emptyinside

To StarKiss and all the posters herein, I'm so glad this board exists so we can help each other. Thinking of all of you. Hugs. Em

Yes, we are questioning the world as we know it! It's like I have to re-teach myself how the world works. I will try to be more compassionate towards others. I know they mean well, and I shouldn't be quick to see bad in good. She is a great friend, a loving person. I have to remember that. I usually am not very analytical/logical, but I'll try to be more so in the future. I feel like a completely different person! I wish we weren't so good at the guilt part! We're practically experts. You were not patronizing at all. I fully welcome and am so grateful for your help through this. You're a godsend.

My dad's in a columbarium, where urns are kept. I'm in the same country where it is now. But I don't know if I should go or not. I was there to put it there; there was a ceremony involved. I never saw the body, though. I don't want to go. Even at the funeral, I had to leave the room when the body was brought out. Later, though, on the way to the columbarium, I held the urn in the car according to ritual. It almost broke me apart, having to look down at this urn, which carried my dad. I couldn't believe it. I have horrible flashbacks of myself holding this...thing. This thing can't be my dad now. I pretended it wasn't him. I know you're supposed to see the body, you're supposed to make it real for yourself on towards acceptance, but I have to be honest and say that had I seen the body, I think I would have gouged my eyes out (sorry for the graphic image). I hugged my dad every single day. When we walked, I always held his arm (something I did since I was a little kid). I just couldn't see him without life. I could feel my body recoil naturally when it was time to bring it out. I ran out of there like a little kid scared of a monster while my other family did the viewing. I felt like I was going to throw up. I'm operating on a type of denial now, I guess. That's how I sleep at night. I know myself quite well; if I forced myself to "accept" it (God, I hate that word), I would be in a corner like a basket case...yes, even more than I am now! I know what all the grief books say. I know I'm doing things wrong. I haven't touched his room. I still buy him presents and leave them in there. I've always bought him presents, and I couldn't bear not doing it. It made me feel better to do so. I'm breaking all the rules to make myself feel better in the present, even though it might be detrimental to my future, according to the books. I just want to keep him alive for as long as possible. I'm sort of a daydreamer by nature, so I guess it works for me. So someone in my family asked me if I was going to go up to see my dad in the columbarium, now that I am here. I don't want to, but then I begin thinking: Would my dad be saddened if I didn't? Would he say, "Hey, she doesn't love me enough to visit me?" Because I've done other frivolous things while here. I went to dinner with my relatives, I went to a store to buy some movies and books (I watch movies and read a lot to distract myself). How could I buy books and movies and not see my dad, you know? I don't know what to do. Am I evil for not wanting to go? It seems mean to travel all this way, having paid that expensive air ticket, and not see him. We went here to take care of estate business. I think about my dad every single day (as you guys can tell with my tortured postings!). I STILL have traumatic flashbacks of the funeral, and I am scared that seeing the urn will freshen the horror. Thanks for reading.

Yes to all said above. I'd enjoy the times you don't cry because crying sessions do tend to come out of no where and hit like a ton of bricks. I think not crying sometimes is your body's way of giving you some rest. I really don't think you're forgetting him.

