Elizabeth149

Hi Elaine - I'm sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to you. I don't come here very often. Truth is, I try to avoid anything that reminds me of the emotional pain I'm in as often as I can. My heart is just broken and though I know bringing it all up and out in the open helps heal, it just overwhelms me too much. I'm so sorry for all your losses - I've had animals all my life and losing them had their own horrible impact on my heart. The two recent Chela, and Casper - those losses have almost broken me. I'm physically and emotionally devastated. I feel like I've aged 20 years in the past one year and the stress is just wearing me out. So, I just try and take it one day at a time, just forcing myself to push forward even when I'd rather stay in bed. I'm having horrible panic/anxiety attacks so staying in bed isn't really an option unless I were to medicate myself. I already have to medicate myself in order to get sleep. My body just feels like it's in a constant state of shock and my back muscles are just all whacked out. I've now got pain and weakness down my left arm and into my shoulder and neck. I have an MRI scheduled for Wed. The dr. thinks it's a pinched nerve in my neck. I'm still trying to get the bulging discs in my lower back to heal -- I've been going to physical therapy for one reason or another for 10 months now. It's getting really tiresome. I'm not suicidal, but I sometimes pray to just not wake up until the pain is all over -- which won't happen. The emotional pain of loss is always there as is the physical pain from injury. I can't seem to win. Staying busy is good - but it's hard for me to do because of my physical limitations. I am however fostering a mama dog and her 7 puppies for the Humane Society. I've had them 5 weeks now. They're getting to the point where I"m having a difficult time with them though. They're a lot of work and physically, it's difficult for me. BUT, they sure are adorable. The mama dog is just a big puppy herself -- which is dangerous. She's an 80+ lb. dog and has actually hurt me a few times by jumping up on me or trying to go after a dog while on a walk. Yesterday I was playing fetch with her in the yard and she came charging back and plowed right into me, knocking me over. I may be having to have the humane society make other arrangements for her as I can't risk another injury. The puppies are close to being weaned - I'm not sure how much longer after that I'm supposed to keep them. They're wearing me out that's for sure. They are adorable though. I don't attend that chat room you mentioned. I did a few times after Chela died but found ALLN and started going there every Wed. night. I don't go too much anymore -- it seems to make my grief worse than better. The sadness when someone loses a pet is just too raw for me right now. I know I need to let the tears come - and I do let them come but going to the chats was like ripping open a wound again. I'll go back when I feel stronger and can support those who need support but for now, I have to just avoid things that rip my heart open. I hope you're doing OK. I know what you mean about not caring - I don't care much either except the desire to get out of this physical pain drives me to push forward. I know my girls would want me to be happy. It would break their hearts to know they've caused me so much sadness. So, for them, I am trying to get through the hurt and emptiness. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon. Elizabeth I dropped a tear in the ocean today, when you find it is when I'll stop missing you. ~Unknown~

Elaine, The pain is almost unbearable at times. I know you miss Rocky so much your heart just aches - I know mine does. When I think about Casper my first thoughts are I miss her so much I hurt and then Chela comes into mind and I just hurt more. I miss them so much. Even though I had them for so many years I still feel cheated. When you love them, there is never enough time. Even when you realize every day with them is a gift and you love and appreciate that gift, it's still heart wrenching when they leave you. In many of the grief books I've read they all seem to equate it much like the death of a child. Our bonds can go that deep - even though logically we know we should out live them, it feels wrong that they go first - a parent doesn't expect to out live their child. Of course we also worry about what would happen to them if we did go first. Who would love them like we do? It's better for them that they go before us but those left behind are left without that unconditional love and pure acceptance. It's hard and painful to learn how to move forward without them physically in our arms and lives. But, we do find a way eventually. There is still life left for us to live -- otherwise we wouldn't still be here. Other animals are out there that need our love and we'll find them - or they'll find us when the time is right. I know I'll open my heart again to that love. It won't be the same -- there is no replacing a lost loved one -- but it'll be love none-the-less and our lives will be enriched by a new life. It hurts too much to think about the future without our furry babies in them - so we take it a day -- sometimes even just a moment -- at a time. We learn how to adjust to this new life of ours -- where our beloved animals live in our hearts instead of in our day-to-day existence. They deserve to be mourned and memorialized and then I believe they would want us to be happy again. I know with my girls, they would get so anxious when I was crying and upset. They'd come and lick the tears from my face, wag their tails, get a toy, bring me something to make me smile. It was like their whole purpose was to bring me joy and they were so good at it. They wouldn't want me to hold onto their last moments or days and cry non-stop. They'd want me to be happy. I'm sure your Rocky would want the same. It's not a betrayal to find happiness again, it's an honor to them that we do. It's almost impossible at times to think of being happy again -- at least it is for me -- but I look forward to that day when my memories bring more smiles than tears. We need to allow ourselves to heal and we can start that by not beating ourselves up for what we did or didn't do when they were here. Accept that they were our joys while they were here and are still alive and well in our hearts and in whatever place we all end up when we transition from this life into the next. I trust the creator of such wonderful, amazing creatures to do what's best for them in the next life, and I trust that eventually, I won't hurt so darn much.

