emptyinside

I just feel so useless now. I was extremely happy taking care of my dad. Nothing fazed me. If he needed help going to the bathroom, showering, etc., I was happy to do it. He helped me so much in life; I was only too happy to return the favor. I'm crying now and feeling such sorrow. All I want to do is take care of him! I'd do it 24 hours a day all over again.

I was (and still am) so distraught that I couldn't see my dad's body. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to the morgue to see him, but I couldn't. I didn't want to see him at the viewing. I didn't want to see the cremation. I didn't even want to see the urn with his ashes in it (when I knew the people were bringing it in, I went to another room). I did finally hold the urn, but I didn't believe he was in there. I never saw the ashes, so I told myself there was something else in there. I couldn't do it. I need to keep the fantasy alive that this is a mistake. I browsed books that said it's important to see the body for closure, but I don't want closure. This is a man I saw for every single day of my life. There's no way I can see him any other way.

Thanks.

Thank you for your reply. I'm just going to have to do it my way, like you said, and try not to judge it. But it's just that everyone talks about moving on...and I don't want to, so people make me feel weird about it. I'm waiting for him to come back in some kind of miracle. I will come back often to scream. It feels nice to have a place to do that where I don't have to wonder when I'll surpass a tolerance level, you know?

Chai, I totally understand how you are feeling. I'm spending my time curled up in a ball and sobbing (when I don't have to handle the other paperwork stuff). I can't say anything to make you feel better because I'm going through the same thing. I have very low and devastating moments, too. How will I live without my best friend? Kudos to you for going through finals...I'm not that strong and wouldn't know even how to concentrate.

I'm sorry. I'm new to the forum. I lost my father suddenly (had to buy big shoes because his feet swelled up). I get the whoosh feeling, too. I cry constantly, and I wonder how in the world it can hurt so much without a physical wound. It has got to be a mistake.

Hi. I need some help here and found this forum. I feel extremely depressed. My father, who is my best friend and closest person to me, passed away. Ever since I was little, I was always afraid he'd be taken away from me; he and I were very close, and he was the best father any person could ask for. He's the type of father who'd drive you around town for hours when you needed some last minute item for your school project that's due the next day. He's the type of father who will buy your favorite foods and secretly put it in your fridge. He's the the type of father who will drop everything to listen when you're having a problem. We hugged each other every day, and I always told him I loved him. I read posts in the forum. I had family members come over, telling me to stop crying and that "time will heal." Of course, these are the family members who haven't really lost anyone close. They say I need to accept this. Stop crying, stop crying, stop crying. People who tell me to get over it have no idea how important he is to me. If I'm not crying, I'm making circles around the house like a zombie. I saw two counselors (I am a very open person about my feelings, so I looked forward to it), but they gave me cliches (he's in your heart; time will heal) and gave me meds without really listening to me (one of them was busy typing on his computer as I talked). I will try others later because I know finding a counselor that fits you is a process unto itself, but right now my mom and I are just talking about him 24/7 without going out except to buy food. Does anyone understand this? Every minute of existence is excruciating. Thank you for reading.