Suzanne R.

I just need to get this out, as I understand we are all in pain and trying to feel relief, we are all on our own individual place of grieving. In a way I really didn't want to post, but I am feeling horrible. I remember saying before that it's just another day today, and I still believe that, and I also really hate to whine and complain and b*tch but I have been having gut-wrenching tears the night of Christmas Eve, even after talking and carrying on like everything is "normal" when I know it's not, after 'my' 2 sons and their wives and 6 grandchildren left, I couldn't get to sleep and cried in the morning when I woke alone, thinking of the first 25 years of our marriage that at this time I would be cooking the 22 lb. turkey and placing the wrapped presents under the tree, (that we haven't put up in the last 9 years) making the stuffing that Danny used to help me with the night before because it took 2 or 3 hours to make, and baking sweet breads and buying groceries and he and I being a little snappy with each other because a little too much money was spent or everyone didn't always get here on time. But, the moment we all ate dinner after saying grace, it was all love and joy and peace. Not today. The memories haunt me. When I woke up alone and opened the one gift I saved aside that one of Dan's sisters gave me and it was a few feminine very sweet and touching gifts she so carefully wrapped inside of a lit-up Elvis stocking that sang "I'll have a Blue Christmas" because Danny once used to sing along with Elvis songs (he never liked receiving memorabilia or Elvis' movies) so of course I burst into tears. I just feel like life is over for me, but Dan's sister is a sweetheart, I would never say anything to her. Now, because of the place I am in at this particular moment I am mad, I am angry, I am filled with self-pity, I don't care about anything, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I really do know that everyone is feeling it too, but it seems like I am so alone. Right now, I hate living, I hate people laughing, and being joyful. I have been crying during Christmas day. I actually kicked a cardboard box. I never did that before. The box never did anything to me and neither did any of these joy-filled people and yet I can't stop feeling nothing but horrible. I guess that's what grief does to some people. Two days before Christmas I received the letter I had been dreading that in six months when a one bedroom apt. becomes available I have to leave the only secure place Danny and I resided in and our 2 sons grew up in and have been here for 30 years. I even had a letter from my doctor and therapist and a 3-page letter I myself wrote explaining in detail what Dan has been through in the last 3 years all to no avail. The ones who makes these decisions in the corporate office said they know the death of a spouse is so devastating and gave me 6 months. Wasn't that nice of them, a nice little Christmas present, huh? I am so mad. I never wanted to leave here. I know it's true that others have lost their house and security and worse things have happened and I feel for them, but I really really really wanted to continue to live here with his presence and memories as hard as it was, it will be all that much harder living alone without this safe haven I had. It's really true that it is better to be happy with what we have when we have it. Because the nice comfy rug can be pulled from beneath us when we least expect it. Now I feel I will be right back where I started and losing Danny all over again. I am so bummed. Just had to get this out. I'm all stressed out but it helped to tell someone about this. I don't want to tell anyone in my family as I'll be so humiliated as I was hoping against hope that I wouldn't have to move. At least I have 6 months to get rid of what I don't need. But, I'll be taking all of Danny's clothes and possessions wherever I go. I don't care what anyone says. When I'm calmer I'll get back to you all. Hope you are all doing better. Thanks for reading this. God bless, Suzanne

Hi Lonemare, It's kind of strange that when we each go through our grief, some things are the same with everyone, but everyone has their own perspective as well. When I took one step forward I started preaching to anyone who would listen, just like I was talking about my husband about my feelings to anyone who would listen. I don't have all the answers, so I wish there was something I could tell you, but everyone is different. I don't believe I did anything myself to cope, but I do remember giving everything over to God, because I know I can't cope, I can't handle the pressure, the depression, the lonliness, the emptiness. When anything sets me off, when I am mad as hell, when I feel bitter, and when I feel guilt, or sadness, I have nothing left and feel like He has stripped me of everything I loved in this world. I keep forgetting about this, and I guess that is how I coped by relying on my faith and remembering by happenstance that we are all headed in the same direction, and I am only one among millions feeling this pain. So, you have helped me by my trying to answer your question tonight. I have been crying gut-wrenching tears on Christmas Eve and during Christmas day and the tears flow every now and then, less than they used to, so my grief still continues and I know there is a reason for everything, and a reason for me being here but we all just have to post whenever we have the need, or talk to others, or be distracted by life going on even if we don't feel like going on ourselves. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you have peace somehow. I truly know how you feel because I feel it too. We all do. Intellectually I know I am not alone, but I feel all alone. So, it is good that we are all here to help one another. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

