Suzanne R.

It's been 6 months today since my husband has passed. I recently have started crying again as if it were yesterday. Because my heart is in a million pieces it cannot be put back together and I know that there are others who are trying so desperately to get through their grief but I am unable to. When others tell me, "Oh you're new to this, it will take time" I have to cringe. In some small ways I know things are different because I know in my head and my heart he is really gone, but that's what makes it so difficult for me. I don't want him to be gone, I don't want him to be a memory, I don't want to be by myself, I want to see him, I want him to see me. I said this before and I need to repeat that I have no joy in my life because he is not here with me, and I despise the filtering sunshine as it tries to creep through my shades that are always drawn, and I loathe the chirping birds and try as I might I can't get out of my head swimming at the beach with husband or listening to his bellowing laughter and talking with him and now we'll never watch our children, our grandchildren and our only 6 month old granddaugher grow older and it breaks my heart to see her older brother smile at her and show affection and run and play. When my husband died, my spirit died with him, things will never be the same and only by my Faith and all of you here and support groups can I move from one day to the next. I just wait for God to call me and I feel like I am the saddest person in the world, but I know that I am not because I know you all understand. God bless all of you here, Suzanne

Thank you all for your helpful comments and support. It is good to know that you are all here and I so appreciate your kind words. May we all have some kind of peace from within. I know now that all I can do is pray for him as I pray for all of you as well. I place it in God's Hands. I don't regret trying to help. Thank you again. May we all have peace somehow. God bless, Suzanne

It is such a huge, heartwrenching, emotional turmoil that we all go through when we have already lost our loved one. To have the knowledge that someone we love dearly will be passing soon must be overwhelmingly sad. I have experienced both and I know that all of us are having a really difficult time with our own emotions and lonliness and despair. But I wonder how it must be for the person who knows they are going to be dieing, I can't even imagine, I haven't had that experience yet, but I think that must be a tremendous burden, especially those who aren't fortunate to have any faith and don't believe in a life after this one or if they believe in nothing, not God, or Heaven or the Judgement day. I can't even imagine what must be going through their minds. It's true that we are all on the same journey, but are on different levels because of where we stepped on to this journey. The reason I brought this up was for very personal reasons. I got the backlash just today from my eldest brother who is dieing of cancer who seems to me to be full of anger, hatred and lies, lies about my own son who I know is the farthest thing from the truth for what my brother believes it is ludicrous and pathetic, and I don't know why he would even think this. It's a long story but I don't even remember the last time my son spoke to him socially because we live in different states and this son is the most ethical, respectful, common sense-filled person I have ever known, he doesn't gossip and doesn't even listen to me when I tell him family things, he is so far removed from any of this, and my brother actually believes that my son is the one who told my sister that my brother is dieing which is what my brother didn't want her to know because he doesn't want her at his funeral. I don't know anything that is going on with my siblings because they have a history together as they are all older and always went on trips together. If you were to look in the dictionary my name would be under the word naive. I called him to ask him to consider forgiving to leave a legacy for his children and I think it's because of his fear of death that he's actually believing my son had anything to do with it. My brother who I always looked up to is dieing and because I'm so afraid of my own health will be put under stress that I can't call him and talk to him now. It's out of my hands. I must turn this over to God. I tried to do what I thought was the right thing and I'm just thinking to know your dieing must be worse than even losing a loved one. I think something snapped inside of his head because he really believes this about my son. So, I've been advised by someone I trust to just let it go. I try to get to the root of things and fix them, but she said don't tell my son, don't tell anyone, it will only make matters worse, but I just don't know how to let things go. I never really knew stress until now. I have my own issues with losing my husband that I'm dealing with. After my brother finished yelling at me, he hung up on me and now I am literally shaking and sobbing. So, he must be going through hell knowing that he is dieing. I feel sorry for myself just for what he put me through but I feel sorry for him as well. I would rather do something good instead of feeling sorry for someone but I just don't have that skill, I guess. I know now that I am not a mediator, I'm not a peacemaker, but I know in my heart I am not a troublemaker either, and I know only God can read my heart. I'm sorry to be long-winded but if I didn't share this I'm going to explode into a nervous breakdown. I pray for you all to have peace. And me too. God bless, Suzanne

