DeeGee

Hi Susie, I want to offer you my deepest condolences on your sudden loss. That's a tough, toough thing to go through. Such a shock. My husband died three weeks ago yesterday after a 14 month battle with kidney cancer. And somehow when you know it is coming you fool yourself into thinking that in some way you are prepared for it. But you're not. At least it turns out I wasn't. I had started a thread asking for responses from members about returning to work. I read all the input, which I really appreciated, and then sat and talked with my family. I am about to turn 64, and was working part time 4 days a week. Like you, I just absolutely could not fathom going back to work in this condition. And I would have had to return in another week. I made the decision and called my employer just this past Thursday and told them I am going to retire at this time. I don't know how old you are, but I'd say factor age, along with your financial situation into the equation. I've decided I want to spend more time with my grandchildren, go visit and stay with my only sister who lives on the West coast, and just relax and read some books. Of course, the past 14 months were very, very draining on me and right now I feel kind of like I've run a very long marathon. So I think I need to just recover in addition to making my way through this initial grief. My thoughts are that if and when I get bored I will do volunteer work, take a class or visit friends and family. I have worked all my life, since the day my youngest entered first grade. I'm ready for a rest! My prayers are with you, DeeGee

I had my husband John's ashes buried at a National Veteran's Cemetery. I think that is what he would have wanted - the reason I think that is that being a Vietnam veteran was such a big part of his life. His service there changed him forever, taking him from being a naive small-town boy to a combat Marine thrown into the height of war during the 1967 - 1968 Tet Offensive. He experienced things at the age of 18 that no young man should ever have to experience. John suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder throughout his life. I recognized this immediately upon getting close to him and was able to talk him into getting treatment for it. It helped. Certainly did not irradicate it, but it helped. We went through couple's counseling through the VA Vet Center - a specialty program instituted by the VA specifically for Vietnam vets suffering from PTSD. As part of the healing process he joined a Veterans group and was able to meet up with other Marines who had served with him. We attended numerous reunions over the past years, and in all it was a positive experience for both of us. John was a member of a very highly decorated unit. Lots of medals and three "Presidential Unit Citations" - which are awards for the outstanding performance, courage and bravery of a specific military unit in battle. When he died I knew that he would receive a regulation veteran's grave marker. What I did not know is that other than the standard information that is inscribed on the marker, there are two additional lines of 15 characters each available for the family to add what I was told was "an endearment". Well, I filled out the form and faxed it in. And on Line #1 I chose to list his company name and dates of service and on Line#2 I listed my "endearment". Then I got a telephone call from a woman who told me that listing the name of his military company (unit) was "not appropriate" and that these lines were for "endearments only". So I changed it. Now, this morning I happened to go onto a VA website and clicked onto the parameters for grave markers and it appears to me that I was given incorrect information by the woman who called me. The website says that "any appropriate information, as determined by the VA, regarding the veteran" may be placed on those two lines. There was also an email contact info link to contact them if you think your marker was inscribed erroneously. So I sent an email requesting that a new marker be prepared, displaying the inscription I originally requested. And I requested they get back to me and let me know if my original request was, in fact, permissable. Am I crazy? Obsessed? I am really upset about this. Why is this bothering me so much?

Joanne, My husband died three weeks ago yesterday. And yes, I have noticed I am not sobbing as much. But same as you, now that the initial shock has passed, I now am experiencing the feeling of really, really wanting to talk to him. I guess this must be the time this feeling starts to kick in. And about the house - wow, I just can't do much of anything around here. No motivation. And this is very unlike me! Yesterday my daughter-in-law called at around 4:00 pm and wanted to brings the boys down to see me. I said to her "give me an hour so I can get dressed, I am still in my housecoat". I have vowed to myself that today I will get dressed early and will begin straightening things up around here and doing some laundry. Don't know if I will actually accomplish it, but I have set the goal. DeeGee

