allalone

Hi, It took me a few days to come back as I just wanted to keep it together. When I come here I read many posts and half the time I take a few steps back but it genereally is very helpful because it helps me to realize something new. I appreciate your messages and empathy. It really does go a long way. I went to my brother's for Christmas and it was one of the nicest Christmas' in many years. The only thing that would have made it absolutely perfect would have been for my mom to be there. We were all relaxed because we didn't have to deal with the stepfather or the lunatic adopted sister and her son. Yesterday I visited my aunt and uncle. It was really nice seeing them. We talked about all sorts of stuff including my mom and there were a few tears, but that's only natural for me. I sure hope that you have all had the best Christmas you possibly could have and that the new year will help you in your grief journey. If someone told me a year ago I would be at this point, I wouldn't have believed them. I still do experience these desperately agonizing times, but they do get fewer between. I remind myself that my mom wouldn't want me this sad, but that doesn't always help. I have eczema right now on both my eyelids and so crying actually is difficult. I've been careful not to cry so it heals. The more I cry the worse it gets. But it will heal in time as well. Thank you once again for listening... (((HUGS)))

Hello all, I visit here and read the posts. I generally see that I've come a fair ways but tonight it feels like I've stepped back 15 months. Tonight I'm having a difficult evening. I never cared too much for Christmas (thanks to the abusive stepfather). Anyways, this morning my daugnter asked me if I would go to my mom's church with her for Xmas Eve Service. (I'll get back to this part later on)... I said I'd get back to her around supper time because I was able to pick up some furniture that had come in for me last week and I had to have a friend help. This is a special piece of furniture as it is from where my mom comes from. I couldn't pick it up last week because I found out customs wasn't open Saturday after being told by the logistics people it would be. I thought no worries, and I'd pick it up this week if possible and otherwise next Monday when I would have the time. I think my mom had a hand in this that I got it Christmas Eve. Being European decent when I was young my family always used to celebrate Christmas Eve. The last 10 years it was whenever my siblings could manage that it did not interfere with their respective spouses families. For five of those years I didn't go because my brother and I had a serious falling out (he had young children and I elected to be the odd one out rather than all four of them). I knew how much it ripped my mom's heart out that we were not talking and that our family was fragmented. The last few years we've been able to spend it together but it has been very very hard for me. The dynamics from earlier years always resulted in serious fighting so it was difficult to mingle with my family - always on edge because who knew who was going to hurl an abusive remark - generally it was almost always my stepfather towards myself or my daughter. Last Christmas it wasn't so bad because we all missed my mom so much and we were all glad we had one another because we were all suffering terribly and at long last we did not have to put up with my abusive stepfather and our adopted sister who has FAS accompanied by serious mental and drug addiction problems. My daughter has a new boyfriend, which I am glad for her, but of course she's done the falling off the face of the earth - not answering her phone or emails etc. So after a week she contacts me today - seemingly out of the blue and asks me to attend my mom's church with her. She never attends church but is a religious person. So we were starting to plan to attend the 7:00 pm service when she finds out that there is an 11:00 pm service. So you can guess what's in store... yup, she wants to go at 11:00. I've had an exhausting couple of weeks and advised her, but she expected me to attend the 11:00. I attended the 7:00 pm. So this is the really difficult part. I get to church and I sit where my mom and I always sat (I took her to church the last 4.5 months of her life). The first few moments were so terribly painful. I had tears welling up in my eyes. The service got started and there were a few things that it happened again where I had a few silent tears. But almost at the end of the service there was a version of Ava Maria sung by the choir. I was expecting the traditional one - it wasn't. It was a version that was on a CD I purchased of a boys choir of songs that I wanted to play at my mom's funeral but of course another falling out happened so I just waited until everyone was gone at her memorial and played several songs on the CD to her. She would have loved it because we both loved classical music and we would go once or twice a year to cultural events. When the pianist started with the piano I didn't recognize the tune immediately, however, when the choir began to sing it I almost started weeping in church. I took a big breath and ran for the bathroom. I could feel it coming out and I was physically stiffling the noise from my mouth with my hand while tears tumbled down over the back of my hand. In the bathroom I broke down completely. it took me a few minutes to compose myself. I had then walked back to the sanctuary. The minister was saying a prayer. I listened for a moment, but turned around and looked up towards the vaulted ceiling. I started whispering to my mom. I thanked her and God for getting the furniture to me today. I also told her how much I miss her and that I am so desperately all alone. I asked her and God to help me. I'm not a spiritual person. I think I went to church more for her than I did for me. Her church is very friendly and this one fellow was very kind to me - I think he may have recognized me from when I brought my mom to church and in the very brief conversation I found out that he too has lost a parent. This man is very tall (I believe he is at least 6'8") and he can see above everyone so I'm sure he saw that I was quite alone. Although he was with his family and I know he has lots of friends at the church, it was nice that he took the time to ask me who I was, to wish me a Merry Christmas and to invite me back to services. Even these small kindnesses make such a huge different on such difficult days. I know that some people think of me and the few friends that I have are VERY kind. It still does not take the agony of losing my mom. My heart still aches. Time has made things better but for me this season is the hardest. Christmas, and my birthday is in January and mom's birthday is in February. On Sunday I went out to her grave and brought her a candle that I picked up at the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. I lit it and talked to my mom for about five minutes. That was all I could stand in -45C. There are days when it would be nice to have a medicine to take the torment of grief away. I know I will have this for many years to come. I do know it will get easier as time marches on, it's just the few days in each year that I feel ripped back to the months after my mom first died. There are days when you think how many years will it take for the pain to lessen to a bareable extent. I know it will never go away, but I know it will lessen. I can talk with strangers about my mom - but I still can't talk to family about my mom I break down in tears. Despite all my moaning, I do want to send my best for the holidays to all of you and I sincerely hope that your grieving will be short and you heal quickly, but your memories of your loved one will last your life long. (((HUGS)))

