Cathyc

Oz, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The photo shows him as a man so full of life! Its hard to believe someone like that is gone and it seems so unfair. Sibling grief is such a strange experience. Its different for each of us, but it hits us a lot harder than most people realize. Now that I have some distance from my own brother's death, I try to focus on living in a way he would want me to, as a way of doing justice to his memory. Time does not necessarily heal, but it does soften grief and the most important thing is to read, write, talk and share the experience. That's the best way to work through it. Thanks for sharing the photos too. Even though I didn't get to meet your brother, I feel a lot of inspiration from him!

Thanks, Athos, that's really helpful advice. I am thinking about it now. The specific questions you are asking are helping me focus on the real vs. the idealized relationship I had in my head. Of course, in my head it would have been perfect! And its a good reminder, why would I spend time even thinking about someone who doesn't cherish me (let alone who wouldn't be bothered to ask me out somewhere). Really, I know its really immature at my age, but thanks for acknowledging my feelings and help me address them.

Hahaha! That made me laugh. Thanks so much!

Chin-up, I"m sorry you went through this and admire your resilience! Your horses are beautiful, too. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by grieving and moving on!

HI Kayc, I am glad you had that love in your life! When I was younger I had a history of going for the "bad boys" and all the relationships ended badly. I am in my fifties and now it seems that all the "good guys" reject me for some reason. Then I feel like a teenager, mooning over them, wondering what I did or say wrong, etc. One guy told me he thought I was trying too hard and then the next guy I dated told me he thought I came across as cold (when I met him later as a casual friend I asked him). I guess when I met this current guy it made me realize how wonderful it would be in love and have someone love me back. But I'll get over it. At least I have some good friendships in my life and I remind myself to count my blessings for them.

I can't think of much to add to this advice, except my heart goes out to you. I"m glad you are seeing a counsellor. I ditto the suggestion about the chaplain. I was with a family once who dealt with a chaplain when their daughter was in palliative care and he was awesome. The family were actually atheists and the chaplain didn't push religion at all. He was just there to provide gentle support.

Thanks, Kayc, for acknowledging my feelings. Its so tempting to deal with this feeling by just rationalizing and hoping it will work out. Why did you give up on finding love in your life again? I hope that's not being nosy Please ignore it if you wish. I've never had a real love in my life and am in my forties.

Does anyone else out there get deeply attached to someone and then fall into despair when you are rejected? This happened to me last week and I'm grieving the loss of a relationship that never even got off the ground. I only met this person a couple of times and we never even really dated, but he came across as my ideal guy so I built up a relationship in my head with him. He told me last week he doesn't want to even date anyone. I'm feeling depressed about it. Logically, I know I shouldn't feel this affected by it, but I am. I think its probably due to my father's death when I was young, but knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with. Any thoughts, shared experiences, advice, etc. are welcome. Thanks in advance.

Yes, when I feel my grief lifting and am tempted to feel guilty for not feeling said, I tell myself the guilt would only be applied if I forgot my brother altogether. Holding on to the positive memories and lessons learned through the grief process is honouring the deceased person in the way they want us to. Also, of course, trying to uphold the values they left us with.

HI Smilingness, I am so sorry to hear that news. Its going to be very, very hard for you to deal with the loss of both siblings. Please keep us posted.

Someone asked how we coped in the beginning and why people don't talk about it. I think for me it its because I didn't really "cope" in the beginning. I just tried to survive. I was in a fog. I remember telling myself I had to eat even though I didn't think I could hold any food down. I think the feeling of actually coping maybe sets in a bit later for some of us. Hollow heart, I agree some people stay stuck. But I think just the sheer fact that you are reaching out here tells me you won't stay stuck. You're actively thinking about what to do and that tells me that you will be able to create a better life for yourself. In the long run, I think you will find ways to meet like-minded people and bond with people you can trust. You sound like a great person and I am sure you will be able to do that. But in the meantime, all I can tell you for now, is hang in there and keep working on working through the grief.

JMO, thank you for posting. Every time someone joins us, I learn a lot and i think the rest of us do, too. I'm further along my grief journey that some people here but still I come here to learn and sometimes to cry. One thing I can say for sure is that it takes a long time and a lot of thinking to deal with your feelings of sadness, guilt and anything else you feel. But its really worth it to keep at it, keep learning and sharing, and you always are welcome here. I have learned that sometimes its best to just feeling the feelings (ie. let myself cry or feel the depth of all the negative feelings). Sometimes its best to forget those feelings and distract myself with other things. Sometimes, it means writing, reflecting and thinking about my feelings so I can find ways to channel them. Only you will be able to work out your own rhythms over time (and it can take a long time), but do not under any circumstances try to be positive all the time!

