How Do I Deal With This?

[laurasc718472]

My dear Pismo had to be put down last night. It's been a whole 24 hours.

It started about a month and a half ago. He had diarrhea and an upper respiratory infection. The veternarian gave him two different meds, one for each problem. The URI went away, but the diarrhea didn't. After the 10-day course, his diarrhea was not gone. I called and another MD prescribed a stronger drug. On the third day after taking this medication, Pismo became anorexic -- he wasn't eating or drinking anything.

So at 10:00 on Saturday, we took a trip to the vet. The doctor felt a mass in his belly -- took xrays and ultrasounds..... The vet then told me he had a 4-inch diameter tumor in his colon. He said that the tumor needed to come out, but if he opened him up and saw that the cancer (90% chance of being cancer) was spread into much more of his body, he wouldn't wake him up just to be put back down. So I thought I was taking him in for a medication reaction AND.... .He gave me 10 minutes to say my goodbyes. I was in shock. I still am... Well, Pismo came out of the surgery -- "Like a champ" the doctor said.

After two days he was able to come home. He seemed like he was almost back to his normal self -- eating, scratching on his post, going nite-nite under the covers with me. EVERYTHING SEEMED SO GOOD!!! Chemo was scheduled on his 10th day of recovery, and the doctor said that he could be helped....

Two days before chemo, he started not to eat or drink again.... Had his first chemo treatment was on Tuesday -- Just 5 days ago. He didn't respond well to it at all. He was out of it for 2-3 days. The next day he started to bloat....All this time I was giving him subcutaneous fluids and also mixing his food with water and administering it through a syringe. Anything for my boy. He started to get a fever. The look in his eyes. I've never seen him look at me like that. I knew he was in pain.

I took him in Saturday evening, just last night. The veternarian said that he was in a lot of pain and that most cats respond well to chemo and return to an almost normal life right away, but chemo wasn't helping.....WHY NOT PISMO.... I tried everything I could, but no hope.

Medical science nor any amount of money could not save my poor boy. It sure hurts. I would want someone with me until the last minute, so I knew that he would too.

The tears are flooding down my face right now. I can hardly get the picture of his little head slowly going down to the cushion on the chair. Those are my last memories of my dear cat. 13 years of unconditional love!!!!!!! It doesn't seem fair that others live so long and my boy's life was cut so short and painful by this cancer.

I am grateful that I did have a couple days of my Pismo after the surgery. We spent valuable time together.

I never thought his last days were going to be spent under the bed cowering and in so much pain. I never thought my last days with him were going to be spent together underneath the bed either. That's where he felt safe. I brushed him and talked to him. He loved me. I know it.

He used to lay next to me in bed, look into my eyes and paw at my face. That was his expression of love. He would sit on the floor next to me while I took a bath. He waited patiently to be fed. He always came out to visit when people were over, and always seem to have to supervise the repairmen that showed up. Now my beloved Pismo is not here anymore.

I CAN'T TAKE IT...I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN...............HOW DOES ONE GET OVER SUCH A LOSS??? I know that I will never get over it.

I just moved to a new state and have no friends or family out here........It was just us and now it's just me.... How does life go on???

Pismo, I love you. I am in our room...Every time I look at that bed, it hurts to know that he's not underneath it any more. I guess I can look at it that he's not in any pain any more.

"A far more dangerous form of selfishness is to prolong a pet's suffering simply to postpone one's own." After reading this, I couldn't hang on any more.......... I didn't want to be selfish to an animal that was so selfless.... I'm sorry for any pain that I caused. I love you!!!!

[Maylissa]

Dear Laura,

I'm so sorry you lost your dear Pismo ( such a sweet name, too ), and to the pain of cancer. My boy, Sabin, also died from cancer, also faster than what had been suggested...but unlike Pismo, he wasn't euthanized. We were waiting for a drug to kick in, for a complicating factor, that might have allowed us to then treat the cancer itself...and I waited too long. Sabin only lasted one month since the diagnosis, when we'd been given an estimate of at LEAST another month after that. We thought we'd have time to try a few holistic treatments, and while we started a few, some didn't work, with others there were problems and everything took far too long to get in and he was too debilitated by then to continue with some of them. I felt like the whole Universe was thwarting my every attempt to save my precious boy, which only led to more depression as it seemed that this was meant to be the end to his time with us.