Thanks, Boo, for your words. Do you think I'm overreacting by being really angry about what she said? I need an outside perspective to tell me because I'm in my bubble and can't tell anymore. She has always been a very caring and sensitive friend, which is why I'm surprised she said that. I know she says she doesn't blame me, but why add that advice at the end if she doesn't? Basically, in my first e-mail to her, I was crying about how I chose school over Vegas with my dad. I was beating myself over that already, and then she has to add that advice about not putting school first all the time? It made me feel so much worse, like she was agreeing with me. I was so angry I couldn't sleep. I wrote her that I feel like a horrible person, especially after her advice, because it's my poor decision-making skills that robbed me of extra time with my dad. She wrote back: Oh no, you are not horrible. You're blaming yourself over a situation that you had no control over. Had you been a psychic and saw all that was to come and still didn't take action, well then you can talk. But you didn't know. You had no idea that God was ready for your dad. Theres a reason why you werent there- what if you did stay... You would have messed up your opportunity and not been able to save your dad because you cant play God. Maybe your dad saved your life- maybe God knew that he couldn't have you there for whatever reason. Your dad wants you to be successful. you're his pride and joy! You didn't do anything wrong. Please font blame yourself. Im sure your dad feels awful right now because he sees his daughter suffering so much. Im sure he wishes he can make things better for you. Please don't blame yourself- can you imagine what that does to him? Think about it. i know this is an awful thing to experience and i admire you for trying to deal... Please dont give up. I think I know I am not omnipotent and can't predict the future. But I'm fixating now on the choices I did make, period. It's like driver who hit a bicyclist accidentally, killing him. The driver didn't know he would do that, of course, but he feels extreme guilt for having done so at all. I know my dad wouldn't want me to suffer like this, but I can't think about his feelings right now to make myself feel better. My feelings are there nonetheless. It's so nice what your dad did for you by telling Cliff not to take you back. That's love. I remember after my dad's first hospitalization, my dad told me I should take a leave of absence of drop out of my program entirely (because he knows I've been unhappy about some aspects) so we can take this trip to this city overseas we've always talked about. I told him I'd take a leave after one more semester, that I'd do it after the summer so I'd get Fall free. Because I was taking a really critical class I liked, and it was only offered once a year. Of course, during the summer my dad got hospitalized overseas, so I never got to take Fall off for the trip since he was in a hospital. I regret that now. Why didn't I take a leave to go on that trip? Now I have three things to feel guilty about. Why am I so angry with my friend? I don't want to be. I get angry and hurt so easily now than ever before, and I really dislike being angry. It feels wrong in my skin. Do you think my friend does blame me a little? Otherwise why'd she say that, you know? I know it's important to take your time, to enjoy experiences, school isn't everything etc. It's actually good advice. But it wasn't the right time to give me that advice, IMO, when I'm already beating myself about my diligence to school. It was bad timing, I feel. I need some outside perspective to calm me down so I won't feel resentment against her, because we've never fought before (she's really a mothering type of friend, very sweet normally). To me, it's like I said, "Damn, I chose school over dad. Feeling guilty." Her reply: "Don't blame yourself. BTW, you should not choose school over anything in the future." Uh, thanks... You're so kind. Thank you so much for your comforting words!

