LoriW

Walt C's son, My prayers for your Dad...he has offered some great advice to me for my own Dad after my Mom died. I hope he is well soon!

Charlie and all of you missing those you loved so much, I wish you all warm hugs. I have not lost a spouse but I lost my Mom very suddenly on Nov. 30, 2005....just a little over 7 months ago. I visit your forum often and admire your courage and stregnth and I believe each of your beloved would be proud of you! I come here in hopes of how to help my own Father who lost his one true love, my Mother. Just kids when they married and yet not old when she left this world. I try to find things he may be feeling and how he may be handling this magnificent loss. I ask him but I don't know if I get his true feelings, as if he doesn't want to upset me. I write because my Mother's birthday is this Saturday. Our first without her actually being here. My Dad will not have her to be with on her special day....the first in over 45 years. My heart hurts for him and me....because I miss them together. Sometimes I feel things are getting to a new "normal" and then I see him without her and it's as if I feel his lonliness....his other half gone....However, I know my loss is no where near his...but...I cry for him too. I miss her...I get upset that I go to the cemetery now on special occasions....I will go Saturday, what would be my Mom's 63rd birthday and put a balloon around the pretty purple silk flowers I put there just 2 weeks ago. Then I will drive to my Dad's and go to mass with him in her memory...maybe just being with him will help me...and help him. I hope you don't find me intruding into your space....I just want to say that I have learned a lot from you all....about love, loss, commitment and longing. I wish you well...I still plan on visiting now and then.

shubom, I know how you are feeling. My Mom has been gone 7 months tomorrow and my birthday hit 3 months after her death. I turned 40. However, I did have a nice day...it was the anticipation of a really cruddy day that made the days and weeks leading up to it so anxiety ridden. I cried for me. She was always the one to call me FIRST. That call never came...but, I relived in my mind so many special birthdays with my Mom. What she did for me on those days...the phone calls...the favorite meals...cakes...parties, and it made me smile because I knew in my heart that I had a love from her that time is never going to take away from me. I will be thinking of you in the coming weeks and hope you are able to feel "okay" about your day. I too and dealing with some anxiety over my Mom's upcoming birthday in a week....the first we will not share either by phone call or get together. Lori

Vero, You need to take your time in your grief. I am just over 6 months since my Mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I miss her dearly but am in a much better place than 3 months after her death. Here we are nearing 7 months since her passing and my Dad has donated some of her clothes to charities but the sentimental items...the things that my Mom collected are there still, we are all not ready to go through it and that's okay. I do go up to see my Dad and it has been hard, especially the first visit after she died. I broke down. It has gotten easier but that house is "hers" and although it makes me miss her so much to see "her" things it also brings me comfort to know her touches are still left behind. You must be good to yourself. Let yourself feel the loss...I have cried an ocean of tears and today I became misty eyed just thinking of my Mom while driving to work. I have found keeping a journal has helped me so much. It's not for anyone else to read but for me to get my feelings out on paper. I have never lost anyone I have loved so much until I lost my Mom. I know I made people mad when I declined invitations to Christmas dinner and Easter (my Mom's own sister)but I did what I had to do in order to get through those first holidays without my Mom. I am sorry for your loss...I know, it is so hard and we miss them so much.

I still have my Dad, my Mom is the person I recently lost and I just had my 1st Mother's Day without her. I just want to let those of you who have lost a Dad, recent or a long time ago, know I am thinking of you. I will hug my Dad extra tight on Father's Day in honor of your lost Fathers.

My Mom died 6 months ago today. In the past 6 months I have felt a sadness I have never known before in my life. I have been through Christmas, New Years, my birthday, Easter and Mother's Day for the first time without my Mom. I have thoughts of her at least a dozen times each and every day, but there are more smiles now than tears. I have had to be there for my Dad and in a way I grieve for him too. I have taken with me all of my Mom's valuable lessons she taught me along the way and I feel more grown up since November 30th. In the next 6 months I have more mountains to climb...her birthday in July, my parent's anniversary in September, Thanksgiving in November and the 1 year mark of her death on November 30th. I guess I am just reflecting and I am feeling okay. I miss my Mom so much but I cherish each special memory that comes to mind out of the blue and relive time spent together in my mind or with my daughters. 6 months....such a short time ago and yet it feels like I haven't seen her for forever.