From your story, you certainly did what little time allowed you to do for him, but more importantly, you DID act selflessly to end his misery at that point where nothing was working. I'm not trying to mimimize your feelings, but I must say that at least your final picture of him wasn't as horrible as what I witnessed, all alone with my guy. So hang onto that. You stopped the pain and allowed him to cross with more peace. Consider it a tribute to your great love for him, as I'm sure he does.

I've heard from others who've dealt with chemo and cats, that yes, many do respond quite favourably from it ( although I wouldn't say their life is necessarily "normal" ), at least for awhile longer, but the specific blend of chemo. drugs must be suited to the type of cancer, and it's not always easy to find a veterianary oncologist who's up on the knowledge required for such specific treatment. For ourselves, with the advice of our local holistic vet, we'd opted out of chemo - she had her reasons, even though she has ready access to such oncologists and has treated with chemo. herself, liasing with the specialists. So at least you tried it, though it didn't work in the end.

Since you were doing sub-cu and syringe-feeding, it's clear you weren't just giving up on Pismo without a fight to save him. Naturally, he would have known this - don't ever doubt that.

Sabin was also only 13 ( and a black cat, with just a tiny tuft of white fur at the very end of his tail, so "13" is a very special number to me now ), so I completely understand how it feels so unfair. And by contrast, his sister just turned 19, although she's not doing well of late, but we'd always thought of Sabin as the stronger one, as he'd pulled through many medical problems with such bravado, gusto and determination previously. I'd NEVER imagined that he'd be the first to go, and certainly not at such a young age, having received such superlative care for most of his life, compared to other cats I knew. Yes, I still think of it, though it's now been 6 years for me, as unfair. Sometimes life just reeks of unfairness!

And yet, I think there were possibly Divine reasons for his early demise, especially those concerning his sister, as she really blossomed, personality-wise, after her own grief abated several months later.

No, you won't 'get over' it - you will just learn to adapt to being here without him in the physical, and maybe even get the occasional After Death Communication from him, just to remind you that his spirit is still very connected to yours. How does life go on? Well, for me, it went on slowly and very painfully, for a very long time, even though I still had his sister. And I'm still here, 6 years later, having also suffered anticipatory grief over his sister for most of those years ( she, too, got sick, with chronic renal failure right after his death, and now with other things as well ). I can't say it was easy for/on me, but the worst part was earlier on. It's not like I've never laughed or had fun since....but it was, and sometimes still is, tough. I still don't like to think of his final day in such pain, or what I didn't do for him, but I do know that I didn't mean him any harm and had done the best I could, with what little I knew then. I will still have to face this same decision with his sister, and perhaps he left me with a final lesson that will need to be applied when her time comes, as maybe it's not going to be easy for her, either and she will need my help.

All of those who love their animals to the end of the earth and beyond, and have had to euthanize many dear ones, say it's NEVER any easier making such choices on behalf of each of their loved ones, unless things are so black and white, there really is no other choice. In your case, I think you made the best choice you could. It was a loving gift to your beloved Pismo.

You could check to see if there's an animal loss support group in your area, if you need to talk to people in person about your feelings....or just keep coming here to share. Perhaps, in time, you could foster another furred creature for a no-kill shelter, to help save another life, and give yourself some company, without feeling like you're 'replacing' Pismo? Or just volunteer with an animal group in some capacity...but any of this all in good time. For now, you need to just take care of YOU and YOUR needs, in your grief. And that's what we're here for.

Edited February 20, 2006 by Maylissa

[laurasc718472]

Maylissa,

Thank you for such kind words. They are very healing. Loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult things we have to endure in life.

I'm sorry to hear about your dear Sabin. You are very lucky to still have his sister. My best wishes for her health for a long time.