Well, It's been 11 months and I'm still reading posts, reply once in a while and still cry at the smallest or biggest things since the loss of my husband. You have all been very supportive and attentive in your advice and replies and words of comfort to my rants. I'm not going anywhere but in some ways I feel I am still the same, with the same thoughts and feelings and emotions. In other ways I think I have accepted everything, but I still don't want to. It's like an adult having a temper tantrum. In a way, part of me still feels in shock and numb with denial and the ongoing emotional roller coaster hasn't stopped. With every single time I am folding towels and socks to put them in place, like today, I burst into tears because he used to come in to the room where I dumped all the clothes on the bed to sort out and sometimes I lay on the clothes and he'd say, "I caught ya, sleeping on the job." LoL I also unexpectedly burst into tears last week when I thought what was an unusal package from the funeral home that came in the mail was a Christmas ornament that said, "Don't worry about me, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" because it seemed to be him, talking to me personally even though every one who had someone pass from that funeral home received one. I, like I think all of you am feeling really down, I think I don't want to ever feel good again. That's just me. Everyone is different. I just thought I'd check in to let you know I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers every day. If it wasn't Christmas, it would be another day, or another reason, or another thought about Danny that brings me down. I just can't seem to believe I can change my thoughts that I don't want to die but I don't want to live without him either. I'll be with family for sometime during the Christmas season, and I hope and pray each and every one of you have someone to be with every day for the rest of our lives. God bless, Suzanne

Hi Anthony, Under usual circumstances, being a practising Catholic, that I would never have even considered for one second going to a medium. I was told by family members I trusted that there was one in particular who gives a Postcards from Heaven "show" and I realized for myself just how she works. In my faith, it is not condoned but I have decided after the few experiences that I believe (for myself) that Maureen is a regular person who is a Christian, kindhearted, very funny, she is a person who has a heart of gold, she is considered a 'comedienne medium' and she does wonderful work for children with cancer and prays over them and when the need arises she transitions them to the next life. I witnessed firsthand how she has spoken (with her gift that was confirmed after she was in a horrible car accident some years ago in which every bone in her face was broken but the surgeons couldn't figure out that she didn't need any work done and she is still as attractive as before the accident happened. She has pictures and everything can be verified upon research. She told things about my husband that no one would know, (she advises everyone that she gets messages, but each person has to figure out what each message means to the individual.) I was told that Danny wanted to thank me for everything I had done for him to take care of him when he was with me, she said he was a private person and said I was everything to him, she said that he wants me to live my life because it's not my time yet, (I have been very understandably depressed and did not want to live without him,) she knew other things about the others who went there with me who were skeptical but became believers in her gift. She said to a few others in the room filled with people that their spouse wanted them to find someone else to love, but to me she said there are some and I am one of them that can only love one person in their lifetime and Dan was with me for 39 years, so this was a personal affirmation to me. She said much to all the others, she never gives psychic readings for the patrons' future, and never says anything bad to anyone, but she could tell some that their loved one died from hanging and they have admitted she was correct. This person would be the only one that I trust and consider a friend, she answered my emails as she did for everyone who contacts her it seems. She has 3 "shows" a week and according to the location and how many people can be seated and if appetizers are served it can be $40, $50 or $60 and some "shows" she donates all the proceeds to a non-profit center who takes care of cancer patients. I have never met anyone like her and she has helped people in the thousands. She always lets everyone who goes know that with that many people you can't be guaranteed a reading but you always feel better when you leave because she has a grace about her and demonstration that involves everyone. At the end of every "show" she always says our loved ones are not dead, they are just different. Obviously I have had a very positive experience every time I went. During the day she also does work for the police in finding lost loved ones, and supporting the grieving, and using healing techniques. In my opinion she would be the only 'medium' I trust explicitly. I hope you have a good experience, but I must tell you in my opinion I wouldn't pay that much to anyone regardless, but I don't mean to judge you, I just wouldn't feel right about not saying anything. This person I mentioned has had no person that I know of say anything negative about her, and she has a perfectly normal life with her family but since she has made this her life's work, she charges only for her shows, she is writing a book, and is making plans for a TV show. She had to stop doing private readings because this, her life's work, takes her traveling and having to come back to her children and husband, so she made priorities for what's most important to her. I still don't feel my husband with me, but intellectually I really do "know" he is guiding and watching over me. Yet, it doesn't stop the tears, but I have found hope and the answers in my quest to 'know' he will always be a part of me. She is that good. I also know I will never get over my grief, but going to grief meetings, counseling, and Hospice widow meetings has helped me tremendously to realize we can manage the grief better when we are ready and also the bereavement counselors where I go have much patience and compassion for those who have lossed a loved one. Good luck. God bless, Suzanne

