Jennalee

I can't help but wonder what the point is of even going on with my life now that Ajay's gone. He was my best friend and my whole world. I see posters here still in such horrible pain after 3 months, 6 months, a year, two years... I just don't know if I have it in me to go through this that long. I'm sorry to be such a downer, it's been a horrible day and I'm not even a full two weeks out.

I'm glad I don't dream about Ajay. To go through what MZM posted would be much too painful.

I'm so very sorry. I'm also in my second week without my husband and it's just so hard. I know the activity may not have seemed very helpful because of all the crying you were doing, but I'm finding that the crying is one of the things that's helping me the most. This past Sunday I went to church with my sister and all I did was sob through the service. But I'm still glad I went. It was good to cry it out. Although I know sometimes we cry so much it feels like we won't have any tears left. I'm tired of crying. So very tired of it, but I do it cause I'm reading it's better to let it out than hold it in. I can also relate to the absent mindedness. It's getting a little bit better now, but not too much. I don't know if it's any consolation, but many people have told me the first 3-4 weeks are the absolute worst, then it gets a little bit better. Not easy I'm sure and I know I'll still have pain and tears, but hopefully it will become a little more bearable for both of us.

Chris, oh how I understand!!! My loss is still so recent. About 10 days ago. He was only 29. But it makes me feel so much better to hear from those who have been down this road and can confirm the pain does lessen a little. My marriage wasn't perfect either, but we were still just fine. I so wish I could rewind all this and bring Ajay back. I also grieve for the many plans we had together that will never pan out now. It seems so impossible but I guess we have to take it one day at a time. I know that sounds so clique', but it really is the only way I know how to handle this.

I have been in contact with a guy who is brilliant in IT. I have everything temporarily shut down right now but he told me to just contact him when I'm ready. I'm sure I will continue the business on, I think I just need some time. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Either way it's just nice to know I have someone available to help me. Ajay would be super proud.

I feel both blessed and cursed. Blessed because I ran a profitable business from my home with my husband's help, even though he worked a prestigious job outside the home, and cursed because now that he's gone it means I'm so terribly overwhelmed and alone. Ajay did all the technical work for the business, and I did the easier stuff. I of course have the business temporarily shut down. Part of me is dying to work outside the home just to get out and be around people, but the honest truth is that I can make more in one day working on the business than I could in one week at an outside job. I kind of don't want to continue the business without Ajay, but part of me feels like it would really honor him. It was our business that we created together, and now that Ajay's gone it feels so empty. I know my loss is much to recent to make any big decisions regarding the business. I just wish he could come back for just a few hours even and tell me what he wants me to do with it. I hate being so alone during the day. I've been alone during the day for two years now, but I could always call Ajay at work and he always came home for lunch. Right now the house is just so incredibly empty. I even went knocking on the neighbors doors that I knew this morning to see if anyone was home. No one was. I guess everyone else has something going on during the day. I wish I did. I miss him and want him home!!! Gosh I wish I could stop crying! I can't believe I even have any tears left at all!

Cheryl, I am ordering that book!!! I read all the grieving books I can get ahold of. I just ordered a grieving book and workbook for those who lost a spouse suddenly. It's called, "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye." I don't know how it is yet but I'll let y'all know once it arrives. Kind of stupid how even the title makes me break down in tears. I miss him and I want him back right now!!!

Thanks so much, Kay!! I have to be candid. I can't just sit around lying to myself. That's unhealthy. My desire to instantly remarry is nearly non-existent now. No one can replace Ajay. No one. I must accept that and move on. It's going to take time. Lots of lousy, annoying time, but I really don't have a choice. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. To think beyond that is much too overwhelming.

Thanks Kay! You've really been through a ton. I'm so very sorry! But you were right. I just got off the phone with a Psychologist who specializes in grief and she said desires to remarry immediately are 100% normal cause our pain is so great we wish to fill that void ASAP! It made me feel tons better and just addressing the issue has helped make that unrealistic fantasy fade a bit.