Mary Beth, My Grandpa...born in 1918 was born in Cherry, IL. He is buried in the Cherry cemetery. I know exactly what you are talking about...the Cherry mine disaster. My Grandma was born in 1923 and her brother 1924. Several of my relatives also worked in the mines too! Yes, I remember the Red Door. Tasty food. When i go see my Grandma I like to go to The Igloo on route 6 for pork tenderloin sandwiches.

Mary Beth, WOW! This is a small world. Not only was my Mom and her sisters born in Spring Valley but my Dad's Dad was as well. My Dad's grandfather immigrated here from Ireland and they lived in Hall township back in the 1850's...which is Bureau County. I believe he is buried somewhere in the Spring Valley area too. My Gramma was born in Mark, IL which is in Putnam coutny. I belive that was predominately Italian. It is a tiny town. Have you ever heard of that one? Lori

Mary Beth, that is so wonderful that you are volunteering and that you are going through a different portion of the grief process. I too, feel the same way. I have gone through my frist Christmas, Easter, my birthday and now Mother's Day without my Mom for the first time. My grief is not as it was at the beginning of this journey. I don't cry all the time....I haven't cried today....I don't know maybe it's my kids that keep me so busy. I think of my Mom every day....my mind finds my way back to her at certain times of the day just like as if I were looking for my Mommy when I was little. But-----my grief is differnt. I miss her more than words can ever express but I choose to live...as she would want me to. My Mom would not want me to be sad all the time. She would want me to rejoice in her life celebrate the woman and mother she was. I try and do that for my own daughters. Today, I went to my Junior Girl Scout meeting for my oldest daughter...my Mom was my Girl Scout leader and I continue on. I remember the great times and smile, don't get me wrong, I have my "moments" too but my Mom is in my spirit now, she is like an extra voice...strong and determined. I have taken her wisdom and knowledge with me when she passed. She is forever in my heart. I know exactly what you mean. Lori

I have loved reading about everyone's Moms. I send my sympathies to each of you. Mary Beth My Mom was born in Spring Valley, IL and was raised in the nearby town of Peru/LaSalle right on the Illinois River. My Dad was born and raised in Ottawa, IL about 15 east of where my Mom is from also on the Illinois. My Grandma still lives in Peru and I have many more relatives through central and northern Illinois. Where in Illinois are you from/live? Lori

