Rochel

"Gravity" - "Just keep me where the light is"...that is where we need to stay so we don't fold in the darkness with drugs and alcohol...where the Lord is...Alcohol is what took my husband down..that and Percocet...bad combo for the Kidneys..there, now I said too much...Have as good of a day as you can...Rochel

Dear Stuart,

When I read your pain...I feel my own...My husband felt that about me too...that "I was every woman in the world for him"....Reading about your love for Heidi blesses me, but at the same time...I feel your pain...we all have our very sad stories to tell and yet, our loved ones would do the same thing if they were in our place..Heidi would be telling us how wonderful you are...It is so hard to live in the moment in all this grief, but I find when I live in the past, I cave in more...the future is too scarry to think about...Be good to yourself Stuart, you deserve it...Blessings, Rochel

Have you heard "Gravity" John Mayer????

And, you are not being too open..this is what we are all here for to be open with eachother, because the one we used to be this open with is no longer with us...we are with you..............all the time.......

Ted,

I just spoke with a neighbor the other day and she has to be on antidepressant drugs the rest of her life...they really become a monster and you depend less on the Lord and look for the fix...now some people need them, but for you and the drinks, it would be a bad combo...I can't drink, it makes me worse and then I really miss the romance and the love and then I cave in...It is a very rough time for you and all of us, but the Lord will see you thru...I'm preaching to the choir when I say this...yesterday, I didn't pray or read the Word in the morning and I was a mess...It was my cocker spaniel's birthday and we always sang to her, needless to say...that really turned the tears on when I tried to sing to her...just memories suck now, but later on, we will be glad to have them...How long were you married??? Be gentle to yourself...we are all here to hear your heart...In fact, this forum family is my counseling sometimes...Blessings, Rochel

Dear Ted,

I feel your pain...I too have been sobbing lately....I just read Psalms 13 and it really spoke to me...the enemy is sorrow and despair and that it who we fight...let the Lord comfort you in the end of this Psalm...I prayed for you this morning without even reading this...I'm sorry that you had to see Adrianne pass...how difficult this must be to keep picturing...give that picture to God and ask Him to replace it with her new healthy body...the one that is in Heaven...I too sometimes focus on the negative more than I should and that my friend will keep you down and under the "icy lake"...Yes, I think that you should go to your pastor and ask for a Christian man to talk to...Don't be lead astray by any kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety anything...they are so hard to get off of...and they are expensive...Walk in wisdom today and ge good to yourself...Bless you, Rochel

Hi Cherrie,

I like to think that when you hear from all of us and receive our encouragement, you have heard from the Holy Spirit...God is speaking thru all of us...There are many broken hearts on this site including mine, but we are also listening hearts...I'm so sorry that the hospital screwed up and caused your husband's death...My husband died 09-24-2009 and I die everyday..I thought that I was doing better, but I had 4 steps back again...It is just something that we have to keep going thru..My daughter whom I love dearly told me that I am needy...Gee, I hate to hear that...I haven't ever had that title, but since Bob's death I am a whole bundle of emotions that I haven't been before...We need to hear from you Cheerie..to know that you are ok or as good as could be expected...Bless you, Rochel

Thanks Linda,

More crying today...my hormones must be wacky...I'm so glad that my counselor thru Hospice is coming tomorrow...I cried today because since I told the credit card company about his death...they cancelled his card and even though we had a joint acct. I don't have credit anymore...what are we widows - chopped liver....I'm so upset...I have to establish credit all over again...does anybody else know about this??? I appreciate your encouragement...lots of tears lately...I can't even listen to our music...I get kicked in the stomach...Bless you Linda, Rochel

Rochel and Kat, I'm not much of a computer whiz myself, but I'm certainly willing to help if I can. Have you tried clicking on the "Help" link at the very top of the main page? Oftentimes doing that will lead you to some answers. Beyond that, I'm not sure exactly what it is that you're trying to do. Can you give me a little more information about that? You can always contact me via e-mail, at tousleym@aol.com . . .