Well, regarding insurance policies, I definitely got the idea that his family was very interested in "who got the insurance money". Actually, the son CALLED down to John's place of employment two days after the funeral to "find out about" who got what. Had he asked me, I would have told him, but no, he had the audacity to call down to the HR department of the employer. They told the son that John's widow would get everything. The insurance, the pension and the social security. At first I was angered that the HR man at John's work would give this information out like that. But then I rethought it and came to the conclusion that the guy did me a favor by telling the son the way it was. Now, we are not talking the Rockefellers here. I actually have more in my 401K from when I worked than John had in life insurance! So it was not a huge amount. But I guess Sonny Boy just wanted to check and see if dad had kept his name on as beneficiary, since he was on it throughout the years - actually up until January of this year. (And I hope they told him the actual date that John changed it. NOT when we got married, NOT when he was first diagnosed.) I gave John's son all of his medals from his Vietnam service, any personal items that he wanted, his guns, family picutures and stuff. I basically allowed him to take whatever he wanted. And I provided him with a commemortive urn containing a portion of the ashes. So, I too did what was right in my estimation. And I know that I will get through this. One day at a time. I think I have already reached the point where I expect nothing from his family at all. If they call, so be it. If they don't, so be it. While I will be curious to see what happens in the coming months, I expect nothing.

You are in my prayers, notcoping. DeeGee

Hi Paula, My husband died 3 weeks ago tomorrow. Nobody from his family has called me at all since the one sister came to the house in the afternoon after the funeral service, along with her daughter and her daughter's son, to be there while my husband's son (my stepson) and three friends pawed through his father's belongings to take what he wanted. I have now come to the realization that the only person the death really, really effects is US! The others have their lives and the illness didn't even effect them all that much, really. Yet you nursed your husband through that illness and so did I for 14 months. So it has been a big, big portion of our lives. I am trying to be charitable and to understand that if one of his sisters died, it probably would not effect my life all that much and while John would have been sad had that been the case, would it really have effected his life? Am I making any sense? I was hurt and upset at first but have now realized that I probably should not expect to hear from these folks. My own family, also, has been caring of me. They do call regularly to see how I am doing. I am very sorry for your loss and you have my condolences for the loss of your husband. John and I were together for 19 years, would have been married for 2 years this December. We were finally ready to be married and were looking forward to spending our retirement together as a married couple. He was diagnosed 6 months after we were married. Take care of yourself ('cause who else will?) and keep writing here. It helps. DeeGee

'His desire to live was far greater than his desire or need to talk about dying.' Oh, yes, my dear, I think this is so true! Thank you all for writing. I have noticed a great similarity in these stories. And also noticed a great similarity in how we each dealt with the situation and the feelings we were left with. It would be interesting to me to hear the other side of the story. There surely are those patients who come to acceptance of their condition, those who write a will, write down bequests and plan their funeral music? I wonder if their survivors feel a lot differently?

"I was terribly lonely during his illness, because he was so private, ................. I would cry at night, lying next to him," kath: Yes, I too felt very alone. And I did have my daughter to talk with about what was REALLY happening, but honestly, while that helped, it still did not take away that "wall between us" as I call it. So there is all that lonliness and carrying that burden throughout the illness and then when they pass, there is this loneliness and feeling of being overwhelmed with all there is to do and the sadness. No wonder we cry! I think I know in my heart that if John wanted to talk about these things with me he would have. He knew I am generally a strong person, that I would have been capable of sitting and talking to him about it. He obviously did NOT want to talk about it, not to me, not to his identical twin brother, not to his brother-in-law with whom he was particularly close. So it wasn't just me that he didn'twant to talk to about his death. And again, he did not seek to write a will and when asked by his brother-in-law a few weeks before his death if he had any special requests or wanted anything special to go to anybody in particular, he answered "No, Dee will take care of everything like that". So I guess in the end they do it their own way.

