DeeGee

jrm - Hire yourself a real estate attorney and let him/her handle all of this for you. Tell the lawyer right away about the survey and that the case involves property line issues? There are laws in many states that cover the situation where someone has been inadvertently using the property of another for many years.

I would like to add my own take from the other side of the spectrum on the value of anti-depressant medications. First of all, they are not "pain medications". Nor are they "anti-anxiety" medications. Anxiety and depression are two different things. A person can have one, or both of these conditions. Clinical depression and grief are not the same thing. BUT it is well documented that grief can set off an episode of clinical depression. So for any of us who have any type of a depressive history - or even for those who have no history of depression - any good physician will be monitoring a patient who is experiencing grief. I am a person who needs to take a maintenance dose of antidepressant medication every day. So "getting off the medication", for me, would be like a diabetic wanting to "get off" insulin. It is not something to even consider. There has been much research in treating clinical depression over the past 20 years. There are numerous medications available that are safe, well-tolerated, and taken by millions. We do not feel "medicated", we are not "masking our pain". What we are doing is preventing ourselves from sliding into a deep, deep depression. So I would advise anyone who is experiencing grief to speak freely with their doctor about these issues. They know what to look for and how to diagnose the condition. And yes, there are other solutions for clinical depression but medication. Cognitive behavioral therapy is very effective. Oh, and by the way azusaman, you need to know that alcohol in and of itself is a depressant. Meaning it can CAUSE depression. Most doctors will allow a glass of wine with dinner when taking anti-depressants, but that's about it. I was told that it is not that combining the antidepressant with alcohol will make you crazy or anything like that, but the alcohol negates the action of the antidepressant medication in the body. The big bad thing about depression is that it far too often results in suicide. That's why it needs to be treated.

Korina, I just spent two weeks visiting with my sister who lives with her daughter and three grandchildren. This is since the daughter got divorced almost two years ago. It seems to work out really well for each of them. I will say, it is a large house they are living in, so they are not on top of each other. Good luck. It surely sounds like an optimal solution for everyone. DeeGee

I am back at home after being gone to the West Coast for a nice long visit with my sister and her family. Got the H1N1 flu while there - 2 adults and 2 children got it, 1 adult and 1 child did not get it. Everyone survived okay - the kids ran high fevers, adults low grade fevers. Thanksgiving: Last year John was so weak and ill from chemo and had no appetite that we just stayed home. I cooked a small turkey and made the dinner but he could not eat it. Christmas he was a little better, simply due to timing of the chemo treatment, so we spent 1 1/2 hours at a family gathering and then he asked me if we could leave, so we did. I went back a little later on that day myself, once I got him home and settled in. This year for Thanksgiving? I have no current plans. I know there will be invitations from my children. I am unsure as to how I will feel on that day, so have decided not to make any firm plans and just wait until I see how I am doing at the time. Christmas: I have three grandchildren, so skipping Christmas is not an option. This was not a huge holiday for the two of us, ever, other than for the small children. I will put up a shortened version of my usual decorations, which is what I did last year. My son always has the gathering at his large home, so I will go there. It is close enough to my home that if I feel like leaving early I can easily do so. I always bring the spiral cut ham and make my own special scalloped potatoes, cole slaw, and pickled beets - so I will still cook. I have been certainly feeling somewhat more down along with some returning tearfulness since I have returned home. I expected it and am just allowing it to occur. DeeGee

I have never, ever in my life been as up and down with emotions as I am now. Never. Not having gone through a very painful divorce. Not having gone through the unexpected death of my beloved father to whom I was very close. This is different. Way different. Some days I seem somewhat better. Other days I am right back into the tearfulness. And yes there are times that I am angry. And another thing, there was a poster here who talked about her mother getting involved with another guy within a month after the death of her dad. I think I can now see how easily this could happen. (Not that I have any other guy lurking in the wings, but if I did, who knows? I suspect I would at least be up for going out to dinner with someone and discussing the day's news, the weather, etc.) This widowhood is a very lonely state of being. Even with the support of loving family members, which I have. My best friend, the person with whom I discussed everything is no longer here. DeeGee

