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Dear Karen, Happy birthday...what a great gift - your grandson's agreement to get some help. I am so relieved to know this. Celebrate your birthday with a sense of relief. I am also glad to hear your mouth is healilng. What a long road this has been for you.

Peace,

Mary

Mary, I do hope your family gets some help and getting it for the nights is so wise. If I had more sleep when Bill needed much care, I know I would have come out of the caregiving days feeling less exhausted and drained. One can only run on 2-4 hours sleep a night for so long.

I like your definition of "healing" and agree, the pain is sitting there sometimes active and sometimes gnawing and sometimes passive. May peace fill your heart as you walk through yet another big challenge.

Mary

Dear QMary, I am so very sorry for all that happened to your sister and ultimately to the entire family. And it surely sounds like our medical system played a role in some of the challenges, for sure. I know it has to be incredibly difficult to be far away and know your sister is struggling. i surely would feel that way also but sometimes that is how life happens....your visits will be a light for them and something to look forward to. Take care of yourself. That also matters.

fae, keep listening. I spoke with my bodyworker today about van der kolk (who will be in Milwaukee next month doing an all day...) and we agreed that the word 'healing' can be defined in many ways and to think it means that we go on as if nothing ever happened is, of course, just not possible. So I believe we each need to define healing the way it works best for us. That becomes our goal as long as we stay realistic in setting it. Wherever you are is just where you belong.

Peace to both of you,

Mary

Dear Mary,

Thank you for the link. I listened to the unedited version, and will listen again. I am slowly putting the criminals into a context that is allowing me to at least look at it as an episode with a beginning and an end. Bessel van der Kolk's work has been very helpful to me. And my trauma counselor uses his work in her work. Thank you for thinking of this link. He packs a lot into the interview, and I know just enough about PTSS to be able to follow his discussion, yet still learn a lot and will probably learn more when I listen again.

It was a calm birding day, because with high winds and occasional rain, the birds were pretty hunkered down in the grasses and on the lee of islands. We did see more than 20 Tundra Swans, and many hundred Snow Geese, but not the numbers I had hoped to be present.

I hope you are having a good trauma healing experience. I am told it may never entirely heal, but that like grief, the sense of trauma will soften and the triggers will elicit only a comment of "ah, there is that trigger again" from my awareness. I am definitely moving in that direction!

Dear fae, I am glad you are going to listen to van der kolk. I listen to books a lot also as my eyes tire so easily and I like hearing the authors if they are the readers. I just finished one by Joan Chittister about Following our Paths. She has such a passion for her passion. I have a good body worker and am benefiting a lot from our work. I think trauma does not go away but like grief, as you say, we learn how to live with it. van der kolk believes it can be completely healed which I disagree with. Imagine the 911 survivors ever getting past that horrific day. Continue to take care of yourself...and keep moving in the direction of peace. I love the feeling of "ah" when a piece (peace) falls into place. Mary

Well, you surely know how to make someone feel appreciated. Thank you all.

I am so glad, fae, to hear that you are doing well physically and keeping on top of the NETS. This man, Bessel van der Kolk, is an expert on trauma and I think this interview is incredibly helpful in understanding it. I always choose the UNedited versions as they cut stuff out for the edited one. His book, The Body Keeps Score, is available in audible or paperback and it is very good. Here is the interview: http://www.onbeing.org/program/restoring-the-body-bessel-van-der-kolk-on-yoga-emdr-and-treating-trauma/5801#.VQXNUeGEdZ8 I am doing some body work around trauma and the man I go to is doing research on bodywork and will be connecting with van derk Kolk around that book.

Thanks to both of you, all of you, for caring so much.

Peace and love to you,

Mary

Thank you, dear Kay. Yes, I understand the cooking thing....as I have "had" to do the same....more cooking. However, I tend to graze quite often, eating just when hungry so I keep good stuff in the frig for that purpose. I also eat my big meal (if I eat one) in the middle of the day instead of in the evening unless I go out.

I have no clue where 5 years when and am sure when it is 10 I will feel as you do...i.e. where did it go. Yes, the days are significant, each one a journey of its own. As present as I am to each one, the time still flies. suddenly I am refilling my vitamin case (lasts a week) and I wonder where the week went.

I hope you get your new wood stove...I know they are pricey items and hope your son's will work in your home.

Peace and love

Mary

Yes, Mary, I have stepped back. I needed to put my full focus on my own loss for a long while. And is has been the right decision for me for now. I do see Three or four clients here in my office as I figure out the next step on my path...

