Cathyc Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 Does anyone else out there get deeply attached to someone and then fall into despair when you are rejected? This happened to me last week and I'm grieving the loss of a relationship that never even got off the ground. I only met this person a couple of times and we never even really dated, but he came across as my ideal guy so I built up a relationship in my head with him. He told me last week he doesn't want to even date anyone. I'm feeling depressed about it. Logically, I know I shouldn't feel this affected by it, but I am. I think its probably due to my father's death when I was young, but knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with. Any thoughts, shared experiences, advice, etc. are welcome. Thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 I think, like you say, it's more the loss of a dream. You'd built up something in your mind but that wasn't it, if it was, he would have reciprocated. Mind or not, it still hurts and it's still a type of loss. I hope you run across what you're looking for. I gave up years ago ever finding or having love in my life again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathyc Posted March 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 Thanks, Kayc, for acknowledging my feelings. Its so tempting to deal with this feeling by just rationalizing and hoping it will work out. Why did you give up on finding love in your life again? I hope that's not being nosy Please ignore it if you wish. I've never had a real love in my life and am in my forties. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 9, 2016 Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 My husband died right after he turned 51. In my family we live into our 90s, I felt I couldn't do 40 years alone! I remarried but it was awful, he was a con and he had no intention of a normal marriage or living with me, but I didn't know that. He always knew the right things to say to string me along, when all was said and done he used my credit for $50,000.00 and then quit his job, went into hiding with a girlfriend, and stuck me with all the bills. I had remortgaged my house when my husband died to pay the hospital, doctors, ambulance, then had to remortgage it when John stuck me with his bills. I got a judgment against him but it does no good, he doesn't work and I don't know where he lives. I tried one more time, got engaged to a very nice man, then when his mom was dying, he suddenly broke up with me...by Fed Ex...I got the news while I was at work. It broke my heart! I figure if I can't do better than this I should have quit when my husband died, he was a wonderful husband and treated me like a queen. I've never seen anyone so devoted, he adored me. I don't expect to ever have that again, and I've decided to live my years out alone. I'm 63 now (he died nearly 11 years ago) and I'm used to being alone now. Perhaps you will find it. I was in my 40s when I met George, he was my soulmate, and we immediately clicked, had great communication, just went together so well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathyc Posted March 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2016 HI Kayc, I am glad you had that love in your life! When I was younger I had a history of going for the "bad boys" and all the relationships ended badly. I am in my fifties and now it seems that all the "good guys" reject me for some reason. Then I feel like a teenager, mooning over them, wondering what I did or say wrong, etc. One guy told me he thought I was trying too hard and then the next guy I dated told me he thought I came across as cold (when I met him later as a casual friend I asked him). I guess when I met this current guy it made me realize how wonderful it would be in love and have someone love me back. But I'll get over it. At least I have some good friendships in my life and I remind myself to count my blessings for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 11, 2016 Report Share Posted March 11, 2016 I've been told I come across as strong and independent and a bit intimidating. Ha! I HAVE to be strong and independent, it's not because I WANT to be! I would have loved sharing my life with someone, interdependent, but I got it for such a short time...sigh. I guess I'm lucky to have had it at all, but man it hurts like the dickens to have had the greatest love in the world, only to lose him to death. We were supposed to grow old together! You are doing well to focus on what you DO have, and good friends are worth their weight in gold! Right now I'm lacking that and miss it...need to find and build some new relationships. My friends all seem to move away at some point or another! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athos Posted March 11, 2016 Report Share Posted March 11, 2016 I sort of know how you feel. I have been turned down many times. I call it the bad check syndrome because you might feel like a bad check. I have had an unrequited love for a woman I worked with for avery long time, though we only talked in her office. She is married, happily, I think--, so I had no chance and I knew it. I really thought she was perfect for me but obviously I was not for her. It is painful, especially if you anger her or him as I did. Other people may not understand your feelings, and do not expect themto. Try to imagine this guy's faults and how you might not get along even if you were a couple. How do you know you would be happy? Maybe you don't share the same actual interests and plans. Sex interests? Who knows? If he does not find you atrractive enough, you are better off without him. Maybe he has a bad temper, is not ambitious, or plays around? Maybe he would have never shared your passion. Maybe he is not interested in children or in treating women like ladies. Many maybes and ifs. You assume that he would be ideal but that is wishful thinking, believe me. Much love is wishful thinking. You don't have to look for love--love finds you!! I found that true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathyc Posted March 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2016 Thanks, Athos, that's really helpful advice. I am thinking about it now. The specific questions you are asking are helping me focus on the real vs. the idealized relationship I had in my head. Of course, in my head it would have been perfect! And its a good reminder, why would I spend time even thinking about someone who doesn't cherish me (let alone who wouldn't be bothered to ask me out somewhere). Really, I know its really immature at my age, but thanks for acknowledging my feelings and help me address them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athos Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 I don't think you are immature (but I dont know your age). I think it is normal and it happens more than you think. You could still talk to him if that is possible without sounding romantic at all. You'd have to have an excuse or good reason to call or email him. Chit chat.. Of course, he may not respond, so consider that. I have a bad habit of falling for women who are married or taken. Maybe because if they turn me down (which they always do) then I assume it is because they were unavailable anyway. It doesn't make me feel any better! Anyway, how can you know he would be perfect for you if you barely know him?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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