It seems so really really weird. Year after year for my entire life of 56 years (I'm 57 now) I had Thanksgiving dinner with family and for 90% of those years we went to purchase all the groceries for the big day and also to make turkey soup after, mine was the best, and made absolute sure there was enough for the entire spread of snacks, desserts, etc., cleaned up the apt., I baked sweet breads and prepared the stuffing the night before, which took hours to make, awoke very early in the a.m. and prepared the turkey on the thursday morning of the big day. For the last few years it dwindled down, but I still am feeling weird that it is over. No 22 lb. turkey to prepare, and vegetables and stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy Danny always, always helped me and I can just see him stirring the flour I poured into the liquid butter in the turkey pan that we slowly created to make the luscious gravy, after which we drained and set the table for a feast and Dan and I always timed everything so he would carve the turkey after it cooled, and then serve it all up. We always had leftovers to heat up and eat for the rest of the weekend. No pies, ice cream, or crackers, fruits, assorted nuts, no nothing. There will be no strong scent of a cooking turkey here on that day or any other day hereafter. I will be going to one of my sons and their family, but feeling bad for my other son that I won't see him and his family. I am unable to see my newly baptized only granddaughter that often, so she doesn't even know me whenever I go to their place, so Thanksgiving is kind of a washout already. She was the one who Danny saw for the first and last time when she was 7 days old, the night before he passed away on January 22. When I go over there she won't stay on my lap and I know Danny would have loved to see her walking already. It's just really weird. I was always rushing around every year, writing my list weeks in advance, making sure we had everything, looking foward to everyone enjoying our meal together. Now, it's nothing, nada, zip and I am wishing it was over. The Saturday after I will not be able to get away from hearing the annual Christmas parade that they have in our city as it is very loud. I wish I could block out the sounds of the cheering crowd and from those Christmas ads on TV as well. How depressing. It's just really really weird. And I can't believe since today, which was Monday November 22, that marks exactly 10 months since he passed I am still weeping and sobbing at the drop of a hat. I only hope it doesn't get worse than this. My heart goes out to each of you and your losses and I will be praying for you all for your personal Thanksgiving Day. I don't know when I'll post again but I just wanted to let you know I'm still here as there's nothing else to do. Hugs to you all and take care. God bless to everyone here, Suzanne P.S. I am thankful that I have a place to go, I understand many don't have anyone and will be alone. If anyone would like to add what they are thankful for, it may be helpful to not dwell on what I (we) don't have. Just a suggestion. I know I needed to say what I am thankful for, if just for my own sanity. There are millions in the world that are dieing from malnutrition or abuse, so even though I am so depressed I need to keep my focus off the negative in my own life and remember my blessings, the most important of which was the gift that God gave me in Daniel, my husband and my loved ones. Take care.

I recently realized what my problem is. Even though I have had ups and downs, taken a step forward and two steps back. I know I'm doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. When I go out with family/friends I come back feeling good but I can't depend on anyone to fill Danny's place in my heart 24/7 for the rest of my life. Since my husband passed away last January there are times when I feel I haven't moved, and I can't move and I don't want to move on, not without Danny. I had great hope for a while when I felt better. Not only do I absolutely refuse to say good bye to my husband at the same time I simply cannot do it. Just the thought of saying goodbye to him is causing me physical and emotional turmoil. I just can't say goodbye to Danny. I have been saying all along I don't want him to be a memory, I want him here, with me, now. I am physically unable to move forward. On January 22, 2010 when he passed away, my life stopped, and my spirit died with him. Everyone is different, and I know everyone has their own way of doing things and can get on with their life, find joy, whatever, which is good. But for me it's just way too difficult to let him go. We were together for 39 years, the last three years were a constant ongoing race for him to get better, and now I find myself where I didn't plan on being, suddenly without him, and it's just too hard. All the running around to stay alive and now, it seems like all the praying, the hospital stays, getting his medicine, giving him medicine, getting groceries so that he'd gain weight, and it feels like everything he went through, his pain, his struggle, and for what, what a waste of time, going through all this pain. I think sometimes, what the hell was that all about. Now, I'm left alone with my wedding rings, what are they to me now, with him not here, and it all seems so pointless. I say every day to myself, 'I still can't believe he's gone.' I don't understand how my thoughts will change. I know we shouldn't say "never" and "always" but I honestly believe I will always think these thoughts until God takes me Home. And even if the worst thing happened and I lived and loved life and kept his memory with me, I don't want to have that kind of life, to be happy without Danny with me. I have been crying a lot lately and didn't want to depress anyone but I just needed to vent. Sorry to be "debbie downer." God bless and hugs to you all, Suzanne

