LindaG

Next week it will be five months since Joe has died. I have to say I gave myself six months to keep pretty much to myself and work thru some of this knowing that I would try to not do anything impulsive for at least one year. My family and friends have respected this and have not questioned me. I'm starting to feel the "Now Whats" coming from different directions and it makes me anxious. No one is pushing but people are becoming concerned that I am not planning anything. My entire life I have been a planner. I don't want to move on - I don't want to start over - I don't want to think about any of it. It feels right now like the next steps will take enormous energy and determination and I don't have either. Financially, I can't take more than a year or I'll have more to deal with. I'm wondering how to begin to process for what has to come next. I don't know if I should be seeing a Psychologist in lieu of a counselor at this stage? If anyone can share ideas or experiences, I would appreciate the information. Thank you. - Linda G

Teny- When my husband first passed last fall, a grief counselor told me that you never get over but you learn how to manage the grief. She said I would learn how to not fall in the hole but to walk around it. I don't think from all I've read here and elsewhere that anything you are feeling is not normal. I think learning to walk around the hole is going to be a life long exercise for most of us. I try very hard to think of Joe at peace and safe. This gives me comfort. When it is really bad - especially early evening I take to dogs down to the beach and walk and talk to Joe in my head. The cold air and moving helps. It helps to have that day end conversation and it helps me to be able to get some sleep and puts my mind in a better place. Just an idea to try to help. Sending you a hug to beautiful Athens! -Linda G

Thank all of you. To some extent I relate to each and every one of you. I got thru most of today - okay. As I wrote on Kat's post, the realization that my family no longer consists of the majority of Joe's family becomes more and more evident. I really was afraid to let go of that connection and acknowlegdge that they have moved on with their lives and I am no longer an active member in that group. It's a hurtful thing but everyone I speak with mentions a similar story. My family does consist of my WONDERFUL parents who hold me together and make me laugh when I'm crying My friends that send me a note to tell me they love me and remind me that they are always there.... I have amazing friends all over the place but they connect on days like this. and I am grateful for all of you taking the time to share the difficult to make my difficult a little more understandable Thank you! -Linda G

Oh, how sweet. Thank you! The day is almost over and it was not as bad as expected.... as many of you had advised The leading up to was worse. I actually went to an Antique Co-op this morning and was able to not be weepy all day. My close friends and family all checked in. I was hoping for a card or call from Joe's family but a few sent an e-mail. Funny how hanging on to people that have moved on seems so important? I guess knowing that you are doing that is probably a good step to letting it go. Kat, thank you! - Linda G

My birthday is this week and I have anxiety about the day and not having my husband here to share it with me. The friends and relatives that have not contacted me in the five months since the funeral will send messages or cards and I know that will upset me. The closer friends and relatives will want to cheer me up ;(. It was always a dozen roses from Joe and we went out to dinner and he would let me pick something out as a gift. It was just nice and now it is just sad. I'm actually dreading it. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas/experiences of how they got thru their first birthday without your spouse? It seems worse than Christmas for some reason, maybe just the way that we always celebrated with just the two of us. Please let me know if anyone has any coping skills. Thank you as always. - Linda G

Korina- I have dreams of Joe in the early morning. I still don't sleep. A few hours at a time. It seems after I walk the dogs early I will lay down for an hour or two and I dream he is alive. The morning after he died, I drifted off for an hour and I heard as clear as a bell his voice saying "I'll see ya later" and then heard the front door close. I can see him clear as a bell in these dreams but he does not talk but appears to be not suffering. The thougths of him dying at work while in cardiac failure at such a young age, haunt me very day. In some ways these reoccuring dreams give me something I can no longer have and that is a minute with Joe. I'm happy to know other people are experiencing similar dreams. The experts would tell us our subconcious is hard at work but some of this I would like to think it is something beyond us trying to provide some comfort and ease. Thank you for sharing. - Linda G

Kat- I give you credit for comforting those around you as I think that is why we put a smile on our face. I thought I would be stronger by now and it scares me that in some ways I am less able to gain control. My inclination is to not fake it down the road but eventually I guess we all have to - to some extent to keep living. There is a part of me that still feels he will walk thru the front door at any time, although in my head I know that will never happen. Valentine's Day without your husband - how horrible. Every month is a birthday, anniversary, or holiday or a constant reminder or who is not here. The fact that fewer and fewer people mention Joe's name or his passing, is so hurtful and yet I have done it myself when I look back. I guess more understanding and less sensitivity? I don't know. Thank you for sharing. - Linda

