DeeGee

I am so sorry that you too have had to go through not only the death of your loved one but also the mistreatment and being ignored by his family members. It does make a horrible time even more horrible. I was in a 20 year relationship with my husband, married to him for the last 20 months of his life. As it happened, we made the decision to marry 6 months prior to his diagnosis with cancer. My husband had a job with good benefits that involved health insurance, life insurance, and a pension. But I came into the marriage more financially stable and with more resources than he had. And there was no prenuptial. For all the years of our relationship my husband had his son named as beneficiary on his work insurance policy. Even at the time of our marriage, I did not ask him to change that. Then, 6 months prior to his death, HE contacted his work and changed the policy to name me as his beneficiary. WELL, two days after the funeral his son verbally attacked me over this. This 30 year old brat, who lives out of state and had last been in town 9 months prior and had visited with his father for exactly ONE HOUR during that visit, had called my husband's place of work to "find out whose name was on the insurance policy" and "could not believe I was getting everything". So, unfortunately, this is the kind of stuff that some of us encounter. As for the remainder of my husband's family, I had one sister at the luncheon after the funeral service asking if she could come over the next day to "reclaim" a piece of furniture that had been in her family. Fine, I allowed it. I've never heard from the woman since. Nor have I heard from the other sister OR his twin brother! So there you go. I know it sounds harsh, but save yourself the heartbreak of thinking that his children will offer you any kind of comfort at all. They won't. When all they are looking for are the dear man's assets that quickly after his death, it tells you a lot about the character of that person. Along with writing thank you notes for flower arrangements, I sat and wrote personal thank you notes to each of my husband's siblings for any and all assistance they had given to him during his illness (and it wasn't all that much, believe me) and for their attendance at the viewings and the funeral. None of them ever has called me to see how I am doing. Not a call or a Christmas card over the holidays from any of them, and I know the one sister has the entire family to her house EVERY Christmas, because John and I went every year. Who needs these kind of people in their life?

Oh, Suzzane! I am so sorry that you are in so much pain right now. My sympathy and condolences for your loss. I see that you are just at the three month mark. For whatever reason, that was a really down time for me also. I think maybe because around then the initial numbness had worn off and the reality that, like you, I am never going to see or talk to my husband again - ever - kicked in. And, also like you, at that point I actually felt worse than I ever had. I was very bad for about a month or so and then it started to lift a bit. It will be eight months since John died on the 29th. Things have gotten easier for me. I'm not as sad all the time as I was. I don't cry as often. So I guess I would say that I personally have seen that it does get a little better as time passes. But I still have some very bad days, that's for sure. My husband also died of cancer, 14 months from diagnosis to death. So if it was 3 years for your husband, you had three years of being busy, busy taking care of him, going to appointments with him, shopping for him to make sure you cooked all his favorite meals, etc. and then when he became very, very ill, taking over doing things he could no longer do. All that activity, no matter how tiring it was at times, no matter how heartbreaking it was, kept us going. And then when they lose their battle, here we are. Please hang in there. Post your feelings as often as you want. It helps. DeeGee

So sorry for your loss. And no matter how well we seem to be doing, it does come back to "whack" us, doesn't it? I am going on eight months here. And I am now at the point of "expecting the unexpected". At first, when I would have a good day or even two, I thought "maybe it is finally over". Not that I wanted to forget about John, just that I wanted that terrible, terrible feeling of loss to pass. But I have now seen that sometimes the seemingly most bizarre thing will trigger a bout. The good thing, I guess, is that the tears do not last as long as they once did. So I am presuming that some type of internal healing is taking place. Your birthday? A milestone in life, right? Another milestone in which you are by yourself, without your loved one. You know, first it is the holidays, then his birthday, then an anniversary, etc. Life keeps going on and milestones keep happening. I have taken to comforting myself on my really, really bad days by lighting a memorial candle and burning it all day long. When I blow it out at bedtime I say to myself "Goodnight, sweetie. I've gotten through the day." Don't know why, but that comforts me. DeeGee