Dear wmjsca, I feel so saddened for your recent loss. I post my discussions on other grief sites and of all the answers I have gotten so far for this post, you are the only one who understood what I meant. It just seems so eiry and weird to me that all of the costumed children just getting complimentary candy don't get it, but then neither does anyone for that matter, even some widows, but then again you did. Most likely because you have just gone through the terrible sadness and emptiness we all feel, but we all come to the decision that we feel so alone. I would like you to know that I felt from the day my husband passed on January 22nd 2010 that I have no joy in my life. I really meant it and I kept posting my thoughts which really helped to get the emotional roller coaster to settle. After my own path took me to a place where I was open to others and on the same page, I have to say I did feel better and had hope. We never really get over the memories and grief of our spouse but I have heard that not only time heals, but it's what we do with that time. All I can say is I truly know your pain, I felt it too and it still comes back once in a while, but for me I did feel better before the 9 months came since I started grieving. When Danny's pain ended that day my emotional pain began and I never, ever knew it would be like this. I have been told, and this is my personal belief, that our loved ones are not really dead, they are just different. I can't feel him, but I know that he is with me. I truly hope that you feel the healing on your own path. Once in a while, the tears come back, but I have heard from my grief counselor and the Hospice meetings I attend that we have to go through the feelings of grief, we have to fulfill our needs and one of them is being kind to ourselves. Once again I am so sorry, and I pray you have peace. Every single one of us know how you feel, but we also have our own perspective and it will take as long as it takes, we must do whatever it is we need to do to heal and I know I'm giving you a lot to take in. I post so that I can get my deepest, darkest thoughts out and rant if I need to and no one judges me here on grief sites. Please keep posting. I know it sounds trite, but thinking back it did help me to know that there are others who understand, they get it, they've gone through it. Support is what we all need right now, and I will keep you in my prayers. Sending you ((Hugs)) God bless, Suzanne

Maybe it's just me but I have never felt strongly against Halloween before, it was just a fun time for kids, going trick-or-treating, grandkids coming over wearing their costumes. And of course it was another excuse to eat candy, desserts or, whatever, caramel-dipped apples, cider, the whole bit. I never went out as an adult, never went to a haunted house, never had the desire, didn't decorate, but my husband's mother went way out for every holiday, all the funny decorations. But now, I have never felt so offended due to the way it's portrayed. Death, cemeteries, skeletons. It just makes me cry all the more, they all have no idea what death is really all about. I am so wishing this was all over, and I do mean everything. I'm just in a blase mood. I took a step forward and then a step back, but I guess that's how grief is, sneaking up on you, and remembering the good old days. Until if effects whoever has a death in their family, then they probably don't like Halloween anymore either. I'm feeling so sad and melancholy. I put myself on a strict, rigid diet because when I used to start eating anything good like ice cream, I'd start to feel good then, I start crying while I'm eating the ice cream, so I shut myself off from eating anything that's enjoyable, because life is not enjoyable without my husband here with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel him with me, but I know that he is, and my therapist told me I need to live from my heart and feel rather than allow my mind to take over me with too many thoughts. Don't mind me. I just needed to get this out. I hate Halloween. It makes me feel so depressed. The only good thing about Halloween is that after the day is over is "All Saints Day" which is the day we had the Sacrament of Matrimony to solemnize our marriage. Another day to get through. Then the next day is "All Soul's Day". Does it ever end? Maybe it's just me. God bless to you all, Suzanne