Hello Everyone- It will be four months since my Joe died of a sudden coronary on Wednesday. His sisters talk only of their children and planning vacations. Our friends the same. Everyone with exception to my Mom and his, have "moved on" from losing Joe. No one mentions his name unless I bring it up first. My father asks me every Sunday on the phone if I know what I plan to do as yet...I can't plan... I can't think beyond the four or five hours in front of me. I'm exhausted and still soooooo sad. The crying and grief come over me still without warning. Someone will start to tell me a story about planning a cruise or something their children did in school and I feel sick to my stomach by their insensitivity but stop myself from saying anything as I feel like the continual wet blanket. I find myself avoiding people - good people to protect my feelings. It seems like the isolation of grief grows as time passes and people have moved on with their lives. I'm just wondering if any of you are sensing similar feelings and how you handle them. Thank you for listening. - Linda G

I sincerely think our friends and relatives are worried about us coming thru the grief in one piece. They see glimpses of the old us and hope we are on our way and then the holidays or a memory will bring us to tears. Everyone in my family at Christmas told me how great I looked compared to the last time they saw me (funeral). I don't think it is intentionally a lack of concern or respect for our feelings - I just think they don't know what to say. It is horrific to lose your husband in your 40's after ten years of marriage. What words could anyone offer - but I'm glad you're looking a little better? They want us to be ok because they don't know how to fix us. I had spent most of my adult life as a corporate meeting planner so for the first two months after Joe died- I planned my grief. I did my work in the morning and ran errands and then made sure I was home by 3pm to cry and remember Joe. To some extent - I still do this. I have to manage it or I will be in the supermarket or home depot and loose it. I can't control the grief and to a large extent it controls me. I guess you have to find a way to convey to the people that are with you all the time that this will take alot of time and you need them to understand. I have had to tell my parents several times that I am in serious pain and may never come back to be what they've known in the past. I would say be honest and direct with what you need right now. - Linda G

I'm finding this week to be more of a trial than last week. Last week was busy with family and preparation. My mind could drift from the pain at times. This week has brought me to my knees. I met my husband on New Year's Eve 2000. We were married in January of 2001. No one in my immediate support team can offer any words to lighten this tremendous sadness. I feel completely isolated no matter how many people are with me or reach out via the phone and e-mail. I actually feel worse this week than I have since he first passed in October. Is this normal? We did not have any children - so I am the one left. His family is out of state. His Mom sends me an e-mail everyday that just makes me cry and feel worse. Not her intention but I think she is leaning on me to help her thru. Not sure what I can do about that either but I am concerned as it is taking a toll on me. I've made a decision to move closer to Boston in late February - mostly due to the job market in my area and the need to find more opportunities. The house we shared feels like it is closing in on me at times and the amount of rent that I pay alone does not make sense financialy to continue. I just feel like an island in this process. Those who do not acknowledge Joe is gone and pretend all is normal drive me nuts. Is anyone else sensing any of this - and if you have - how do you cope? Thank you. - Linda G

Ted- When I first began the grieving process the first grief counselor that I met with told me a story of a man that used to take a beach chair to the cemetary every morning with his coffee and the paper. He would sit, drink the coffee, and have a conversation with his wife. I somehow found that comforting as Joe and I shared so many things just between ourselves, I felt I had no one else to talk to. He was buried in Mid-October and to this day (except for one bad snowstorm), I visit him at lunch for a few minutes and tell him everything that is going on. This works for me as the cemetary is close and sits overlooking a pond - so the proximity and peacefulness of the area - helps. It may not be a healthy thing to do - to hold on in this way - but it helps... a little. I may have been better off to stay away for awhile but I needed to be as close as I could be now. I also think at first somewhere in my head I did not believe it as Joe's death was so sudden and unexpected that I went to help it sink in and work on some of the closure- if that makes sense. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. - Linda G

Marty- Thank you. I may have not digged deap enough. I plan to stay with the site. I found the stories so sad that I was not able to read too much to be honest with you. I will come back after the Holidays and read thru your suggestions. I am working with a grief counselor and a Personal Coach. I've read about five books on the Widow's journey. A little information in each has come thru. I've saved them to read again. I will start a young widow/widowers group in January. It is all so painful and unexpected - that my mind wants answers - probably alot more than anyone can provide. I wish you peace and appreciate what you are providing for all of us.

