Jennalee

Jennifer, you have to STOP with the "if onlys." I know you didn't use those exact words but what you're saying is pretty much the same thing. I've "if only'd" myself to death and it's just plain unhealthy and enough to push me over the edge. My aunt, a counselor, told me there are no "if onlys" in life. Life is what it is and when it's our time to go, it's our time to go and nothing we do or say can prevent it. I'm not sure if that's very helpful, but I just can't stand to see you beating yourself up over something that's not your fault. I went through a lot of Ajay's things after only 10 days. It was too hard to see them lying out and about as if he was coming back any minute. I kept several items that meant something to me, but the rest I've been giving to my brother, BIL, and friends of Ajay. I thought it would really hurt to see them wearing Ajay's things but it's actually been kind of healing. One thing Ajay hated was for things to be wasted. He'd let me get anything I wanted as long as I used it regularly. I guess I figured that he would want to see his things being used, instead of wasting away in some closet. But that's me. You have to do what's right for you. If you're not ready to pack his things away or spread his ashes, then don't do it. Your husband certainly would not mind one bit if his wife felt she wanted to hang on to his ashes a little longer! The timing has to be right for you. Sending you much love!

Melina, I don't know how your widow friend is making it, but the fact that she is gives me hope. I pray to God I will never have to go through this again. Maybe you could go back to work part time for now. Only see one or two people a day or something. I find myself asking, "Is this activity I have the opportunity to engage in better than sitting at home and staring at the wall?" and most of the time it is. Not sure if that helps.

I'm so glad I posted this when I did, cause re-reading it gave me a reason to go on for at least one more day. The last two days have NOT been good, to say the least. I suspect part of it is because I may be PMSing (sorry guys) or it could be because, well, I am grieving, and recovery from grieving is not always linear. I hope this horrible dark cloud eases up for even a few moments today or maybe tomorrow. Right now I'm just not feeling very positive at all.

Melina, what a difficult but thoughtful question. Here's my take. I used to take Xanax for anxiety many years. I was not an occasional user like Darl. I started to take the stuff every single day, and my doctor assured me that was okay. It wasn't. Had I stuck with occasional use like Darl I would have been fine, but daily use was too much. I ended up addicted and whenever I tried to stop the anxiety and depression was absolutely unreal. I'm happy to say I tapered off slowly over six months time and after months of hellish withdrawals I am now 100% Benzodiazepine free. Even when I found out my husband had died, I did not reach for a benzo cause I knew what awful terror it could bring me. Again, to clarify, for occasional use, I think they're okay. They can really help a person. But anyone taking them daily should just be really careful, cause they can be very, very addictive and the withdrawal is worse than even heroin or opiate withdrawal. I know, I've been through it first hand. Just my two cents, and I wish all of us the fastest and safest recovery possible.

I feel I must share the victory of an okay Friday to help encourage those having such a rough time right now. This morning I woke up and wasn't sure why I should even bother getting up. Then I decided to get up anyway and called my friend Brandi. She was completely game for some coffee so we went and got some. Then I went shopping alone cause I desperately needed clothes. It was okay being by myself. I'm trying to come to peace with being alone as much as I can. Then I went to the bookstore I used to work many years ago back in college and spoke with my old manger. He said he'd love to see me back part time and I'm tempted to take him up on it just to kill some time. Then I went home, checked a few forums and called an old friend who took me to the mall for a couple hours then we both went back to my house to reminisce. It was nice. She just left at 10:30 and I'm okay now. A tad lonely and yes, I did have a few moments after she left where I sobbed and screamed to God to bring Ajay back to me, but I'm okay now. Truly okay. It was... not a great day, not even a good day, but an okay day, and I'll take them where I can get them. I'm wishing all of you an okay day soon!

Wow, I am SO VERY SORRY you are dealing with this. I lost my husband two weeks ago. He was only 29. We did not have any children though, so I absolutely cannot imagine how hard this must be for your children. I realize you hate weekends. So many of us do. All I can suggest is that you take your children out. Maybe to the Children's Discovery Museum, a movie or to the park. I know it's hard, and I know seeing other families is nearly impossible to deal with. But we must go on, and we will heal. As much as it hurts right now, we WILL get over this. Please take care. I know it's hard.