I am torn between saying nothing to be considered insane or sharing wonderful things that have been happening to me. I know you are all going to think I'm nuts. I just have a feeling. But I have to tell you or I'm going to explode. For the second time I went to a 'night out' with a few caring family members and about 50 or more strangers who have been going through grief from the loss of their loved ones. I had an experience with who I believe is an outrageously funny, kind, caring young woman who they term 'the comedienne medium' who gave most everyone in the room messages from their loved ones. She helps children with cancer mostly but also adults transition through to their imminent death. She was in a car accident years ago and the surgeons and professionals couldn't understand how she got out of the car (it was scrunched) and why she didn't need to have facial surgery even though when she came in to the emergency room all of the bones in her face were broken). (she is very attractive.) Anyway she gradually started realizing she received the gift of sensing others in the afterlife and helps cancer victims, prays over them, and does free readings for those whose lost a child, and helps others in many other ways, but because she has made this her life's work, she charges for what she calls her 'shows'. (I think the price is worth just being in the room with her, we were all laughing mostly,(which for me was a miracle in itself.) She told me messages that only I would know were from Danny, (crazy right) and that everyone whether they get a message or not left with a healing experience but not everyone is guaranteed a reading. I have felt disconnected from my husband since January 22nd when he passed but I feel quite different now. My skeptical son, my skeptical sister and her skeptical daughter got readings which are still giving them chills. They said that in no way she would know all the things she said. One woman and another younger woman both were told their loved one died from hanging and these two woman who didn't know one another said it was true. Everyone was aghast, but she said she's not a psychic and so never tells anyone anything bad will happen to them. She tries to keep it lighthearted because she knows it is a very serious matter but when you take life too seriously since we are all headed for the same place, you may stay in the same place for the rest of your life and not be there for our purpose to be fulfilled. Some she told that their husband who had passed wants them to get another person to love, and I and another widow were told that she knows our spouse was the only one for us. She told me things that I can't ignore, as skeptical as I am like Danny didn't want to die but the cancer went too far and that he wants me to live my life, to be independent, and it's not my time yet and to find my purpose, and I am half with him in heaven now, but when my time comes which is much, much later I will be with him in whole. She told others in the room many different things but to me she said that Danny said I was everything to him and he wanted to thank me for all I did for him to make him comfortable until his death. (I still have goosebumps) My son had something told to him very personal that only he knew about his 8 year old son and my sister and her daughter have had startling revelations and that our family is being helped by Danny and my other nephew who died from a heroin OD last June and that he didn't mean for his life to end that way (but it was an addiction) when our 42 year old nephew was alive he always used to say, I was told that he was afraid to die. She said many other things that no one would know. I believe that for the most part there are charlatans of course, and I don't like Sylvia Brown,(sorry), I don't believe in Tarot Cards, Astrology and I know I am a Christian deep down, but I also believe that this person that we all got a healing presence from is a person who has a heart of gold and everyone left feeling good. Both times I felt that Danny really was with me, and watching over all of us, and helping in a way he couldn't when he was here. I can't say that I am denying all of the thoughts I've felt before, but I (and I'm only speaking for myself) know without a doubt that I am at the very beginning stages of remembering Danny from the moment we met on Sept. 11, 1970 and all the good times we shared for the next 39 years. I find myself not being deep as in depression, talking and laughing more with my family, seeking other's views so that I can make Danny proud for every single moment I loved and cherished him and most of all feeling good for our precious memories. Say what you will, think what you want, I believe God wanted me to have an open mind and not isolate. There are some out there that we can consider to have certain gifts from God. I am thinking of what I can do to improve my attitude and stop being self-centered, and I'm only talking for myself, because there are so many people that are suffering out there, in pain, struggling that could use my help, I still cry hot tears when I think of my great loss but now sometimes I think of feeling joy and thinking of what I can do to help others which brings me tears of joy. Now, I regret saying in another post that I wish I could erase my memories for the pain I am in. I only pray each and every one of you can come to your own peace of mind and have some kind of hope. Hope to have a reason to live. I think it is important to be open to however we each need for our own personal pathway in life so, I AM NOT PROMOTING ANYTHING and I still feel my heart is so sad and I will still have grief and still ride this emotional roller coaster and feel sorrow for everyone who is going through this hell called grief and I keep you all in my prayers. God bless to all and ((HUGS)) Suzanne P.S. I wanted to make sure that you all know that I am not suggesting in any way that you should run out and believe everything everyone tells us, because we shouldn't. This has only been my experience and like I said, this site is not promoting anything and neither am I. Each of us has our own beliefs but we all have something in common which is in grieving in our own way and reaching out for help and helping when others are in need. But I couldn't help sharing the good as well as the bad.

Dear MartyT, This post was just my way of saying I don't like when someone who's widowed asks me the question,"What would your husband think.." I think that people who have lost a loved one should know that one answer doesn't fit everyone, sort of the same as saying, "it gets better in time". Lots of people agree with me about this and I thought some people may want to know that this phrase isn't always appreciated. That's all I was saying. Hope I didn't offend you. God bless, Suzanne

Dear KayC, The reason I posted this was because I don't like this question when a widow, who should realize that what works for one person, even many people, doesn't necessarily work for everyone. I guess each of us have our own weak spot. But you have an excellent point. God bless, Suzanne

Many feel the same as me for the sorrow and sadness we go through and I do thank you for allowing me to vent and share my deepest secrets and for your support but when someone says to me,"would your husband want you to live this way," whether they mean I am waiting for God, or not moving on, or saying I have no joy. I would like to say to those (just to let you know everyone here is very considerate and understanding) but I would venture to say to those who talk about what my husband would say to me, I don't understand why anyone would say this, because would anyone want to have a husband control his wife while he was living, so why would they want to have a husband control his wife from beyond (putting it nicely) because I can't control my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for being here, as I do find solace, comfort and relief here. God bless, Suzanne