Has anyone had any luck with any books or workbooks on grief? I've purchased about 7 books on grief so far and so far the one I've found the most helpful talks about really feeling the pain in order to get over it faster. They encourage journaling and some of the exercises seem almost too painful, answering questions like, "What do you miss most about your spouse," "What did you not like about your spouse" and "What do you wish your spouse knew before they died?" Really hard questions to write about but I suspect somewhat healing in the long run. So far the only thing I've been able to do is write a letter to Ajay about how much this sucks and how much I miss him. I've also started talking out loud to him in the car. Other drivers think I'm crazy but it helps to get it out of my system. I'd love to hear what's helped each of you in your journey towards recovery.

THANK YOU! I'll take all the help I can get. This is just so difficult/frustrating/horrible... well, y'all already know!

I feel so guilty for even thinking about this but suspect y'all will understand. I lost Ajay only nine days ago and ever since his death I've been obsessing about re-marriage. He was Indian and his best friend from out of state (who is also Indian) flew over to be with me during all the funeral planning and preparation. His best friend was almost as good looking as Ajay was and had the same dark skin, jet black hair, deep brown eyes and cute accent. All I could think about is how much I wanted to marry him right this very second. I guess I figure if I find someone else right away, I won't be lonely and the pain will be less. I know this is flawed in all sorts of ways. I feel so guilty for even daring to think about other guys with Ajay's death being so very recent, but I just HATE BEING ALONE!!! We didn't have any children so the walls just echo. I almost don't care who it is, just long as he looks similar to Ajay, has the same accent as Ajay and is as wonderful as Ajay. Is this normal or am I just a horrible person?

Sometimes I feel like I'm the unluckiest person in the world for losing him so young, but then I realize we were only together a total of five years. That was more then enough for me to fall head over heels for him, but at the same time, it's not like I've lost my partner of 20 or 30 years. On the other hand, I deeply grieve for the years we're not going to have. All of us are just suffering so much. I wish there was a way to ease all of our pain right now, but I guess we have to walk through the tunnel to get to the sunshine.

I too get annoyed watching people fret about job cuts and money. This stuff used to matter to me, but it doesn't now. I know I'm being unfair, but I can't help but get angry at the world for going on when my world has come crashing down on me. I also find myself thinking mean horrible thoughts, such as, "Why couldn't it have been her husband?" I see happy couples walking around and it just ticks me off. I want to kick them or break them up. Anger is something I'm really struggling with right now. This whole grief thing would be a lot less complicated if it was just sorrow, but it's not. There are about a hundred more negative emotions piled on top of the gut wrenching sorrow and that just makes things worse.

This is a very sad but helpful thread. I also want to die sometimes. Especially in the mornings. I just wish I could wake up dead if that makes any sense. Last night I was upstairs in our bedroom literally begging God to kill me. He didn't, so I'm still here. When I get this way I pick up the phone. I have a list of people I can call and I just pick whoever I feel more like talking to. If you don't have friends or family who understand, find a good grief line or counselor. Sometimes it just helps to let someone on the other end of the line know how you're feeling. I've noticed the thoughts of wanting to die do pass. They often show up again, but they're not constant like they were the first couple of days after the accident. It's helping me to look back and see where I was a week ago and where I am now. A week ago I was lying on the living room floor of my parent's house sobbing and sighing, letting people trip over me, and this week I'm back in my own house, upright and posting in forums. I know I have a long road ahead, but I'm just trying to focus on the small victories I've had since this happened. I sincerely hope your pain lessens soon.

My loss is so recent (one week ago) that Ajay is still big news, but I also fear the day when no one brings him up. I've decided I will bring him up, and I will not hesitate to let people know I want to talk about him. I can also relate to being alone in a crowd already. It's unpleasant to say the least. I see couples everywhere and every single dang song on the radio is all about loving and leaving and the leaving is always a break up and never something as final as death. But I'm meeting it head on. I'm keeping the radio on instead of turning it off and trying to just enjoy the tune or the beat. I can really tend to bury my head in the sand and I don't want to do this with this cause I suspect it will prolong my recovery. I'm finding that by not avoiding uncomfortable feelings and situations, I'm becoming desensitized to them. I just wish I didn't have such a long way to go.

Cheryl, how old was your husband? I don't know if I can deal with this for a year. I don't know how you are doing it. A year is such a long time. My future seems so incredibly bleak. I know you can't rush the process but the thought of hurting so bad for a year makes me not want to go on at all.