Dear Eleanor, In reading your message, it was like I wrote it myself. I also experience the inside screaming. I've tried screaming and it just isn't right somehow. I can't necessarily articulate it very well, but I think it has to do something with being numb and that release doesn't happen in that state. For me, I would take hot baths and weep. It's been 1.5 years since I lost my dearest mother and our relationship sounded similar. We talked to each other daily, some people thought it was weird, but although she was married she was very much alone and as for me, I was just by myself. My mom died in her home. She didn't want to come to live with any of us in her final days. She saw that the house she lived in was her home, despite there not being any love there except for when we (her natural children) were there. I can appreciate the caring you provided for your mother and I'm sure if she could she would tell you that she went to your house specifically because she knew and trusted that you would give her the best of care because of the special relationship you two shared. I felt a great deal of anger too. Not only for my mom leaving me, but just that the situation was so awful and she never really enjoyed life. I was the luckiest one out of us because my mother and I went on a trip five years ago and we had the time of our lives. It is something I'll never forget and to see her happy like that was the best present in my entire life. I think everyone directs their anger differently. You want to be angry at someone, but you konw that it isn't going to alleviate it. The thing is no matter what, it just doesn't bring back our mothers. I don't know if the biggest part of our anger is because we are just so helpless in so many ways. We can't stop their death, we can't stop the pain, we can't cope with being without our precious loved one. Maybe anger is easier to deal with than losing our minds because we can't cope inside with the loss. We are numb, but our minds still tell us that things aren't right. If I could offer you a huge hug where you could just cry as much as you needed and I would tell you that it's ok to cry, to be mad and sad and all the emotions that you're going through. As much as I need someone to do this for me, the worst part is subsiding for me. I am grateful for that and when I feel sad I come here and read emails and sometimes post things of my own if I really feel low. It is an incredible group here. Tons of caring people and I think our loved ones would be happy that we are finding comfort from others. Probably our loved ones who have passed would also say many of the things that we post here. I hope you are able to find comfort and a safe place here. (((HUGS)))

thank you for the replies. I've had a really tough week and I couldn't bear to sign in until tonight. Work has been tough and I've just felt a very heightened sense of anxiety most of the week. To come here I probably would have completely broke down and I'm trying to keep things together. It was about this time two years ago that my mom started showing the symptoms of her cancer. She went to the doctor and went for a couple tests, but the physician wanted to send her for about 20 tests and my mom was old school not to go for more than what was necessary so the doctor said she wouldn't treat her and referred her to another physician. My mom never went... My daughter was in the hospital this week and the thought of potentially losing her crossed my mind. I couldn't bear that. I don't know what my daughter will do when I pass. I hate to think that she will be all alone. I should have had more children.