Update: I went ahead and went through official channels to order John's complete service records - which I understand can take some time. Some folks say months, others say up to a year! As it happened John was a member of a Vietnam veterans reunion group - one that was specific to the Division in which he served. They maintain a website on which there is a "guestbook" where you can post messages. I put out a request for assistance from anyone who served at that same time who may have anything "official" that would confirm John's service within his specific company. Yesterday I received an email from a man who served with John who has copies of three months worth of "Day Rosters", which is a list showing each man in a company by name and service number. He says John's name appears on all three of them and he will fax them to me later today. So this will likely cut down on what could have been a long wait for the records from the National Military Personell Center.

I agree - the advice to make no changes for a year presumes the widowed person is not experiencing any financial strains. For many of us I am sure that is just not the case.

I dreamed of John once so far, after he had been gone 4 weeks or so. No dreams since then. No other signs - yet. I am open to receiving. DeeGee

Paula, That is so nice that people wanted Tom's things. I am in the situation that my husband had an identical twin and I have offered him anything he would want and he has not even responded to me to say "No thanks". And it is not a case of John not having nice things - many very, very nice sweaters, coats, etc. I have a jacket that John particularly loved and wore all the time hanging on a peg inside my front door. So every time I come in the front door I can look right at it. Have not been able to dispose of any clothing items other than two favorite T-shirts that I gave to my older grandsons the other evening. Paula, how did the spreading of the ashes go? (Or perhaps you posted about this somewhere else and I did not see it?) DeeGee

jrm, Wow! 41 years! Congratulations - that is a long, long time to be a couple! I wish you joy and peace of mind as you light your candle this evening. DeeGee

FWIW: Yes, it was difficult at first to look at the photos. But what I found as I continued along, it was less difficult and I actually got some pleasure out of doing it. So yes, I was crying at first. But I guess somewhere inside myself I really wanted to get this done so I would have it here for the boys. Part of the reason I wanted to get it ready now is that I am concerned about the memories the older boys (9 and 11) will have, because during the last months of his life John was so sick that the boys did not see him all that much. Not like they had previously. And then there was the funeral, which they attended the evening viewing and the actual funeral services the next day. I want to have them perhaps replace the funeral memories or at least enhance the funeral memories with the photos of each of them together with John at happy events throughout their young lives. Does this make any sense? DeeGee

Today I actually got out my photo albums from the last 19 years and went through them and pulled out a lot of relevant photos of John and I and John and the three grandsons over the years. And yes, I cried at times but not the whole way through this. Trying to figure out what year a certain photo was taken was such a challenge that I got distracted from the sadness at times! Of course many of these photos were taken in the "old days" when you took a roll of film to the pharmacy and had it developed. And somewhere along the way they stopped putting the date onto the printed photograph like they used to do. So I am looking at babies and toddlers and judging their ages at the time, then reconstructing which Easter or Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas it is. Kind of an interesting challenge in its own way. My intention is to create a single album which I will keep handy so when the boys come over to visit they can see the progression of both the relationship between John and I and their own part in that relationship. Next I will need to go onto my "old" computer - the one hooked up to a printer - and print out copies of photos that are stored there on the hard disk. When I put it all together I hope to have each picture dated. Oh, and here's a good "grandchild" story: At John's funeral we had two large photograph boards. And there were some photos from when we first got together as a couple, and even one photograph taken of us at a party years before we were ever "a couple". My oldest granson (11)was standing there intently studying the photo board when I came over and sat down in a chair right next to the board. The next words I heard were "Hey, R___, look how skinny Grandma used to be!" And I answered "Yes, honey, Grandma used to be skinny." And he turned his head with a striken look on his little face and said "Oh, Grandma! I'm sorry! I thought you were R______!" (His brother) So I answered "That's okay, honey! Almost every Grandma used to be skinny when they were young." Oh, out of the mouths of babes, DeeGee