About 2 months ago I took John's clothing out of his closet and drawers, producing 5 huge bagsfull. Anything that was not in perfect condition I discarded. I was then unable to do anything with the clothes, so the bags just sat. Then, just last week, I was outside talking to my neighbor (finally outside after the long, snowy winter indoors here in the Northeast U.S.)and I know that both her husband (about John's age) and her teenage son have the same tall, slim body type that John had. Out of nowhere I asked "Do you think your guys would wear some of John's clothes? I am about to give them to charity and some of the things are very nice." She said "Oh, yes! That would be wonderful! Things have been so tight for us for so long now, Bob has not worked for almost a year now and we can use any help we can get." So the bags of clothing went to them and I told her they should take anything they like and can use and then to just give away or donate what they don't want. That I do not want any of them back. So perhaps one day I will see one of John's shirts or one of his coats on one of the neighbor guys. And that will be a good thing. But, speaking of hoarding, John's job required that during the summer months he wear a short sleeved T-shirt of either bright orange or chartreuse green. The company provided them, and each is custom embroidered with the company emblem and the worker's first name. As it happened, shortly before he became too ill to work any longer, John had just received his allottment of 6 green and 6 orange T shirts. I could not get rid of those brand new, never worn T shirts! If there was another worker with his name at the company, I would have passed them back, but I know there is not. For now, they reside in a small duffel bag sitting on the floor in the closet. The only use I can think of for them right now is that once in a while my two older grandsons will stay overnight, and there have been times when I have provided them one of John's T shirts to use as PJs. So they will have lots of PJs here, should they need them. Actually, in writing this, the more I think of that, the more I like it. Perhaps I will pass the duffel bag on to their mother!

Hi jmb, and welcome. I want to give you my condolences for the loss of your sister. And your other losses too. I am sure no expert. Just another person here. My husband died 7 months ago after a 14 month battle with cancer. The end for him went similarly to what you are describing, as he was only semi-conscious for the last three days. And to answer your question, yes, I think the grief that you feel when someone dies also brings back the grief that you felt for other deaths and other losses. I know that for those first months I was just sad and upset about everything. Don't give up on this board yet. You will get other replies - probably better than mine. Just give it a little time. In the meanwhile, again, my condolences. I hate feeling this grief, by the way. It is just awful. DeeGee

frau, My condolences to you for the loss of your beloved husband. My husband John also died from kidney cancer. Also a Vietnam veteran, ground forces, marine combat veteran 1967 - 1968 with lots and lots of Agent Orange exposure. Kidney cancer is not a recognized Agent Orange condition, however. My husband, named John. died seven months ago. I will be applying for Medicare about 6 months from now. I decided to retired from my part-time job after his death. I have not begun my "new life" yet. Just surviving at this point. My husband died 14 months from the time of his diagnosis. He lost about 60 -70 pounds. He had the kidney removal, the chemo and the radiation. Then it metastacized to his spine, which was just agony for him. And the pain meds dulled it but never really took away the pain. I cared for him at home, had hospice for the last 10 days. Meaning a nurse came three times in 10 days. He died at home,in a hospital bed in the living room. I miss him every day. I suspect I always will. DeeGee

To Angie, First of all my condolences to you for the loss of your husband. My husband died from kidney cancer 6 months ago. He was sick for 14 months from day of diagnosis to his death. Fortunately we live near a city with much excellent health care and he had very good insurance. None of it helped. I want to let you know that I have three beloved grandchildren. And they are the light of my life and they visit and I babysit them a lot. But not for the world could I manage to be around them 24/7. And their parents seem to know and accept this. So there may be some thinking on the part of your son and/or his wife that they would maybe want to move on and live alone as a family but they are planning to stay to help you. Consider this into the equation. Also, I had my daughter and her husband move in with me for 6 months while they were building their home. They had no children at the time. It was supposed to be 3 months and turned into 6 months. And we love each other dearly, but everyone was REALLY glad when they were able to move into their own home once again. My sister came and stayed with me for a week after my husband died. I felt a little sense of relief when I put her on the plane to go back home. I just wanted to be alone in my own home to grieve. I have been on my own since then. For me, I think this is best. I have the kids over for "overnights" and go visit them often. But this is my home and I figure I may as well get used to living here by myself. Just one more perspective, DeeGee

I have just passed the six month mark for having lost my husband to cancer. I still read here a lot, but have not posted much lately. I guess because I feel it is the same old, same old. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I am doing better on the crying. Still not going out all that much, but since New Years it has been nothing but snow here where I live in the northeast. I agree with others here. I don't think this is something that you ever "get over". I think you just learn to live with it. There is a song from years ago by Don Henley of The Eagles called "The Heart of The Matter". One of the lines in that song was "I'm learning to live without you now...." That's what I'm doing. Learning to live without him. And I don't like it one bit. And I surely don't like some the platitudes I've heard as I get out a little more, such as "Well, life goes on" and "Well, it's been six months. So what are you going to do with the rest of your life?" My condolences to all who read here. It hurts. It still hurts. DeeGee