Dear Trina, You're not alone - even though I know you feel alone. Having an unsupportive husband no doubt makes the grief seem worse because the person closest to you doesn't understand. There are many here who completely understand your grief and sadness. The bond you had with your kitty goes very deep, so the loss is going to go very deep. She knew you loved her and she loved you too. I laid on the floor next to my dog's bed several nights petting her and telling her how much I loved her when she was so sick from her surgery. I actually prayed that she'd go peacefully at home with me holding her like that because the vet's office was so stressful for her but it wasn't meant to be. She had cancer and was in so much pain, that I had to have her put down -- it was 2 days before Christmas. I just couldn't let her stay and suffer just to be with me. I know your grief is unbearable right now -- and it probably will be for awhile. It's not something that one day you wake up from and you're fine. It takes months to get through it and it's so hard. All you can really do is take it one day, or even one moment at a time. Tell your husband as gently as you can that he's not helping you any by telling you to get the "f" over it. It's not something you get over, it's something you get through. just like when you lose a human family member, it takes time. You've lost a member of your family and they deserve your attention right now. Try and be kind to yourself and take care to eat nutritiously and get as much rest as you can. I lost my dog Chela in March and then in Dec. I lost my dog Casper and I'm a mess most of the time. I can't even sleep without medication. I'm just pushing through each day as best as I can trying to accept this horrible hole in my heart and soul. I hope you get the support you need here since your husband isn't being helpful. He just doesn't understand. Just know you aren't alone. Yes, we each have our own grief process to go through but sharing it with others who understand helps lesson the pain a tiny bit. There are chat lines you can join that deal with petloss - and I've found them to be very helpful. Hang in there and remember when things get overwhelming - just take one moment at a time. Remember Priscilla isn't in any pain and she's at peace. Take care, Elizabeth