Hi Fredzgirl, Have you tried talking to them frankly about this? Not in any kind of a mean way, but to just let them know that it does NOT upset you to talk about Fred, and that as a matter of fact, it comforts you. And for them to know that even if you drop a few tears at times when talking about him, you still WANT to talk about him. Perhaps sometimes it may just take us actually telling people how we feel about this? Because it sounds like their intentions are to be sensitive to you, but they just don't know how to. I've noticed that my daughter accepts my tearfulness, but it seems to upset my daughter-in-law to see me become tearful. I was giving some of John's things to my two older grandsons the other evening as momentos and it brought me to tears, of course. Telling each of them how much John loved them and how happy he would be for them to have this particular item. Actually, the boys seemed to accept my tears better than their mom did! (And I am not talking about sobbing or anything like that. Just tears running down my cheeks.) My sister's youngest son died unexpectedly two years ago - as a young adult - and I know that she always seems very happy when I call her on the phone and say "Hey, I wanted to call you. I was really thinking of J______ a lot today. I was remembering the time we went to ____________, all of us together." And we will then recall the day or the event and it seems to make both of us happy to talk about him. Best of luck with this one Fredzgirl. I hope you can bring them around. I think you will be helping them (and yourself) a lot if you do - whether they know it or not. Take care, DeeGee

Thank you all! DeeGee

I would like to offer a different perspective. Who says it is better to be independent and everything? There is no shame in living with family. This is what families are all about. If you think it would be good for you, I say go for it. If it isn't working out, you'll know it. And you will change it at that time. Perhaps some of us in life need a little more family support than others. To be truthful, I sure could use a little more support myself at this time. But I know what the reality of life is. If this is something that can be a workable reality, I say go for it. DeeGee

Hi Paula, The best to you in honoring Tom's wishes. I would wish for you that you feel a sense of completion afterwards. As far as the families go, I have seen for myself that the primary relationship was between me and my husband. His relatives were only on the periphery of life - even his identicall twin brother. When it came to the end - and I mean the very end of John's days - it was me who was there with him. Not his brother. It was me. You were there for Tom. And, yes, it is his family's loss. But my dear, it is your gain. Go with God and do this final act for him. And may you have a great feeling of satisfacion and peace after having done so. Sincerely, Dee Gee PS I did not know what a sand rail is either. I googled it. It is a motorvehicle like an All Terrain Vehicle. Paula, maybe you could tell those of us from the Eastern US a little more about these.

Oh, Kimi, So sorry you are going through this. And so sorry I am too. My husband was gone 4 weeks on Saturday. I seemed to be progressing, not crying as much and was actually sleeping a little better but the last two nights the sleep is all messed up again and I am once again crying pretty much on and off throughout the day. I realize I am new in this and I suppose I thought it would be a steady progression but now I can surely see that it is not. As for the disposal of John's things, I already regret that I allowed his son to take as many of his things as I did on the afternoon of his funeral. I should have taken some time on that, I can see that now. But what's done is done. I am not planning on disposing of anything else for a good long time. But I suppose there are some who may feel differently about this. Kimi, hang in there. I know what you mean about missing him so much! It is like I am in this phase of being constantly on alert, waiting to hear his car pull into the driveway, waiting to her the front door open. And it is not happening. But I am still listening, listening for it. DeeGee

Oh boy! Good news. A representative from the VA cemetery called me today and told me that my request "went up through channels and it was approved" so they will be making a new headstone that includes the original information as I submitted it. The only thing I have to do now is contact the National Personell Records Center in order to get a signed document from them that verifies that he actually did serve in that company. So I will download the form and send it in today. The man also told me that the other headstone came in and they went ahead and set it and then will change it out after the new one is ordered and comes in. I am SO glad I pursued this! I feel so much better now. Thank you all for your support on this! DeeGee