Thanks to everyone for your support. It's wonderful to find a group of people who truly understand. Today my sister and brother-in-law stopped by and I unloaded a bunch of Ajay's clothes to my BIL. Him and Ajay are different builds but they wore the same size. Ajay was such a diva. He had more clothes than any woman I know. It was kind of healing in a way to give the stuff to my BIL. I was sure to sort through it and save anything that was special to me. There are still a ton of clothes left but every little bit helps. It's kind of a relief not to see the closet stuffed with his clothes as if he's coming back any minute. I'm sure it's going to be hard to see my BIL wearing his clothes at first, but I'm finding it's easier in the long run for me to let myself feel that little stab of pain, deal with the emotion, then let it go and I'm a lot more desensitized. I couldn't even look at his photos til about five days after the accident, but I finally had to make myself do it for the funeral home. It was really hard at first, but the more I looked at them the less I felt the pain, and now I can look at them and even smile at a lot of the memories. The hardest part is knowing I'm just at the very beginning of my grief. It's so fresh! I still find myself thinking, "Oh yeah, I need to tell Ajay this" or "Ajay will think this is hilarious." Then it hits me that he's not here anymore. This whole situation is just not fair. I went to church with my sister this morning and literally sobbed quietly through the majority of the sermon. But I'm still glad I went. Going to church and crying through the service was much better than sitting at home staring at the wall. I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to start dealing with some of the bills and stuff and figuring out the finances. With the life insurance, I'll be fine but that check won't come for probably another 6 - 12 weeks so I just have to make sure none of the utilities and stuff get shut off in the meantime. Everything came out of Ajay's checking account. We had one joint and two single accounts and for some reason, all the bills came out of his single account. I'm so frustrated that this is happening. I've never been good with finances. I have family to help me but I still feel so very alone.

Oh Melina! Honey I wish I could hug you! Mornings are the worst for me too. I wake up and think, "Oh joy. Another day without Ajay." Then I sigh and wish I could disappear. The only reason I get out of bed is because sitting there with nothing to think about but how much I miss him is even worse. But you're right mornings are horrid and days aren't that great. For some reason, evenings are better. I usually feel okay in the evenings, although tonight has been particularly hard. I think that's because it's the first night I'm spending back in my house alone since Ajay's death. I also love to sleep. You don't feel pain when you're sleeping. I wish I could just hit a switch and sleep for months until this was all over. But I guess it doesn't work that way. I'd just wake up months later and still be grieving. Even though we hate being awake, we are actually healing when we're awake, whether it feels like it or not.

I'm so, so, so sorry to see everyone's pain. I lost my husband one week ago today. It makes me so sad to see that some of you have not yet had any "okay" days. I've not had one full okay day yet, understandably since it's only been a week, but I have had okay hours and even full, okay evenings. My psychiatrist recommended I start taking 5HTP to help me cope with the pain. For those not familiar, it's an herbal mood support type thing. I found it over the counter at Walgreens. Less than $20.00 for a full bottle. I can honestly say it does help. I can be wracked with grief and take a capsule and within 10 - 15 minutes I feel better. Not great mind you, but better. I'm not trying to be a pill pusher or anything, I just wanted to share what's been helping me cope somewhat. Hope that helps. Big hugs to all of you!

It does physically ache, doesn't it? My heart was just hurting today. I mean, physically hurting so very much. And I hear you on food. All food tastes like mud. Have you looked into joining a local bereavement group? I lost my husband one week ago today and I think I'm going to. I'm hoping to find some friends just as lonely as me.

My husband was killed instantly one week ago today in a motorcycle accident. He was 29. We had no children. His funeral was today. He was Indian, so his body is being sent back to India for their traditional cremation ceremonies. Ever since he died I've been staying at my parents house. Tonight is my first night back in my huge, empty house alone. The walls are practically echoing. Usually at this time he would be watching a movie while I'd be on the computer right in the next room. Only tonight there is no movie playing. It's so friggin empty in here and I'm so very alone. I thought I was doing okay, but tonight is really rough. My poor dog probably doesn't know what's going on just that I keep sobbing in his fur. I'm sorry for babbling. This is my first post here. I'm just lost and scared and lonely. I thought I could make it through this but now I'm not so sure.