Christa - I'm so saddened by your loss. It reminds me of my situation. It's always been just me and my dogs. I had to put both down last year. Chela was 17 and her body was just giving out on her. She started vomiting blood. I knew that I couldn't put her through the hell of tests, I promised her when her health started to decline I wouldn't put her through anything traumatic. So, in March when she was throwing up blood, I knew it was time for me to help her go. I was so devastated. She'd been with me almost my entire adult life. I'd had her since she was a little puppy. I still had Casper though. Casper got rather depressed so I tried to give her even more attention than the norm. I doted on both her and Chela so I gave her the time I would have given Chela but kept our routines as much the same as possible. In Nov. I found a lump on her neck. It was right before Thanksgiving. I thought it was just a welt but the vet wanted to remove it. It turned out to be cancer. Dec. 14th she had a second surgery to remove another small lump and to do a biopsy of a lymph node to see if it had spread. She never recovered from that surgery. She struggled to eat and then just stopped eating. Then she started having severe pain in her back legs. She'd just cry out in pain every time she'd try to get up and move. My regular vet was out of town and the fill in basically told me she was suffering and I was only delaying the inevitable. Her pain was too much - her cries and the look she'd give me to help her. So, on Dec. 23, I let that vet put her to sleep. She was 13. I didn't realize how much I had been leaning on her for emotional support until she wasn't there anymore. I told both my girls every day several times a day their entire lives how much I love them and needed them. That first time I went home and saw no happy face in the window to greet me, it broke me inside. Something just gave out and I sat in my car and just wailed with grief. I finally made it inside and wailed some more. I just lay on the floor unable to move. When Chela died, my body went into complete weirdness. I couldn't eat, sleep, or really function. The days felt endless. I started having horrible panic attacks and when I went to the doctor for help,he gave me anti anxiety medication. I still need it to sleep. Between Chela's passing and August, I lost 50 lbs. Food made me want to vomit most of the time and so I was forcing myself to eat -- half I'd keep down, much I threw up. When Casper died, something inside just feels completely broken. For a month I went home every night after work to a completely empty home and every night it broke my heart all over again. Friends were telling me I should get another puppy to have something to give my love and attention to but I didn't want a puppy. I wanted my dogs back. Two of the people on a grief chat I go to suggested maybe I foster a dog. It would help the dog to have a place to live for awhile and I'd have something to keep me company. No long term commitment. I said no. Then, on the news, I heard the Humane Society needed fosters for some of their dogs. Long story short, I'm now fostering a dog and her 7 puppies. I picked all 8 of them up the day the puppies were born. They haven't removed my grief, but they have helped with the emptiness of my home. I won't be keeping any of them but having them there to keep me company while I cry and work through this grief journey has helped. I contacted a free animal communicator on Dogster and what she told me did NOT help me in the least. Please be very careful. There are many out there who will take advantage of you when you're in such grief. Elaine-you loved Rocky. You didn't cause his death. I know it's our nature to blame someone -- most easily ourselves -- but doing so only rips open your pain. You knew Rocky loved it outdoors, you honored that. Please hold on to the wonderful memories instead of the last moments. You didn't cause him to be killed. You loved him and hopefully you'll understand that try as we might, we can't protect them from life and trying to take away something they love (Rocky going outside), would be depriving them of so much enjoyment. Please forgive yourself for letting him go outside. You didn't kill your best friend. You are not to blame.

Maggie's Mon - I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so heart breaking to have to put one of our angels down. It's such a difficult decision and so painful - but it's the kindest thing we can do for them. We do it out of our love for them. I know that daze you walk around in. It is still very hard for me. When Chela died in March, by July, I'd lost 50 lbs. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was so sick to my stomach all the time. The trauma has just been horrible. Then when Casper had to go, it just devastated me. I'm still walking around in a daze - just existing, not living much. My home was so empty, every time I'd go home from work I'd sit out in my car and just cry my head off because I knew there'd be no excited girl to greet me. I ended up fostering a dog and her puppies just to take away the empty feeling of my home. It hasn't eliminated the grief, but it's taken out some of the sting to have something living to occupy my time. It's so devastating when our babies die. Some people do understand and are supportive but at the same time, we each have to go through the grief in our own way. Whatever it takes to numb some of that pain. I'm exhausted too but can't sleep without medication. I've been having anxiety/panic attacks since June and can't seem to make it through a night without medication. It's been hell. I pray we all get through it the best way we can and that we can find some peace somewhere. You're not alone either. People do understand your pain and your grief. Please hang in there. Elizabeth