My Mom. What can I say, she was the single most influential woman if not person in my life. She grew up in a small town in Illinois, the oldest of 3 daughters. She was tall and must have been that way since a child because she said she always stood out for that reason. She married my Dad at the tender age of 18 (against her parents wishes) in 1961 and the two soon left Illinois for Arizona. My Mom came to Phoenix with my Dad because her Italian born grandparents resided there and they wanted a new and fresh start. Mom and Dad first rented a tiny house in north Phoenix back then. I imagine they wanted children shortly after their move to Arizona but that was not be be. They struggled with infertility and I am sure after much consideration they turned to adoption...they wanted to be parents. I became my Mom's first child. I have the honor of the first to call her "Mom" but not too long after me came a son and then nearly 3 years after him another son. Her family was now complete! My Mom was a compassionate, strong wonderful woman. She was a Mom who ran Brownie troops, soap box derby races, arranged school carpools and kept Little League scores in 110 degree heat. Along with being a wife. She enjoyed her family, her friends and had a deep faith in God rooted in from her Catholic upbrining. She was always there for a friend in need to talk, a neighbor boy who needed a basketball uniform hemmed, her grandparents who needed their mail translated into Italian. I can never recall a time my Mom was not there for me as well. She sometimes was there more than I wanted, especially as a teen! She was at every home game, every school event, she rushed me to the ER when I broke my leg as a child. She showed me how to play so many board games and card games---a favorite past time for her, and she dried my tears. My Mom always enjoyed a visit with a friend, drinking a cup of warm coffee and just chatting at the kitchen table. She loved to dabble in crafts and ceramics. She crocheted so many special blankets and loved the morning crosswords and word find puzzles in the morning paper. She was an extremely dedicated nurse who cared for so many during her life. She graduated with a nursing degree when she was 34 years old. She worked for many years on an orthopedic floor of a local hospital and then spent many more years at various nursing homes. Just a little over 3 weeks before her death she began a new job with hospice in the town shere she and my Dad moved to 10 years ago. She loved it. She comforted her patients and family with gentleness and compassion. On Thanksgiving she drove me over to her new office. She was so happy. My Mom was a great nurse....I know, I was one of her longest returning patients. As an adult I had grown to have a deeper respect for my Mom. Especially after the birth of my own daughters. It was then I realized, like an epiphany, the love my Mom has always had for me. I could now understand why she did things a certain way. I wateched her care for each of her newborn granddaughters with gentleness, care and pride. She tended after me as well making sure I slept and was doing okay. Both times she left I cried like a baby myself, even though she was just an hour away. 30-something years old and I still needed my Mom! Fast forward to 2005...I got to spend a week with her and my Dad with my daughters in Illinois. Their old stomping grounds. We laughed, takled, played cards and joked. That trip has now become a treasure in my mind. In August 2005 my husband lost his much loved grandfather. As soon as I found out I called my Mom....to let her know and for advice on how to break the news to my 9 and 6 year old daughters. He passed away suddenly of cardiac arrest. My Mom said, "He must have been a good one...because he went quickly." When our family went to Texas for the funeral my girls started to cry over the loss of their great grandfather adn then the beautiful spray of flowers sent by my parents. I am sure it was my Mom who ordered them. Thanksgiving 2005 we were going to spend in Texas with my husband's father who was tying up loose ends from his Dad's estate, but my husband's job did not permit and we spent an unconventional Thanksgiving with my parents. My Mom made an Italian dish called "pasta frita" rather than the traditional turkey and fixings at her youngest sisters request. I remember the majority of that day so vividly. We ate, played Bunco, sat outside and chatted and my Mom even spoke to my youngest brother who has been somewhat estranged from us for over 5 years. I spent the night that night...something I rarely did...I am glad I did. I woke to hear my Mom in the kitchen chatting and laughing with her granddaughters. She fixed them toast and cereal. I got up and she made me toast too. She was dressed in purple scrubs for work, stethescope in her pocket. She kissed me goodbye that morning and we said I love you and that's the end. My Mom----my world, my caretaker, my confidant, my role model, my first soft place to fall. The woman I had know for nearly 40 years died 5 days later. Suddenly and unexpectedly and I recall her words that she told me just over 3 months prior about my husband's grandpa. My Mom was a "good one". We buried my Mom just over a week ago, on May 3rd. I will go there on Sunday and place upon her grave some bright and happy daisies because that's what she was. She was my Mom--a great one and I aspire to be that kind of a Mom to my own daughters. I love her and miss her more than words can ever show. She was a good Mom. Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Kathy, Thank you so much for your response. I feel less confused since last Wednesday. The burial day was not as bad as the funeral which was in December and just days after her death but there was finality there. No more going to my parents' home and having my Mom's ashes there. My Dad broke my heart when he said that the trip to Phoenix would be their last one together. They live in a small town in the mountains. I can only begin to imagine his loneliness. Anyway, thank you, I am better. Don't get me wrong...I have my moments but I have sweet...sweet remembrances of my Mom. I keep them close...tell my girls stories about her with them when they were babies or stuff she did when I was a little girl. I am trying to keep her as my stregnth now because she was so strong. I miss her beyond what I can even express.

Ell, Thank you so much for your kind response. I got through today. I am feeling a sense of relief this evening and much less anxious. The ceremony was short and intimate and I was sad. But....I am okay....the way my wonderful Mom would want me to be. Once again, THANK YOU.