Oh, what a great quote. I have copied it and will print it out (as soon as I can get my printer working again!) and put it on the front of my refrigerator. Well, Scarlett tackled the laundry room today. Hey, it needed to be cleaned anyway. Rolling up the soaked 5 ft. x 8 ft. fringed area rug and dragging it out to the driveway was the most challenging task. It was heavy, but I did it. Thankfully it was around 46 degrees, clear and sunny here in Pittsburgh today. So now the driveway right outside of the garage door is graced with a large, wet, multicolored fringed area rug! (Ummm, with my luck it will snow 6 inches tonight!) As it turns out, most of the water was sopped up by the area rug, so mopping the concrete laundry room floor was no problem. I aimed two box fans, one at the wall and one at the floor, and then began the process of drying wet clothing, wet towels and wet sheets. Oh, and the laundry area has a set of deep wooden shelves, probably 10 ft. long by about 2 1/2 ft. deep, along one wall. Turns out some of that stuff got a bit "damp" also. And while poking around I found SO many things! A stack of boxes of self-stick floor tiles. Purchased on sale and intended for a floor project that never took place. Five rolls of wallpaper and four rolls of wallpaper border, another sale purchase, another project that never took place. Wow! We had PLANS, didn't we? All in all, it was a good day. Things are under control. God willing it won't rain or snow tonight and tomorrow the sun will come out again here in Pittsburgh. And tomorrow I will attempt to place folding chairs in the driveway and hoist the soggy area rug up onto the chairs. If the sun is shining. I guess I can say, while today I am no longer laughing, at least I am not crying. Oh, and there's no more water coming up out of that garage floor drain, so what more can I ask of life? DeeGee

This morning I went into the garage, which just happens to be half-filled with John's stuff. I've been slowly removing many of his things from the house but the garage is as far as I have gotten it. Just not ready for his things to be gone yet, so I decided I would just go through the winter with the car sitting outside in the driveway. Of course, we have had more snow in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania this winter than we have had for years! But okay, I'm not going out that much anymore anyways, now that I've retired. Back to this morning, I flip on the light switch and I see the outline of water all around the floor drain. Oh, no! And there is what looks like ... could that be?.... Oh, God, it looks like little bits of paper. Toilet paper. I call and get a plumber willing to come out later today. Plumber calls me on phone at 4:00, saying "I've been ringing your doorbell for 15 minutes now, lady." Turns out doorbell is not working anymore. Okay. Plumber uses electric eel and fairly promptly opens clogged main sewer line. Tells me "I had the hook on it and didn't bring anything out. And you have plastic pipe, so it wouldn't be roots. Do you have any small grandchildren who might have flushed something?" Well, yes, I do have a 4 year old grandson, but I think he's old enough to know not to flush things.......... or is he? And yes, he was here for the day about a week ago. Oh, well, I don't want to accuse the little guy, but grandma will have to have a talk with him just to remind him about toilets. Plumber says "Could you go back into your laundry room and run the water in the laundry sink on full blast so we get some water going through the system? Sure, no problem. Laundry tray faucet has a skinny little hose on it because - now why does it have this short, skinny hose on it? Oh, that was from when the old washer took forever to fill, so I would use the hose to help fill the washer faster. But the new washer fills just fine. And nobody ever took the small hose off the faucet. So I dutifully turn the water on full blast, both hot and cold side, "to get that flow going", . I then go back out into the garage. Plumber says "I don't think there's any water coming through the line" So I head back to the laundry room and discover that the pressure of that much water on the small hose has actually LIFTED the hose up into the air and there is now what looks like a squiqqly black snake, spewing a FOUNTAIN of water which is cascading off the ceiling and down one wall of the laundry room! And at that point, I had to laugh out loud! (It was laugh or cry at that point!) An entire rack of hanging clothes clean out of the dryer and hung on hangers was dripping, a folding table with freshly folded towels and sheets was soaked, a 5' x 8' rather thick area rug on the floor was so soaked that my feet went "squish, squish" when I walked across it, etc. etc. etc. BUT, it was clean water, not poop water, so for that I am grateful. Well, I got the water going with less force into the sink, the plumber pronounced the sewer line to be open and flowing just fine, so I was a happy camper. I then moved lots of stuff around in the garage with the plumber's help (he was nice) and used a hose and Clorox to clean up the concrete floor in there. Then, feeling a bit like Scarlett O'Hara, I decided to think about tackling the sopping area rug and the wet laundry room floor and the wet towels and wet folded sheets tomorrow. But, hey, I did what I had to do and I feel good about that. DeeGee

Oh, jrm, I know exactly how you feel. I've had to have surgery and filling out all the forms required me to list "Widow/er" several times. I hated it. And in the few new situations I've found myself in, I avoid talking about my "marital status". Just still too raw, I guess.