I just picked one picture of my brother to frame. When I look at it, i imagine what he would say to me to comfort me and what he would want me to do. I imagine him telling me that I can't turn back the past but I can take what I have learned and use it from this point forward. I try to live up to at least some of his ideals. Like you, I was the younger one and I think that brings a special guilt because we were always oblivious to what our older siblings did for us when we were younger and sometimes when we were older too. And I am very conscious that I was always a thorn in my brother's side. So, that, combined with my ungratefulness still dogs me. I would do anything now to bring him back and tell him I do appreciate his love and protectiveness toward me. And that I am sorry I didn't understand it at the time. I can just hear him saying now, "How could you understand? I didn't really understand it myself at the time either." I know for sure he would want me to live as full a life as possible. Sometimes I think the biggest betrayal would be to throw my life down the drain now that I know what I know. Another thing I say to myself for comfort is to remind myself that he did and said a lot of thing he regretted, too. So. we were both just being oblivious to a lot of things. I guess the difference is that I had a chance to learn from his death (just as he would have, if I had died first) and so I have a responsibility to him to use that learning while I am alive. Reading these sibling posts, i notice that we all have different relationships with our siblings and would grieve hard no matter what it was. if you were very close to them, saw them daily and were best friends, of course you miss your best friend. But if you weren't close, there is a huge burden with that. too, because you have extra regrets and guilt over the relationship. Obviously, one isn't worse than the other, but its just a commentary on our diversity and the fact that we all have strong reasons to grieve.

Hi Virgo, We're just going to have the regular Christmas, but it was always small and my brother wasn't alway there to begin with after we grew up (he lived in another city). We're atheists so we didn't do a big Christmas to begin with. When I was younger, i always wished we had more of a Christmas, but now its a bit easier for me that we didn't. I still really miss my brother though. I will be thinking about him all day. I'm going to try to hold myself together for our parents sake today. Not to pretend nothing has changed but to appreciate the chance to be with them while the rest of us are still alive. I know what you mean about being part of a team and that team is broken. I feel that way too, especially for the first months. Its like I was always anchored to something and then link to the anchor broke so now I was adrift, totally alone and with no control over where I drifted. Its a scary feeling. I was getting anxiety attacks to the point where I threw up, and I even had a couple of full blown panic attacks. The feeling is indescribable, but it is like everything around that used to ground you is gone. Over time, though,I've come feel an anchor to the spirit of my brother, like he is still in my mind and heart. Because so much of what we did and talked about together and what he told me is now inside of me, not in his physical body. I still feel adrift and anxious at times but not in the extreme way. I've also learned through my counsellor I have an "inner centre" I can access. Its hard to explain but its like you imagine you have this inner place of calm and you can focus on it when you are upset or anxious, because it gives you strength. Took me months and months to realize it, though. So, again, hang in there. I will be thinking of you.

Hi Virgo and others on this thread. I am thinking of you all today and over the Christmas season. So many people in our everyday lives have no understanding of what we are going through, nor do they know how to respond. How could they? For those of us who celebrate Christmas, this season is going to bring us down, but we will get through it. For me, what helps is the memory of my brother and the knowledge he would want me to hang in there, feel whatever I feel and know that in the future things will get better. I know he would tell me the best thing I can do in his memory is to make the most of my own life. He would also know I am not capable of doing that each and every moment and through each and every grief spell. He wouldn't say "Cheer up." He would say, "Feel what you have to feel. Do what you have to do but NEVER give up on knowing that your own life can eventually be a fulfilling one with huge amounts of happiness." Yeah, this is hard, but we can do it. Virgo, do you have plans for Christmas?

Hollowheart, i don't know what to say here except to acknoweldge that extra burden of guilt you feel is adding so much to your pain. I have been through a lot of pain losing my brother and that's was without a feeling I could have saved him. So I ca't' imagine what you are going through now with the feeling of guilt hanging over you.. Having that feeling is something will really need to deal with over time, or it will haunt you forever. I agree that if you don't find the couselling is working, move on and find a new counsellor. Often its a good personal client-counsellor fit that works best and you have to shop around a bit to find the right one. I am really sorry you are going through all of this. it seems so unfair that you have to. But hang in there and keep doing what you can.