I can find the edit...I just don't know how to make the pixels 150 x 150...I tried to in photo shop but it wouldn't transfer over..

Thanks Kat,

I know that our husbands died of the same thing except my hubby went into kidney failure..but I do think that the protrate had a lot to do with it...it was a very hard caregiving situation for me...I know that Pat must have struggled quite a bit too....Kat, I do not know how to put information on here in the edit where it will stay and also a photo..do you???

Hi Boo,

Can't tell if it is the loss...Hysterectomy last year and when I think of that I get weepy...Bob took wonderful care of me at that time...I just started the pellet (bio-identical) and I'm waiting for the testosterone to kick estrogens butt and tell her to stop crying and to move on...very good question Boo...In the old pms days I definitely felt out of sorts....Rochel

Monday morning after a horrendous Sunday night...decided to put my winter bed together and brought out the animal print that Bob always loved (kind of a faux fur) with the comforter and I lost it....I cried so hard and then I saw his picture on the computer by accident because at this time I'm just not looking at photos...what is it about the triggers, they are awful...the Winter trips in that you should be cuddly and warm with your best friend and instead you are alone and trying to make the bed look messy so you don't have to look at the empty side...we all have to go thru this long tunnel that is closed at the entrance and it is hell...and yet we have to keep crawling and bawling thru it...I don't know about all of you but this seems to be getting harder as time goes on not easier...I want my life back....Rochel

Dear Laurie,

I'm so sorry to hear of this horrendous storm...especially after losing your hubby...I hope that the damage will not be a drain on your finances and that the insurance company will take care of it as soon as possible...and hearing Christmas music is not what any of us needs right now...Holy crap is right..you did the best you could and I think that you are a very intelligent woman going to the mall and getting your son out of harms way...No, you are not feeling sorry for yourself, this is a horrible thing to have to go through...I will pray for you to have answers and to be comforted and to have a lot of support around you so that you can think clearly and get your life back together...It is bad enough all the changes and then this....Bless you, Rochel

Oh my gosh Kath I'm so sorry for this lousy storm to hit you...especially the golf size hail (Revelation stuff)...It is terrible to go through the loss of a spouse and then have to fend for yourself in this terrible storm...I will pray for you and Laurie...This is when you definitely need to call on the Lord...Like you said, on your inner strength...Linda gave you good advice find out what your neighbors are doing to help themselves....We are all here for you...you certainly have encouraged all of us...Bless you, Rochel

Thanks, I tried this so many times and I guess the pics are too big..I'll figure it out

Good luck in Cali, Rochel. Your grief seems to mirror mine quite a lot, but I really don't think I did much of anything right for my wife the past year or so. I just needed to be more loving and I wasn't and I'm carrying a ton of guilt over that. I hope the relocation works out for you.

Best,

Ted

how do you put photos on this darn thing....???

You know Ted, I picked that up about you feeling guilt because I listened to Blue Sky Blues again today and the part about "I can take care of you only if you want" that sounds like you wish you would have been there for Adrianne more than you were..."I can't win but for you I will try"...The guilt will eat you alive and you will "lose what's left of your mind"...don't let it Ted...It will make the grief twice as hard and it is hard enough don't you think??? As long as you are carrying the guilt than the Lord cannot fix you...let Him fix you...not preaching at you just speaking my heart which seems to be quite broken these days...I wonder if we have to go thru this because God needs to soften some hearts...cool in AZ - Rochel

Hi Everybody,

I stopped asking the reason why because I watched the reason for years...let's face it, my husband did abuse his health and with prostate cancer and not doing anything about it resulted in death...I know that I do not have any regrets with how I took care of him and how I loved him and how eating healthy and living healthy was essential...I watched his health go down hill and was in denial how much he was pushing the envelope over the edge...and now I sit here alone waiting to feel sane again...the end of the month is coming and I'm going to Cali for awhile...I know that I will need the support of you folks with this relocation....I plan to find friends, church and a new grief group when I get there...This whole crappy thing makes you get out there and meet people...which I will drag my feet doing, but I don't want to hang around retirees with my mom all the time either...Bless everybody on this site...I know that we are all in different places but hurting the same...some more than others at different levels of agony...I keep hoping that it will get better....Rochel

