Suzanne R.

Dear Nats, I also believe in eternal life after death with our Lord, but (and I'm not trying to push my beliefs) I just don't feel Danny with me and I think because we will all rise on the day of judgement that's the day he (and each of us) will be resurrected and judged. If I thought he was really watching over me and I felt him near I would love to talk to him, as you and lots of others do as well, but I just don't feel his presence. I don't think it would be help me if I were to talk to myself, I don't want to talk to myself,I'd rather talk to Dan but that's just me. I'm not saying everyone should think as I do. Thank God, we live in the U.S.A. where we all have a right to think and choose what we believe. You are very kind in letting me know that you feel my pain. You are absolutely right that it is about taking care of you and me and all of us right now. But I'm just working on trying to be kind to myself, because right now it is too heartbreaking and unbearably painful to remember the happy times. I guess it is too soon. I really do know intellectually that it is a gift to remember our loved one, right now I feel it would have been better to never have loved at all, because I didn't know that after Dan's death it would feel like this. Your prayers are appreciated. God bless you. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well. Suzanne

Hi dpodesta, It helps me to know that I am not the only one who finds it very painful to look at my husband's pictures. Someone actually told me that I was being selfish in not trying to keep his memory. They obviously don't know that we all grieve in our own way. But your comments reminded me that I am not alone and I am in the right place. God bless. Suzanne

Dear Jeanne, I don't think I'll ever forget my husband. We were together for 39 years and I fear I'm trying to forget him but I've read in other posts that it's just a coping mechanism that's common for some grievers to overcome overwhelming feelings that we are not ready to deal with yet. I would like to forget how my Danny suffered as well, but sometimes the thoughts come over me and I cry for the pain and suffering he underwent, so this haunts me as well. But, hopefully this too shall pass. God bless you too. Take care. Suzanne

Dear Frank, I have realized from reading posts, here and on other grief sites that others are similar to me in that they find it very disconcerting and heartbreaking to look at their spouses pictures. This, from what I've been told is a coping mechanism because I am so overwhelmed with grief, as you know we all grieve differently since we are each unique. I'm been told this is 'normal' for grievers and I still find it extremely fascinating that there are some, like yourself, who actually like to look at pictures of their deceased spouse. You would be surprised how many 'grievers' cry at the most inopportune times when they happen to be in public where they were with their spouse when buying groceries, et. You see, I am at an early stage, even though it seems to me like forever that while I know intellectually Dan, my spouse is really gone, my heart and soul haven't accepted it yet. With me it is sort of like how music played a part in your life with June. I am incapable of listening to any music or watching TV that we experienced together as a couple as my heart breaks in a million pieces when I just look at the title of music and TV programs that we both enjoyed when Dan was alive. At this time I don't want to overcome anything, I don't want Danny to be a memory, I just want him to be alive and well. I know this is an impossibility which is why I'm grieving. However, because we are all on our own pathway, I am really glad that you are able to keep June's memory alive by remembering her. In a way, I wish to God I could do that, it seems remote to me now, but maybe some day in the far future, I will be able to 'remember' Dan that way. I sincerely wish you peace and God bless you. Suzanne

I am in an analytical mood at the moment and even though I feel a heaviness in my heart and filled with depression I am thinking that I am trying to forget my husband because it is so heartbreaking to me to even know that his pictures exist and I remember them so I don't even bother looking. I really don't believe this but is it a form of denial to not want to remember him? I know intellectually that he is gone but because there is such a huge hole in my heart I think maybe a part of my mind still thinks it's just not possible that he can really be gone. I think I really am trying to forget him to stop this grieving heart from hurting and that's what scares me. Yet I don't want him to be a memory. That hurts too much and as you all must know the aching pain is unbearable. I believe that Danny is not an angel or a spirit or watching over me, and I believe this because I don't feel him with me or near me, so please keep this in mind as it would be appreciated. We all have our own beliefs. I don't talk to him because I know in my heart that he can't hear me. I just want to understand if you have this same situation where you are trying to forget your spouse in order to be good to your heart. That's what I think I'm doing, anyway. This is what's going on inside my head and heart so I am thankful that I believe you all understand that I'm just getting out my frustrations and thoughts here. I just have this need to speak my mind while I grieve. I don't know if I'm making any sense. But I knew you would all understand. God bless you all.