Hello all, I know it's been a while since I've visited. I guess I am getting better in several respects. I still think of my mom everyday, but most of the tears are gone...except for this week. Out of no where I'll be thinking of my mom and I get so caught up in my thoughts that before I know it tears have been streaming down my face. Unfortunately this has been happening in public places - on the bus, walking to places, even shopping. Yesterday I saw a woman on the bus that wore a coat similar to what my mom used to wear. Same colour too. I thought of us going to church together, I thought of her coat, that it was in someone else's closet (stepfather got rid of everything without even asking if we wanted any momentos). I'll be going to her grave tomorrow. I ab bringing a special candle to her grave - I got it while I was on holidays. I went to churches and in every church I was lighting at least one candle for her. I got one from a famous cathedral and I am going to put it on her headstone. I'll bring some extra tea candles and a lighter for each time I go. I must say though I don't know if I am the only one to have this strange reaction, but these places where someone perishes in a road accident and then people tape flowers, teddy bears etc. are starting to disturb me quite a bit. Is this a strange thing or does anyone else here dislike those roadside memorials?

Hi Elaine, I'm sorry to hear that things ended up the way they have. I think one thing you may want to remember is that what goes around comes around. Sooner or later, your ex will get what is coming to him. Your son, family and others will come around and some may take longer than others. Likely they are mad because you have moved away and you're not there for them to kick around and do the things you used to for your family. You likely did something unpredicable for them so you're not still in that little box that they pigeon-holed you into. I think with your father and your son, it would be a nice thing to write them a letter saying nothing about your ex or the situation you left, but rather be very positive and say that you miss them and hope that one day things will be better to a point where they will accept you back into their lives with love and happiness. What can they say to you saying that you and your daughter and partner are doing well and that all you miss them. The worst that can happen is that they return the letter. It sounds like things tend to be volitile when there is a conversation, perhaps a different mode of expression is needed to start the healing? I hope something good will happen for you.

Hi Casey, I'd like to reach out and hug you just like leeann has. Reading through what your mom went through was no doubt the hardest thing you ever had to or ever will have to experience. I think its more than ok to take all the time you need and definitely do go through the grieving process at your pace. My mother passed July 2007 of cancer and in the first few days I was numb. I didn't want to go to the funeral and in fact my mom did not want us to cry so at the funeral I did not. But I've done loads and loads of crying since. I'm still grieving. It sounds like you are in your late teens or early 20s and I hope that your dad or grandparents are also trying to help you through some of this. If you're unable to talk to any of them about things from time to time it is worth going to counselling. Many colleges do offer free student counselling and even though your stress is in relation to grieving, it does impact your school and maybe they can help you to cope. You are incredible because I could not go to school and grieve at the same time. I hope that somehow we can all help you. I know how alone you must feel as my mom was my best friend too and I feel quite desolate with her no longer here. But there is hope. I have slowly been getting better and things are bearable and they will be for you too. Right now it is important for you to have the tears, to just go through the motions as this does help keep you from a profound depression and it will bring you back to where things are no longer heartbreaking every moment of every day - and so you can live again. I had many ups and downs in the first year - and it's hard to believe it's over a year since my mom passed. The raw yet numb stage I felt lasted for a few months at least. (((HUGS)))

Urzzle, I know what you mean about birthday celebrations. Those born in December/January normally don't have birthdays the same way as other people born throughout the year. Birthdays became important to me because I saw my siblings get celebrated with their friends, but mine weren't because it was always the middle of winter and very very cold. My mom was a very private person so to have other kids in the house, wasn't something she handled well. I think Mary Linda's suggestion of an unbirthday or picking another day of the year as your birthday is a very good suggestion. If you pick a day that has been special to you for some reason it would be a step to slowly reclaiming your birthday over the years as your own. The fact that other birthdays are celebrated and the dec/jan birthdays always are an inconvenience due to funds or other reasons is just unacceptable. But I say make it happen for yourself. Have a day where you tell all your friends let's get together. Bring a big cake and say today we're celebrating my birthday - even if it is July 1. Nice weather, people are generally around and available and want to go outside. If you feel shy about making the day your own, you can even say it's a friend's day and confide in your best friend that perhaps s/he could make it into a party without letting the others know it's your idea. I know how it can be when you get cut off from counselling. You may want to inquire at your local library or on the internet in your area if there are any grief counselling sessions that are free. In my city the Jewish offer grief counselling. It is free. I haven't gone to it, but have thought to go. I went to one session and it was too soon after my mom's death. One of the best places to inquire is with the cancer society of your region because often they have associations with grief groups. take care (((HUGS)))