Yesterday I spent the bulk of the day on watercolor....a healing experience since I tend to paint what I feel. I want to become a decent water colorist and plan to do some sculpting again, something I did way back in the 70s.

And yes, though difficult, we survive and get through these anniversaries. My body tends to remember as well as my mind and heart.

I think of you and your sister and family often...you are all on my prayer list.

Thank you for your message.

Peace

Mary

Never are you or will you be in the way. It is good to be in co tact.

I think you mean Horicon Marsh. It is a couple of hours from here and yes, I have been up there. We get about 300,000 swans and geese in the spring and fall. Also on the Mississippi, a couple of hours in the other direction, we get swans. A nice drive but the traffic up there gets a bit overwhelming. Of course, I want the entire area to myself. Enjoy your trip tomorrow.

Yes, we take our history with us...thank goodness. Some of it joyful and some of it overwhelmingly sad but together it is a part of who we are.

How are you doing...body...mind...spirit?

Mary

Yes, Jan, everything changes. From rising in the morning to the long evenings alone. I understand. I also see you involving yourself in things meaningful to you and important to your area. I honor that as I know the pain you experienced early on...and I know this has taken great effort and commitment to find the meaningful in life. It has and is for me also. I am so glad you had such a wonderful dream of Pete. They do tend to stay with us and I write mine down so I can go back to them when I feel his absence cutting through my days. Thank you for your lovely post.

And here is Bentley in January 11 years 4 months and holding:

Yes, Kay, I get it about walking our older pets. Bringing the truck is a good idea.

Thanks again for your kind words. It feels good to be missed. Just last week someone told me they were thinking of me and as I drove away I thought how nice that feels since Bill died, I sometimes wonder who thinks of me anymore. I am sure you can relate.

Take good care of Arlie as I know you will and the weight will go when it goes. I just keep eating well and walking.

My dear fae, thank you so very much for your kind words and belief in me. You, my friend, could never ever be in my way. So many here have traveled with me including you...we flow together even though I am not around as much. Never worry about being in my way. I miss you and so many here. I just know that for now at least, I need to step back mostly. Thank you for thinking of me. I think of you and so many here each and every day...truly. I miss you. Peace, Mary

Anne, thank you also for your post. It is in the low 70s today and a friend, Bentley and I just returned from a long walk. Bentley can only go a bit less than a mile but by the time we stop and he gets petted by everyone on the streets...it takes a while. We could easily get more snow but it won't last long. We went from winter to spring almost overnight...almost shocking.

Yes, March is a difficult month for me. I dream more of Bill and relive more. It is bittersweet as we know.

Peace to your heart, Anne

Mary

Kay, it is difficult to see our furbabies become old. Easier to see me be older. I understand about the length of walks. I take Bentley for two walks away so as to break it up for him. I can tell, as you can, when these four leggeds get weary. I hope his foot is better.

A turning point...for you...a switchback on the labyrinth. Glad to hear you plan to make more friends....my friends are my lifeline in many ways. Onward we go.

Dear Stephen, I just saw your post this morning and apologize for not responding sooner. Thank you for your kind words. This journey of loss we all walk is made easier when we support each other in ways others who have not walked this path can do. Thank you. I will expand a bit below. Peace, Mary

Dear Jan, you are quite welcome! I am honored that my thoughts, caring and words helped you. I have been clear for years that my purpose here is to help ease the pain of others. Knowing I do that, makes life worth living. I see you on Facebook often and know as you miss Pete, you are also involved in life in many ways. I celebrate your strength and honor your willingness to embrace your grief. Peace, Mary

I will take this opportunity to update you all a bit. I am in the midst of anticipating the 5th anniversary of Bill's death on March 27 followed by my 75th birthday a week later. Those days will forever be linked and it seems every five years tied into our very special Holy Week and Easter. So this anniversary seems special. I guess we tend to set aside in some way, as a culture, the 5th, 10th, 25th etc of events.

I find myself taking a great deal of solitude these days and being very present when I make choices socially. I am slowly returning to my watercolor and in my mind am planning a small sculpture...the latter I have not done in many years. I find myself not quite ready to commit to much more as I practice living in the now and reading, meditating, walking. My diet is the best it has been since Bill was so sick and I have shed 15 pounds of insulation...more to go but on a plateau. One of my goals is to identify a niche for myself professionally in the world of grief...possibly a small practice via Skype along with a very few clients here in my home office. Not ready yet for more than that. The past week or so I have prepared and designed the invitations to the 50th anniversary of my brother's ordination...300 of them. I am in charge of this party and it will involve many relatives and old friends...those who remain here...and many people I do not know, friends of my brother. I told my closest "girlfriend" (we go back 42 years and have walked through spousal losses together) that I need her to be there for me and she will be. She knows all these folks and I will have some one to talk to and get support from.