I'm feeling an incredible surge of guilt at the moment. I'm freaking out. Please talk me down. Story: Dad and I took a weekend trip to Vegas (as stated in the first post). Had fun. Ate, caught a show, etc. He wanted to come back, and I, of course, agreed. The time he wanted to go for the 2nd time, though, interfered with this stressful final exam I had to study for. I wanted to do it the weekend right AFTER my exam was over so I could fully enjoy it instead of worrying about the exam. I've always been an A student, always tried my best. It's actually hard for me to procrastinate or do schoolwork halfway. I think my parents instilled that in me. I always tried my best in school and extracurriculars to make my parents proud. It really made me happy when I heard my dad talk about me to others, saying he was proud of the things I've accomplished. After the exam happened, dad was due to return to another city, so he'd have a long drive. Plus, he had a flight scheduled after that to another country, so I guess he didn't feel like cramming Vegas in now that his international trip was so close. Later, I told him I wish we had scheduled that second trip to Vegas anyway. He said, "Well, you didn't want to go." I told him that wasn't true. I wanted only to delay it until after my exam. Man, am I regretting what I did. I keep playing his words in my head: "Well, you didn't want to go..." Over and over. I could have had another wonderful trip to remember my dad by, but I blew it off for an EXAM?! Am I crazy? I had no idea that he'd be sick during his international trip and pass away, preventing ANY trips at all in the future. Had I known, boy, I would have taken an F- in that class. I'd have dropped out of school entirely for him. So I was e-mailing my friend about this, and she wrote this to me: you're a wonderful daughter! You shouldn't beat yourself up over not going to Vegas the second time around. You said it yourself- you didn't know. don't torture yourself and accept that you were the best daughter a dad could have. Not very many people, sadly to admit, get along with their parents let alone even talk to them. But you, you were his best friend. Thats amazing! Wanting to study over going to Vegas again well, if it were me, i would have said **** my final- Vegas here i come! But thats me, i wasn't always the best student. You were always into getting A's, i was more about- I'll take the A/B, sometimes C(horrible, i know). i just wanted to feel free and enjoy my life. i didn't hate school, in fact i loved learning and reading and of course meeting you! school was amazing- great professors, wonderful classes. I was a good student, but you were a great student. i remember you would turn down going to the movies or the mall so you can read and study- i always admired your dedication and your intelligence. Thats who are and when you turned Down Vegas, you were just being you, nothing wrong with it. The only advice i would like to give you is to think about your experiences going forward instead of just the final result. You could earn an A and hate a class or you can create great memories in your life and settle for an A- Im not saying to be a bad student, but remember that the key is to build relationships with your professors and impress them to create career connections. If that means getting A's, so be it. Just don't make a grade the only attention you get from your teachers. i don't know if im making sense... All i can say is that a GPA is not as important out in the workplace as i thought it would be... Just enjoy life, you deserve to. Im glad that your dad got to see Vegas. If you ever want to go just to visit and chill there, i will totally be there for you if you ever need to talk. I know she didn't mean to, but her e-mail just made me feel so much worse! Don't get me wrong. I KNOW she's absolutely right. Life ISN'T about grades. But the fact she tacked on that advice at the end of it drove the knife in deeper. I am already feeling absolutely gutted about the fact that I took studying for an exam over my dad's offer to go to Vegas (silly me thought delaying it a week was not a big deal...I didn't know my dad would just drop the trip altogether when I didn't want to do it on the weekend he wanted). Also, if you remember my story, I flew back to school after staying for four months 24/7 with my dad overseas in the hospital. I flew back home to arrange for better care for my dad for when he did return and to go back to school (I'm already very behind in the program, and I had some critical classes to take). He passed while I was at school. I will never forgive myself for declining that second trip when he wanted it AND for leaving my dad to go to school. I really thought he needed to stay overseas to recover from his surgery and to see his doctor for scheduled followup appointments and prescription refills. He was VERY underweight and malnourished (but he had a feeding tube, so he was supposedly getting better--that's what the docs told me, which is why they released him to a less-serious recuperation hospital). So though he was recovering, he hadn't recovered enough yet (it would be slow but sure, according to the docs). I thought he was therefore unfit to fly since a 13 hour flight would be stressful, dirty (all the circulated air, and he had an open wound in his body from the feeding tube, which always leaked and wasn't really healed). So my plan had been to go back to school while scheduling appointments with better doctors, outfitting his house with equipment for his wheelchair-bound state, etc. Then after his wound was better and he'd gain weight, he could come home to everything taken care of. I had appointments with great docs scheduled, extra equipment now that he couldn't walk, extra health insurance, etc. It's funny. I also wonder if God (or whoever) meant for us just to have that one Vegas trip? We'd gone with other people other times, but this was the first with just us two there. And after I left my dad overseas to go back to school, my mom was there with him, just them two, just like before I was born. She was there with him when he passed. I wonder if that's by design. Like coming full circle. I dunno. I do know that had I been there to watch him die, I'd be crazier than I am now. OK, this is me trying to make myself feel better in a really pathetic way. Now that e-mail from my friend kills me. She's basically agreeing with me that my adherence to school is detrimental, right? I'm super sensitive these days, so I know I'm overreacting. I just can't shake this guilt and the way I perceive what she said. I'm taking everything the wrong way. I feel so emotionally raw. I'm such a nutcase these days. I swear I wasn't like this before. This is my first big loss. :blink:

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. With friends like these... Could you maybe spend some time with one friend who you know won't be like this? It could help offset the bad things your other "friends" are doing. The world is full of selfish, self-serving people, I'm sad to say.

I have flashbacks, too, and from what people have told me on here, it seems that it's normal. Hugs.

I'm so sorry. The people on here are really amazing. Very kind and patient.

When it rains, it pours. Hoping for lots of upturns in the future.

Carla Dee, that's a really nice picture. Thanks for sharing.