(((HUGS))) pman,I feel somewhat intrigued by your saying that by liquidating all his possessions that it would get things in order. I suppose in the business sense yes, but it sort of sounds like the business of your dad's estate and your mourning are directly related. I think how we mourn and the business aspects of an estate may be easier to deal with if we can see them independently. I can understand that the executorship would be daily reminder and could be overwhelming. Do you think you could maybe rationalize that they are independent? Right now you need to mourn and the extra responsibilities are taking away from the time you need to take care of yourself and properly mourn. Perhaps what you could do is liquidate some of it and then use those funds to put some of the things etc. in a storage locker until you feel better to deal with these things. This may not be possible, but if it is, maybe you may want to look at potential other solutions like this. Perhaps even involve your brother if you can. If you do trust your brother, then this may be something that the both of you can do together and it may help both of you. You may just be surprised with your brother and he may step up to the plate if you ask him. My siblings and I are very different people but the one thing we could agree on to a very high degree was what was best for our mother and what she probably would have wanted. I do hope things get better and you can accomplish baby steps. Are you able to take a week off from work and go for a bit of grief counselling and also just have some "me" time? I know when I was in that space definitely that helped. Also you could even see your family doctor. I hate to compare grieving to any sort of physical ailment, but if we had a cold or an infection of some sort and it was not getting better after an extended period of time, we would see a doctor to see if there would be a therapy either medication or otherwise to heal what troubles us. I believe that there are medications as well as counselling and other methods that can help in our grieving process. I'm not saying that it will heal one's heart or head from the pain of losing our loved one, but it can offer some much needed strength over the very worst part when we are having troubles. I'm not a doctor, but I have benefitted from prescription medications as well as other therapies, such as counselling etc. But what may work for me may not work for others. But it is work a try if it can help you through the toughest parts. I hope you will feel better and you will feel like a human being again soon. (((HUGS)))

Hi, I'm wondering if you still have access to that publication. I am very good at finding things on line, but I'm wondering if you could tell me who the publisher is. I've found many publications with similar names, and I know here after a few months, the back issues are available...I'd be very interested in reading that article. Thanks

I think somewhere between 6 - 9 months the shock begins to wear off and we start feeling things again. We miss our loved ones beyond what words can express. I find I get really upset when I talk to my aunts and uncles. I think this is because you remember your parents with them and you almost expect to see your parent(s) and then also there are discussions about them too. Other things that maybe part of the missing is that we are heading into another season. The seasons here and the leaves have already turned and are now falling. Things are starting to die here and it's only this week that I've been able to go out in the yard and start to put it to bed. It reminds me of the flowers I shared with my mom and also put on my parent's gravesite. Honestly, if I thought of it in terms of how other people die, I just can't. I think I'd break down. I still at times have to think that my mom is just away and I can't call her. I know intellectually she has passed on, but still on an emotional level I need to shield my heart. I can only take it little bit by little bit. If I don't, then I just wouldn't be able to cope. There are thigns that I am not coping with well, but I just cannot go into a vegetative state because my mom wouldn't want that. I have a feeling also that with all the bad news in terms of the economy and natural disasters, this is a time where we look for re-assurance and our moms who are the best at reassuring us when times get hard aren't here. I ma lucky that I live in a rich province and we are not feeling it so badly as other places. But I still feel a little insecure about the future. So much about recessions/depressions - so much about we as people destroying the world. Then all the horrible things you hear on the news. In the last six weeks I've stopped watching tv and actually my moods are better because I'm not exposing myself to the murders and other deaths that I hear about. Of course it acts as a trigger in thinking about my mom. Last weekend was hard. My uncle overseas is about to pass. I'm not sure if he has passed or not. I was quite upset. I didn't know him well, but I still feel upset. I visited an aunt and uncle here and it's hard to see them because each time I see them they are declining in health. I know in the next 10 years there will be several deaths. The strange thing is that both my parents have passed, but all my aunts and uncles here are still alive. Every death reminds me that I'm alone now. I have my daughter, but it is different in that I have no parents and because my parents immigrated here there is very little family here. My siblings and I have busy lives and are also very different people...