Hi cubby, I am certainly no doctor, but I am a person who has suffered from clinical depression. Yes, some of the things you are describing are symptoms of clinical depresssion -specifically, the not finding pleasure in anything, the inertia, the altered sleep patterns, and the "thoughts that scare you". I have been told that sometimes the loss of a loved one can trigger an episode of clinical depresssion. So I am being closely monitored by my doctor at this time (4 weeks after the death of my husband). My doctor has increased the dosage of the antidepressant medication, Zoloft, that I take as a precautionary measure. Have you seen a doctor and talked about how you are feeling? And if you have, did the doctor pay attention to what you were saying? Some family physicians are very attuned to diagnosing clinical depression and others are not so much. In that case, I would suggest you call a local community or university sponsored mental health center. Or if you don't have the wherewithal right now to call yourself, perhaps your husband could do the calling and take you for an appointment. Clinical depresssion is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is also something not to be ignored. Folks who have never experienced it don't really understand the suffering involved. And I can tell you that while "counting your blessings" is a wonderful thing to do, it never brought me out of a depresssion. Nor did telling myself that I needed to "snap out of this". Counseling and medication helped me immensely. I wish you the best with this. And if you aren't, in fact, suffering from a clinical depression, then you will know one way or the other if you go see a doctor about this at this time. Take care of yourself, DeeGee

Hello Ted, My condolences to you on your loss of your wife. I think we are all kind of lost. I can only say that reading and writing here helps me a lot. DeeGee

Hi carrieboo, I am kind of new here. My husband died three weeks ago this past Saturday after a 14 month battle with cancer. I am so sorry you are feeling bad once again. But you knew to come here, so that is good. Could you please tell me a little about the course of your grief, because I really don't know where I am going with my own in the future. I am not crying as much as I was at first, so I guess that is good. Also, you mentioned a miscarriage. How recently was that? Did you grieve that loss? Did it bring back those old feelings of loss? My daughter-in-law had a miscarriage and handled it well - she was sad but not devastated, but she already had two children at the time. My daughter had been trying and trying to become pregnant, finally was pregnant and then had a miscarriage and it was very, very hard on her. She was just devastated - in a way that I had never seen her before. Fortunately, she then went on to become pregnant again and delivered a healthy baby. But to this day I know she still mourns that first pregnancy. My greatest loss prior to my husband's death was the sudden death of my beloved father seven years ago. I have continued to grieve him over the years at times. And yes, certain times of the year and certain dates - his birthday, Father's Day, the holidays - it is worse. I want to give you my condolences on your loss and wish you well in dealing with your grief, DeeGee

Dear Chagrin, No matter what the reason for your mom acting in this manner, whether it is the way she is "handling her grief" or the way she is "denying her grief", I would be feeling both angry and humiliated to hear that my mother was out in public acting in this manner. At this time, could you share with the friend who told you of this incident that just for now, you would like her to not tell you of any further sightings of your mom? You really don't need any more of these "reports'. It would only hurt you further and what good is it for you to hear any more? Perhaps you could get yourself into some formalized grief counseling at this time and then invite your mom to attend a session with you? You surely could use a professional's assistance at this time and it sounds like there has been enough of a relationship between you and your mom that she may agree to do this to help YOU. And even if she won't, you get the benefit of the counseling yourself. I had to live through a situation in life where my first husband did some things at the time of our divorce that were absolutely awful and humiliating to my two children who loved their father very much. I had "shielded" them over the years from some of their father's behaviors. They were young adults at the time, right around your age. It was very difficult for them to see their father as a flawed human being. But eventually they came to realize that sometimes people make poor decisions in life, even a beloved parent. But I saw how very difficult it was for my childen to process the whole thing. Actually, it took years for them to be able to once again interact with their father in a loving manner. I do so wish you the best with this. It is such a particularly bad time for you as you are grieving the loss of your father. You are in my prayers, DeeGee

Thank you all for your understanding. I got a automated reply back in my email but have not yet heard from a live person. Will let you know what I am told.

joanne: 3 boys - 3 1/2, 9 and 11

Valley, Just to let you know, my sister had the surgery for spinal stenosis around 5 years ago at age 62. They operated on 7 levels on her. She did well. Five days in the hospital and then she went to a rehab center for a week because she is a single woman and was on her own at the time. (She now lives with her daughter and grandchildren) After she got home I went and stayed with her for a week at her place. She still must take some pain medication from time to time, but she is no longer bent over (she was beginning to permanently lean forward, kind of hunched forward) and she does not have the pain going down into her legs anymore. My late father also had this surgery. He was 73 when he had it and he also did remarakbly well. Good luck to you, DeeGee