Well, Deborah, I too am second guessing myself at this point. Should I have pursued things more directly with him? Deliberately initiated a discussion about death as it was becoming more and more evident that it was coming closer and closer? He never was the kind to want to discuss deep feelings and throughout our relationship I always had to almost force him to discuss his feelings. I think I must have been afraid to push on this. There was what seemed to me like so much denial on his part. But I kept thinking that denial is a self preservation type of thing, and I didn't want to cause him to be in a painful awareness, so I just kept up the "charade" that there was the hope that he was going to get better. And, yes, I WAS hoping and praying for a miracle all along the way. I kept telling myself "well SOME people make it through this, why can't he be one of the very, very few lucky ones? But it was just bad news after bad news. I know that I tried to do my best for him, tried to make things the best I could. After the cancer went into John's spine and the bone broke and he had to go into the hospital to get it fixated things really started to go down hill pretty fast. He was losing his balance and fell several times. The pain medication patches were no longer working well because he had virtually no subcutaneous fat left on his body. Then he had to switch over to oral meds and it took several adjustments to get the right dosage. So he would either be nodding off or suffering in pain. It sounds to me like your husband loved you very much and he surely knew that you loved him. I know that I loved John very much and know that he loved me. It was a very, very tough situation to be in and I didn't really have much of anyone to give me any guidance through it. Maybe if we had contacted Hospice sooner, they could have guided me. But even that, to contact Hospice, is like giving up, so I didn't want to bring that subject up and none of the doctors or nurses ever even talked about it to us. Dee

I was writing earlier today to a friend of mine whose SO was diagnosed with a cancer right round the same time my husband was. Her guy is doing pretty well, responding to treatment. One of the things I was writing about was that I felt that our relationship changed from the day of the cancer diagnosis on. That after that things were different. I felt at times very lonely because I felt I had to be upbeat and hopeful and could not share feelings of despair and sadness with him because I did not want to pull him down, ever. And my husband was not a man who EVER freely talked about his deep feelings or fears and that did not change once he was diagnosed. He displayed no curiosity about his disease, did not ask many questions at all of his doctors. There was no acknowledgement between us that he was terminal until about two weeks before he died, and even then it was just him looking at me and saying "I think I'm dying" and I answered him "Do you want to talk about this?" and he said "Not really" and that was that. I am curious to hear from others, if you care to share, on how this went in their relationship with their loved one. Thank you, DeeGee

Beautiful, just beautiful. DeeGee

Hi Mandi, First of all, I want to give you my deepest sympathy and condolences for your loss. We are all here for the same reason, unfortunately. I too am rather new here - my husband died of kidney cancer two weeks ago Saturday. And he too wasted away before my very eyes, God love him. It is very, very rough. I am still in a kind of fog, myself. Have only been outside my house a very few times since the funeral and I still am crying a lot. I have found the help and support here to be great and very helpful to me. I went to see my doctor today for checkup on my blood pressure, new script for anti-depressant medication, etc. She really took her time with me, wanted to know what I am doing to handle the grief. I mentioned that I had joined an online grief support group and she was very interested in knowing about it, if it helped me, etc. Please post more Mandi. We want to hear from you. DeeGee

Thank you so much for the welcome, kayc. Yes, it is so very very fresh that I sometimes don't even believe it. But I know how alone I feel. This board is a blessing. Dee

I went out today - took my mother to a medical appointment. She wanted to take me to lunch afterwards so I said okay. We got into the restaurant, gave our order and were sitting there and my mom said something about how my dad had always liked this restaurant and - Wham! - the flood gates opened! Not the out and out sobbing but the one where the tears are just pouring down both of your cheeks. I got it back together fairly soon, but have learned a lesson from this experience. Do not go out the door without a lot of tissues in your purse! But I am going to keep going out, keep trying to get on with life. Whether I cry or not.