I wish everyone would not have had to go through this. I've been thinking all day that today being June 22nd it was 5 months ago since January 22 that my husband Dan has been gone. I am still heartbroken, and longing to leave this earth if only just to stop this aching heart and heal the bittersweet memories that have passed, but for some reason only God knows I am still here. Everything I do are just temporary distractions until the day I will be gone too, but He is getting me through each day somehow. I still have moments of grief and sadness and crying because he isn't here to tell me to "take care of my arthritic knee, you really should have that checked out" or that he's "worried about me because of the pain I feel from an abdominal muscle when I turn a certain way" or in the middle of the night when I get a muscle cramp in my calf or my foot as he would massage my leg, and only he would be able to relieve me of the pain. He also used to give me a foot massage and I remember laughing because he used his own idea of a rolling-pin technique. Now whenever I laugh when I'm at home alone, I can't help but cry by myself because he's not here to laugh with any more. Now I am so alone and I'll never see him again in this life and he'll never see me, he'll never give me an embrace for no other reason than he happened to be close by so it was the only thing to do. (an inside joke of ours) And it always happens when I "forget" that he's gone and I'm in deep in thought when I'm doing research on something important or not so important and when I'm done and ready to talk to him about what I've been doing on the computer I burst into tears because then I remember he's not here to tell. All my life I always remember hearing that we are not going to live forever and that we are all going in the same direction. But at the age of 61 he and I had so much more life left and so much more to do and now I would hope I don't have to live past the age of 56. I know I won't be celebrating any more birthdays because when Danny died, I did too, so now I will forever be 56 in my eyes because Danny will always be 61. With all the pain going on in my heart, in my life, with my family and with everyone's sorrow how long can we take it. I have been full of sadness today and pray everyone has peace somehow. Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings. God bless, Suzanne

I have three brothers and three sisters. The other day I found out that my eldest brother who will be turning 70 in August was diagnosed with liver cancer and has 9 months to live. There are so many issues going on in our families it would fill an Encyclopedia. I am filled with so much emotion and anger (because my brother doesn't want one of our sisters to be told because they have anger issues). My brother doesn't want her to know also because he doesn't want her at his funeral. I will be going out with her to lunch next week and I'm supposed to act like nothing is wrong, although I just found out yesterday that she knows about his diagnosis but I don't think she knows that he doesn't want her at his funeral which is what he told all of his immediate family to make sure of this. He has a right to live the way he wants, especially now, I guess, and I mentioned to him that I think he should tell her himself, but its out of my hands now, because I must respect his wishes. I know what his wife will be going through, and they both think she'll get through it. Oh my God, she has no idea and how can I help her, I wish I could, but I can't even help myself. God is what gets me through every single day as I turn everything over to Him. I wish He would have called me home instead of my brother but I guess He knows what He's doing. Maybe I don't want to know what He's doing. Well, anyway, thank you for letting me vent my feelings. It's really good to have a safe haven here. I am still grieving and I know all of you are too. I just want to say that all of you here make a difference in my life. I believe that God has led me here. Thanks again. God bless you all, Suzanne

Thank you all for your replies and the links. You have been very helpful. God bless you all. Suzanne

I know this is normally a site to lend support and vent our feelings, but I have been consumed with concern about another issue in which I would like to obtain knowledge. Does anyone know if AARP is reputable for their benefits specifically their life insurance policy. I don't want to start paying premiums and then have my 2 adult sons find out later that they don't/won't pay for the remainder of my funeral expenses. I don't even know how it works. Is there another life insurance that anyone has or knows about that's better? I need to get this straightned out before anything should happen to me and I wouldn't be able to be buried next to my husband when my time comes. I want to have one less thing to worry about right now. I don't want any more stress in my life than need be. And I know you all understand how it is going through this grief. I want to express to everyone here also how I still remember you all in my prayers. Peace to you all. God bless, Suzanne

