LindaG

Oh Ted- I am in my second month. I have brief moments of clarity and then an entire weekend of crying. I am reading and talking to multiple grief counselors. If you call your local hospice they will refer you to someone to talk to locally. My thought on the pain meds is when they wear off - you are still there - in the grief. I truly believe you have to feel it - all of it- to be able to one day function again. The first night my husband died I slept in his truck. I have a sectional sofa in the living room with a bay window that overlooks the driveway. I have sat on that sofa for weeks waiting for him to come home. I am beyond sad - beyond lost. I have a good support team that I have built around this grief. If one outlet did not work - I tried another. I will say one thing that has helped me regain some control is exercise - walking. When I feel I have spent too much time looking at pictures or crying over memories - I grab the dogs and head down to the beach for an hour walk. Find good people to help you and if you can't ask a friend to help you. Hospice is wonderful and I find it easier to talk to a complete stranger than family. Good Luck - this web-site has helped me enormously and I believe you will find the same. - Linda G

I'm a bit stuck in my head on why a family member would not offer sympathy or reach out to help in such a horrible time. Has anyone else had a similar situation. It is hurtful as my husband and I would have never done the same. It is causing me to have some angry feelings that normally I would never have or hold. -Linda G

Linda- I think the best advice I have received from my local Grief Counselor is to plan something different for Thanksgiving and Christmas. A new tradition or something out of the norm of what you had done in recent memory. My Aunt lost her husband ten years ago and we had always gone to her home for Thanksgiving or Christmas when I was a kid as she is a great cook. After he died, she stopped entertaining. I wrote her a note to thank her for all that she did to help me get thru the funeral, etc and I asked her to host Thanksgiving as my Mom and I could not stand to remain in our area alone that day. She is about two hours from where we live by car. She called me and thanked me. She said my two cousins had suggested it but she told them it had to come from Linda. If Linda wants it than we do it. It will still be sad and a reminder of who is missing but there is comfort in spending time with family. My Mother has been at my house for 32 days - every day - she too will find comfort in traveling to this house as well. Christmas is a whole other ball game as that was our favorite holiday. I've planned to meet friends and family in December for lunch and conversation so I don't miss opportunities with people I love one on one. I may travel a few days over the New Years weekend and spend a few days with my father who is 900 miles away and keep Christmas simple - Mass and a quiet dinner with my Mom. We planted a small pine tree next to my husband's grave stone and my Mom suggested that we decorate it in December as he loved to decorate the tree. I would say keep it simple and comfortable. In January, I may lement over any plans that I followed thru with but I feel too much isolation will not help me right now. I hope this helps. - Linda G

I am living in a large rented house that I shared with my husband and our two dogs. My husband passed away in early October - very unexpectedly from massive cardiac failure. The house brings me nothing but memories and at this stage I am not sure it is the best place for me to be to get thru this sudden loss. The area is filled with restaurants, beaches, stores - that we frequented. It all hurts. Some family members are urging me to move - locally or long distance. My grief counselor told me to stay put for a few months as a move would add to much stress to an already stressful situation. I am just wondering what other people have done who were able to have the option to move. Remain in the house and work thru the grief or move and work thru the grief in a new location? Remain in the area or seek a new place to live? I'm afraid a new area or home may intensify a feeling of isolation although I am surrounded by family and friends. Thank you for your input and any advice you have been given by professionals or others who have gone thru the same situation. - Linda

Dear Steely, My husband died on October 10th while at work. He was 39. He was born in Los Angeles with a hole in his heart and had many surgeries as a child. We met in LA and were married there nine years ago and moved to Massachusetts. We had discovered last year that he had had a small heart attack the year prior. He began going to the gym and following his Physician's instructions. As it happened at work a full autopsy was performed as that is state law in Massachusetts, so I will find out exactly what happened to his fragile heart. He was a robust guy and full of love and laughter. He never complained about feeling ill so this was a complete shock to me. We had so many plans and now I am alone in the house where we lived not knowing what to do and basically in a complete fog. Friends and family all appeared for the wake and funeral and left as quickly as they came. Local friends and family can't console me. I truly understand your grief and confusion. I can't eat, sleep, or hold a conversation on the phone without going to pieces. This is my first close loss as an adult and it has me shaken to my core. I'm reading books written by widows and seeing a grief counselor, all of my reactions appear to be "normal" which I can't understand any of this as being a normal reaction. If I can offer you any consolation, it is that there are more of us out here going thru the same horrible loss. - Linda