It has only been a few days since Pismo has been gone. The pain and guilt are so strong right now. I look at his picture and still want to hold him, but I know that I can't. I miss him deeply.

When I first found out about his cancer, I searched and searched on the web looking for any information I could find. I found hope in a website about a cat that had the exact same thing as Pismo. Her cat lived through chemo and had total remission........she lasted six years after.

I was thinking that, Wow, Pismo has the exact same thing-- the exact same story. This is good news....he's got six more years..... But what I didn't consider are the statistics that I also read. For every one cat that does make it through chemo, there is another one that doesn't. It's just not fair that Pismos was one of them that didn't.

He had a good life... He was estimated to be between 4-6 months when I got him....Someone had abondoned the little guy to fend for himself. How dare they. When he was found dumped at an elementary school, he was emaciated and dirty. The vet that rescued him noticed what a great personality he had, and neutered him and cleaned him all up. It was a call to the right person at the right time that got me my little Pismo.

What fond memories........The few pictures I have I will cherish.

Thanks again. I know that it's just a matter of time before all the tears will be replaced with smiles from all the wonderful times. I'm just hoping that that time comes very soon. I miss my little Piggy.....

[laurasc718472]

DAY -4

I thought I would chart my feelings, just to show myself that my thoughts are in a better place as the days go by.

Thought of dear Pismo a lot today, but today was the first day -- only the day -- that I did not shed a tear. It wasn't until I got home that the tears started again. That's a little progress.

I want to get to the point where I think of Pismo and I just smile and laugh at all the fond memories that we had.

Tomorrow I pick up his ashes. I've been putting this off since Sunday. He had been cremated the very next day.....I couldn't bear to think of him that way. I still can't.

Cremation is a hard one for me. I couldn't bear to see him again -- not after having put him down. I could have buried him, but we just moved here. It's not his home and what happens when I move? I just wanted to be able to take him with me instead of leaving him. I never want to leave him.

Pismo, you meant so very much in my life. I have your picture on the desk. It's the look that I remember. I miss you!!!!! I'm very sorry that you had to go through everything that you did. Mommie just couldn't help any more

[laurasc718472]

DAY 5 -

I picked up Pismo's ashes today. It's kind of creepy knowing that my cat is not my cat anymore. The thought of burying him and then moving away, made me sad. So, Pismo's in a picture urn.

I have a head-shot picture of him that goes inside the urn -- it looks more like a picture frame -- so that's why I got this one.

I have his urn by a window, so it reminds me of him looking outside -- one of his favorite things to do.

Pismo, I truly miss you.................but I know that you are in a less painful place. I don't know what happens after death, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to hold you again and go nite-nite with you under the covers. Sleep with Bunny until we're together again..................

It's not any easier, it's just that the tears don't always come with the thoughts as much......

[Guest Oksana]

im very sorry for your loss. im reading your posts and my heart is in pain. i have been crying for days now i feel like i dont have any tears left. and im asking the same question how do i deal with this? the answer is not the one i want , Time. the days are going but for me time has stopped. i live in the nightmare as soon as i open my eyes in the morning i know that nothing has changed, that my kitty has gone forever and there is no tomorror for him or for us. god it hurts so bad, and dont think i was ever in so much pain. my whole life has changed and cant be the same anymore. please write more, it helps me....

[laurasc718472]

DAY 8 (Sunday evening)

It's been three days since I last wrote. It seems that I only write when I'm having trouble dealing with the loss of Pismo. Today's a bad one.

I was okay until I looked at the pictures I had taken of him in the vet's office minutes before he was gone. I thought things were getting easier. The thoughts of Pismo brought smiles instead of tears for the past couple of days, but today is another tearful day.

I guess that I had been avoiding...... I was feeling very guilty that it had only been a week and I seemed to be getting over Pismo being gone. No tears during the day. I was even brave enough to finally tell some coworkers that he had to be put down. The last they heard, he was getting chemo. They were shocked.....I only got a little misty-eyed at their reactions. I THOUGHT THINGS WERE GETTING EASIER.....not really.