One of Danny's sisters who I call and we can talk for a good 2 hours sometimes is very good to me because of the love she had for her brother for his entire life (and me for 39 years). The same is true for his other 3 sisters. My siblings and all of our nieces and nephews and Dan's whole family grieved with me at the wake and all said if I want to talk, if I want to go out, if I need anything, to call. And I do love them all for that, but I figure if I'm depressed and I call them then why have 2 people be depressed. The thing is it seems to me that no one truly understands. Nobody gets it. Dan's sister said to me to get my hair done, get some new clothes, she's happy when I tell her that someone gave me flowers from the family gatherings I've attended, because she wants me to do nice things for myself. Flowers on my table is not going to make me feel happy. I can only speak the way I really feel with very few people. She gets upset when I say I'm just waiting for God to call me. Other people have too. They can only imagine what its like living alone without the love of their spouse, and they all think I'm actually going to feel better when I do nice things for myself, when I get my hair done, or go out to take a walk. Give me a freaking break, I say to myself. That is not going to do anything for me, its not going to make me feel better or make me happy. Some have told me to remember good times. Are they kidding me?? This really ticks me off, because if I were to do this, this means that the farther away I get from the day he died which was on January 22, the more of a memory he would be and I don't want him to be a memory. People can say anything they want, but that's how I feel. And I can only say that here. This is why I'm posting this right now, because I know you all understand like no one else can. I don't want Danny to be a memory. It is still very difficult to look at his pictures. I'm in the process of finding a counselor, I've heard that it helps others, but I'm just doing what I need to do each day but I'll never ever be satisfied with Danny being a memory. It must be wonderful for others when they remember their spouses and smile. Remembering good days with Danny doesn't do that for me, as I am unable to remember him with fondness of the past and smile. To me this is inconceivable. I don't care what it says in the grief books, and doing grief work. At least I'm not hysterical at the moment, but I'm calmly just stating a fact. I can only come here and reveal these deep secrets that no one else seems to get and I want you all to know how much of a relief and how grateful I am that I can say that and no one will get angry with me or will not say, "Oh, don't say that." So, thank you all and may we all have peace somehow. God bless, Suzanne

Dear Billw, I know exactly how you feel, I really do and I know because I feel the same way. I wander from one room to the next, only watching safe TV (meaning not anything that Dan and I used to watch together), I can't bear listening to any music, and thoughts just come to me of memories I don't wish to have right now. Only those who are going through this horrific ordeal of living while their spouse is gone can know. There are a few who have insight, but they are not living it. I have crying spells, anger, depression, dark thoughts, I avoid my husband's pictures, and with these feelings and thoughts I even have alienated a few people. I can't help how I feel and I know in my heart I cannot be truly happy again. Life is only livable a day at a time right now for me and I'm doing what I can. It's been 4 months ago today that my husband passed away at the age of 61 from a reoccurance of esophageal cancer. Two years ago he had 28 radiation treatments, 1 chemo treatment (Dan was supposed to get more but he refused which I was told didn't matter in the end) and the treatments caused him to have dysphagia which means every 6 weeks his esophagus kept closing and he had to undergo a stretching of the esophagus every 2 months because he choked on food that got stuck. It would fill a whole page if I explained further all he went through in the last 3 years of his life. The last 11 radiation treatments he got in August of 09 didn't get the reoccurance. He finally rested in peace after going through so much pain on January 22, 2010. I also want Danny alive and well, my worst fear is being 95 years old and looking at his picture saying, "Oh yes, I remember him, he was a good man," which may happen being that I'm 56. I feel like I'm the only one that's going through this but I know that there are millions going through these same feelings. I finally reached out for help because all I want to do is isolate and I feel so heartbroken and burdened I can't see any way out but to let others know how I feel. I've been told that these feelings you and all of us are having are "normal" for those who are grieving. Just please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. God bless, Suzanne

I thought I'd wait until after the weekend but then I thought why wait. I just wanted to let you know how thankful I am for all of your words of comfort. Even in all your own personal grief you are taking time to be supportive, and helpful and it really is appreciated. The other day I finally told my PCP what I've been feeling and thinking and I started crying, right there! I was in shock, not only because I never did this right in front of anyone before, but because he always seemed a bit cold before, to me and my husband. But, he couldn't have been more understanding and sympathetic. He knew exactly what I was going through and I told him I didn't want an antidepressant because of the ads on TV that say these medications could give someone suicidal thoughts. But he said he doesn't believe that. He did gently persuade me to take the script he wrote for panic/nervousness attacks. So I filled it just in case. I also have a list of counselors to contact for the one who is right for me and who takes my insurance. So, I have a little homework to do. Ah well, something to do and look forward to doing, except having crying spells, dark thoughts, avoiding Dan's pictures, and feeling depressed and oh so lonely. But of course I have you all here as well which makes me feel better. Today marks 4 months since Danny passed away and while I feel worse in some ways, I feel better knowing you are all here and I haven't been feeling this for a long time but I am really grateful to you all. May you all have peace somehow, in some way. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. God bless, Suzanne