My Mom died on 11/30/05. She wanted to be cremated and she was. Her memorial service was on December 3rd. After the memorial my Dad took her remains back to their home. My Moms remains have been sitting in the front entry way of their house next to her picture since that day. My Dad was a little unsure what to do with them....he finally made the decision to have her remains buried. Both my Mom and Dad purchased plots many years ago. The burial of my Mom's remains is tomorrow. Since last Friday I feel like I have been confused all over again. You know, the confusion you have right after you lose a loved one. I am finding myself forgetting things, misplacing things just doing stupid stuff. I feel edgier than normal. In some ways I do not look forward to tomorrow. I know my Dad needs to do this and for us...it does need to be done...but I don't want to cry in front of people all over again. I feel like some will say it's been 5 months now and I shouldn't cry, but just thinking about tomorrow makes my eyes well with tears. I miss my Mom so...so much. Tomorrow is just drudging up feelings from 5 months ago all over again. I am just feeling sad.

Thank you Kathy and thank you Shell. I know I have to do what's best for me right now. I guess there is the "guilt" factor they throw at me. Kathy, I think you're right...they think things would be good if I am around them...but this year, right now....home is where I want to be with my girls and my husband. I would have had my Dad had he not had to work. Again, thank you both....working through all this can be tiresome and a struggle.

I lost my Mom suddenly 4 months ago. Since then life has changed drastically, of course. Yesterday was Easter and I really had a bad day. My family...meaning my Mom's youngest sister and my grandmother and some others really put undue stress on me and it hurts. My Mom's youngest sister wanted to have me, my husband and girls for Easter along with my Dad (who live 90 miles away). My Dad could not come because he had to work and I really wanted a quiet time at home with my family...No big celebration, just a quiet Easter. I thanked my Aunt for the invite but declined and left this on her answering machine. She proceeded to call me and leave me messages....about 8 of them in a 24 hour period. I finally talk to her and just told her we were staying home. I thought that was fine and there would be no problem. Yesterday, my Mom's other sister called. They live in another state. She had my Grandma (my Mom's Mom) and my cousin, uncle and brother and family over. I spoke with my Aunt and had a nice conversation. I asked about my Grandma. I began speaking with her and then she asks me why I didn't go to my Aunt's home for Easter. I told her I didn't want to...I wanted Easter at home. She was then very short with me and I said goodbye and hung up. My brother later called to find out what went on. I know this is long..but I didn't want to celebrate yesterday. I missed my Mom yesterday. I missed my usual Easter with her. My Aunts and my Grandma and everyone else are grieving but I didn't want to do what they wanted me to do and I am the one to be feeling guilty. I am a 40 year old woman with my own family and I should celebrate any holiday the way I want to. I don't understand why they could not just respect my wishes. My Aunt who lives near me is NEVER going to replace my Mom...she is never going to be my children's Grandma. I just had a really bad day yesterday....does anyone else feel this pressure from surviving family members?