A friend came over to take apart the urn to add his picture -- damn urn manufacturers, they made it so that you have to take the ashes out to put a picture in the front...... I can't handle seeing Pismo that way. Why couldn't they just have designed it easier so that you could add a picture in the front without removing the ashes -- Maybe that's an idea for a new product???

Back to the pictures -- I shouldn't have looked at the pictures on my phone. That's what made me lose it. I'm feeling so guilty for putting him down. I can't believe I did that. It goes against my belief to kill.... Yes, I did have my Pismo killed....THAT'S WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!!

I could have kept him around on pain medication. Would I have wanted that for myself? Probably not.. But I'm able to make my own deicsions; Pismo was not. What if he would have wanted just to be by my side for just a little longer. There's no way of knowing for sure. And that's hard to live with.

THE GUILT -- IT'S REALLY KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't taken a bath since Pismo's been gone. He always laid down on the rug next to the tub......ALWAYS!!! I can't take a bath without my Pismo. I guess that when I'm able to take a bath, that will be a sign that I'm okay with Pismo passing. I know that death is a part of life -- the end of it -- but it's not something that I want to deal with.

I guess that I can look at it this way.......that I'm better off having known the special kitty that he was. He touched my life in many ways and enhanced it in so many ways too. I don't know if I would even be the same person right now if Pismo had not been in my life. We were meant to meet...

I lost Pismo on the exact same day, one year later, that a dear family friend passed away from cancer. Marie, are you taking good care of my Pismo???? I loved you both. I'm glad just to have known you guys.

I think of both of you guys often. Until we meet again..........

[laurasc718472]

DAY -9

Not a very tearful day.............until now. The guilt, though, is overwhelming.

My motto is usually that things happen for the best......there's usually a shining star between all the doom and gloom......I'm searching for the bright side -- the optimistic....whatever the hell you call it.....The only way that I can justify my Pismo being gone is that for (1) I know that he had cancer. (2) I know that chemo wasn't working well with him. (3) I feel in my heart that he was much farther gone -- hmmm that makes me cry, a better way to say that, a better way so that it seems easier for me to take -- is that the cancer was much more advanced than the vet had anticipated.

I know that I would have spent every last cent to keep him here. But, I guess the reason must have been that even if I would have spent every last dime, he still would not have gotten any better and would have suffered in the meantime. That's the only way that I can justify and reason why he had to go when he did.........

No one wants to suffer -- no human, no animal! The look he gave to me that I had never seen before was his way of letting me know that it's time..........The suffering was too intense and it was time for me to let go......

I didn't think I was going to cry today. I thought I was just going to write a happy note, just to be able to show that some good days are coming. But everytime I make myself think about Pismo, it hurts....IT HURTS BAD! The pictures I keep looking at were taken in better times........times of health. When I look at those, it's hard to remember how sick he actually was.

Pismo, you know I would have done anything!!! I went way out of my comfort zone with those subcutaneous fluid injections. I hated them just as much as you did. But I wanted you to hang on. I wish you did hang on. My life would be sooooo much easier right now. Isn't that selfish........ I know, Honey Boy, that you didn't like being under that bed hiding from all the pain. I'm soooooo sorry that it had to end this way. We all want to go out easy in our sleep AND I guess that's all that I could do for you.

I love you Pismo. I still say good night to you every night. I walk over to the window every morning and see you staring out from behind the picture....

I still don't know what happens after death. I just hope that we are reunited when my time comes. I want to hold you and hear your purr again. I miss our morning rituals-------feeding and drinking out of the faucet...

I miss playing hide and seek. I miss you sneaking up on me and tapping me with your paw. I miss your laziness when I called and you just couldn't make it all the way -- some times it seemed like you wanted to meet in the middle. Sometimes, I even miss your fur on my clothes. Jenn misses you too! She said that it's hard for her. Pismo, you touched us all.........

IT SUCKS WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!

[laurasc718472]

DAY 10 -

How come the days seem easy and the nighttime sucks! I guess that I'm busy at work, and then I have to come home to a house without Pismo. I HATE IT!