My dad and I loved to travel and do road trips. So we loved going to Las Vegas spontaneously to catch a show and just eat. Our last road trip was to there. My mom couldn't make it, so it was just us two. We just saw one show, ate at a few restaurants, and did some shopping, a little gambling. We were going to see more shows, but it didn't pan out, so we promised we'd schedule them next time. Funnily enough, the show we wanted to see next time was Danny Gans' show (he died recently). I really love the city, but I haven't been back since. I miss the place a lot. I just had a panic attack this morning because it hit me that I'll never get to go with him again. I mean, I know that intellectually, but sometimes the thought hits me afresh, and it's hard to believe it. I love the place and would love to go back, but then I realize I want to go back like it was BEFORE. I don't think I want to go with anyone else or by myself. When my dad was temporarily delirious in the hospital, he was talking in his sleep, and he said that he wanted to sit in the front row. When he woke up, I asked him what he was dreaming about. He said he dreamed we were at a show, and he was telling the usher where he wanted to sit. I think I said that before. It kills me. I've been listening to songs that we listened to while we were there. I then dive into dreamland and pretend we're back there, sightseeing. How do I handle this? I love the place a lot. Am really yearning to go back. But I know I'll fall apart if I go there because I don't want to enjoy the city if my dad can't; it feels like I'm rubbing it in his face. My memory's too good. If I walk in the places we were before, I just know bits of conversations we had will pop into my head, stuff like that. I just want to go back IN TIME to the place. What would you do? Does anyone have dilemmas like this?

Thank you, guys. But I don't think my mom gets it, either. She thinks I should distract myself and not think about it again. She says once I distract myself enough, I'll forget and be okay. I don't agree with her. I think pushing feelings away is procrastination; sooner or later, you'll have to deal with them. Besides, I'm not a good liar. I can't push things to the side and pretend I'm happy. I'd love if I COULD do that. I'd get some peace! I feel so lonely. My dad was the person in my family who understood me the most. I guess it's because we were a lot alike. He never discounted my feelings. When I was upset about something, he always set time aside one way or another. We'd have our special talks, and he'd listen to me and help. I know I sound like a big baby. But he and I were friends, so I guess I depended on his unconditional love and understanding. Now I have my mom who's not willing to talk with me. I tried approaching her and talking to her like I would my dad, but she got angry at me for being sad. She got really defensive when I told her I was sad. "Are you saying it's my fault?!" I said of course not. Not at all. I just wanted to talk to her about my feelings. She said I must feel it's her fault for me to bring up my sadness. She told me to forget about being sad and just be happy. So our talk didn't go very far. It's not just her grief talking, either. She has always been like this. I can talk to my friends, but I'd like at least one family member to get me. I keep thinking about how it'd go with my dad. I'd come to him, expressing my feelings. He'd make time (if not right then, then definitely in the near future) to talk to me. He'd listen, then weigh in logically, tell me he loved me, and give me a hug. He also understood that problems sometimes were a process, so he didn't expect to solve everything. Sometimes it helped to just have that soundboard so you can sort through your own thoughts, you know? That's what was so great about him. Now I don't have that anymore, and I was so stupid to try to replicate that. I just got yelled at and rebuffed. Yes, I'm an adult. I should buck up and learn to solve my own problems. I don't know. I'm just used to getting support, maybe it spoiled me? But I know tons of people who go to their family for support, no matter how old they are. Why can't I have people in my family who understands how much pain I'm in, people who encourage working on a process instead of just sticking thoughts deep down inside in a bottle? I just get this "get over it, move on with your life" advice. I feel so alone.

I'm about to lose it right at this moment. Middle of the night. I can't sleep. My brain is tired, but I can't sleep. I keep thinking how lonely I feel. Why can't my family understand, particularly this one close relative? I feel so misunderstood, alone, abandoned, my mind just went to a very, very dark place about how to let this pain go. It's not fair...not only my dad, but also other family has been wrenched from me, it feels like. I think I'm having the onset of a panic attack. I have friends, but I'm selfish and want my family to understand, too. I want blood to understand, too. Why can't I have been born into a different family? Feels like I got cursed twice!