Jae, I am sorry for your loss. It's painful and it's hard. I lost my Mom on 11/30/2005, very suddenly to cardiac arrest. I tried to get to the hospital before she passed away but I missed it by mere minutes. However, I too,still see her laying in the bed....tubes and wires coming off of her body. My father and my husband (who was near their home doing work) standing in the corner teary eyed. My Dad's words echo in my mind at times "She's gone, Lori...she went to heaven." I went to my Mom....and like you I felt like a child again. Lost and afraid...afraid of not having my Mom. I said, "I love you Mom...you were a good Mama." I haven't used that term "Mama" since I was a little girl. I was 39 years old and I was reduced to feeling lost and unsure of myself over the loss of the most influential woman in my life. Jae, I am a little over 4 months into this grief journey. At times things are better. I too have a husband who asked me what's wrong when I am crying. I think part of their fear is to see us so upset. They know we should be and are but maybe our sadness makes them afraid for us and themselves? I don't know. Days have gotten better but I do know that I cry every day...mostly I get teary eyed in a fond thought or my mind finds it's way back to that dreadful day of her passing. I remember that day with such detail...it's almost like a movie that plays in my head. Mostly I grieve alone and it's when I know I am alone. In these past months I have felt, angry, sad, alone and afraid. At first, my forgetfulness even surprised me...and because it happened right after Thanksgiving and right before Christmas the Holidays were burdensome. I received many thoughtless remarks from inlaws who were surprised that I wanted a minimal holiday celebration. My remarks back may not have been very nice but I needed to deal with the holiday season the way I wanted to this year. Jae, take time for yourself. I am learning not to rush through my grief but to feel it. To feel the loss of my Mom...and to learn that I will have to live without her for a long time. I miss her dearly...I miss seeing my Mom and Dad together...it's a shock and a change that I knew would come some day but it seemed too soon. Too quick. I just had seen my Mom 4 days prior to her death and she was fine. Be good to yourself. Keep your Dad's spirit alive...tell stories...I tell stories to my girls and I am smiling more. I want them to remember what a loving and remarkable woman their grandmother was. Hugs to you and my deepest sympathy over the loss of your Dad.

Angie, I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. I am learning that my grief is definitely a journey that changes daily and sometimes from moment to moment. I lost my Mom 16 weeks ago last Wednesday. She was 62 years old and dropped dead of a heart attack in her kitchen fixing herself a cup of coffee. At first I was in disbelief and I have even felt grief for my Dad. They were married 44 years. Now, nearly 4 months afterward, things have changed a bit. I still cry every day. Sometimes, I just get teary eyed...other times I cry hard. I too feel strange about sharing my grief with others. I think my husband is uncomfortable with it...I don't think he truly realizes how sad I am about missing my Mom. I do have one very good friend that I talk to quite a bit...she lost a brother in 2002 and I have helped her through that and now she is there for me. I am just going to say it...It's crappy Angie. It's sad that your Dad left so young. You seem like you were very close. It's hard to understand....let yourself cry when you need to. I think of my Mom so many times throughout my day. I miss her...everything about her...my life is different and I am trying to find my way through this. I keep a journal on my computer. It helps me to see where I have been and where I am at with my grief. It is just stuff I don't want to "burden" other people with and at times I just cry when I type the words, the feelings, the remembrances...but I need it to get through this. I vist this site too and try to find comfort in other's words who are going through the same thing. It has helped. Once again, hugs to you...I am sorry for your loss. Lori

Candace, I too lost my Mom very suddenly on Nov. 30, 2005. I had just seen her the previous Friday and she was fine...she was fine the night before her death too. I also feel like sometimes this is all a bad dream. I guess my mind just knows the last time I saw her she was fine....how could she be gone? But...she is. I am nearly 4 months into this journey of grief. At first, I was in shock. My brother and I had to help my Dad with arrangements. I did what I needed to do, however, I couldn't sleep well and my stomach hurt me for days. I cried....a lot. I barely got through Christmas...but had to because I have 2 young daughters. I was dropping things all the time and making silly mistakes. My mind was not right. Now things are different. Oh, how I wish I could talk to my Mom. I keep a journal on my computer...it helps....I can see where I was and where I am now. Some days are good now and other days are really crappy. I think of my Mom at least 20 times a day. I had a rough time during my birthday...not receiving her call or a card signed by her. Now there are times that I can talk about my Mom and not cry...but laugh....that makes me happy. Oh how I miss her though. She was my first teacher and I must take all the valuable lessons and use them and pass them on. Your grief is new and raw. I too was mad about the abrupt end of my Mom's life at a time when things looked good for her. She said to my 9 year old daughter 5 days before her death. "Now that Grammy doesn't have to work so much she wants to come spend more time with you." That time spent will now be in memories. We must cherish what we both had and keep our Moms' legacies and spirits alive. You have my deepest sympathies. Lori