Elaine, I know that guilt well. On the Saturday before Mother's Day in 1998 my dog Coco wanted to chase the cat out of my rose garden. I was so tired of the cats using my garden as a litter box and I knew she wouldn't catch the cat so I let her. Usually, she'd just chase them to the end of her yard but for some reason she decided to chase it further. I caught up with her two houses down and she was on a neighbor's porch eating cat food. So, I looked to see if the neighbor was home so I could apologize and offer to pay for replacement food. She wasn't there, so I took my sweet girl home. That night she was throwing up and I thought it was because she doesn't normally eat cat food and it upset her stomach. By the next morning, she could hardly walk so I rushed her to the animal hospital. We had just barely arrived and brought back when the vet went to get something. I was holding her on the exam table when she went into a seizure. I yelled for help and the vet came back and sedated her. They ran blood work on her and long story short, she had antifreeze poisoning. They did all they could to save her but it was too late. Had I known immediately that's what she'd been eating and gotten her immediately to a vet then they might have been able to save her life but I didn't think that about my neighbor. May 11, she was struggling to breathe and her organs were failing her, so I let the vet euthanize her to end her suffering. Though I know it wasn't me who poisoned her, I still blame myself for letting her chase that cat. She was only 4. She'd probably be gone by now but all those years I didn't have her with me still haunt me. I reported the incident to the police and they investigated but could never prove anything. 3 other animals on my block died within a two day period of time. The lady denied it but even the police suspected it to be true. They just couldn't find evidence that it was her. I struggled for a very long time with wishing hell to reign down on her. I was so angry. It took a very long time to push through those emotions. With Chela and Casper, I feel guilty - like I didn't do enough to save them -- though there really wasn't anything I could have done. I still feel I failed them. I have a lot of deep seeded grief and a lot of anger - at what I don't know. Just the fact that my girls aren't with me anymore and I'm alone. It's so heartbreaking to say goodbye to them. I guess it's because we love them so hard, we're going to grieve hard. Unfortuneately, there's no getting around it. We have to go through it and process all these horrible feelings. I know time will help us adjust to life without them and we'll be able to think of them with more joy than pain but for now, it hurts like hell. There's a quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay that I really like. "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." I don't know about you but I need some of this hell to lighten up. I'm so not right with the world as it is. It just all feels so wrong and alien to me and i don't like it at all. I know I will get through it but I will not be the same person. It changes you. I'm hoping though that someday I'll be able to let the pain go and enjoy and laugh at the wonderful time we did have together. Instead of being haunted by their last moments-which were just a tiny blip in the whole picture, I'll be able to dwell more on their lives and how blessed I was to have them in my life for awhile. Elizabeth

Elaine, what a beautiful story. I so long for that peace and calm. Since losing my Casper in Dec., I can't seem to find any peace at all. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope that peace and comfort will come. Elizabeth

So much has happened since I last posted here. I was smack in the middle of mourning the loss of my dog Chela. I was at the park walking my remaining dog Casper. I was knocked over by an off leash dog and ended up breaking my leg. After 8 weeks on crutches, my back couldn't handle it anymore and I've been spending the past 5 months trying to nurse it back to health. In Nov. I found a lump on my dog Casper. She'd just celebrated her 13th birthday. At first I thought it was a welt but when it didn't go down or appear to heal, I had my vet look at it. Casper had surgery the Monday before Thanksgiving to have it removed. She wasn't bouncing back very well from the surgery - not wanting to eat much. I took her back in on Dec. 7th and the vet gave her a steroid shot to help boost her appetite. She then went over the lab results. My dear precious baby had cancer. The vet wanted to do a biopsy to see if it had spread but I wanted to wait a week so Casper would be stronger from having a better appetite. The second surgery was Dec. 14th. Bless my little girl, she didn't bounce back from this surgery. She almost completely stopped eating and she was having pain in her back legs and couldn't really walk very well. I took her to the vet on the 21st for another steroid shot and some pain medication. The vet did blood work which showed her liver wasn't functioning and filtering out the toxins. So, she showed me how to insert an IV needle and sent me home with fluids and sedatives. Monday was a rough night, Tuesday I went back and my regular vet was out of town but the sub vet gave me pain medication and tried that all day. I took her in that evening and he was so cold and unsympathetic. He gave her a pain shot and told me to increase her pain meds. That night she was in so much pain. Nothing I did seemed to help for very long. I gave her sedatives and pain meds alternately every few hours but they weren't strong enough to help her. Every time she'd try to get up, she'd cry out. She was trying to crawl away from her back legs. Her breathing was so labored. All night I laid on the floor next to her bed trying to comfort her and telling her it was OK for her to go be with Chela. I so wanted her to die at home where there'd be no fear. There were a few times when her breathing got really shallow and I thought she was maybe going but then she'd sit up like something had startled her. She'd lay back and lick my hand or my face and she'd go back to sleep again breathing really labored. I couldn't stand to see her suffering so much, so the next morning, Dec. 23, I took her in and said goodbye to her. Her euthanisia wasn't the peaceful event it should have been. The vet was a stranger, he was cold and heartless, and she was scared to be there. Had my regular vet not been out of town, it would have been a more peaceful experience for both of us but it was traumatic and painful and it breaks my heart that her end was like it was. Had I been able to manage her pain and eat for her, I would have done it so that she could have had a more comforting end. But, I couldn't manage her pain and I couldn't let her starve. I feel so sick inside. Both of my girls gone within 9 months of each other. I'm so heartbroken I can barely function. I do get some comfort in my belief that they are now together and no longer in any pain but it's so hard for me to be here without them with me. Combine my emotional pain with my physical pain (I'm in pain from my back and knee 24/7 but can't take pain meds as they make me ill) and I'm barely hanging on here. I miss both my girls so much I can barely breathe. I've since been able to speak to my regular vet and she assures me that I did the right thing but I still feel like I completely failed both my girls. If I hadn't agreed to that second surgery, maybe Casper would still be here and able to enjoy life. Cancer in the innocent just seems so wrong. I'm feeling completely lost and alone and I don't know how to get through this. I try and take it a day at a time but it's so hard. Sometimes, I can't imagine one more minute of this hell I'm in. It's just too overwhelming.

