DeeGee

Valley, Your post made me smile. God bless you and lead you in your goal for the coming year - to find joy in life once again. What more legacy can our loved ones leave us than for us to once again seek joy? I am not at two weeks yet. A year seems like an impossible journey to me right now. But I know that time passes, 24 hours at a time. I know that my husband would not want me to be sad forever. Well, he would want me to be sad for a while - because he was a bit of a vixen, that man! Anyways, my best wishes for you today on this anniversary of his passing. Take care of yourself, Dee

Dear Mary Linda, Oh, honey. I feel for you. And hope you are feeling at least a little better as you read this. I would like to discuss family situations. I don't exactly know what your situation was/is with your husband's family because I am new here. I am having some unkind thoughts and some anger about my husband's family at this time. He died from cancer last week (I can't even believe it has been a week already!) His identical twin brother with whom he was very close last saw him on Wednesday prior to his death on Saturday. That is the last day John was up out of the hospital bed to a chair. Earlier in the day I had gone out for about an hour to purchase some groceries, leaving John in the care of his brother and a very close male friend. When I retured home the friend told me that John had wanted to go to the bathroom to urinate - he needed assistance with this but he did it, by God - so they were both helping him and apparently did not make it in to the bathroom in time and he urinated in his PJ bottoms and underpants. "And we got him all cleaned up and changed and back into bed" the friend told me very matter-of-factly and with what sounded like some pride that they had accomplished this so well. His brother said not much of anything and left shortly thereafter. The next morning (Thursday) he called me around 10:00 am, asked how John was doing and I told him he was quiet and not in any pain. He then said "Do you mind if I don't come over there today?" and I told him "No, not at all. You surely need to take a day for yourself. Why not try to get in a visit with your grandchild if you can? Doing that has sure helped me through this." He never called me back that day at all and he never called me the next morning (Friday) at all. John's sisters had been urging me for several to make an appointment to meet with the funeral director to work out the details on a "pre need" basis, feeling it would be easier on me than waiting until he had actually passed and it was obvious that it was imminent. So early Friday morning I finally felt I could do it and I called and made an appointment for 2:30 that afternoon. I waited until around 10:00am and then called over to the brother's house and asked if he wanted to accompany me for this. (He does not work, is on disability but gets around just fine. And he does not have committments of his time other than a very occasional doctor appointment) He answered "No, I couldn't handle that" Okay. My daughter went with me with John's one sister and her husband here. By this time John was basically comatose, but with eyes half open. Not thrashing about or crying out or anything like that. All he required was mouth care with one of those little sponge thingys from time to time. We were only gone for 2 hours tops. I kissed John goodnight at 1:30 am, telling him I was going to try to get some sleep now. Turned off the lights and fell asleep on the sofa, 5 ft. from his hospital bed in the living room - where I had been sleeping for the prior week that we had a hospital bed. When I awoke at 7:00 am he was gone. His brother was the first one I called, even before I called the Hospice nurse to tell her of the death. When I told him John was gone his words to me were "I'm glad it's over." Yep, that's what he said first. Not "I'm so sorry" or anything like that. Not "Are you okay? Do you need any help?" Nothing like that at all. I asked if he wanted to come over and see him and he said "No, no. I couldn't do that!" (Hospice had told me this could be done if it was desired.) So I just said to him "Well, do you think you could call your sisters and let them know he's gone, because I have to call the Hospice Nurse and their will be paperwork and details and phone calls.) And he said yes, he would call them. Now, when I called my daughter (John was her stepfather for 20 months) , she immediately offered to come over. I told her no, she has a little one and husband to care for and the nurse would be here with me, she could come over later on, after the funeral home had come and gone. I asked her to call her brother (who was very close to John hroughout the almost 20 years we were together) and to wait a while and then call my mother who is in her late 80's with some slight dementia. And it was only 10 minutes later when my daughter-in-law, who lives fairly closeby, called and asked if I wanted her to come down. And again, I told her no, that I was okay, the nurse was on her way and that she and my son both needed to be there to tell their boys - ages 9 and 11 and John had a very close and loving relationship with each of them from the day they were born. Now I know the twin brother was devastated by his brother's illness. He spent many, many hours with John over the past 14 months and I was able to count on him to take John to the very few doctor's appointment that I could not attend. And he took him daily for 10 days for radiation treatments in June. So why am I angry that he never even came to see his brother in his final two days on this earth? What is making you angry at Tom's family? Maybe we can work this out together. By the way, John's service was Wednesday. I had to go and pick up his ashes on Friday and take them to the Veteran's cemetery for burial at 12:30 that day. No service there because we had the formal military service at the funeral home on Wednesday. But I extended the invitation for family members to come down with me to see the cemetery and see his final resting place. NO ONE called wanting to go, not even his son who is in from out West. (Oh, and that's another whole story. When son learned dad's death was coming soon - like about two weeks prior to the death, he "didn't want to have to make two trips") No one called Friday or Saturday to ask if things went okay, nothing. With love to all who grieve, Dee