(((HUGS))) Deb, I feel exactly as you do. Just one more day. I understand the guilt thing a great deal. I honestly believe it was how our parent's generation were raised and how society and religion in general kept order. Nowadays kids don't feel any guilt or shame. You just have to look in a daily paper to see that. But you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty of. I was the only one strong enough to lift my mom on her own and do it in a way that she would feel the least amount of pain. She liked things to be done fairly quickly if possible. In the end turning her in bed strained my back badly and it still hasn't healed, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. Anything for my mom. I felt guilty because at one point I thought I don't know how many more times I can turn her as we were turning her every four to six hours as recommended and we noticed her breathing would get easier for a while and she looked far more comfortable even though she was at that point comatose. But the images of mom struggling to breathe at the end are burned into my mind. If I could have taken the pain, fear and struggle upon myself I would have done that gladly. One thing is that most people want to take on the responsibility and sometimes it is past their abilities. Don't feel bad about making a judgement call that was necessary. It was likely that your brother and S-I-L felt a sense of relief but probably also felt guilty to admit it. Sometimes depending on the situation a convalescent home is the ideal situation because they have all the equipment and man-power to assist in helping the person get better. I have also learned the very hard way that the person who has passed has responsibility too. The individual in the situation must make it clear to the family that it is ok to go in a hospice or convalescent home if it gets to be too much. I keep on thinking if it were me, would I want my daughter to feel guilty if I was past a point of recovery and it was hard on her? Of course not. I would want her to see me as much as she possibly can and that we have our tears and good-byes, etc. In certain cases too, if a person hasn't had good habits throughout their lives or gone to see a doctor when there has been a known problem over a long period of time, this causes unnecessary anguish for the rest of the family. (((DEB))) I know exactly how you're feeling. I feel so many emotions and question why I am so sensitive, and why it is taking me so much longer than everyone else to get over things. One of my biggest worries is that deep down I don't know if I'm going to make it through. One of my neighbours had lost a daughter, son in law and grandchild in a terrible car crash. Within two years it had eaten away at him so badly that he ended up with cancer and died. Sometimes I wonder if I am so heartbroken that something similar will happen to me. The heartache is sometimes so bad you feel like you want to die so it won't hurt anymore. Maybe I'm the only one who feels the last bit and this is one of the hardest things I've actually admitted. I keep on thinking if certain things will happen in my life then perhaps I will feel better. I've made a positive move in one direction but there are a few other directions that I know would make my life much better. It's such hard work and then I think to myself - how do our parents go on after they've lost not only their parents but their spouse etc. Probably more than I should think or talk about for now.

I don't know if my mom is trying to send me a sign or not, but I subscribe to a few different word a day emails. One is in my mom's native tongue. The weird thing is that today from all the ones that could have been the word for today in native tongue was her last name. (She remarried) And the other one that I received in English was usurp: to seize and hold by force or without right. I am probably reading way to much into this as a sign because I'm not so much of a believer in signs for the most part. But the thing is that it could also apply to the situation she had with her husband too. I am feeling better today, but it is normally on the weekends when I feel very alone that I think of what my mom had said and I try to rationalize it. I honestly do know that the words she said when she initially took ill, she didn't mean it and I know she was in a great deal of pain and just wanted to be left alone. I just couldn't leave her alone in the hospital suffering like others did. I just feel so lost without her. I know I shouldn't depend on anyone like that. I have felt that aside from my daughter she is the only person who has ever truly loved me. But because of the type of person my mom was, never breaking a vow, that was why she stayed in her marriage despite many things that we talked about and trying to leave several times. She also felt she would be a burden, but she should have known that she never would have been. She showed all the classic signs of long-term abuse and a couple years ago we suspected that she may have even been physically abused because she started showing up with these bruises, saying she tripped. I knew it wasn't her tripping as the one story was really far fetched. I just don't know how people are able to go on after a person who is so close dies. I still think of my mom every day. I can't imagine not. But the feeling that I get some days that I need to phone her. Last Wednesday I broke down because for some reason I thought Oh, I haven't done this for a while, I should phone mom and see if she needs my help with this. Needless to say I broke down and sobbed for a good 30 minutes. The only thing that really helps me is that I know she is in peace now and I know she would want me to do things to help myself and not be sad. I do things to help myself, but no matter what deep down I feel unconsolable. I'm sorry, I think I'm babbling because I'm tired and under the weather. thank you so much for your kind words and suggestions. This is always a warm fuzzy place when I just don't know what to do with myself.