Keesha's mom-I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so painful and difficult when our babies leave us. My baby dog Chela died March 19th of this year. She was 17-years old. I'm still heartbroken and cry on a daily basis. It's part of the healing process. The more I cry, the less anxiety I feel, so I just let the tears come when they need to. This weekend, I'm finally well enough to hold a memorial for her. With everything I've read, it's supposed to help the healing process. There are dozens of books out there on your grief and it helps to read them. So far all I've read indicates that this intense grief is normal and to be expected. It helps to hear that when you think you're coming apart at the seams. There are also a few really good grief chatlines. It really helps to share with those who understand your grief and the depth of the pain you're in. I hope you are able to find peace! Please take extra gentle care with yourself in the days to come.

Thank you Marty. My doctor has given me a sleeping pill but after I woke up from taking it I didn't feel rested at all. I did sleep but I felt just as tired as when I went to bed. I will try those suggestions on the link you sent. THANK YOU for trying to help. I need something before my nerves go nuts.

Thank you Boo and Jackson's Mom for the information. It helps a little knowing it's normal but I'm going nuts trying to find some equilibrium again. I don't know if I"m having bad dreams but going to bed stresses me out. Then, waking up in the morning, I wake up stressed and anxious still. I'm hyper sensitive to medications so I try to avoid those but I have been taking OTC sleep aids to help me sleep. I don't know if they could be the cause of my morning anxiety or not. It's all just so weird. My medical doctor told me that I'm physiciologically reacting to the death of my dog just as others react to the death of a child. It's a physical response to the psychological trauma of the loss. It's been so hard to cope. I work at a university and we have a health center with therapists. I've been going once a week for two weeks now. It's still too soon to tell if it's going to help or not. My biggest issue I think is that my health went down hill so rapidly following Chela's passing. It's like I'm dealing with the loss of my health as well as my baby and it's been really hard. If my sleep would improve, I'm sure my health would too but it's been a very delicate balance that's easily upset. I don't have family, so it's been a rather lonely process for me. My friends understand to an extent but it's just not the same as someone being there with you to hold your hand while you cry. I was doing so-so until I took my other dog to the vet and overheard the vet telling another patient's mom that her cat had cancer and there was nothing that could be done. It broke my heart. It was like reliving the event all over again and I've been a mess since then. I just need a break from it all. I feel mentally and physically exhausted but sleep just causes me more anxiety and stress than it should. My one respite should be sleep and it's not so I'm struggling to find that balance again. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond. I come to places like this I guess to get validation that I"m not going nuts. Thanks for letting me share.

I had to put my 17-year-old dog Chela to sleep on March 19 and I have been literally battling illness ever since. Every morning I wake up fighting the urge to vomit, I don't sleep well at night even when I medicate myself. I feel stressed out and anxious throughout the entire day. I'm rarely hungry but I force myself to eat and then battle not to throw up afterwards. I know this is all part of the grief process but I don't know how to cope with it very well. I sometimes feel like I'm going out of my head. If the physical ailments would calm down, I could actually allow myself to process the loss but with the physical so powerful and in the forefront of my existence I'm not sure how to get to a point where I can properly mourn the loss of my best friend. I can't even take a nap during the day because right as I'm drifting off to sleep, I wake up in a total panic. Any advice on how I can regain my health? I've had losses in my life before but nothing has ever hit me this profoundly for this long.