Yesterday was the first day that I had really done anything constructive around the house. Chores had been piling up since he has been gone. No laundry, no dishes, no paying the bills, no nothing. Last night I made a promise that I would do something constructive. I did.

I made that promise to myself tonight too, but now it's broken. I stayed out of the house until later. Now, I'm so tired I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm so grateful for work. It's a new job, so there is much to learn. My officemate is wonderful too! Don't know what I would do without him.

I guess I am starting to see things a little brighter. Nothing seemed right before. Now, work is better. I'm starting to see the light...........

I still feel guilty. I look at the picture of my little Pismo in his urn. It kills me to think that's all that's left.........ashes!!!

I look like crap every morning because I've been crying every night...My eyes are kind of swollen and red. I just want to feel normal again. I guess I'm the only one that can do anything about it.

I have to make the decision to have the thoughts of Pismo be happy and have them bring smiles instead of tears.. It's just a little change of thought....just a little change of my reaction to a thought. Sounds pretty easy. Doesn't it.... It should be. Just react a little different. Practice makes perfect.

How about every time I think of my little Pismo, I smile. I hold back the tears, and I make every effort to smile. At some point, it's going to happen. Why can't I just decide to make it happen now instead of later. I would be much better off. Life would be easier............I guess that's part of the grieving process. The little things that seem like they should be easy, just aren't.

I'm trying to be strong. Isn't it hard though? I know Pismo wouldn't want me feeling like this. Heck, I don't want me feeling like this.

I guess I'm just waiting for ...................time! I wish there was a pill to take to alleviate this grief -- or at least put me to sleep until I could deal with it better. But I guess that's the easy way. I know by now that Life's not easy and neither is death!

All I can do is hope that tomorrow is just a little easier..........

Goodnight, Pismo......I miss you!

[laurasc718472]

Day 11-

What a crappy day........I miss my boy! I had to drive by the vet's office that put him to sleep. I had a brief panic attack afterwards.

The memories of his little head drifting down to the chair when they administered the Valium...........He was very peaceful just before they gave him the next drug. I don't even know what it was. I know that with all that Valium, he didn't care what happened next.

I stepped out of the room, while a friend from work stayed with him. I couldn't bear to watch the rest. I wanted to make sure he looked peaceful, though, so I went in and took one last look. I shouldn't have done that. Those are my last memories. The very last one is of the doctor scooping him up in the towel and carrying him into the back. I HATE THAT PLACE!!

All I could think about was that every time I had taken him in before, he always was feeling better afterwards.............I feel horrible that I put him down. The guilt is so strong.

IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL SO GUILTY??? I know that I would feel much better if he had gone on his own......Was he in enough pain to take his life? I'm questioning everything I did. Pismo, you trusted me to take care of you and I took you to end your life. I feel like I deceived him. Pismo, I'm soooooooo sorry. If I had it to do over, I can't say that I would have done it again.

I don't think I'm able to get over the guilt......I should have considered this before.

If you are reading this, don't do what I did if at all possible. What I would have done differently is kept him on pain medication and made him comfortable until nature took over.....Hindsight is 20-20!!!

THIS IS THE WORST DAY YET!!!!!!!!!!!!

I KILLED MY CAT, AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.......

This part of life sucks!

[laurasc718472]

DAY -12

Well, I'm glad that I have so many animal loving friends. They all seem to think that I did the right thing by putting him down. They say his quality of life was at a BIG ZERO.........

So maybe I did the right thing.. Well, some people would say that any decision I made was the right decision because that's how the rest of my life is going to be. I can't do anything about my choice, so there's no reason to beat up on myself for it.

I'm sure that this is the healing process that most everyone goes through. Are you going through the same kinds of thoughts?

This website has be wonderful for me. I just basically do this as a journal, it relieves a lot of tension and build up emotions surrounding Pismo. I'm glad that it is here for me to do this.

I would suggest this to everyone. It makes me feel a lot better afterwards. I sometimes feel as though I'm a manic depressive because of the way my emotions have been going. I'll be feeling great one day, happy and sure of all my decisions. Thinking I did all everything I could have done. Then, the next day, I'll be riddled with guilt, beating myself up.