Guys, these links are nice, but I don't think my relatives will read them (some of them don't even know English). And the ones who do, well...it's a different culture, and they wouldn't read these anyway. The idea is to buck up, grow up, and move on, and those who don't do it are infantile. I think they probably see me as a big baby these days, you know, like, "Look at her. She's being so childish. Still upset. Well, once she really grows up and matures, she'll know." Even though I AM grown up. I'm in pain. Why are maturity and grief mutually exclusive? They are untouched. I want to see how THEY are once they lose someone so close. And I don't want to just stop talking to them, either, because I already feel so lonely inside, and cutting people out will worsen that feeling. I know people can't be perfect, can't be how I wish they'd be. But I don't know what to do these days. My best friends have been very nice and patient, so that's a blessing. I can cry to them whenever. But my family seems to have moved on already. My aunts and uncles are older, so I know they have a different perspective on death, accepting the circle of life, etc. But I can't think in those terms right now. It's SO personal to me, I can't even see straight. Is this out of the ordinary? Aren't most families understanding and nice? Am I just blessed with particularly callous family members or what? I just feel so lonely. Almost like I'm the only one on earth. I can be in a room full of people, but I feel so lonely, like no one understands me, and the pressure to be "better" is making me paranoid and anxious. I'm scared if I don't put on a happy face, then family won't want to be around me anymore, so I'll really be alone. I don't smile anymore, and I think my cousin's annoyed because she hasn't called me in a couple days since our last outing. But she still has her parents, and her parents are a good 15-20 years older than my dad. How come THEY get to make demands on me? How come they still have their families in tact AND get to demand I snap my fingers and be happy? Why can't I, who has lost the person I love most in the world, have a little compassion, a little understanding? Why do I have to give up my true feelings and put on this show? It's like kicking me when I'm down.

$*%&$(&%(*%&$(*% I just had flashes of the conversations dad and I had on the phone when I left to go back to school. Suddenly, it seemed like the conversation was one second ago, and now I'm scrambling to find a way to get him back (which is illogical, but...). I feel like I have to call him back, go find him, do SOMETHING, not just sit here remembering what he said, unable to reply back to him. I just want him back. Why is that so much to ask for? I #(%U%)U$*%$U%#% hate this.

Hi, Boo Mayhew. I definitely agree. Makes perfect sense. I don't think I've rejoined the world yet (and, to be honest, I'm not sure if I ever will as I did before). And thank you for that book recommendation. As soon as I get home, I'll order it. Sometimes I feel my dad around me, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too grounded in this world because I am hung up on all the earthly goods he will miss. I knew all the stuff he liked, things I see now walking through the city that he doesn't get to eat/see/enjoy, and I can't shake that unfairness. When he came to vacation here, he only got a couple of days before ending up in the hospital! I'm preoccupied to all the material things he's missing out on. I get pissed when I see his brother eating my dad's favorite food. He's so much older than my dad, and he's alive (this sounds awful, I know). Why does HE get to enjoy the things now and my dad doesn't? What makes him so special that he's still here? How come his kids, who are so much older than I am, still get their dad and I don't? I saw him today, and I see how some features resemble my dad, and I seethe (not that I want anything to happen to him, either). Being here has really messed with my emotions.

I've been having premonitions of my own passing. For some reason, I think I'll die in a car accident. Wondering if anyone has experienced this? It's nothing I put much stock in, but I just have a feeling that's how I'll go. And I can't say I'm upset about the idea of my death...I think, well, there might be a chance I could see my dad again and get rid of all this stress and pain. I know it's morbid and .

Thank you for sharing that, bsk. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who keeps buying things for my dad. I keep them in his room. I bought my dad things all the time, and the thought of stopping kills me, so I'm going to continue buying things for him. If I could only have a tiny sign. If dad could tell me that he's in a better place and is having a BLAST. If he could just tell me that life pales in comparison to what he has now. I'd be able to rest easier. :(

Today one of my relatives asked me if I was better yet. I couldn't manage a smile for her when I saw her. I'm just not a very good liar, I guess. It's hard for me to smile and fake it. I said "not really" and shrugged. She then playfully took me by the shoulders and shook me, going, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO YET BETTER?" I know she means well. She says she doesn't want to see me hurting anymore. But I hate that she sorta chuckles when I say "not really" or "not better yet." Like a reaction to a child who's holding a grudge for not getting candy earlier. She's a lot older than I am and still has both her parents, so I know she can't grasp the depth of my pain. Should I start faking it? I'm thinking maybe I should take an acting course or something. Maybe I should smile and say, "Good, thanks." But I know I'll feel awful afterward. I'm just normally so honest with my feelings (I don't mean I spill my guts to acquaintances or strangers when they ask how I am, but when it comes to closer people, I don't). It doesn't feel right for me to lie. But I also dislike the chuckles or looks of "Oh, are you still doing that crazy grieving thing, you silly thing!" Then I feel like an outcast, a party pooper, or a child. I get the impression the relative thinks I haven't grown up enough, which is why I still miss my daddy. In her mind, a true adult will be mature about it and move on, not keep crying like I do. I don't blame her; she's of a different culture, so grief is handled differently. What do you guys say to people when they ask you how you're doing? (Sorry for clogging up the boards lately. I guess I've been extra down this past week.)