Thanks for responding ladies, every tiny bit of something good helps!! My something positive for today is that twice I went through the intersection where Ajay died and didn't even think about it. Each time I remembered it was coming, but when the time came where it was right there my thoughts were elsewhere. I think this is pretty good. I thought it would be MONTHS before I would be able to do that. Another positive is that while my mornings are still very unpleasant, at least I've stopped waking up wanting to die trying to decide whether or not I should end my own life today. I think that's another huge step. I'm not saying I'll never be there again, but I am trying to appreciate the days that I'm kind of okay.

I'm amazed that anyone is implying you should move on after only a month. That's a pretty stupid suggestion! They'll never get it unless they go through it. I also understand how hard it is to enjoy your time alone. There is no joy in the days anymore is there? Try to remember there will be joy again, it's just going to be a while yet. I'm trying to remember that myself but it's not easy. My suggestion is to go ahead and spend time with some of your friends who have asked you to come over. I know it's hard to be around the typical happy families, but we just have to get used to it cause they're everywhere. It can actually be very healing to get out of the house a bit. I actually spent the morning in a coffee shop, at the mall and a bookstore just to get out. I figure being around people is somewhat better than being alone in this big, echoing house. I have a feeling I'm going to get to know these kinds of places very well for a while.

You did not cause the accident. For anyone to imply that is absolutely ridiculous. When things like this happen it's only natural for those closest to him to search for something to blame, but you are not it. Weekends are hard for many of us I'm betting. Ajay would have been bounding through the door in about two hours and we would have worked out what we wanted to do. He liked his job but he really loved his weekends. I'd give absolutely anything to have another weekend with him, but I guess that wouldn't work cause I'd just never want to let go. Anyway, try to find some friends to be with this weekend if possible. I know it's not the same, but it has to be better than staring at the walls, which is what I definitely plan to avoid this weekend.

I'm a bit surprised. I did dream about Ajay last night. Nothing meaningful, something about him and me driving in the car and me passing him french fries. Pretty casual and I woke up still knowing he was gone so it was okay and not too shocking or anything. I suppose it's only natural that we dream of our spouses. They're always so very present in our hearts and minds.

Kath, isn't grief just such a torrid mix of emotions? How could I be face down on the kitchen floor begging him to come back to me one minute and the next minute I'm tossing towels all over the basement yelling, "I TOLD YOU SO!"? I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but on the other hand it is super comforting to know I'm not the only one with these feelings. Thank you, really!

I'm not to the point where I'm ready to listen to these kind of songs, but I have noted it for when that point comes. Thank you so much for sharing it. I'm sure it will be a comfort to many.

I told him so! GRRRR! Early this evening we got a ton of rain, a whole bunch fell real fast. I was at my sister-in-law's house and when I got home I found the basement was flooded. Not horribly, but plenty to where there are some puddles in the living room area. I don't know if any electronics were ruined (like the basement computer and phone) and right now I don't care. I just threw some towels down and went back upstairs cause I didn't want to look at it. Let it all evaporate on it's own and if there's mold, I'll deal with it later. Just about a month ago I told Ajay we needed a sump pump and he said no, that it wasn't necessary because our basement hadn't flooded in a long time. I argued with him that it had flooded this spring and he denied it. He forgot and because he forgot he thought he was right and I was wrong. I let the matter drop because he could be so hardheaded sometimes. Well now he's gone and I'm stuck dealing with a flooded basement all on my own that could have been prevented if he had just listened to me. I'm not only grieving, but I think I have a bit of resentment against him for the things he left unfinished. I know he couldn't help it. How was he supposed to know he'd get in an accident? But still, here I am picking up the pieces and it's just horribly overwhelming and tiring.

What a wonderful day for him. I'm so happy you were able to capture this moment on film.

Me too. Honestly. One day I was working out my plan when people kept calling and interrupting me. And just when I thought I had taken care of them, my neighbor comes to the door to check on me! All I could think is, "Wow, God, you really don't want me to do this, do you?" so I didn't and I'm still here. I wish I didn't have to be. I want and "off" switch. But I guess life doesn't work that way and we don't have much of a choice but to either keep on trucking or put our family and friends through even more immense pain then they're already going through. I'm dealing with that pain now, and I don't think it's very fair to put it on someone else. So I guess I'll just keep getting up in the morning, like it or not and just focus on surviving until "surviving" turns into "living."