My Dear Linda,

What is it about weekends???...that is kick back time and enjoy your buddy time...Yes, our lives are so changed...I bet that was terrible seeing Brian's picture on your cell kissing you...You need to have a dream of him doing just that...I think that sharp ugly reality hits us on weekends the most...Last night I went out with some gals that we both know...or knew...anyway, it was date night for others and I was with women again...no offence...but that is when I miss Bob the most...I wish people would quit telling me to pray to your husband and he will comfort you...talking maybe...which is in the air...but praying??? We both know that won't work...Have you been with the kids this weekend??? Sounds like you're out driving and crying like me...that is very hard to do and kind of dangerous...but I found it is a safe place to scream...I will pray for you Linda...in this most difficult time...Hugs from AZ...Rochel

Mrs. B

I know how you feel...I have felt like this more than I care to...I plan to go shopping with my neighbors and all of a sudden I almost get a panic attack that I'm going to get trapped...This is when I need to go home...cry and read this Forum and visit with my family here...I cry because of so many things but most of all, my life is soooo changed and I hate the change....You are a courageous lady going to work when you want to just stay home and bawl your eyes out...I will pray for you..Bless you Rochel

I totally agree with you..this is the only place I feel comfortable...Don't tell me at gets worse...I don't know how I could feel worse than this...this house is just plain weird and lonely...I keep trying to change the color schemes and what it really needs is my husband...Sorry you miss Adrianne so much...At least it is getting cooler in AZ...and at this same time I'm listening to Blue Skys Blues...*I just put it on my ipod...I cannot stand to be around very many people, but I do like Praxis...a church I found in Tempe...good music and good messages...upbeat and sort of edgy...Well Ted, another weekend...I will pray for all of us...we sure have a lot of company here....Rochel

This is truly the worst day since my husband died. I can't even form words to describe the pain, loss, emptiness. Every time I try to breathe it hurts more. How do you live through this pain?

Oh Steely my Dear...I am here for you and in your corner...It is so difficult to hear your heart and know how bad it hurts...I'm glad that you are here with us where we can love on you...I don't know what happened to you today, but sometimes it is just our thoughts and feelings...Life is so hard without our wonderful spouses, but with help from your friends and God, you will make it through...Try to have some loved one with you tonight...it helps....I will pray for you tonight...Hugs from Arizona....Rochel

Beeeeaaauuutiful song...really liked it...Going to see if my son-in-law will learn it for me and my daughter sing it...will have to find the lyrics...thank you Ted...Hope you are keeping your chin up Rochel

Dear Kat,

I feel your pain and sadness...days like you had are the pits...I know how much you miss Pat..as I miss my Bob...We are all on the same page on this site...so we can say "Dear Friend, I know how you feel"..I keep reading all the grief books I can get my hands on to find out some way of feeling better...but the feeling better just does not happen...I think we have to go through all this pain for some reason and maybe someday we will know...I read this in an email from a site that Lindakoz told me about and it brought some peace of mind..."I hope that it helps you for the day..."Rochel...Bless you Kat....

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

I had a wonderful dream about my Bob...I was standing on a street (don't know where) and he walked up to me with a whole group of other people and they all seemed to be very bright and lit up...My husband included..He turned to me and smiled and looked very healthy and happy and put his hands on my shoulders and gave me the best kiss like a Heavenly kiss (not to use a cliche) but it was very warm and comforting, then he smiled again...beautiful smile and started to walk away and....I asked him if he could see me from there and he smiled and didn't answer and walked away, with all the people leaving at the same time..I woke up feeling blessed and comforted and not in that horrible heavy sorrowful place...I'm praying for another dream like this one...Hope everybody has a day of hugs....Rochel