Hi Joanne and welcome, I am fairly new to this board. My sincere condolences to you on the loss of your mother. My husband died two weeks ago yesterday. I had joined the board just two days before his death. I am so sorry for your loss of your mom. The personality you describe sounds a lot like my beloved father who died suddenly of a massive heart attack seven years ago. He had not been ill and it was just - Boom! - he died. I was in absolute shock, as you are. And we were so close! It took me a good long time to work through my grief and I still miss him today, believe me. People said to me at the time "It's a blessing that he went quickly. At least he didn't suffer." and I thought that was a mean thing to say and I got very upset several times when someone would say that. To me, in a way, it was like they were saying it's a blessing that he died. Then 14 months ago my husband was diagnosed with a Stage IV kidney cancer. And I watched him waste away and become weaker and weaker and saw him suffering pain that was not always well controlled. And I guess now I can see where people were coming from when they said it was a blessing that my dad went quickly and did not suffer at all. Perhaps they had a loved one who died a slow and painful death from cancer and they meant to be kind in saying that to me back then. In any case, when someone goes really fast like your mom did, there is a whole lot of shock and disbelief at first. Plus, in my case, I never got to say goodbye to my dad or anything like that. Thankfully he always knew how much I loved and admired him so I did not worrry that he didn't know that. Since my dad's death there have been lots of times in my life that I have asked myself "What would dad do?" when pondering a problem or needing to make a decision about something. So his legacy lives on within me and within my children. So it might help you to think of what your mom would want for you. And to try to follow the guidelines she offered you throughout your life. She sounds like a great lady who gave you both love and friendship and those are certainly wonderful gifts from a parent to a child. Again, Joanne, I am so sorry for your loss, Dee Gee

lostluv, How are you doing? How is boot camp going for you at this stage? It will be two weeks tomorrow since John died. And I am feeling empty and lost also. Now I am really starting to miss him. Two weeks is the longest amount of time we were ever apart during our 19 years together. I would go out to the West Coast to visit my sister for two weeks at a time about once per year. But we would talk on the phone every day during the entire time I was gone. I am missing the little things. Him telling me what the weather is going to be for the next day or two. John could watch the weather channel for 1/2 hour at a time sometimes. (I know, weird!) But he knew what the weather was in the city where his son lives, in the city where my sister lives, up and down the Eastern coast of the US, plus usually what the temperature was in Baghdad yesterday. (Because his son lives in Phoenix, and Phoenix is often as hot as or hotter than Baghdad!) I miss that. John saying to me "Hey, sweetie, tomorrow is garbage day" to remind me to empty all the upstairs trash cans and empty anything out of the refrigerator that needed to go. And he would always take it out. I miss that! Coming home from the grocery store and searching for my house key, then realizing there is no longer a John to call upon when I can't find my key! And how about if I absent-mindedly lock me keys into the car? So easy to do with these push button locks! And what about getting the car inspected? He always did that for me. Oh, I'm there, lost luv. I miss that man! Dee

Lucia, Good thoughts coming your way from me. I am new here. The test is IVP - intravenous pyelogram. It should not be painful or anything like that. It is the wondering and worrying around about the outcome of the tests that is always so scary and awful, at least I think so. And manyof us here have just been through the experience of having diagnostic tests turn out to be a piece of "bad news" or "further bad news" instead of the good news that we want to hear. Lucia, I do have a question if you care to answerit. How did it come to be that your daughter heard what you said to the grief counselor? What I mean is, did she overhear it, as in that she was in the room when you said it, or did you tell her about this expressed thought later on? In any case, please let us know how you are doing as soon as possible. People here do care. Dee

Total opposites! John was tall and skinny and I am short and fat. (Not fat when we started out, but I was still short then )