Dear Rochel- I speak only for myself but I find I am too new to the grieving process to know if sharing my feelings here right now is of help. I need guidance and answers. I need to be told ways to process some of the pain and sadness. Joe has been gone for less than three months and wham it is Christmas. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was looking for examples of ways others were processing. I was looking for answers here and found everyone in my boat. I feel for everyone here but we are all in need of help. Some of us more than others. Sharing how sad we all are continually, I don't know if that is healthy for me as it further breaks my heart to read your stories and sadness. I wish you all the very best and hope to return once the enormous pain is more manageable. - Linda G

Debbie- What a fantastic idea!! I am going to do this. You've given me a wonderful way to remember Joe. Thank you. - Linda G

Linda- I think, unfortunately, bad behavior will arrive in all forms thru the next few weeks for all of us. My Aunt told me that when my Uncle died she put all of her cards from the extended family and friends in a bowl and opened them six months later. She said she didn't want to see the family pictures or read those horrible "what we've been up to" letters. My husband's sister sent out an e-mail to the family and her friends this weeking stating her Christmas Tree was up and she was done with all of her shopping... and she went on to say she could not wait to open her gifts. I read it and felt sick to my stomach. She also wrote a mutual friend that she was sad for two weeks when her brother died and now feels much better. She is not a bright woman and has made some horrible decisions in her life so I try to rationalize her behavior to that but it hurts and I take it personally as a disrepsect to my Husband's memory. Probably the wrong way to feel - but I do. I guess we protect ourselves by excluding these individuals from our core support system now and going forward. I'm sorry you were hurt by the insensitivity of that woman. -Linda G

Hello - After getting thru Thanksgiving, I have since avoided the "Malls, Garden Centers, Christmas Stolls, Party Invites, and the Rest...", as I know it will put me in a spin. I feel it getting closer or closing in me if that makes sense. The Holiday Hoopla. I'm getting a sense of anxiety over the coming weeks. I don't know if I should try to embrace some of it or just avoid all or as much as possible? I've deliberated for two days about buying a wreath for the front of the house. To the extent of stoping and picking one out and then not going forward. I won't put up a tree this year as all of the ornaments are "ours" and it is too soon. I had to send a few thank you notes after Joe's funeral in October and signing just my name was horrifying. I can't imagine sending Christmas Cards. I love Christmas. I love the music and all that it represents but I'm worried that I will be exposing myself to too much too soon and that will shut me down? Does this make sense? What are the rest of you planning to do for your first Christmas alone? Is it okay to set boundaries verbally to your family and friends? I've found I did receive a lot of e-mails this week to see how I survived Thanksgiving last week?? Which I thought was very kind. Please let me know what you all are thinking about how you will handle the rest of the month. Thank you - peace and prayers. - Linda G

My husband had a full work up every year at his Cardiologist and General PC. Sometimes I run things thru my head and find things that should have concerned us more but nothing blatant - nothing that said I am dying now of heart disease. Did he have an accident that he did not or could not tell me about that created a clot, etc? The funeral home called me today to say the final autopsy was complete and a copy would be coming my way. Will it bring me peace to know the step by step analysis of his death? We know his heart gave out but where he died at work in Massachusetts a full autopsy had to be done in Boston. It's been a long wait and one I am not sure I can receive. My pour Joe - my only hope is that he went quickly and did not sustain extended pain, which is how those on the scene did describe it. I've had another conversation with my Mother-in-Law and her raw emotion of Thanksgiving has settled. The insensitive have left her house and gone on with their lives. I have given the "Fruitcake" more thought and won't be sending it. Although he deserves it. It keeps this man in my life and I don't want that to happen. I had met a woman when I lived in Los Angeles who is a Personal Coach. She is now somewhat famous and published. I went to work with her as I was new in LA and a bit overwhelmed with a new house/job/city, etc. She told me to write down my support system. The "go to" people in my life. Then form a list of people who are close (family, friends) who do not support. She said let those people go. I did that and it opened me up to meeting Joe within the next year of living in LA. So instead of making horrible,impulsive decisions, I am re-reading her books and recalling her wise advice. I'm just mentioning it as I caught myself, and maybe her advice to me may help some of you. A little peace and prayers. - Linda G

Linda- I am right there with you. I try to do my work in the morning and run around in the afternoon as that is when the exhaustion and emotion really roll in. I just drove home and thought about driving down to one of the beaches and thought - no - I was there with Joe in early October. We had lunch and walked along the jetty, not knowing he would be striken in a few short days.... and then it all comes flooding back and I am crying again. I am told we should let all of the emotions out and not try to manage them but the pain is so intense that it exhausts me. The reality is - we can't change anything. We have to rely on the good help of professionals and others who have lived this and hope we come out the other side and are able to function again. I am having some clearer moments but to have his death happen a few months before the holidays, I am sure is adding to the already heightened emotion. I feel word for word most of what you and Steely write. You are not alone. - Linda G

The what "ifs" and the "I wish we had done" fill my day. My husband was only 39 when he died. It is so tragic for me and there are a hundred things that run thru my head every day as to what we could have done or said. A grief counselor suggested that I try to recall all that we did do - and not get stuck on what did not get done. He was just a wonderful guy who made me very happy. -Linda G