Pandorasbox, Sorry for the confusion. I meant I am not dealing with a crime against my family. Yes, my brother (the one in trouble) has always been a source of stress for our family especially my parents. I know how you feel about your Mom. I remember when everyone left after my Mom's funeral....most live in other states and I stayed with my Dad an extra day...I live about 90 minutes away. It hurt to leave him yet I had to go home to my husband and children. Coming back for the first time after all the chaos had calmed was sad for me. I had stayed in that house several days when everyone was there but coming back with my girls knowing it was only my Dad (and I love him dearly) was hard. That's when it hit me about what he goes through constantly. The good thing is is that he too immediately started talking about the future and he actually got a job (he's 65...just turned last Saturday)so he has a purpose and something to do everyday. This is what struck me. All the little things that made the kitchen in their house feel "homey" are gone and put on a shelf in the garage. My Mom's little personal touches...things that tell me I'm in my Mom's kitchen. I asked why very gently and he said he had to get rid of the clutter. Far from being cluttered was it, but it was decorated. Now it looks like someone is moving out. My daughters and I were waiting for my Dad to get some shoes on and we were sitting in the living room and it was quiet. The quiet that hurts your ears and I thought...."this is what my Dad deals with now, all the time". It hurts to write it but in a way I am not only grieving for the loss of my Mom but for his loss too. I hurt for him as well as myself and I don't understand why I have taken his loss on my shoulders. I guess it is the nurturing Mom in me. It sounds like this is happening to you too. I have 2 girls and they loved their Gramma dearly. She adored them! My oldest is 9 and my youngest 6 and it saddens me that though they loved her I think my youngest may not retain many memories of my Mom so I am trying hard to keep stories fresh. I want them to remember that she loved them more than they could ever know and they were her pride and joy. I am sure you will do the same with your little boy. Sorry for the confusion of my 1st post but I wanted to get it straight for you. Thanks for the well wishes and I will hug my Dad longer the next time I see him.

Pandorasbox, In some ways I know exactly how you feel....however, I am dealing with the added extra of a crime being committed against my family. Your Dad just died 2 weeks ago and it is still shocking....my Mom died of a massive heart attack 13 weeks ago tomorrow. It is still very hard to believe....especially since I just saw her 3 days before and she was fine. My Mom's death has been difficult for me too. It's wierd but my mind still sometimes think she is "here". I have cried every single day since she died. I think about so many times throughout my day. It's very difficult and I have tried to be good to myself like you need to do for yourself. I too am the only daughter out of 3 children and the only one who has remained close geographically to my parents. I am the oldest and my next brother, who is 13 months younger, lives far and my youngest brother just recently went to jail for a crime. I am here to listen to my Dad and try and help him in any way I can. I think how painful this is for me and I am sure his pain is multiplied...they were married 44 years. I know in time the pain will subside but I remember the day of her death so vividly and it was as if they day went on and on and on.....the longest day of my entire life. We will both be going through a lot of "firsts" this year and we have to let ourselves grieve and feel shock because it is all new to us. Tomorrow will be my first birthday without my Mom....it's been weighing on me heavily. So don't expect yourself to move on right away...especially now. Hugs to you and your family.

Thank you so much for your replies. Each one of you have helped me see what my father is going through. As I write this I have tears welling up in my eyes because my Mom was my Dad's world. Not that he is incapable of things but it was ALWAYS my Mom and Dad. It's just hard to see one without the other. Walt: Thank you for your kind words. I talk to my Dad the most out of our parent's 3 children. I am the only daughter and live the closest and I just feel very nurturing of him right now. I went with my daughters to see my Dad and I realized what he goes through. The quiteness in the house was deafening and this is what he deals with every night. No Mom anymore to talk to and share things with. I will respect his wishes but I don't want him to feel lonely and I only want him to know I love him. Dusky: Thank you for the wonderful idea. My parents had such a special bond. They had known eachother since she was 17 and he was 19. I had a horrible Christmas...our plans changed drastically since my Mom had passed just 4 weeks before. I could barely think clearly and we did the best we could and I surely needed my Dad that day. I will keep the candle idea. I love it and I love to talk about my Mom to my own daughters. KayC: Thank you for your comfort. I will always include my Dad but it makes me sad to know he doesn't really want to be with my or his granddaughters. I know it just may be too painful right now. I know the best way to remember my Mom is to keep her memory alive in my kids and my Dad told me soon after she passed away that the best thing to do for her is to love your girls. I am sure this is the most devestating thing he has had to face and I am almost hurting for him right now. Thank you all!