"My husband never talked about dying, not really. The whole time he was fighting cancer we talked about him getting well." This is also the way it was with us. Even when it got to the point where things were becoming really bad, he never initiated a conversation about dying, so neither did I, of course. In terms of people telling you what to do, at the WAKE (luncheon after the services) yesterday, my dear, batty mother sat there and said to me "Well, you need to get rid of all his clothes immediately. Do it tomorrow! And then go right back to work! That will take your mind off things. Don't you remember how I gave your father's clothes to ______ (a nephew) as soon as they got into town?" And I just said "Yes, mother, I do remember that." (Yes, I remember coming into your home along with my daughter after having gone out to the store and seeing my nephew sitting there wearing the nice, brand new pair of Doc Martin shoes that my daughter had lovingly purchased and given to her grandfather as a Christmas gift only two weeks prior!) I was married to my first husband for over 25 years and the pain was great when the divorce came. And I remember being told that divorce is like a death. I think in the sense there is a grieving process involved regarding the "death of the relationship" in a divorce that is true. But still, it was certainly not the same as this. I have decided that what I am going to do is just say "Thank you for your input" and let it go at that. I am grateful to have found this site .... it really helps to read the posts. Oh, and - two years ago a younger friend died suddenly of an acute illness. We had a gathering of family and friends at home, lit a large "memorial candle" with his picture beside it. I had written a eulogy and read it, then we went around and everyone present said something about their interactions with him. It was great - we laughed and we cried. Dee

Hello, I am new here. My husband, age 60, died on Saturday morning. I was reading here for about three days before he passed. I cared for him here at home, had Hospice for one week prior to his death. I am a retired nurse, so I could handle the nursing care. The emotional aspect of it was very tough. He was conscious and able to get up to use the bathroom until 5 days prior to his death, so I guess it could have been a lot worse. John was diagnosed with Stage IV kidney cancer in June 2008. Had the kidney and ureter removed and when the doctor came out after the surgery he was honest and told me that it was bad, the cancer was outside of the kidney capsule and into the muscles of his back, that he got as much as he could out but that John would need to begin chemo as soon as he healed from the surgery. I continued to work, scheduling almost all of his doctor's appointments, chemo and radiation around my working hours, which are 8-1:30 so that worked pretty good. I work part time - 5 hours per day, Mon-Thurs. - as a clinical instructor at a local post-secondary "career training" type school. I made the decision to keep my job and continue to work, feeling it would be best for both of us and also we needed the money with him on disability income. It is a year-round school but I took a month off for his surgery and immediate post surgical recovery at home, then returned to work. His brother who no longer works due to disability then would come over on days I worked - mainly to fetch things for him because by then he didn't really need nursing care. The reason I am responding on this thread is that when I am reading that some of you are going through this without medication, that just astounds me! As a nurse, I would not have even tried to get through this without an antidepressent. I have taken Zoloft, at my doctor's recommendation, since right after he was diagnosed. I have not had any problems with it and no side effects that I have noticed. (Well, I shouldn't say that. It makes me sweat some times. But it is not awful or anything. Kind of like a baby hot flash.) I also have taken a very occaisional 0.5 mg Xanax (an antianxiety medication) usually at night when I had trouble sleeping and knew I had to go to work the next day. Plus, maybe 3-4 times over the past 14 months I would take a half pill when I was really "losing it" - crying uncontrollably over some latest bad news usually. It makes me sleepy so I don't like to take it when I have things to do or must drive. Please, please, I urge those of you who are suffering to see either your family doctor or ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (I like a psychiatrist because they are a Medical Doctor first, then go on to specialize in disorders and diseases of the mind. They really, really know their medications and how they work in the body.) I have not had any outside counseling throughout this but I do have a lot of support from my daughter and several other friends. But today I did meet with the grief counselor from the Hospice Team. Three meetings with her are part of the Hospice program and I plan to take advantage of them. The funeral will be Tuesday and Wednesday. My only sister who lives on the West Coast (I am in the East) will be in for a week beginning tomorrow, so I look forward to seeing her, despite the circumstances. I am hurting badly but feel that I am going to survive this. Maybe I am just still in shock. It is so soon that I haven't gotten to the lonliness yet, but I know it will come. I think I survived the past year by being busy, busy all the time. I also wanted to share that if anyone is looking for some volunteer work to do that will get them out there and is very rewarding - look for a charity in your area that services young, single mothers. Which a lot of my students happen to be, because the school has a relationship with government services that offer single welfare mothers the opportunity to get training in order to be able to support themselves and their children. These gals are able to get baby clothes and equipment, diapers, and formula by going and watching films on parenting skills, first aid for children, etc.. They get "credit" for the learning experience, which they then can "spend" on goods. I just thought this was such a good thing all the way around that I have urged both of my children to donate all of the grandkid's outgrown clothing, toys and equipment to this charity. So when you volunteer you sort baby clothing, which is kind of fun, and work with the moms who usually have their kids with them. And these girls need nurturing role models so badly that you get to give your knowledge and experience with raising kids to them, plus learn all the "latest" chilld rearing techniques and reccommendations. Well, it is 3:00 am so I am going to try to sleep. (Fell asleep exhausted on sofa at around 7:00 pm after shopping for a black dress and a black pantsuit today). Woke up at 1:00 am. I do notice that I get tired out very easily and that my ability to stay focused on tasks - just things like I need to do laundry and I forget that I need to go down and change loads, I was upstairs and started to clean up the bathroom, got distracted, and forgot all about it until I went back upstairs much later on in the day. I cry on and off throughout the day, could take medication but I don't because I know this needs to come out. Thank you for listening to me. I offer my deep sympathy to each and every one of you who reads this. It's a heartbreaking experience, that's for sure. I supported my Mom through my Dad's sudden death 7 years ago and they were both in their 80's and it was still hard. Plus it has different ramifications at that age. Take care of yourself, Dee P.S. John and I had known each other for 30+ years, had a 19 year relationship as a couple and legally married for the last two of them. (Married 6 months prior to his diagnosis, planning a nice, long retirement together. Both married prior - I have two adult children and three grandchildren, all of whom live closeby. He has one child who lives out-of-town, was due in this evening and will stay with the mom (husband's ex-wife who called and wanted to come visit him last week, which was fine with me. We hugged and both of us cried).