I'm just living with an unbearable knowledge that my husband is really gone. (I can't even say the word dead in the same sentence as Danny.) Right now I just feel so low and depressed and I am going through the motions of doing what needs to be done. I feel dead unto myself, I have nothing to lose, nothing to gain, I am carrying a burden and I'm just waiting for my own demise. Everything that I have to do in my life is done and I am so depressed, I wanted to get off this emotional roller coaster, but I don't even have the willingness to do that, so I live day by day and I hate the sunshine, I despise the chirping birds and I loathe laughter and I feel indifferent to pain. What I loved most in this world is gone and it means nothing to me anymore, being at the beach with my husband, laughing and talking with our family, listening to music. It all means nothing to me now. There is no point to anything any more. But, I do have to say that all of you who has tried to help me with advice, understanding and have been supportive and you are grieving as well so I am thankful for doing your best to help and I pray God blesses you all.

I think I may be having a major problem. At the moment I'm just ok but just minutes ago I felt a heaviness in my heart and chest and I know it's purely emotional pain. I don't know what to do. I'm just going through the motions of everyday living. I really don't know what's going on with me. A few hours ago I felt like I wanted to scream but I got over it. I feel like I'm never going to feel well. One minute I'm just sitting and staring and the next minute I feel exhausted and the next minute I'm gasping dry sobs and the next minute I think I'm going to be sick, emotionally sick. Is this really "normal" for someone grieving? One thing that I'm very concerned about is that every time I just think of my husband's pictures, I get that heart-wrenching emotional pain that I talked about. I really can't look at them and I don't know how anyone who's spouse passed away can actually look at their loved one's picture and talk to them and kiss them goodnight. I was there when I waked and buried my husband so I know intellectually that he is gone but can I be in emotional denial because I don't want to see his smiling face and the picture his sister took of us where he's kissing my cheek (in public) because I don't want him to be a memory. I thought denial was a part of the process of grieving. I'm all confused that I may be doing the wrong thing by avoiding his pictures which is a symbol of the fact that he is only a memory now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I don't want Danny to be gone. I want him to be here like before he got the cancer but I know that's not possible. I don't think I know how to grieve or mourn. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I wish someone would wake me up from this nightmare. I think only God can help me now. I just turn this over to Him and ask if anyone has any suggestions. Thank you and God bless.