I'm the only one in control of my thoughts and my reactions to my thoughts -- no one else is. I can choose to react in any way. Sometimes just letting loose and letting all those emotions out is healthy. It's actually allowing me to slowly -- I mean very slowly -- get the grief out of my system.

Looking forward to happier times ahead. It just takes time......(and I hate that answer!!!!).

[Guest Guest_Anne_*]

I wish that I could give you some logical advice on how to feel better but I am feeling so heartsick myself that I need advice too.

We took our cat into the vets yesterday to have her matting removed and the vet phoned an hour later to say that she had died on the table. She was only 7 yrs. old . She was very stressed out when we took her in. I feel so bad doing that to her. I feel so sick, all I do is cry , I can't eat or sleep. Everything in the place reminds me of her. I miss her so much. She was such a sweet cat she should have had many more years. This happened yesterday.

[laurasc718472]

Anne,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how it hurts and the pain doesn't go away.

Just know that the pain lessens, although it takes time and a VERY lot of effort to heal. Whatever you do, please don't blame yourself. There is no way you could have known what was going to happen.

It just doesn't seem fair that so many kitties live long and healthy lives and some get taken too early. The same thing happens with all living creatures.

You and your kitty are in my thoughts.

[Guest Guest]

Just reading your answer starts me crying again. I find that I can't watch T V or sit down Iseemm to have to keep pacing around the house , Koko was such a neat cat. Just a couple of memories that stand out. When she was a kitten my husband & I came home from shopping & we couldn't find her anywhere. I tried to retrace what we had been doing before we left & my husband had been looking up some papers in the filing cabinet . I have no idea how it happened ,but when I checked thats where she was. WE had a terrible time getting her out of there & I was so relieved when we finally did. That mistake never happened again. Another time she climbed to the very top of a really tall tree in our complex . She spent the night up there. I spent the night sitting on the floor watching her.In the morning the crows started diving on her . My son is a firefighter & had just gotten off shift , He climbed to the top of the tree & thank goodness got her down. She never went near that tree again & had a terrible fear of crows.

[Guest Guest_Anne_*]

Wish someone could give me some words that will help me .Idread the evenings as I know that I won't be able to sleep. I feel so stuffed up from all the crying. This is the worst that I can ever remember feeling . MIss my Koko sooo much

[Guest Guest]

im very sorry for your loss. im reading your posts and my heart is in pain. i have been crying for days now i feel like i dont have any tears left. and im asking the same question how do i deal with this? the answer is not the one i want , Time. the days are going but for me time has stopped. i live in the nightmare as soon as i open my eyes in the morning i know that nothing has changed, that my kitty has gone forever and there is no tomorror for him or for us. god it hurts so bad, and dont think i was ever in so much pain. my whole life has changed and cant be the same anymore. please write more, it helps me....

[Maylissa]

Everyone ( on this thread and others ),

While I usually try to reply to everyone in this Pet Loss forum, I'm finding I just can't bring myself to do my usual job of trying to help others through this terrible time, at least not right now, as I'm starting to grieve, in probably close anticipation, of my own fur-gal's leaving. She's not doing too well and I'll be taking her to the vet this week, just to verify ( or not ) the animal communication I just had done, where she told me I had to start accepting and letting go, of her, of all the others I've lost in the last 2 years. I can barely speak of it, my heart is so terrified, having been in the same horrible state you all are in now, after the death of her brother 6 years ago. I just can't face the pain anymore, and so I've been rather silent here.

But I do want to let you all know I understand, and if you read any of my previous posts here ( there have been many ), you will know how much I empathize, even if I can't express it right now. I'm so sorry for all of you, and for myself, too, as there's no worse grief for ME than that of having to let go of my irreplaceable furkidlets, my children, the biggest parts of my soul.

[laurasc718472]

DAY -15

How did I miss so many days? I didn't miss any thoughts of Pismo though.