I know I've heard plenty of times that it is normal for 'grievers' to feel despondent and wish to be with their spouse who has passed on. But, it doesn't feel like it's normal to me because I don't want to live any more, although I am not going to do anything to harm myself. In fact, I am on a food plan of salads, yogurt, etc. and I am doing whatever it is I need to do to live from one day to the next. I stay in for days at a stretch but I go to appts., do errands, pay bills, because I have to, I cry during the day, get my groceries, go to family get-togethers even though I'd rather not, but I know the family wants to see me and I want to see them (before I go). But, I want to tell my PCP that I have these thoughts and that I'm just temporarily distracting myself with these routine daily things, I really and truly don't want to live anymore, not without my husband who passed away on January 22, 2010. I want to tell the doc. this, and I'm just waiting for God to call me. I really don't want to go to the doc, but I think it's time for a therapist so I'm planning on asking my PCP for a referral and doing this soon. The problem is I think if I tell my PCP this I'm afraid he might think I'm suicidal and have me committed by obligation or inform the authorities. Does anyone think this could happen? Has it happened to anyone that you know of? I've been having crying spells more lately even after the tears stopped for weeks, they're back again. I still have panic/anxiety attacks but they have subsided somewhat. But I still can't wait to cease to exist so I won't feel the knowledge that Danny is gone and I know in my heart that my life is over, while others are getting on with life and working through their grief. I just won't be happy for the rest of my life and no one can tell me any different. I don't want to live. I truly hope I haven't depressed anyone or upset you, but this is how I feel. I'm ready to leave this world but I don't want to do it via an insane assylum. Thank you so much for reading this post and thanks in advance for any advice or support.

I am still here, reading posts, crying during each day, deeply depressed, grieving for many reasons, grieving for my husband, grieving for his pain, grieving for what he went through the last 3 years of his life, grieving for what will never be, grieving for what Danny will be missing, grieving for him not being with me through all the events throughout the year that we participated in together like being with our 2 sons and their families, graduations, birthdays, our grandchildren growing up, family get-togethers and other special days not to mention holidays. I'd rather not mention them as I'm not looking forward to feeling isolated and lonely and feeling depressed without him. I even miss going with him to his follow-up appointments and what could have been. At Dan's last appt. the radiation doctor said the last 11 treatments didn't get the cancer, he didn't know where it would go or how long he had left and he coldly said there was nothing more he could do. Danny passed away 35 days after that appt. and I wouldn't have thought this would happen in a million years. I am still shocked about this ending to our life (because when he died, I did too) and it seems like he really shouldn't be where he is in the cemetery right now. It is the worst nightmare imaginable. I know in my heart which is broken I can't get over this loss. Even after 109 days. It would be really hard to watch TV programs that we once watched together so I just happened to notice on the information of Dr. Oz that there is a pill that can get rid of cancer. Where was this information when we needed it?

Dear Ipswitch I just wanted to let you know that Dan struggled with pain, and anguish for the last three years of his life but it wasn't until 35 days before he passed away that Dan's radiation doctor told him that the last round of treatments didn't get the reoccurance of cancer and it was on December 18, 2009 that the dr told us he didn't know where the cancer would spread or how long he had left. (he even said it could be months or years, even the Dr. was shocked when I told him he passed away after only 35 days) We always believed even after this devastating news that Dan would be healed or cured or have an operation or something. So since we didn't know at the beginning of this nightmare in which I'm still living that Danny would have 3 years left. We had no idea. We always thought when he gained some weight back, if the cancer hadn't reoccured, he would feel better and live to tell our grandchildren about it. We didn't know he had 3 years. Now, I am still living in this nightmare which I'll never wake up from and I had no clue that when Danny passed away I'd be feeling like this. Three years of struggling not knowing his time was around the corner was no gift. If would have been a gift had I known, however. God bless, Suzanne

Hi Sharla, You are among the few who understands how I feel and I wanted to thank you for your reply. I too am so sorry for your loss. Those who know are those who in such sadness and pain. Take care. God Bless, Suzanne

Dear MartyT, I would like to express my deep appreciation for the link you provided in your reply to my post. The blog that Kelly Buckley posted is very close to how I feel and think. I cannot thank you enough for understanding me. We each are going through so much and to know there are a few out there who has a clue, it's just too bad that those who have a clue are the ones who are in so much sorrow. Take care. God Bless you. Suzanne

