emptyinside

Thank you for sharing. All that you said made perfect sense to me.

Hi Chai, I'm so glad you had someone to talk to. My one year anniversary came up, too, and it was very difficult. I felt very numb on the day. Seems like 20 years and last week simultaneously. Isn't time funny? Thoughts are with you.

I wish I knew how. I'd be helping myself. What happened, Gayle?

I've been distracting myself. Been reading news, involved in an activity that can eat up time, reading books, etc. I didn't cry for a few weeks. Felt almost normal. It's still not my normal routine. When I think of doing my normal routine in another city, I begin to waver and cry again. I'm not better. I still feel lonely and empty inside, even when I'm with friends. I know what I want to do in life, but when I think I don't have my loved one with me to witness it and enjoy it with me, I feel that I shouldn't even bother anymore. I just feel like a shell, coasting by. Can anyone relate?

I guess I'm really into polls and discussion questions lately. I'm just wondering what kind of "strange," maybe out-of-character (or not), things you guys did after you got the horrible news. It doesn't have to be immediately after. Just anything in your grief and/or shock. Did you destroy things? Become fixated on certain things? Move? Take up lessons in something you've always wanted to do? As for me, I babbled and burst into tears in front of a total stranger and could not shut up for the life of me!

I always have something on in the background because I don't like silence now. I think it's okay. Do what feels right for you. A pet might be a good idea.

I'm curious. In the first few days of grief, let's say, in the shock/disbelief/denial phase, what did someone do/say to help lessen the pain...even a tiny bit? Or if no one did anything or said anything, what could someone have done or said to help a little? I know I was pissed off at a lot of the "it'll take time," "he's in a better place," blah blah crap. That was and still is the worse thing to tell me. But was there anything someone did or say, however, small, that made you feel a bit better? For example, did someone just sit with you in silence? Did someone give you something? Did someone cuss a lot at the injustice (the latter is mine)? Thanks.

My mom called to see what I was eating for lunch. I broke down from that. My dad always asked after me like that; it's even a little bit of a joke between us (I often skip lunch). That little thing and my day went downhill. ;( Crying all over again, can't believe he's not here anymore, realizing that I'll never hear my phone ring with his voice on the other end asking me what I ate. Hit me like a ton of bricks again. How can it not be in reality anymore when my memories are so real? I feel sick. This isn't who I am. I don't know who I am now. I'm so lost.

What is up with me? I've been feeling like I'm not in my real skin. I feel like a shell of a person. I also feel antsy sometimes, like I want to go move in with my family, who live far away. Sometimes I really want to jump on a plane and go live with family for a few years. I just feel like being surrounded by people, family. I visited them a couple months ago, spending a month with them. Sitting around the TV. Going to restaurants. Going to stores together. They were trying to cheer me up. I was handling some hard business on my own, but at least they were all there when I got back. I felt much more relaxed then; I felt like if I fell, they'd be there for me. Sometimes just knowing that a railing is there is enough to prevent you from toppling over. Does that make any sense? I'm largely on my own here, with the nearest family far away. I have my mom, but it's not enough. I feel like I need more people around me on a permanent basis. This is weird...lots of my friends live on their own, far away from family. They're fine with it. I have one friend who lives with her very big family because she's unmarried (it's part of our cultures to do that); I envy her a lot. They all have their own lives, but at night they all eat dinner together to catch up. If a crisis arises, she can call any number of them, and within minutes help is there. I never had feelings like this until I lost my dad. I feel extremely empty and vulnerable. I know it's probably better to be independent and everything, but I just feel I need my support system nearby for a very long time. I think its part of who I am. You know how we say grief is so personal and individual, and healing is a journey that's different for everyone? I think I found that my journey is to heal with family at home. I think pushing myself to do everything alone, to get over grief, to jump back into my old life without my biggest cheerleader (dad) would devastate me, and I'd end up shooting myself in the foot. But I don't know how to achieve what I need.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I really identify with the denial part. I think it is our way of preserving our sanity sometimes. I still do it.

Hugs to you, Chai. I'm so sad about Patrick Swayze, too. And all the greats we lost this year. I'm watching Dirty Dancing right now, thinking how unfair life is. Yeah, everyone goes, "Life isn't fair!" It's a cliche. But when we see it demonstrated in our personal lives and in those we admire, that's when the words really ring true. He seemed like such a great guy. Not fair.

In the beginning, it's difficult to get out of bed, buy groceries, clean the house, go out with your friends. I just wanted to hole up because I just felt so sad. My question is...how do you know when you "should" go back to your old routine completely? I've done some of the things I should. I shop for food. Hang with people. Talk my feelings out a lot. Handle affairs. But I'm still not 100%. For a while, I stopped crying and began acting normal. So I thought I was getting better. But then the old shock returned, and I started crying again, and I realize that I'm not rested, not fully recovered, because I am still so exhausted. There's this big move I'm supposed to undertake, but I feel I'm not ready yet. The real me, the essence of Em, is telling the Now Em to get a move on, get over it, and jump 100% back into life and all my business like nothing happened (because that life was fine, nice...wish I could return). But currently my heart is telling me not to yet, that I need more time with family, more time to sort out my head. I had just seen family, but now I'm away from them again, so I feel very alone. I could go back to be with them, and the thought makes my heart feel less heavy. When I was with them, I felt supported, comfortable, and more secure. On my own, I feel like no one can catch me if I "fall," and so I must work harder not to fall because I don't have that net. Am I just weak? Do I just need to shut my feelings up and dive into my old live fully, back to business as usual? Or do I need to not worry about returning to my previous life and responsibilities and focus on the Now and what I need currently? Not sure if I am making any sense. I feel guilty for needing a long, long recovery. Feel selfish and stupid. Thinking of moving closer to my family for a while, but I don't want to shirk my responsibilities here (the old me really loved the old responsibilities, and I still do, but I just don't think I can jump back into my old skin yet). Advice? Thank you.