Well, I went out and did it. I got two 9-week old kittens. I missed the company of my kitty and the life around the house. What's hard but also makes me smile, is the playfulness of these little innocent creatures. Even though I never had Pismo this early, they are bringing back a lot of good memories of my dear Pismo.

I remember how he used to play so hard with the little toys I brought home. I remember how tiny he actually was in the pictures that I have.

These two little kittens are so precious. I've been thinking about how I would feel to get more kitties, and finally I just went out and found them. I know I'm not replacing Pismo -- there is no replacement and never will be a replacement for him. These little kittens bring new life into my world.

These little kitties, a brother and sister, are the cutest little things. They, along with their other brothers and sisters were rescued. Their mother was a feral kitty, as most as I could get. A no-kill agency took them all in. Mom was spayed and the little kittens all found homes. I hope they are all in very good homes and doing well.

I'm usually against getting kittens because so many older cats are harder to adopt and in more need. But I haven't had a kitten since my teens -- too long ago. I'm not sure what their names are going to be, but I'm happy and sad all at the same time.

I was talking to a friend of mine today. She has a dog, and her dog is having some nasal problems. I told her about Pismo's recurrent nasal/respiratory problems and how I thought it was the cancer giving some early signs. She said that she had just been reading the same on the web. Why didn't I know this earlier? Pismo started getting these nasal problems back in July.........It wasn't until January that he had the 4-inch diameter tumor. Had the cancer been growing all this time? I feel so bad. I feel even worse that my vet didn't notice or correlate these.

I'm glad that I moved away when I did. At least the veternarian here found the cancer and gave me three glorious days with him. I'm so sorry, Pismo, if it had been the cancer all this time. I'm not going to beat up on myself. It's hard enough dealing with his loss.

I miss you my Piggy boy..... Getting these kitties is just keeping mommy company. They needed some love too!

I'm happy for the new life in my house. It doesn't seem so lonely. They are so spunky. I hope to have many wonderful happy and healthy years ahead. Just like I did with my little Pismo.

Sad and happy - all at the same time............

[Guest Guest_Anne_*]

I'm so happy for you . I'm sure your new kittens will help you with the sadness you have been going through. I'm sure Pismo is looking down from kitty cat heaven & saying "Good for you"I'm still feeling terrible & missing Koko so much. I could sure use some words of encouragement. Try & be happy

[Guest Guest_Anne_*]

Now that a couple of days have gone by,I'm getting over the shock of her dying & I feel I really need answers as to why a healthy 7 year old cat died from being groomed. I feel so hurt & so angry at the same time that this happened to Koko. I'm so happy that tomorrow I might be able to get some answers from the vet. I still can't seem to eat or sleep and the house is so strange without her. Our whole day seemed to revolve around her. I feel I let her down taking her to the vets for grooming . She would still be sitting here on my lap trying to get my attention if I hadn't done that. Thanks for listening. I hope things seem a little more worthwhile tomorrow. Right now nothing seems important other than the fact that I'll never see her again

[Maylissa]

Dear Anne,

Unlike others perhaps, I'm not going to excuse the vet, without good reason, for what happened to your dear Koko. I think you're completely within your rights to push for answers from him/her. While it may turn out to be something that was beyond anyone's control, it also might not, and as Koko's guardian, you have every right to get to the bottom of that, if you can. This is no different than having to deal with a human loved one's death which may have to do with malpractise.

However, no matter what, you ought not to be blaming yourself for the actions, or non-actions, of others, in this case, your vet. If they did something wrong, or didn't correct something that they should have, it's STILL not your doing, and even though we're responsible for our darling furbabies, if someone else makes a mistake with them, it's not our moral duty to take on that other person's responsibility, which they lacked. While the fact is that Koko would still be here otherwise, you certainly didn't take her in with the intent to have her harmed. Frankly, I have to wonder at any vet who feels they must use anesthesia or a sedative to remove matted fur, as this is not what I would consider safe practise, as any anesthetic, or sedative, carries risk to the body, even when the animal, or human, is younger. There have been enough problems associated with using drugs in order to groom animals, that I feel your vet ought to have known better. If, on the other hand, there were things you could have been doing regularly at home to avoid such matting problems, and you knew about them, then that's the only part you will have to accept your own responsibility for, and then there's nothing to do but learn from your mistakes, just like we all have to. Only you can make this determination, as to who's responsible for what, then take appropriate action, now and in the future.