Just prior to my husband's death I went to the funeral home to "make the arrangements". Little did I know it would be the next day that he died - I thought it might be another week or so. I made the decision to have my husband's remains cremated after the viewing was over. I picked a lovely urn for the ashes, knowing I would be burying the urn at a National Veteran's Cemetery. I also chose a small, personal sized urn so that I could keep some of his ashes. For myself I chose a small (maybe 4 inches in diameter) solid brass heart shaped container. I also purchased two other small urns - one for his twin brother and one for his son. This is one of the best descisions I made. I have the brass heart sitting near a photograph of us in my living room. Sometimes I hold it. DeeGee

"Our loss is invisible and insensitive people have moved on because their life is totally unaffected. What they don't understand is that as well as missing our loved one's presence, we are missing our whole life as we knew it. Every single aspect of it." This really resonated with me. And I think many have lost a parent or a grandparent or even a sibling and while all of those are indeed also very painful losses, in many cases that particular loss does not affect your life as intensely as losing a spouse or significant other with whom you have built your entire life. I love the fire-breathing scenario. And I wish there actually were some magical pills to take to make this go away. DeeGee

kath: Thank you for this - "Being fixated on the last moments, days or even weeks was all I could do for several months. It was like none of the other 27 years even happened because I couldn't see past the ending. It takes a great deal of time and energy as your mind tries to wrap around the horror of it, but there will be a day when your memories are more encompassing than that." DeeGee

Hi Marsha, I don't know your story, but I read your post and saw your reference to your late husband as "my sweetie". That is what my husband John (gone four months) and I called each other - "Sweetie". And I had "My Sweetie" inscribed on his gravemarker. Best to you in reading this, Sweetie! DeeGee

John, My husband John was gone for three months on 11/29. I got through Thanksgiving with the support of family and then it was our second wedding anniversary in early December. (We were in a loving, committed and supportive relationship for over 17 years prior to our actual marriage. Finally made the ultimate committment - to spend our old age together - and six months later he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Unbelievable.) On the actual day, I stayed home and grieved alone. I just did not want to be with anyone that day. And yes, it did "set me back" for about a week or so. For Christmas, somehow I was stronger. I lit special candles on Christmas Eve and did not extinguish them until late Christmas night. And somehow seeing the flames of the candles comforted me. DeeGee

"My mom called and asked what was wrong, did I have a cold? I said no, I just really miss David, She replied, well there is nothing you can do about it. AND changed the subject. I wanted to scream." Your mother reminds me a lot of my mother. Need I say, sensitivity has never been one of my mother's strong points? Thank you for the quote, boo. That is really nice. mlg: Sorry you are feeling sad. Me too. DeeGee

I'm so glad Christmas is over! I guess we all got through it is all I can say. Early in the evening on Christmas Eve I sat three fat red Christmas candles in holders on the hearth in my living room. One for my beloved husband who passed in August, one for my dear nephew who passed unexpectedly two years ago, and one for my dear father who passed in 2002. I said a small prayer as I lit each candle. I allowed them to burn throughout that evening, overnight, and all during Christmas Day. Late that evening, I blew out each candle, again saying a prayer for each. My own little "ceremony" - it helped me and made me feel good. I plan to do it again on New Year's Eve. DeeGee

jrm: You are certainly dealing with alot - more, perhaps, than most of us. And I congratulate you for your fortitude in continuing to put one foot in front of the other on this journey. My husband's gravemarker has been of great importance to me. I wrote about it in the thread about "behaviors". I am glad you are feeling a sense of peace. I am hoping to feel the same thing when I visit the National Cemetery and see my husband's new gravemarker, listing the Battalion, Company, and years he served in Vietnam. We have all made it through the first Christmas. Hooray for us! DeeGee

Oh, it isn't that she wasn't happy to see me. She was. It's just that people just don't seem to get it. That all the sadness associated with the loss of a long term relationship, let alone the loss of your best friend, is not going to be "over with" in 3 or 4 months. Or maybe not even in 23 or 24 months. I'm just tired of people, ya know?

