left with all her responsibilities... No this is not the hard part in my life I love my family n without them I probably would of took my own life when i found my mother but my daughter keep me strong ... My only struggle is I need my mother I never went a day without her now u telling me I have to live my whole life without her ...  She was fine she just went to sleep n that was it ... 49 years old ... I fear this stress will kill me early .... Nothing seems worth it anymore ... I'm empty , I'm mean , I'm broken into a million pieces , and I don't ever think I can b fixed ... I can't b left again... 

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I am sorry you have so much on you right now, and especially for the loss of your mom.  I lost my mom in August 2014 but I think it's harder when you're young and didn't expect it.  Have you talked to Social Services about getting some help with your brother?  You should at least be able to get paid for taking care of him so that you wouldn't have to work outside the home.

Does your mom have a close friend you could turn to?  Try to just take a day at a time and not think about beyond that, it's too much to take on at once, especially so early in your grief.

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I too am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my Mom June 2014, and it was the worst tragedy of my life... the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of her, or cry, and miss her terribly.   I lost my Dad at your age, and that was so hard too.  Never thought I'd be without a dad, now 28 years later, I lost both parents.  It hurts so much, still.   I do recommend a grief counseling group and I found one at my church. It helps being surrounded by people who actually understand my pain, because they have it as well.  We give one another support and help each other with ideas. Counseling will also help, I did that too.

A Mom is truly a best friend, and losing her not only is tragic, but a part of you is gone.  Who in the world knows you better?  no one.  So I recommend always speak to her because I believe she DOES hear you.  Do you have good friends for support?  Like Kayc said, a friend of your Mom's would be good too.  I have Mom's friend who lived on the 6th floor, and she and I chat almost daily.  I go to church and light candles for her.  I even set up a water fountain at my friend door and put a scentcy candle there, scented, and a photo of Mom.  I turn on the candle and lights around it filter onto Mom's face in the picture, and I hear the beautiful water cascascading down the fountain.  Every morning I turn it on and say 'Goodmorning Mom', and at night I turn it off and say 'Goodnight Mom'.  I also have a journal that I leave in Mom's room, and go sit there once in a while and write in it.  I write as though I'm talking to her... it helps as well.

It's a long road ahead, and one that you will get strength, and by talking to your Mom, she too will give you strength.  Your daughter needs you, and needs beautiful memories of your Mom.  Sit down and look at pictures together, reminisce, be sure that she always has vivid memories of her grandmother... The more you keep your Mom's memory alive, in your home, the more she will visit you.

Be strong, and know that you will one day be better... but it will take time.  Try and smile every time you think of her, even through your tears.   

May she resting peace, and may she give you the strength to carry on her beautiful legacy.


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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you so much for ur kind words Kayc && Sweetwater. Right now I actually don't really have anybody to talk to I've tried in the past but it's hard for me to see somebody else say they hurt but I never feel lik it's the same so I shut down ... I fear goin to talk to a professional because I know my pain is way beyond this passing of my mother n they might take me away from all my responsibilities ... Before my mother passed we always talked about me goin to talk to somebody but I always pushed it off ... Between having a social anxiety and just being angry at the world it's hard for me to ever express how I'm feeling to anyone but my mother ... It will b a year next month n I'm not ready I don't even know how I made it .. Just happy 2015 is over 


I try so hard to make sure my daughter knows her grandma and knows how much she really loved and cherished her and she seems to understand... But than I start to cry looking at that beautiful smile she had and how I will never get to her the laugh n all I can hear out my daughters mouth at this point is " mommy ur sad , u miss grandma , grandmas sleeping all day " (that's what she says her grandmas sleeping all day because she was there in myths bed with her the day we found her )

I don't wanna b broken anymore in front of my babygirl but I don't know who to turn to 

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I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to, am not sure why you're afraid to talk to a professional when they're there to help you.  Are you afraid they'll take your child away from you?

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