I am not someone who has lost a spouse. I lost my Mom suddenly on Nov. 30, 2005. She was 62. My Dad, who is 64, is alive. He and my Mom were marrie for 44 years, so they were basically kids when they got married. Needless to say, he is sad but seems to be doing okay. He has a strong support group of friends and relatives. My question to you who have lost a spouse is this: Do you feel like you never want to celebrate the holidays with your surviving family again? My brother called and invited our Dad to visit him for Easter. My Dad said that he is not coming and that the holidays mean nothing to him any more and he is not celebrating them. I know that losing my Mom is NOT the same as losing a spouse but it breaks my heart to hear him say things like this. He spent a few hours with me and my family on Christmas day, which was hard for us all. I don't know. I guess I have my own grief over my loss and then I grieve for my Dad who lost someone he loved for more than half of his life. I know my Mom would want him to celebrate and be with us. It just makes me so sad to know I have lost my Mom and now my Dad doesn't want to "do" holidays anymore. Do you think this will change?

My Mom died suddenly and unexpectedly on Nov. 30, 2005. I have found that my sadness had been a bit less frequent the past few weeks but within this last week my grief seems worse. I think it's because my birthday is coming up. It's bothering me. It's not the number it's because my Mom, who was ALWAYS the 1st person to call and wish me a happy birthday will not be making that call this year. Maybe this is part of the realization that she is not coming back. I guess this is part of the emotional roller coaster ride of grief. I still have my Dad, and we are close, but he is not my Mom. I have my husband of 11 years and I know he loved my Mom and misses her but he grieves so differently than myself. He lost his Grandfather, someone he was very close to, in August and I know he was sad over that loss but I sometimes feel my profound sadness at times is uncomfortable for him and I should get over it. My 2 daughters miss their Grandma but they are relatively young 7 and 9. I cry a lot alone, and these past few days that has been a lot. I had thought I had been doing pretty well and the only thing that I can find a reason for my new tears is my upcoming birthday. Does that make sense? I know it sounds selfish but I guess I am still mad that my Mom is gone. Oh, how I miss her. I have been keeping a journal on my computer. I don't write every day but I find I write most when I am feeling the most grief and loss of her. Needless to say, this past week has quite a few entries. My Mom was the most influental person in my life. Our Moms are our first caregivers, our first soft place to fall, our first loves. They connect all the pieces of the family and make us a home. I miss that feeling with the loss of my Mom. I just miss her and I am having a hard time right now.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 2 weeks ago. I am not sure if she had a heart attack or cardiac arrest or stroke. My Dad is still waiting on the death certificate. She had gotten up in the morning and was getting ready to have a cup of coffee and collapsed in the kitchen. She died a few hours later. I was 5 minutes late getting there and she passed away with my father and husband by her side. She was only 62. I hate that it happened and I keep replaying Thanksgiving and the next day over and over again in my head desperately trying to remember the most minute details of the day. The clothes she wore, what she said our conversations during those 2 days. I feel lucky to have had my Mom at my wedding and when I had my 2 children but I feel like there is just so much more to share and now she is gone. The weekend before she died I was making a batch of cookies and I was thinking of calling her the week she passed away and wanted to see if she could come and make Christmas cookies with me and the girls. I had a new oven I wanted her to see and use. Now that will never happen. But, the thing is too....when I got to the house the day she died there was a canister of cookies that was not there the days I was visiting for Thanksgiving and she had made the exact same cookies I did probably around the same time. I miss my Mom so. This Christmas is going to be so different but I have to be there for my kids too. I feel so empty and sometimes alone in my grief. I know your pain because I am feeling it too.