I don't understand why I keep getting messages for me to go to my doctor. He's only a primary care physician and he only writes out prescriptions and orders tests only when I tell him I have a medical problem and when my husband was alive he did the same for him. He doesn't know anything about what it's like to go through the loss of a spouse. My PCP as a general practioner doesn't know anything about specialized medicine like cancer, grief, stress etc. He'd write a script for pills and then I'd be left to suffer the side effects and as it is I'm already taking 5 prescriptions for medical problems. It was my understanding that we must do our 'grief work' and I can't do that when I'm sedated. I'm sleeping too much as it is. And besides if I die of a broken heart what difference does it make. My husband is gone and no one is worried about him. He's in a better place than I am, or so I've been told. P.S. I would like everyone who replied to my posts that each and every one of you who sent me gifts, hugs, condolences, words of comfort and wisdom, even though I along with everyone here who are in much grief and sorrow, and even though I am so depressed and crying, I am so touched and amazed at your heartfelt compassion. Besides my grief support meeting at Hospice these grief sites are the only place I can go that you all make me feel so understood and each of you are so supportive. I read your emails and replies again and again. You are all so helpful and I am truly grateful.

Would you write a story/book of the experiences of 3 years of much anguish and pain and turmoil that you and your spouse went through after he/she died if you knew you had to go through the ordeal emotionally all over again? Someone suggested this to me a few times but I think it would be too much heartbreak, I fear a nervous breakdown would ensue. I'm going through so much sadness and grief right now as I know we all are. I don't know if I can. Could you? P.S. I am so depressed and barely able to get through this empty life, but I want to thank each and every one who replied to my posts. I read your answers over and over and you all have helped with your words of comfort. I am truly grateful. Sincerely, Suzanne

Since my husband passed away on January 22, 2010 I think I've gone from shock, denial, despair, only to sink lower and lower than I could possibly imagine. I think I'm getting worse, I don't want to be here now that Danny is gone. I am still crying and depressed, and I feel like I'm drowning in my sorrow. Maybe I don't want to be healed, I have never known such sadness. I'm never going to see him again and everything reminds me of him. I mean everything. Last week when watching American Idol I realized the theme was Elvis, tonight it's Shania Twain both of which I know Dan would be watching with me if he were here. I was watching an old program today he would be watching with me and I thought of something funny I would have said to Dan and I could just hear him laughing out loud but I burst into tears. All alone and crying. I don't know how much more I can take. The TV shows I thought were safe for me to watch are not safe any more. At the end of 3 years of taking care of what he needed, always hoping and praying for his health to get better, for the cancer to be cured I feel was all for nothing.. I don't know how much more I can take. Doing my errands by myself, eating on my food plan by myself, going to my appointments without Danny, by myself. And others are telling me I'm going to get better? I've read others posts where they have lost their spouse for a few months, 3 years and 11 years and they are just as depressed and sad as I am right now. I just hope the Lord calls me soon. I don't know how long I can go on like this?

With all due respect to anyone who is healed, healing, or willing to be healed due to their grief I know in my heart of hearts that life without Dan sucks really big time and it will always suck until the day I die. I have posted my thoughts, feelings, and questions, and the fact remains that the only thing I know for sure is without my husband, Christian though I am, life sucks without him.

I just wanted to pose a philosophical question for anyone to answer whatever you believe. Since I prayed for three years that my husband be healed and he was not, was my time wasted in praying this, and more importantly why should I or anyone pray for a healing since God has His own reasons why certain people are healed or not healed according to His will? Just to let you know, I am a Christian believer, I am just a very sad Christian believer right now.

Hi KayC, I got through the night but it happened that the theme was my husband's favorite singer and if no one said anything to me because the music was so loud I would've gotten through it since it was hard to think, never mind break down. While I was glad to see my husband's family including his niece who the event was for, (it was her 50th birthday party) all who were there are also huge fans of Dan's favorite singer. My daughter-in-law asked me if I was ok and I nodded and she said we could leave anytime I wanted, I said "No, I'm fine, but thanks" then suddenly one of Dan's nieces came over and sat with me and talked me through my moment of anguish because the impersonator was singing a slow song, the song Danny used to sing to me. She knew and she was so sweet by hugging me and talking to me I kind of lost it for a moment, but somehow composed myself because I didn't want to take the special night away from the 'birthday girl'. Dan's sister, who invited me really felt bad because she didn't even know about this surprise. But other than that I talked mostly with my son and his wife and got to see Dan's nieces and nephews so I got through it unscathed. I just wished Dan was with me of course. He would have really enjoyed it, except for the music being so loud. But at the moment my life is back to being subdued, quiet, and reclusive. I think even though it's very difficult I'll go to the few events that are coming up just to see my kids, grandkids, and family but I have all of the rest of the year to be by myself and hope I don't have to live to be 95 and while looking at a picture of Dan, "Oh yes, that's who I used to be married to, he was a great guy." This is what breaks my heart, that he won't be with me for the next 20 or more years. You are the only one who asked me about my 'night out' so I really thank you for answering my post. I'll just hold on like we all must do. I hope you are doing well. God bless. Suzanne

