My Mom died 2 weeks ago today. I was not there but my Dad called me at 5:41 AM to tell me he found my Mom on the floor and that they were transporting her to the hospital. She died less than 5 hours later and I was 5 minutes late getting to her before she finally passed away. I keep reliving the last time I saw her in my head. My family spent Thanksgiving day and I even stayed the night (which I rarely do)with my Mom and Dad. I am trying to keep every detail in my brain to file away and have. I can still see my Mom Friday morning in her kitchen with a cup of coffee and she just finished fixing herself some toast. My girls dancing around the kitchen and her aksing them if they wanted orange juice. She had purple scrubs on with a patterned shirt getting ready to leave for work to see patients at the hospice facility she worked at. How was I to know that exactly one week after Thanksgivng I would be back up to my parents planning my Mom's funeral and the next day (Friday) a week after the morning breakfast in the kitchen my Mom would be cremated. I cry a lot alone. Sometimes an outright ugly cry and sometimes my eyes just well up with tears. My husband who rarely cries and has yet to lose a parent said to me on the way home the night my Mom died, "Are you going to be like this forever?" I didn't want to fight about it...but he grieves differently than I do. I know he loves me, I know he loved my Mom...he did cry but he is different than me. I think he was just thinking about him and thought I would be crazy or something. I just don't want to be anyone's "downer" this Christmas season. I have 2 daughters 9 and 6 and I have yet to put up Christmas decorations. I am just having a difficult time sorting through my loss, my grief. I loved my Mom, I still do of course. I am just getting by right now and I hate that this happened.