At the age of 61, my husband passed away on January 22, 2010 from complications of esophageal cancer. I say that because the first 28 radiation treatments he got in 2008 got rid of the esophageal cancer but he had a reoccurance on the area betweeen his shoulder and neck in March of 09 at which time a Nurse Practioner I believe misdiagnosed him by saying it was a muscle spasm so we tried topical creams, heating pads and a chiropractor. The cancer pressed on his brachial plexus which is a group of nerves in which he was in excruciating pain down his shoulder, his entire arm, his elbow and right hand and it felt burning and tingling and numb which was inoperable and got progressively worse with time and he ended up just not being able to use his arm or hand at all and he moved it around with his other hand and all Dan's Primary Doc could do was give him pain medicine which didn't always work. The 11 treatments he got for this reoccurance which ended on August 6, 09 didn't get it but we didn't find that out until December 18th, 09 when the radiation doctor at Dan's follow-up said the cancer went into his lymph nodes. He said there was nothing else he could do and he didn't know where the cancer would go from there or how long it would take and neither did we because Dan was in too much pain to last the 35 minutes in the cat scan as he had to get out of the scan machine after only 30 seconds. I think the cancer spread to inside his head and his neck because he could only lean his head at an angle and whenever we had to move him to get him comfortable it was the most awful sights as he thrashed around and the guttoral sounds that came out of his mouth were worse than any horror movie I ever seen. He continually lost a considerable amount of weight in the last 2 years and muscle mass as well because he was about 100 lbs maybe less because he couldn't get up to stand on a scale any more. Things happened kind of rapidly as I remember he leaned on me as I walked him into the bathroom and helped him, his knees buckled under him when he was in the kitchen one Saturday and he couldn't go to his appointments any more, he started to have to use the commode but soon after had to stay in the hospital bed. Once I was afraid he'd hit his head on the other rail but I caught him in time. At about 1:00 a.m. on January 22 at least the last few hours of his life I think he didn't feel much pain because he just breathed evenly and steadily because he was in that breathing transition until he passed away. His eyes didn't even close, which was really eirie and that's the way the coroner took him and they must've closed his eyes at the funeral hom. Before they came for him his mouth stayed open for about 4 hours when those of us who stayed there with him noticed it closed. That was it. All this pain and agony and going to the hospitals and doctors and cat scans and pet scans and the needle biopsy in his neck that Dan said was the worst pain he ever had in his life and the pharmacy trips and the insurance saying he can't get the medicine because it was too soon until Hospice came into the picture. I honestly believed that Hospice was suggested only for pain management. We were always hoping for a cure or a healing or a miracle. All the healing services we went to, the 9-hour surgery on December 21, 2007 for another doctor to remove a different kind of cancer from inside his mouth, (which was when this nightmare started, that's when they found out about his esophageal cancer when they took a biopsy while having oral surgery), the muscle graft, and skin grafts, and removing a 12 inch vein from his other arm to put inside his mouth all for facial reconstructive surgery, the daily trips I took to get to where he had the surgery 20 miles away, the late night trains from a city loaded with crime coming back on the train at night to where we lived where the city was loaded with crime because I asked a church if I could stay there near the hospital and because the priest said he didn't know me so he said 'no', all the praying that I requested from prayer lines, the prayers I asked from family members, the flap he had to endure from the 9-hour surgery which he had inside his mouth where the tiny growth of cancer once was where food got stuck at times, the fact that he couldn't laugh the bellowing laugh he once had, the choking and gurgling as he tried to get the tiny piece of food that was stuck whenever his esophagus started to close, the care he was supposed to be getting at a post-op rehab center in which they treated him terribly, the port he had put in his chest, the feeding tube that was put in his nose, the nasal feeding tube they removed, the feeding tube they put in his stomach, the same feeding tube that was too small and came out of his stomach causing him much pain, the port they took out because after his chemo they never used it for blood work the reason for it being placed, the feeding tube they took out because it became dislodged and he told them he was in pain and he didn't want it anymore because we had to put ensure into it and clean it, the visits from visiting nurses which we were so glad ended, all the follow-ups when while we were waiting for our transportation and when we had a light lunch and where we had hopefilled good talks that I miss, the dental work for root canals and crowns so he could eat properly, the gastroscopies (every 2 months) because he choked from dysphagia as a result of the radiation treatments to his esophagus, the follow-ups with his gastroenterologist, the scare of having a stent placed inside his esophagus which Dan refused, another diagnoses of a MALT tumor lymphoma in his stomach from a biopsy that we didn't even know they took during his last gastroscopy, the transportation arrangements, dealing with people that have no clue what pain is or what losing a husband is like, the waiting for the gastroscopy (stretching of the esophagus) in the lobby hoping he didn't die while under anasthesia, the keeping track of all his appointments on my yahoo calendar that I thought would be interesting to look at when Danny was well enough. It all stopped. If he were still alive I'd go through it again and again and I would continue to feed him and take care of him and pray for him and pray with him. I don't want to accept that he's gone or accept that there is no hope for him to get better, that we could go on with our lives and watch our 2 month old granddaughter (Dan saw her for the first and last time the night before he died, Abigail was 7 days old) and her older brother grow up or our other grandchildren date and laugh and marry and get older. Life just stopped. The only reason that I get up in the morning is knowing that he is not in excruciating agony and his 2 sons and Dan's sisters can't see how he looked on his deathbed any more. I will spare you those details. Now, I'm trying my hardest not to remember how he was in the summer of 2008, when his sister took us to the beach and took pictures of us as it really is too much to bear that we lost that hope of him getting better. I don't know about anyone else but thinking of when we used to talk to my parents and his parents when they were all alive and when Dan's sisters came over to visit with all their hopes of him getting better were dashed when the worst thing in our world happened. I can't look at pictures of him when he was well because it is just too unbearable but only a few realize how I feel. Oh, well, I will get along in life, I actually made the plans for the wake and funeral and the church service and the burial and the family get-together on the days after Danny passed away and I thank the Lord that He got me through it. I am living and going to my appointments, doing my errands, and mourning Danny and saying have a nice day to others and doing what I can to get myself through the day, saying my prayers sometimes weeping through them. God is carrying me and our families are here as well as support groups. I just thought I'd write this in case anyone would like to know our sad true story. I know each and every one of us is bearing great crosses and trying to get through each day without our loved one. We are all caring individuals who got a taste of real life and we each have our own story to tell and we are helping one another. Maybe that's what we are all supposed to be doing. I just wish there was a way we could've figured this out without going through all this pain. Maybe there's just no other way. This is the beginning of my story at the age of 56. P.S. This kind of helped me so I really appreciate being able to say what I needed to say.