Take this for what you all will but with regards to the saying "tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" it is in my opinion a crock, and I'm only speaking for myself. If I could I would erase, delete, brainwash all of the good memories (which was the last 39 years) and breathe until my last breath without the sharp, stabbing, painful, searing memories so that I will not feel, I will not have the aching, unbearable pain of a broken heart that's in a million pieces. I would rather think nothing than have thoughts of sheer torture and see my husband's picture without emotion, thinking, 'gee I wonder who that was' then missing him and wishing he were alive. I don't understand why others don't get what I'm saying. I'll just have to live with my own thoughts knowing that everyone is just in their own world because no one really knows me. I always thought I wouldn't be a good actor at all but I proved myself wrong. No one I know knows what I'm really feeling and thinking. No one can say to me 'time heals' and 'you will feel joy again'. To me this is just what others like to believe FOR THEMSELVES but I know in my heart of hearts the truth which is when my husband was alive, I was happy, and joy-filled and pleasant to be around, and humorous, (once in a while), I had good times, and liked to laugh and talk with him and cook meals so we could both eat at the table together, or watch TV and have ice cream together. Now, I only have temporary moments of joy, but then I remember he is not with me any longer and after almost 8 months I still go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I still feel grateful for all God's Gifts to me but I don't feel as grateful as when Dan was alive, I'm sorry to say. Because he is not with me I have none of these things now, but only act like I do for the sake of the fact I love my family and don't wish to make them as deeply depressed as I am. And yes, I go to a therapist, take medication, take care of myself, go to all of my appointments, go to grief meetings, do my errands, go to get the bare minimum of groceries for myself to eat but I don't even enjoy eating any more because he is not sitting across the table from me. (In fact there are times when I laugh I start to cry at the same time, and wondered if anyone else does that ) Without Dan's companionship, I just wait for God to tell me what He wants me to do. But as far as joy, and living life fully and happiness, I don't understand why even some other widows don't understand me. I don't get that. But, I just needed to say what's been on my mind and at least I have this group to share my darkest moments. I needed to vent, you don't have to reply. Thanks for reading my post. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Cheryl, My reply to you was not meant to seem uncaring. Maybe I am the one who is being too sensitive. I realize your helpfulness and encouragement was a very Christian way to be to me and others. I just feel like I need to explain every iota of ideas that don't appeal to me. You are being you and I wouldn't like to think my words were in any way rude, for you seem like such a good person, and to comment the way you did I can tell you have humility (and most likely other Gifts) as well. In my opinion grief can change a person as it seems to have brought out changes in me at times but it seems you have always been a person of character. I am so sorry if I came down a little hard. I hope this doesn't sound like an excuse but I have had my share of this emotional roller coaster and truthfully speaking even though I have always considered myself a Christian I have my anger issues with God. It comes out apparently onto others, so I am so glad it doesn't seem that I offended you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Thank you for your support. Take care and God bless, Suzanne

Dear Marion, Yes, I feel joy too at times when I hold 'our granddaughter' and talk and laugh with family which make these 'temporary distractions' to me seem a little better for the rest of the time when I am at home and I am reminded that I am alone. My prayers are with you in your loss also. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

Dear KayC, I would like to comment on your reply be reiterating what someone said to me once, "Be all who you want to be and let no one tell you how to work through this, only we by ourselves can ultimately work through this and in our own ways come to make some kind of peace with this terrible loss of someone that is and was so loved by us." I would also like to say that for me personally, I do what I need to do to take care of myself even in the sorrow and lonliness and sadness that I feel with my husband no longer with me. I go out when I need to and when I am invited, and I believe that we each have our own way of dealing with our grief, all the millions and millions of us and I am at peace with my thoughts that I feel are not a choice and I know I will have no joy in my life without my husband with me the same way I will always have blue eyes. I do thank you so much for your understanding and support and I pray you have peace and my prayers are with you. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Cheryl, I know you are doing your best to be supportive and understanding but I am not sitting in sorrow, I have surrendered to having no more joy and for me to live with myself and the way I think gives me peace. Not everyone has the same feelings and thoughts and I know that. Please don't take this the wrong way, because it is not my intention to be hurtful but I can't let this go by without explaining that by 'sitting in the sunshine' would not help me but it would be harmful to me because my husband is no longer with me, going out and sitting by myself would only bring back the memory of he and I sitting together and this would kill me emotionally because it would add stress the same as listening to birds sing would make me feel the same way if not worse. My husband and I used to listen to the birds together. Maybe I shouldn't have said this, I hope I didn't say the wrong thing to upset you because I know this may help some people and you are only trying to help. But I will absolutely, definitely, with 100% certainty be patient with myself. I do go to grief meetings, and counseling and a Widow's group and I also made a decision early after a few months after my husband passed that whenever family invites me to get-togethers I always go. Some people I know don't even do that. I always go to my follow-up with doctor's appointments and go to get my own groceries, and do my errands. So I do have to go for walks but I am not so inclined to just take a walk for exercise or for the pleasure of it because I find no comfort in taking walks, I am indifferent to sunshine and birds well... I won't get into that, I wouldn't want to depress you. I do hope that you are taking care to be kind to yourself and I am so sorry for your loss also. I will keep you in my prayers, if you would like as some may have different views about religion but I remember many people in my daily prayers, because that's just me. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Deb, I agree with just about everything you said, life isn't a choice, there is no right or wrong, this is how we felt or feel now, the only constant in the world is change, we make it through at our own pace with small steps, we also go through an emotional roller coaster as each day may be different, we must be gentle and 'kind' to ourselves, we don't get over grief, we get through it and we all heal and grieve to the beat of our own drum. My thoughts are how I deal and how I cope and I would only hope and pray for you that you get a good night's rest every night for the rest of your life and that your coping methods work wonders in your life and that you have peace and 'see the light at the end of the tunnel' as no one deserves to have this emotional pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, if it doesn't offend you, of course. I know this isn't a religious site and many may be sensitive to others beliefs but that's just being me. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Nats, I just wanted to say that I hope I didn't misrepresent myself when I said that 'I wait for God to call me Home, I wait to let His will be known to me' but I don't think I ever said that I have given up on life and if I did I apologize for that. Like I have said in other replies in case you missed my point I know in my heart I will forever have no joy knowing that my husband is no longer here with me the same way I will forever have blue eyes, I will forever be caucasian and I will forever be of Irish descent. I also have said my thoughts are not of my own choosing as I can't help the way I feel, how can I go against the way I feel and think happy thoughts for when I do this it would be a lie because I am not happy because he has passed and with him so did my spirit. I have temporary distractions like the bittersweet moments of being with, talking to, and visiting family but I go home and go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I am at peace with how I am doing the best I can with this traumatic experience of the loss of my husband. I also know that my thoughts are not anyone else's thoughts so I hope you understand that it is not my intention to be disrespectful of how you think or anyone else. I am honestly glad if others in grief can live and think on a different plane. I am unable to change for anyone but I am living peacably with myself for how I am dealing with what has happened in my life and what happened to my husband as well. His life was very sad, but he told me once that I was everything to him. Take care and God bless. Suzanne