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts this week. I did spend yesterday with my family and my Aunt graciously and without mention did not serve her famous Parker House Rolls as they were Joe's favorite. Just a subtle act of kindness that no one noticed but I knew what she had done. My Mother-in-Law spent the holidays in Santa Fe with Joe's sister and her family. She said they came in the door laughing and did not mention Joe's picture proudly displayed on her kitchen island or Joe's death at all. They all avoided the subject until she disrupted the dinner to break out in tears and say a special prayer and words of love for Joe. She was heartbroken on her phone message to me this morning. My brother-in-law is a strange bird as my husband would have said and he is in charge of his families thoughts and actions. Joe never trusted or liked him. He is one of the family members who never called me or acknowledged Joe's death. My Grandmother, who passed in the early 80's was a Gibson Girl on the cross country rails in the 20's. She dated briefly Arthur Fiedler of the Boston Pops as a girl. She had a wonderful sense of humor and just enjoyed life. She and I were very close. She never drove so when my grandfather passed I would take her to run errands. Nana told me once that she had a neighbor outside of Boston that she never cared for as he was mean and disruptive to the children, so every Christmas she would give them the worst "Fruitcake" she could find. She said the heavier the better. The thought of my Mother-in-Law cooking a huge meal yesterday under such sadness to be met with no support - breaks my heart. The "Fruitcake" tradition will live on this year. I've already found a huge and somewhat heavy looking one in the Harry David catalogue. My Brother-in-law will receive it just before Christmas. Nothing will be said - but my Mother-in-Law and Joe's stepfather will find some relief from this ironic gesture.... and my husband Joe will have a big smile on his face from above!!! Thanksgiving is over but the month ahead will be tremendously difficult for all of us. I pray again that God holds us close and helps us get thru it. - Linda G

It has been less than two months since my husband's sudden death. Joe loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have been in a tail spin since Saturday. I think the reality is setting in and the shock is wearing off. Anger, anxiety, and a deeper sense of what is lost is now here. I spoke with a Personal Coach yesterday on the phone who worked with some of the 9/11 Widows. She was referred by a friend in Southern California. Her husband died very young and I felt a connection with her that I have not felt with other grief counselors. I think it is very important for me to reach out and find trained people to talk to and read. I have a few wonderful books on Grieving that I found on Amazon, and I read them often. This may help all of you as well. Someone told me that I will never be "Linda" as I have known Linda again. That is okay with me as long as I was able to share a portion of my life with Joe. If I have to transform and adapt due to this tragedy, in time I hope I will accept that change. Every counselor has suggested that I set my own boundaries during the Holidays. Keep it simple and make sure that we take care of ourselves. Tomorrow will be very difficult for all of us. I pray that God holds us all close. -Linda G

Rochel- I wish a Happy Birthday to Bob as well. This is going to sound crazy and I don't know where you live and what your current weather is like...but if you have it in you...go to a garden center and buy a small tree and plant it. Someone suggested that I do this on the anniversay dates and special occasions that surround Joe and the life we shared. I did it on the one month anniversary of his death earlier this month. It did help some. It got me out of the house and forced me to create a living tribute of that occasion. Just a thought. I will pray for some peace for you today. - Linda G

I am fortunate that I am able to work from home. A few people, and I have given this some thought as well, have suggested that I return to a Corporate setting in the Spring ( six months) and not be alone as much. I am wondering how you all are coping in the work enviorment? Do you find some benefit from having your mind busy and away from home? I have a few hours every day that I melt down and can't imagine being behind a desk and dealing with difficult people and not losing it completely. I'm just curious what your opinions are with regards to work and deaing with the grief. Thank you in advance. - Linda G

Hi All- I appreciate your kind posts. I think I feel it is somehow disrespectful to Joe - to not offer some words?? I am surrounded by good family and friends who have gone above and beyond to guide me thru some of this... Friends from years ago - that have had a Mass said for him as far away as Arizona. ...Ugghhh.... I just miss him like crazy and can't understand any of this. Thank you for your perspective and similar stories. What a horrible way to meet such a nice group of caring people. - Linda G

I slept in his truck the first night. I go to the cemetary every day and have a full blown conversation with him at lunch. I drive and drive and drive hours out of the way with no known destination. I received the bill from the ambulance and emergency room care today and fell apart for hours. Just looking at the horrible list of procedures that they tried to revive his heart. At first, I felt the need to keep "his" childhood friends close but as they ask me to send pictures of the grave marker and a picture for the deceased listing at his high school, I want to never hear from them again. I had his wedding ring sized days after the funeral so I could wear it on my right hand - I was in a panic mode that I would misplace it. All of my normal behavior is out the window and I don't care. -Linda G