And we're lucky to have you and everyone else here. ((hugs))

Chai, that story about your dad and the grocery store really resonated with me. Ever since I was little, dad and I always did the grocery shopping together in the morning (he said that's when the food is the freshest). It was our thing. He always picked the produce very carefully, studying everything he picked up for several seconds, his eyes squinting, his mouth in an "O" shape. In later years, we did the shopping in the afternoons after school. We were even grocery shopping last year. I loved buying food with him. We were both foodies, so it was exciting buying all the ingredients for recipes we wanted to try. So simple. So precious. Even an all- expenses-paid trip to Paris wouldn't compare. Like you said: "My dad was like a best friend to me. I really miss that best-friend-ness." I can't believe that dad and I won't be able to go out for lunch after my classes are done. Or talk about my day. Or talk about my upcoming projects. Or agree with me when I complain about a class (lol). It's really difficult when you and your dad were like best buds. I don't know how I'm going to face the place. Associations run very deep in my mind. I know that a smell, a tree, a sign -- whatever -- will bring on some acute pain. I hope you're doing well, Chai. Please let me know how you feel when you face these things.

StarKiss, my loss has made me fear this, too, when I didn't even think of this before! All of a sudden I'm insecure and afraid I'll be all left alone in the world, especially if I never get married. No advice. Just wanted to say that I feel the same way.

Looking at pics of my dad in the hospital and am feeling numb. He was alive. Ill but alive. He was laughing, telling stories, reading the newspaper. I prefer to think of him alive somewhere. He ran off to some desert island. I decided I can't go to the columbarium. I can't tolerate the idea of him in a different form. Can't look at it. Can't talk to it. Can't see him reduced to something in an urn. Lots of people do it all the time, but I guess it's not for me. Thanks for reassuring me that I can do things my own way. I'll just keep looking at his pictures, looking at his flesh, his smile, his eyes.

AnnC, of course you're right. We can't predict the future. I'm so sorry you had to go through your guilt, too. It's just that I wonder if there's a meaning or a pattern to this. Why couldn't I be there when my dad passed? Why was it just my mom? Was some power trying to make things come full circle? So confusing. Had a big grief burst today. I had to go to a hospital, and being at one just brought back horrid flashbacks and could've should'ves. Am feeling very deadened inside. No motivation. Just...blank. Then tears.

Happy birthday!

Chai, you're right. My dad wouldn't hold this against me. Odd, but I'm not thinking about how he feels. Whether he blames me or not, I blame myself. I try to tell myself that he wouldn't want me to be unhappy, but this smartass voice in my head says, "If he really wouldn't want me to be unhappy, why'd he leave?" Ah, it is so hard that we were friends with them, huh, Chai? Makes parting so harder. I'm so glad you found a good friend of your father's to talk to. I wish I had that. I think in my culture people tend not to talk about the dead. You are very, very lucky, and I'm so glad someone remembers your dad with you. I've had a hard day. I found these pictures of people with their dads -- at graduations, weddings, just hanging out -- and I've been crying a lot. Maybe I like torture. But I'm looking at their smiles, feel their happiness, and I feel happy for them (because I know that time is so special). But then I remember I can't have that, and I start to cry all over myself. I know other people have their other parent or other pseudo-parents to help, but I don't have that. My mom and I are very different, so we can't talk like my dad and I talked. Feel utterly abandoned. Hopeless. I'm so scared. So what do I do? I look up pictures of people with their dads. I think I might be cursed. Not only do I not have my dad, but some other things have also gone wrong to exacerbate the grief. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me before, so this succession of bad things has been quite an experience. I just keep looking at these happy pictures, hoping that if I wish hard enough, I can kinda be part of that again? I don't know.

You made plenty of sense. I just PMed you, Tiffy. Hi. The people here are amazing. You'll receive lots of patience and love here. Em

Wow, Boo, that sounds absolutely beautiful. The whole idea is so lovely. Star, I hope you will be able to come to a peaceful decision with your family. Much love.

Boo, once again you're amazing. Thank you for saying "protect your mind." I will work on doing that. Very good point on the upbringing...I wasn't brought up around death. While people I know have seen bodies from a young age, I never had to do that, so I'm definitely very new to all this. Many, many thanks for your help. I will also get that book you recommended as soon as I return. Marty, thank you. I've gotten lots of books myself. And people have given me print outs that say things like: 1.) Take care of your loved one's possessions. Do it with a friend or family member to make the process easier. 2.) It is important to view the body. Although it can be hard at first, blah blah blah..." And stuff like "not doing X" or "doing X" can delay the grief process and make it more difficult in the long run. So when I don't do or do certain things, I feel like I'm breaking the rules; the stuff I've read don't stress that grief work is individual, or make it sound like these things are optional and not for every person. Some of the stuff isn't from America, so maybe it's a cultural difference, too.

Exactly what Boo said. We have no choice. Of course you still love your mom. There is absolutely no doubt about that.