Yesterday I forced myself to go to a Christmas luncheon at the place where I used to work. Had received an email invitation from my former boss, urging me to attend. I wrote back and said "Yes, I will come. But if you could do me a favor. I am still pretty raw, and if at all possible, could you ask folks not to express condolences to me at the party? I would be a whole lot more comfortable and so will they if they will just say "Hi" to me." So I got there and people were great and said "Hi, how are you?" and then for whatever reason I started to tear up, so I quickly went to my boss's office (right down the hall, door was open) and I was using a tissue to wipe tears from my cheeks when she came into the office, looked at me and said "Oh, no! Not already!!" Now, I'm sure she didn't mean to be cruel - but that comment was NOT very sensitive. And I would have said this woman is a sensitive person. So I don't know what's up with people.

It will be three months for me on the 29th. I can't even believe that! I miss him so-o-o much. It is really lonely not to have that person to talk to with whom you discussed EVERYTHING! And I have been thinking about that lately. I have noticed that those who post here are describing relationships that were very, very close. Perhaps the grief is not as bad when the relationship was not all that close? I don't know. My best to all of you, DeeGee

It is going to be 3 months on the 29th of this month. First of all, I cannot believe my husband has been dead for three months! Secondly, do people - and I mean even loving and caring friends and family members - actually think that anyone is going to be "over" the loss of their spouse and "moving on" after THREE MONTHS? Gosh! I am just now coming to the point of really realizing that he is gone and is not coming back. And yet I see friends and family members getting upset if I start to cry. So I think this is where the "let's just not talk about him" comes from. Because I see it happening. My own mother - certainly not the most sensitive woman on the face of the earth - when I said to her recently "I really miss him so much" said --- NOTHING. She could have said "Yes, I know how that feels. I still miss your father" or something like that. But NOTHING. And when I was out visiting my sister and her daughter. If I would start to cry when talking about John, the subject would get changed immediately. Now, I am not talking about I am sitting there sobbing uncontrollably. I am just talking some tears running down my cheeks. And all I really need is a couple of tissues and maybe a pat on the back. Since almost everyone goes through it eventually, why does it seem to be so distressing to others to see someone manifesting their grief? Is it because they are already "over it" and think we should be too? And again, these are not all insensitive people. These are often people who care a lot about me. I just don't understand it.

Hello Steely, I must introduce myself to you because I was off the board for a while durin a trip to stay with my sister. I live in Pennsylvania and had to look and see where you were from when I saw your name. Thought you might have been from this area because of the Pittsburgh Steelers - hah, hah! On November 29th it will be three months since my husband died. He was sick for 14 months with kidney cancer. I was his caregiver and he died at home. We were there by ourselves when he passed. Yes, it is very, very lonely. Sometimes I call a friend, but lately I have just been trying to work my way through it - by reading, starting a household project, watching a movie. Because I think my friends and relatives are getting sick of hearing about my grief. What has happened to me for about a month now is that if I mention how much I miss my husband, the response I get is either no response at all or "well, you need to find something to do with your time". Well, steely, enough about me. I have not had the opportunity to read your story, so if you want to, I would like to hear it. DeeGee

What happened to to me recently about "getting out of the house" is that an "ex sister-in-law" (sister of my first husband from whom I was divorced but remained on friendly terms with both of his sisters - and actually all of his family)and I were talking (I called her for something else) and she invited me to attend a Saturday evening dinner at a local restaurant. She was widowed 3 years ago. She said this is a group of widows/widdowers who get together once per month for dinner at a restaurant. On Monday, the day I talked to her, it sounded like a good opportunity for me to get out among other adults. Then Wednesday of that week was Veteran's Day and I attended the ceremonies at the National Cemetery and saw my husband's gravemarker for the first time. I was not good that night and for those next days at all. When Saturday came I woke up with a feeling of dread about having said I would go out to the dinner. Frittered and fretted around here for several hours before calling my ex-sister-in-law (at this point I think I actually should just refer to her as "my friend")and finally around 1:00 PM got up the nerve to call her and beg off.... due to still having a lingering cough from having the flu, which was no lie. But I was also struck by the fact that I have been pushing myself to "return to normal" - whatever that is - at the urging of family members who have outright said to me things like "you need to get on with your life" and "you need to make a new life for yourself". And this is most undoubtedly true. But just not NOW! It is too soon for me! I guess the bottom line that I would say about this whole thing is to not be surprised if you think you want to "get back into life" and yet when the time comes to do it, you have deep inner feelings against it. DeeGee