I am going to a supposedly happier event this evening at the same location where there was a family get-together after my husband was waked and interred 85 days ago. I'm going because I know that Dan's family members would like to see me but I am only looking forward to going home. There will be music and I am so afraid it will haunt me from when we used to listen to music, as I stay away from anything we did together. I am not looking forward to this and I am really depressed, and still heartbroken and I just want to get it over with. There are a few more "happy" events coming up in the next month that will be traumatic for me and I plan on being a recluse by the time summer rolls around. I have already decided that I will not be around any kind of body of water as I know in my heart it will be too hard for me to endure. Danny will not be there with me physically so I am determined to avoid this pain in my heart from worsening. I don't see how I will be getting any better since I know I will always miss him and I really don't understand how anyone will be willing to go forward after the death of their spouse. I realize the grief will always be with us, I just don't get it, how can people go on and live life. I know I can't, the pain is too deep and I am not really happy nor will I ever be. I am not looking forward to the summer whatsoever. Rain or shine I just want to be indoors and by myself. I just know I need to keep posting to keep in touch. I really wish I could help others but that doesn't seem possible when I am too sad and depressed to do so. God bless.

Hi Korina, You seem confident that I won't forget Dan and I'm just trying to survive so I do believe you. It's strange you mentioned not forgetting Scott's laugh. My husband once had a bellowing laugh that all of his family always spoke about, by our two sons, myself and his four sisters, all of my six siblings and all our our nieces and nephews all remembered saying it was an infectious laugh as when he was with neighbors, or family, or friends that he was unable to finish his jokes and funny stories by laughing at the punchline before he got to the end. Some children called him Mr. Giggles, When Dan's Mom and Dad were alive and when my Mom and Dad were alive they always said when he laughed, they couldn't help laughing with him even though he hadn't finished his joke because he was so funny when his laughter filled the room. But, the ache in my heart is compounded when his laugh jogs my memory. I've heard and it must be true that we will always grieve and the tears and waves of grief come and go because we need to take it all in in 'doses.' Like you said, we have to live in reality. Thank you for your help and support and encouraging words. God Bless, Suzanne

Dear Susan, I have been given advice on other grief sites and at the bereavement group I attend and I would like to pass these suggestions on to you because upon reflection it helped me a great deal to get through my pain. We all have a right to grieve in the way that helps each of us the best, if anyone feels the need to put away pictures or anything it is perfectly okay to do this, because we are learning how to cope and handle our loss in our own way and in our own timeframe. No one else has the right to tell anyone how to behave or think. It is up to each one of us to 'take care of ourselves.' We have a right to let go of others' opinions and let go of their friendship if need be, if we feel they are not helping us because we need to be kind to ourselves. Grief is best experienced in doses according to how we each feel is right for us, like easing our pain, and I agree that I think you're right that's what I'm doing by avoiding my husband's pictures. I have been told that we will always feel grief but in due time when it is right for each of us, we will be better able to deal with our grief. So, I think when you put the things away that were painful to you, you were 'behaving nicely' to yourself. Your comment about being given painkillers if this emotional roller coaster was physical pain was aptly put. And a little humorous if you don't mind my saying. Seriously though, the finality and unbearable pain in our hearts can be comforted when we are supportive of one another and gentle on ourselves, as you suggested. And I would like to thank you for your support and kind words. God Bless, Suzanne

Dear Wendy, You are right, it really is because it hurts so much to look at pictures of our life before he passed away because it is the past and that life is forever gone and it hurts, it really does and I know that is just me trying to cope and I know, try as I might I will never be able to forget him. Even though as hard as grieving is, it does make it more endurable to know that this is normal behavior for someone who is grieving, so thank you for reminding me. My head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. Well put! I say it a little differently but sometimes its better and easily remembered when you put it so simply. I've been already told, to my surprise, that I've helped others when I've posted on other grief sites how I felt. It's good to know this and I wanted to let you know that you have helped me greatly by your encouraging words and your support. God bless, Suzanne