Melina, you will not be alone forever. With your youngest at 19, you cannot be very far up there. Right now the thought of anyone other then your dear husband probably makes you sick, but this will pass. And even if you never marry again, you have your children who love you so very much, and I know there are social groups you can get involved in. Hardly compares to the loss of your husband... trust me, I KNOW! But it's so much better than staring at the walls. I know this is hard, so hard it seems impossible! But that's just it. It seems that way, even though it's not really that way. These things are possible if we take them one task at a time. I'm getting really tired of hearing that. "One day at a time," "One step at a time..." it just makes me want to scream!! But it is true. I'm finding this out every day. I can't stand the thought of how overwhelming the next few months seem. I can't handle that. But I can handle one day. Just today. That's all I try to focus on. I set up a few tasks to tackle and give myself a huge pat on the back when I've accomplished them. Don't think about the future and being lonely forever (which won't happen) or any of that. Just focus on your appointments for today. You can do those. We're not going to worry about tomorrow right now, we're going to worry about today and today only. Take care, Melina. We're here for you.

Isn't this P. Diddy and Faith Evans? This has always been one of my favorite songs! I haven't listen to any songs like this since Ajay died. Even though I'm all about facing the pain I'm afraid it will be too hard. Someday though. MZM, take solace in whatever you can! A song, the breeze, a quiet moment. This is all part of healing. It seems so impossible right now but we'll get there.

Nats and Chris, Ruth and Tim would be so very, very proud of you!! And thank you for giving me hope that life can go on after grief. Maybe not right away, but eventually. My something positive for today is that for the first time since this happened I woke up and felt sad but somewhat okay and didn't actually want to die. Considering how I've felt in the mornings lately, that's pretty huge!

I thought it might help us if we each try to post something positive that's happened to us this week. It doesn't have to be grief related, just anything good or something small that lifted your spirits. Mine is that I surprised myself this evening by actually singing along to a song on the radio. I didn't even notice I was doing it until the song was half over. I take that as a sign of progress. I hope many respond here. We could all use a lift!

I'm so sorry MrsG. It may not feel like much but you are seeing improvements. I sincerely hope your pain lessens soon.

Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words. I'm feeling a lot more positive now. Of course, it's night time, and for some reasons nights are almost always okay. Mornings on the other hand... not so fun. I'll hang in there I guess. I don't see how I have much of a choice.

Thank you Melina. With no responses so far I was getting worried that it indeed was hopeless! I'm feeling a tad better than earlier, and I'm starting to think you and I will both get better. I know it takes time, and right now time feels like my worst enemy, but I do think we'll improve. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but in a few weeks or months, things should lighten up a bit.

Oh I am SO not a big fan of couples, but I am trying to go ahead and let myself be around them. I'm going to have to get used to seeing them, so there's no sense in hiding from it. "Face the Pain" seems to be my new motto. How are you doing, Melina? I know you're having such a rough time and I just want to hug you. Do you have any grieving books? Counseling lines you can call? Bereavement groups? How can we help you?

Thanks for the encouraging words about God. Ever since this has happened I've felt God hated me. My head knows that's not true but try and tell that to my heart. Still, I'm trying to turn to church, the Bible and prayer for strength. I'm not really feeling it right now but maybe soon.

MZM, I'm so very sorry you too are suffering. My husband was Hindu so there were no rules I had to follow during the US funeral. One of the hardest things for me though is that his body has now been flown back to India for the traditional cremation ceremonies there. All I have of him now is his kada (traditional Indian bracelet for those unfamiliar.) I mean, I have his clothes and stuff but he wore his kada ALL THE TIME. It's extremely special to me. I don't think you are grieving any less just because you weren't married yet. I do feel fortunate to have been able to marry Ajay and at least have nearly two years of married life with him. Still, in many ways you and I are in the same boat cause we're both grieving for futures we'll never have. I've asked myself a thousand times if I would take back meeting him if I'd known this was coming. I honestly don't know. The pain is so great I'm barely making it. I know the saying is, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all," but I'm beginning to wonder about that.