I think it takes each of us some trial and error to find our own rhythm and ways to deal with the grief. I noticed that Marty's article said something about setting aside specific times to grief. This was also suggested to me by my counsellor and I didn't follow the suggestion directly but I found that it was surprisingly helpful to kind of identify "now is a time to grief" and really grieve, and "now is a time to forget about it for a short while." When you say today is a bad day, maybe today is a day to embrace the grief. For my short times away from the grief, it wasn't so much what I did, but the idea that I promised myself not to think about my brother. Even just a very short time to start is enough. Its not that you are trying to forget your sister, of course! Its more than you are giving your body a rest from the grief. Those rests help you deal with it more constructively over time when it hits again. You might have to just use a bit of trial and error to think about what you will do during your rest periods, and maybe try to some new things. I found it very helpful to get out of the house in the morning to exercise. I had not done that before! Another thing I tried was to go shopping and just be grateful for every bit of life I saw and every person I encountered. That might sound flaky. I am not suggesting it is a good idea for you. I am just using it as an example of how "out there" your attempts might be. You never know what will work, so try it! Like the hobbies suggestion, this is NOT meant to fix your grief but just to give you breaks from it so that you can eventually process it constructively as your sister would want you to do. Only you can tell for sure when you need to immerse yourself in the grief and when you take a break, but over time, I found that for me, that kind of thinking/planning helped me learn to manage mine. I also want to express a huge thanks to everyone who is posting here. I am very grateful to know I am not alone in this!

I wonder if they have ever been through this themselves. I think it is part of the disenfranchised grief thing that most people don't recognize the profound effects of a death of a sibling. To be honest, I didn't fully appreciate the depth of the grief and complexity of the feelings myself until I had to go through it. I agree that people at work are most likely to come across as callous, since they are less likely to have known your sibling and the rest of your family. They didn't likely see the effects firsthand, so its "out of sight out of mind" for them. And I agree that the custom of wearing black for a year might be a good thing, to remind people. Kay, yes it is selfish of them in the sense of being self absorbed. But it will catch up with them sooner or later in their own lives, one day, too.

Re. the Facebook posts. Yes, their life might seem perfect now but first of all, its a tendency of people to inflate what's good about their lives when they post. Plus, you never know what is going to hit whoever, when. So, one day, yes someone's life is perfect, but the next day, an unexpected death, disability or illness hits them or their family and its all in disarray for them, too. it can, and does happen to any of us. I stopped being envious of other people long ago for that reason.

Mom's Angel, are you at college or university? I strongly encourage you to tell a teacher. They will likely know of counselling or support you can access at your college or university. They might also arrange for other exams to be delayed. Or, if you can't bring yourself to tell a teacher, maybe get one of your friends to go with you.

Yes, he will be forever in your heart. That's how I feel about my brother. Its almost as if I were carrying him around physically with me. I feel his presence with me.

I agree completely. For me, it was also a matter of grief waves becoming more sporadic. I can still feel it intensely sometimes, but for shorter periods of time, and with longer periods of time feeling "normal" in-between. It really does get better especially if you get informed (and thanks for the articles, Marty) and are able to talk it through in places like this group (if you can't join one where you are).

Thanks, Marty for the articles. It is very helpful to know what our options are. A while ago, I learned to have a quick addition handy for when I tell someone, like "I had a brother but he passed away." If someone asks what happened or tries to pry, I say "Its a long story, lets not talk about it right now" Say it in a friendly but firm manner and they will back off. If they say, "I'm sorry" and/or given me that sympathetic look or they feel guilty they asked, I quickly say, "Its okay, don't worry about it." Because if they don't feel guilty and awkward, its easier for both of us. And I then ask them a question about themselves, to ensure the conversation gets changed. I found that if you prepare that kind of quick response ahead of time, its a lot easier to take control and change the conversation. I wouldn't lie, like say he's overseas, because that could lead to more questions. Or maybe you get to know the person better and eventually you have to tell them. Plus, when someone how many brothers and sisters you have, its good for them to learn where they will end up. Then they might think twice about asking someone else the same question. I'm at the stage now where I don't ask other people about their families until I feel there is already a lot of common ground. And even then I would just say, "I'm interested in knowing about you and your family." So, its up to them to decide how much they want to tell me.

I feel the same today, even though I don't feel it constantly anymore. I wonder how do people survive the loss of a child or a spouse? Its odd because It thought I was dealing successfully with this loss but today I feel like phoning my brother just to say hello. I can't believe he is gone. Its just so unbelievable, even though it was months ago that he died and I was at his bedside. Its jus like it was such a horrible dream. We have to go on. I think we all know that. But its intense loneliness in the moment that I feel. Thanks to both of you for posting because it helps me a bit to know I am not the only one who is reacting this way.

I also feel sometimes i am less afraid to die now. I wish I could be confidant I will see him but I don't have the religious faith. I do think that at least I will know where or what happened to him in the end. I guess I have a stronger knowledge now that I will die eventually. Before my brother did, I didn't really think about it as a reality. I hope I do think about it when my time has come because then I will think "If he had to go through this, I have to, too." But not before God or fate decide its my time! Sometimes I talk to him or imagine what he would tell me if he could. I know that he would he wants me to make the best possible use of my life while I have it, and even to take good care of my health. Even to enjoy tiny little things that happen every day, that I otherwise would take for granted. When I think about that, I get a weird kind of upbeat feeling. Losing a sibling is so strange. Its especially hard at first, but I feel the worst parts have softened over time.