Dear Marty, Someone said it best to me when they said,"Be all who you want to be and let no one tell you how to work through this, only we by ourselves can ultimately work through this and in our own ways come to make some kind of peace with this terrible loss of someone that is and was so loved by us." When this person said this to me I felt a sense of peace with how I deal with the greatest traumatic loss I have ever experienced. After this shock all that I think and feel has given me peace to think the way I do, that I wait for God to let His will be known to me, I wait for the day He calls me always knowing it could be 40 years from now, and that every time I see my husband's picture or hear any song whatever it is that we heard together brings me to such a low place that I know in my heart I have to keep these thoughts which is all that keeps me going from one day to the next. The joy that I felt when my husband was alive is gone (because he is gone) and because I think the way I do, I am at peace. What works for most people (even in grief) will not necessarily work for everyone. Every single individual on the face of this Earth is ultimately the only one who knows what's best for our own self and I truly believe God is working in my life. If I were to have happy thoughts when I remember my husband as a memory it would be because my heart has turned to stone. I am only speaking for myself. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Ron, I just wanted to clarify some things that I have said this many times that not only do I wait for God to call me Home and I also always say it may take 1, 5, 10, 20 or more years before He calls me Home but I also wait for God to let His will be known to me. I have also said that I believe there is a purpose for me, so I haven't given up on life, and I apologize if I forgot to mention that in my last post. I also want to make note of the fact that I believe it is God (and I speak only for myself) that is carrying me through each day. I have temporary disctractions when I visit family, or hold my (our) granddaughter in my arms or talk and laugh periodically with my family who I love each one very dearly but the bottom line is I go to bed alone and I wake up in the morning alone. One more thing if I may mention that when I say I don't think I feel, or think I believe, or it is my opinion but I know it to be a fact that because my husband is no longer here with me it is a known fact only to me that I know I will never have joy or happiness (just the same as it would be to say that my eyes that are blue now, have always been blue, and will always be blue in 1, 5, 10, or for the next 20 years and I will still be Caucasion and I will still be of Irish descent the same way I know that I will always have no joy or happiness in my heart for as long as I live (My eyes being blue, being Caucasion and having Irish descent are not choices) My husband is gone and because he is gone my heart is in a million pieces (metaphorically speaking) and cannot be put back together. My heart would have to turn to stone if I were to recover from the grief I feel. Every single one of us millions and millions of humans on this Earth is a unique individual and each and every one of us must ultimately work through our own grief, in our own way to make our own peace with the most horrific traumatic experience (in my opinion) that we have ever encountered. I just wanted to answer your reply to my post in order for me to not live with thoughts unspoken because in addition to grieving we all would find it extremely difficult to live with stress. I hope I answered your questions or have not caused misrepresentation. Take care and God bless, Suzanne

Mary Lou, I also take one day at a time. I believe that God, through help of others, is the only One who gets me through each day. When I go to bed alone and I wake up alone and when I am alone during the day, He is with me, although sometimes I have to remind myself of His Presence, as I am only human, a human who is in mourning like everyone here. In some ways I am getting worse as time goes on. My heart that was in a million pieces (metaphorically speaking) would have to turn to stone for me to have happiness again which I do not forsee happening, however, there are temporary distractions like seeing loved ones, talking, holding my (our) granddaughter, laughing, but then I remember that my husband is no longer here with me so whenever I think of him, I grieve and I forsee that I always will. Thank you for your reply. God bless, Suzanne