The last couple weekends have been pretty rough for me. I'm not quite sure why as there are no special dates around this time that are associated with my mom. I had a dream where she was in it briefly and it was so nice to see her but of course I woke up and tears were in my eyes. Perhaps it is that I'm coming out of the stage where I have been living day to day pretending yet knowing she has passed. But there are times when I think about something and remember that she has passed and it's almost like inside there is something that feels on the verge of snapping. It is only for a few seconds, because I know my mom would never want me to have a breakdown. I miss her so bad my heart aches. There have been some things that I have been doing that my mom would have been glad that I've done, but still I'm a long way from being where I would like things to be and I know where she would like things to be. My daughter and I are speaking less and less lately. I think we're just in different mindsets completely. I'm sure I'm a downer for her, but she is also one angry person. Lately I am trying to deal with things my mom said to me when she first took ill. I know it was only anger speaking and I think some of the things she said was really meant only to try to put a little distance so it wouldn't be so hard when she passed. We both knew the news wasn't good, but it was easier for her to say these things than to hold me close to say how much she loved me, how proud she was of me or how she would miss me. I don't think she had the energy to see my emotions and I am an emotional person, but the more times that goes by the more devestated I feel. She denied that she was even terminally ill until the last few weeks. She never really said good-bye so I stuggle with this too. She was a wonderful mother, but she came from a generation who couldn't vocalize anything. What I wouldn't give to hear her tell me that I'm sick and no matter what things I may say, just know that I love you and I'll always be with you. Let me go where I can be in peace because I can't live the way I have been anymore. I know she never could have said this, but oh how I need to hear that right now. I know deep in my heart she was just lashing out because she was scared to be in the hospital and how could this happen to her when she took good care of herself. I know all of this really is nothing more but a pity party that I am having for myself. I know I need to be glad for having my mom as long as I did and that she was such a strong person and taught me well. She was my best friend. I'll never get over this...I know it will get better, but I will never get over that my mom is not with me anymore.

Hi Shauna I read your first post in this thread and I was going to reply to say something that I thought was important, but in your second post you wrote the following: I think the thing here is you love your mom very much and I know she loved you dearly. I think you would have to agree that she wouldn't want you to be so incapacitated by grief. I cannot think of any of our loved ones who we are completely bereft over would want to see us in misery. This fact has helped me get to a bit better place. I am concerned that you are becoming more depressed and that your grief is not getting any better. Have you seen a doctor and thought of seeking if there is anything that they can recommend? Perhaps a free greiving group, perhaps some medication over a temporary period of time that you would be able to over come one or two barriers. I have had to do this and there is absolutely no shame in looking for help in whatever form it comes in. I come to this group and everyone here is incredible, but we are not there in person over the toughest times where we can't even get out of bed to write a post when things are the very worst. This is where attending a grief group in person where someone could actually physically touch your arm or hold your hand while you cried; temporarily taking some medication could give your emotions a bit of a breather to heal. We think nothing of taking an aspirin or other medications to assist us with other ailments. For me, I weaned off my medication as I had some other side-effect and my doctor could see I was still having a lot of problems with my grief and prescribed me something different to help me that I don't get profoundly depressed. I had problems when I was young with profound depression. I view anti-depressants and the like similar to any other medication but on a longer term. You sound so sad and I want to let you know that we are all thinking of you and that if you can take one of these steps perhaps things can get better for you. It's not going to make you forget about your mom or erase things that have happened, but it will help you to get to the place where your mom would like to see you.