[Guest Guest_Anne_*]

Koko was terrified when she went to the vets . The only way they could work on her was to give her anesthetic. She was a beautiful black long haired cat. She loved being brushed many times a day but wouldn't let me remove the matts. She had an ongoing problem of skidding on the rug . she had done this since she was very young . The Vet thought maybe she should have removed some of the folds on the sides of her vulva. At any rate ,she wanted her in every month and a half to shave her bottom . A general grooming. Koko's mother was wild and it was hard because she hadn't been socialized as a kitten. She was great with us ,but very nervous of many things. If she heard thunder she ran into the bathroom & shook & urinated in the bathtub. WE think that she was so stressed out that her little heart just stopped. I am in no way blaming the vet. I just need to know what Koko's last minutes were like. WILL THIS PAIN EVER GO AWAY

[Guest Guest]

Dear Maylissa.

Thank you for your reply, It wasn't till I was checking messages that I realized what you were going through. I'm so sorry. We lost another very close cat a number of years before we had Koko . I was so devastated at the time that it took 6 years before we finally got Koko . Mickey was 11 when we had him put to sleep & I really din't think I could ever face loosing another pet. We went to Pet Smart A number of times a week for years & When I saw Koko I just fell in love with her . My husband got her for me for my birthday.I somehow thought I would have so many years with her that I wouldn't have to face this hurt again for a very long time. Yet here we are going through the same pain again. So I know how you feel having to loose a very dear pet a second time. Good luck to you , and thank you for taking the time to write me when you are going through an obvious bad time yourself

[laurasc718472]

Anne,

There was no way that you could have known what was going to happen to Koko. I know the pain that you are in. If I would have only known..............but, you know, there is no way of ever knowing that something like this would happen.

I know you have guilt, but nothing was your fault. You were a good mommie to Koko. No one ever intends to put loved ones in harms way. I feel the same about my kitty, Pismo. I look back at how long the cancer must have been in him. If I had only known, he probably could have been treatable and had many more years. But.....the fact is, is that we're only human. I wish that we all could read that crystal ball and no when to do thing or not do things. It's just not possible.

Don't beat yourself up for anything. You were doing something that you had been doing for a while with Koko. You were the best loving mommie to her and gave her many wonderful years. Don't forget that.

I know that it takes a long time to heal from such a hurt -- I'm still hurting too. I try to look on the bright side. It's taken a while to be able to do this. Grieving is healthy, though. It's sometimes good just to let go and get it all out of your system. You have suffered a great loss. This website is very good. It helps us all get through these not so wonderful times. I'm glad that you shared and am glad that I was able to share.

There are a couple of websites that I've found. That may be helpful.

One is what emotions we go through suffering from the loss of a pet:

http://www.pet-loss.net/emotions.html

The other one is grief support writing. I know that writing and also going back to read what I have written gets the tear flowing quite a bit. It's a healthy cry and afterwards I feel better. Hope they help.

http://www.petloss.com/writing.htm

You are in my heart! I'm so sorry.

[Guest Guest_Anne_*]

Thank you so much Laura for your reply. It really does help writing about how we are feeling and how much we miss our pets. It also really helps to receive the replys. All of the messages are from such caring people. I guess thats why we are all hurting so much.

I was just sitting in the frontroom .So many things are upsetting . I keep looking for her, as does my husband. Koko always had her special spots to sleep there, and yet the minute one of us would get up to go into the kitchen,she was right in front of us. She always ended up trying to sleep on my lap but she was so big she would get back on the table after a few minutes. (coffee table in the middle of the room so she could see both of us ) I think she used to sleep with one eye open so she wouldn't miss us going anywhere.

I don't know how we are going to get along without her. I really don't