I would say there is high reward involved in teaching, in the sense that when you get through to a student and you can see the enthusiasm in them that mastering a tough new subject brings them, it is great. Of course, as always among students there are those who do well and those who don't. As instructors, we are encouraged to "get involved" with our students, we are assigned students to mentor, meaning we must meet privately with each student at least once per week and make written notes of each meeting. The goal of this is to prevent students from dropping out. Because with so many of the underprivileged students, that is their first reaction to when the "going gets tough". All of the mentoring and hearing of their trials and tribulations in life can be quite draining. This can range from "I don't have enough money to buy food for my kids" to "I couldn't study for the test because my boyfriend beat me up again last evening". So there is quite a bit of "social work" involved along with the preparation for class, the actual lecturing, the preparation of tests, the grading of tests, etc. I am going to hold off on making any permanent decision for right now. I suspect I am going to need more than the one month time period, but that is how I feel today. Tomorrow will be two weeks since John's death. I am sure gaining wonderful insight by reading your stories. This is a wonderful site with excellent posters and I am so glad I found it. I was looking at my registration information. I registered two days before his death. With blessings and the hope for an internal peace for all of us, Dee

Mary Linda: These people are first class idiots! But, then, you knew that.... I probably would not take kindly to anyone telling me how MY HUSBAND would have felt about something. Because let's face it, husbands tell wives things that they don't tell others and we get to see their attitudes and opinions over a course of time, perhaps as they evolve and change. So I would say a wife knows how her husband would feel about something the best of anyone. Speaking of how people react: The ex-wife came to the funeral home for the entire time he was laid out, 2-4 and 7-9, and also came to the funeral and the luncheon afterwards. She is, of course, the mother of his only child. But there was a reason the couple were divorced. And the divorce took place over 25 years ago. (Yes, it was long before I became involved with John. But I had known them as a couple and ironically, my then husband and I attended their wedding because my first husband worked at the same place John then worked and they were friends. Not best buddies, but freindly.) Anyways, "Denise", the ex-wife was so happy to see so many long-unseen relatives and friends of John who were once a part of HER life, that every time she would spot someone she hadn't seen for a really long time she would give a squeal of delight and approach them with arms wide in order to receive a hug. Now this woman has always been a drama queen and continues in that vein today. She is all about herself, first, last and always. I just ignored her. I was not unfriendly, but did not go over to her until at the very end of the night when I thanked her profusely for "being here all day". There was even one point at which another woman from John's past came in. So at that point there were three of us who had loved him there. This is a woman who is a life-long friend of one of John's sisters and with whom he had about a three year relationship prior to the two of us getting involved. And I had known her also, as John had brought her around several times to parties that my first husband and I hosted as a married couple. All in all, though, they were both respectful and kind and were genuinely sad that Jack had died of his illness. So I guess I will consider it was a tribute to John and his loving ways that he seemed to have quite an ability to not leave a relationship with hard feelings. (And his sister's husband had, indeed, asked me in advance if it was okay for "Jenny", the old girlfriend, to come to the viewing. And I said "Yes, certainly".) My daughter along with my youngest grandson (3 1/2) is coming to take me this afternoon up to the family second home in the Western Pennsylvania mountain ski area. We will spend the weekend doing some cleaning to get the place ready for the winter season, go out for dinner, and probably stroll the local Walmart together. I am actually looking forward to it. Take care of yourself, DeeGee

James: I worked for an insurance company once - Cigna - for a total of three months. And then I quit. Best money I ever made, most unethical people I have ever encountered. Everything looked wonderful on paper but what was actually going on was nothing I wanted to have anything to do with. I was working as a case manager in the short-term disability division. The pressure was awful and the things they directed you to tell people were awful. And NOTHING of these directives was ever to be put in writing. We would have these "huddles" in which we were told to "say this, that and the other to the claimant" and it was so bad that I could not believe there were human beings sitting there listening to this and not reacting. But, oh boy, it was good, good money. In any case, so much for working for an insurance company. Life is way, way too short. Kath: I have had the experience of unemployment compensation being a God's blessing after a restructure of a company I worked for and elimination of my job position. I have also had the experience of going out into the workforce and taking a brand new position in a different field - teaching - at the age of 61. And I had all the worries about whether I could perform, etc. (I was not in deep grief at the time, however, so that is different) But the being afraid of something new surely strikes a cord with me. All you can do is do it. Try it. Either you succeed or you fail. One part of what I taught was called "Soft Skills". This is teaching students what employers want in an employee. And what the studies show is that employers want employees who 1.) Show up 2.) Show up on time 3.) Get along with other employees 4.) Have needed skills So what we taught our students is that you can have the best skills in the world, but if you can't get along with others you will not have a successful career. I think I am not going to rush back to work. And thankfully, I don't have to.