I'm back in the place where my dad passed, and it has been extremely hard to be back here. Lots of things flooding back. I go to stores and see my dad's favorite food. There was this one specific ice cream flavor that my dad wanted while he was in the hospital, but I couldn't find that flavor because it's relatively rare. I bought tons of other food he loved, but this one thing I couldn't find. I just saw it in the store, and I suddenly started crying because I couldn't buy it for him when he was alive. Through life, I had a habit of buying things for my dad I knew he loved. It was kinda our thing, be it a big gift or a little thing like his favorite candy. Logically, I know my dad probably wasn't pining away for that flavor all the time. He probably only mentioned it twice. But still. It has grown in my head, and I imagine him begging for it or something, even though he never did. So today I'm crying a lot over ice cream. Why was I such an idiot? Why didn't I try harder to get it for him? At the time, I went to the stores near the hospital via taxi (already kind of difficult because I don't speak the language so had to point to words someone wrote down for me). I walked for about two-three miles from the hospital, trying to find it and some other things dad wanted. I found just about everything on the list except for that. I walk around and see restaurants and stores my dad would have loved to go to. Yesterday, I passed a restaurant that serves our favorite cuisine in the world. I saw a father-daughter team eating by the window. I know that if my dad had been with me, we'd stop at the front, read the menu, then go inside. Dad and I had spent a lot of time together, went to a lot of restaurants and places, but it makes me so sad that we can't go to the new ones I discover. Trying new restaurants all the time was one of our favorite things to do. Everywhere I go, I see something and get excited for a nano second, making a quick mental note. "I have to tell dad--" Oh. Wait. I see all the things life has to offer, and I can't believe dad can't enjoy them. I'm not sure if I believe in God. Maybe yes, maybe no. If I had true conviction and faith, then I could tell myself, "Heaven is tons better than what they have here. Dad's probably scoffing at life compared to what he has up there." But I don't know if I believe in heaven, and I don't know how to just have faith that there is one so I can believe that dad's in a better place. I just look around and see things he can't have. It's so depressing. :(

Good idea. Yeah, I'll just swallow the loss and move on. Even though the seller's horrible, maybe I did take some of my frustration out on him. Thank you SO MUCH for supporting me. That means a whole lot to me. My dad's a very, very good person. He put me and others first always. Thank you thank you thank you for reassuring me. It's so helpful to "hear" a voice of reason and support at a time like this, especially when people around me want me to just forget about everything and move on. It's good to know that sometimes people cannot just say whatever they want to the vulnerable. Sometimes it's okay to be mad about it and say, "That's not right." *hugs*

I agree. I hate that we're supposed to move on and not miss people. I hate it when people wonder why I'm not "better." I'm not going to!

You are not stupid! You lost Glenn in the most horrible way. I'm so sorry you're feeling so much pain.

Wow, Wendy...I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that suffering and pain in such a short time. How are you holding up? How do you deal with these thoughts? I know a lot of things in life are coincidences, but sometimes things hit to close to home that makes you wonder! I mean, all those people in your life, Wendy. Would God punish like this? Or would God even allow people to possess the power to curse like this? Before, I'd preferred to think not, but it's hard once your mind wanders to that area. I do get angry and irritated a lot these days. I even insulted this seller via e-mail in a snarky way because I was just so angry and frustrated at what he was doing to me, at how UNFAIR life has been to me. I mean, I already lost someone so important to me, and now I can't even buy something without running into trouble? I feel guilty for it now and wish I hadn't sunk low to his level. I can count only three times in my life when I purposefully insulted anyone, period (and after these three times I felt horrible). I was just all out of logic and let my angry heart rule, which was a mistake. *hugs* Wendy. Thank you for sharing that you have the same thoughts, too.