I just wanted to check in and I notice to those of you still here and that there are those who are new. I think that each of us has their own individual way of getting through these dark days and I have my own perspective that I have already mentioned in many discussions before, that I know in my heart my joy in this life is gone as my 'spirit' passed with my husband when he passed away 7 months ago on January 22, 2010. I am so sorry for all of your sadness and sorrow and I know it's just so unbearable to get through each day, and I also wanted to let you know about a few things going on with me. A huge issue with my family has been unblocked at least on the surface. What I'm talking about is that two days ago my brothers and sisters and most of our adult children and their kids actually got together for a family cookout that I attended in which all of those that I mentioned before in another post had major issues. My eldest brother who just turned 70 refused one of my sisters the knowledge of his upcoming fatal diagnosis that he only has 9 months to live due to liver cancer. A month or so ago after the most horrific tension, past fights, anger and stress from disagreements which caused him to deny our sister the right to be at his wake and funeral when he dies, but I noticed after we were all getting along in one of the pictures that were being taken on Saturday, my brother's arm was around her shoulder and it's such a momentous occasion I had to share it. I have nothing to do with the problem, but I think the help for our family being united came about from my husband (who passed as I said) together with one of my other sister's son who died last June of 09 and this is nothing short of a miraculous event. I prayed for their help (my husband and my nephew) in the afterlife after I received a message that they are helping our family unite. Never thinking this would ever happen this has changed my views about some things. But it any case I now truly believe that my husband is aware of what goes in in this life with me and all of us ( I didn't before because I felt disconnected from him as we were together for 39 years and then there was nothing,) I still find it hard to talk to him because of the fact I am still deeply depressed and I want him here and now.....I don't want him to be a memory. Well, the other thing I wanted to ask of anyone who wishes to comment that lately I've been getting a lot from different sources that we have a choice in how we feel. But I don't believe this, I think Abraham Lincoln was wrong when he said, "We are as happy as we make up our minds to be." (I don't think he was talking about widows) and I am adamant about how I feel that how can I choose to feel joy if my beloved husband is not here physically, how can I feel happy is beyond me. I know I will never feel happy again, but others, even widows from my grief meeting which really kind of annoys me (sorry to say) that they love life and they are living again and they believe I will too one day. This really gets to me because I know in my heart that my life in this world is over and I just wait for God to let me know His will (which I've said hundreds of times) and I just wait for God to call me home. Does anyone here have any thoughts that we can choose how we feel??? I just don't get it. But I will do my best to accept differing opinions. I just know how I feel and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Well, I pray you all have peace and (((hugs))) to everyone here. God bless, ReneeArose

The day after my birthday on August 12, 1972 my husband and I were wed by the Justice of the Peace when his sister and her husband were witnesses. They were the only ones there as I was a very young 19 and there was no celebration, no reception, in fact I was so young and naive I didn't even care that there was no big to do. It was just a simple formality but it was a very special day ingrained in my memory for us to say to each other that we love each other. It would have been 38 years today but I guess that wasn't meant to be. We were together for 39 years because we met on September 11, 1970. We were able to have our marriage blessed by the Sacrament of Matrimony on November 1, 1974 at which time the witnesses were Dan's parents and one of his other sisters. I don't wish to be reminded of any of these events especially the day I was born because he is not able to say those horrible words, that awful phrase with the initials H.B. I hope you get my meaning because yesterday was the first day in 39 years that I didn't hear those words from Danny's own lips. I would rather not hear those words for as long as I live because it is just a day, the day I was born, that's all. I don't mean to sound cold or unfeeling. I don't tell my loved ones this because they wouldn't understand I just say thank you and leave it at that. But I think that all of you here understand how I feel. Danny has ceased to exist and nothing means anything to me any more. There will be other days that have a meaning only to me that will be extremely difficult and if you don't hear from me, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, still reading, still lurking, but in a deep depression because all I would really like is an embrace that I can no longer feel from Danny. He is no longer with me and as I type I weep because I truly feel .... no wait I know for a fact that my life is over. God has a purpose for me. But I still am empty, saddened, disillusioned, disheartened and lonely without him. I am merely existing. I just breathe, but I would rather not. I feel so sad for all of you here that are struggling, and are in the same pain as I. I know how all those feel who have lossed their loved one be it a spouse, a child, a sibling, a relative or a very good friend. I will be going out soon to attend a grief meeting so I just thought I'd let you all know I remember you in my prayers each day. I am so sorry and sad that you must go through this too. I wouldn't wish this unbearable ache in my heart for my worst enemy, but I am especially sad that all you who are so caring are not deserving of this fate, this sorrow is intolerable and I have come to think of what I have called T.E.D. for short which stands for Terminal Emotional Disorder. It's just what I must live with until the day I pass. God bless each and every one of you. Suzanne

Hi Karen, I am saying what I'm feeling and I believe this to be true just for me. Every single one of us has our individual unique pathway, but I believe the pain is all the same. I am so sorry for your loss and also if I was misleading you with my own grief. I come to this group site to share my deepest, darkest feelings that only those here can understand. I want you to know that there are those who grieve and get through to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just honestly feel, just for me, that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. However, I also truly believe that God is carrying me through from one day to the next because He is the only one who can. When I share with others, and I receive messages that others know how I feel, I feel still sad but also some relief that I am not alone. Consider the fact that everyone has similarities but we all have our differences in how we react to our own situation because I believe God made us all different but I think He made us to help one another too. I pray for you to have peace somehow. God bless, Suzanne