Thank you both for the input. My gut - right now at least - tells me I am going to need more than just Sept. off.

Chagrin: Well, I can feel for you. Not that my mother found another guy real quickly - she was far too old at the time of my belovedl Dad's death. She was in her early 80's. But what she did was to tell me all about her dissatisfactions with my Dad over the years of their very long marriage. Now I suppose this was how she processed her grief, but I can tell you that it was extremely hurtful to me. So I don't know which is worse. That your Dad's love for her left her in a state that she is hopeful enough to want to actually enter into another relationship - which could end up to be best for all, or I guess could end up to be a disaster, who ever knows? Or, to have no one but you to process everything with - both the good and the bad of a long-term relationship, which can definitely be hurtful to you as the daughter. I do not think it was bad for you to go onto a social networking site. Aren't these sites open to anyone who wants to log on and read them? What is snooping about that? Or maybe I don't understand how they work. In any case, you hang in there. One thing I came out of all of mine with is that the realtionship between me and my Dad was between US. And I don't care what kind of a husband my mother thought he was, I KNOW what kind of a father he was, and he was great. By the way, my Mom, now in her late 80's has now mellowed. She now says how much she missed my Dad. After all these years! She is a self described "tough bird", and it took her two years to even say "I miss your father". (After he had been dead 6 months, she criticized me for continuing to mourn my father and told me it was "time to get over this". So, my dear, each of us has our own road to navigate on these things, I think. I cut my Mom as big a break as I could, butl finally reached a point where I said "Hey, Mom. I loved Dad. I don't really want to hear anymore about any dissatisfactions you had with him. You should find someone other than me if you want to talk about this subject any further." And that was the end of it as far as her saying anything to me - thankfully. Take care of yourself, Dee

Southern Girl, My loss is very recent and I can already see that people just do not act in the manner that you expect them to. And I am talking brother, sisters and son of my husband. So for some friend of your husband's to act in this manner (against your wishes) I guess does not surprise me. But it hurts me, because it hurts you. As I know I have been hurt alread. The lack of consideration I have seen already from family members is just astounding to me. Some people who have no tact whatsoever. That I can tell you. Keep your head up. Do your best to ignore these folks in their indiscretions. God help them, someday they will be in our position, and then they will know. Probably not until then, though. My condolences to you for your loss. Take care, Dee

I worked part time (20 hours per week) up until two weeks prior to my husband's death. I gave his final care, using Hospice. My employer is understanding and they have told me I am a valued employee and they want me back. Because I teach at the post-secondary level, which consists of one-month "Modules" rather than "semesters", I am not expected to return to work before Sept. 28th. Right now, my sleep patterns are so interrupted and I am so fragile and tearful that I would not even consider going back to work in this condition. I teach. You have to have enthusiasm and be uplifting to your students in order to do an effective job. It is not the kind of position that you can just "fog your way through" - or at least I don't think it is. Could some of you please give me some input as to how soon you returned to work after your loss and how it went? (My Dad, with whom I was very, very close died unexpectedly 7 years ago. I returned to work after two weeks then. I was not good, but was in a job position then that I could kind of "robot" my way through. That is not the case with teaching. Not that there are not teachers who "robot their way through" but I am not one of them.) My mother, who worked all of her life, says "go back to work right away". But she retired at age 59 and I am 63. My sister, also a widow, who came to stay with me for a week and left two days ago said " Why go back to work at all? You don't need to work any more. Just take it easy, come out to the West Coast and visit me and my daughter(with whom she lives) You can do whatever you want to do now." Input, please. Thanks a lot, Dee