Bentley is holding his own after ten months since Dx. His lymphoma seems to be true to what I was told, ie slow growing. We deal with hot spots and ear infections but at 11.5 years he has energy, is playful and now that we are seeing good weather...walks each day. 69 today....20 below zero last Friday. Go figure. The winter flew by for me, as have these five years. I am focused quite heavily on my own journey -understanding better the pieces of it and how ithe trauma of watching Bill die slowly awakened earlier childhood trauma. So I am working on that at many levels..including some bodywork with a Rolfer. I am a seeker, always have been and seeing pieces fit together is very healing for me. It is also very painful.

As we walk this path we are called to do the grief work needed as well as live a life new to us and one we did not seek. It is sort of like living as a juggler...trying to keep our focus on all the "balls" at the same time so we do not drop the important ones and so we do not try to juggle too many. I walk with you.

I wish you peace in your loss and grief.

Mary

You are quite welcome, fae I hope your health is good.

Peace

Mary

http://www.buzzfeed.com/gyanyankovich/this-is-what-happens-to-your-brain-when-you-meditate#.pf177PBvZ

Reasons to Meditate every day.

Mary, I travel with you in spirit today. Dreading the visit is totally understandable. I am so sorry this has happened and that she is slowly going downhill. Be careful driving as your heart is with her. Peace, mary

Karen, as much as all of us would like to see Butch's pain abate, I believe everyone would also like to see your pain abate also. It has been a long painful chapter of pain right down to your tooth and your grand son's threat which holds you in deep stress and pain. I am so sorry he is hurting and that your path continues to be riddled with such loss and pain including your furbaby.

I hold you in my heart,

Mary

Karen, I was and am happy to jump in here. My heart goes out to you. Know that I carry you in my heart. I hope your grandson agrees to get some assistance. His agreement is the key.

Peace and love

Mary

Dear Karen,

Marty contacted me about your post about your grandson. I cannot imagine how helpless and frightened you and your son feel. It is difficult to deal with this age group. You have no rights because he is "of age" and so he has to come to a place where he will cooperate with whatever help you can find and that becomes the challenge.

Here are some steps you might takes;

You and your son make an appointment and see the doctor who prescribed the meds to see if he has some ideas about a next step or to see if he can get this young man to come in for a complete physical (blood, urine, Vitamin D, thyroid, Magnesium, hormones, etc). If he is using or abusing alcohol that will make his depression worse as alcohol is a depressant...so finding out what you can about his use of alcohol as well as test results from a complete workup. If he has been sad or moody for a long time, there may be many factors playing into his depression...emotional, social, physical, neurological. It would be so good if he would agree to individual therapy with an empathic therapist who can connect to him and to his pain as well as having a good evaluation. Along that line, his diet and perhaps lack of exercise can be contributing to his mood or depression also...lots of sugar, alcohol (which is sugar), colas, junk food.

You and your son might go to the local suicide prevention center to see what services they offer or suggest. The state may offer services in a situation like this. This will take some foot work and I know you are just wiped out so perhaps your son can carry some of this load.

You might call the MISS Foundation (for families who have lost a child- you certainly qualify). It is headquartered in AZ. See if one of their certified therapists can see him. I would vouch for anyone of them as they are really fussy. This is the link to locate one near you and to study the site. http://certification.missfoundation.org/certified-provider-search

I would not hesitate to ask your grandson to cooperate with you for YOUR sake...i.e. see someone, get evaluated, sign himself in to a psych unit for a two or three week evaluation. He is clearly a danger to himself and maybe the physician he saw can help with this. You can always call 911 if he become actively suicidal. They will take him to an ER where he will be evaluated by a psychiatrist. It may come down to that. Just do it without discussing it if you feel he is in immediate danger.

You can see, I have no answers, just ideas. It is just so difficult because this age range is such a challenge (basically he is an adolescent except in the eyes of the state) and you need his cooperation.

Whatever happens, you can only do so much...sadly. I am so sorry you are going through all this on top of all that has happened. I hope you can get him to agree to get some help (and help him to get it). He is in pain and scared and probably hurt and angry about the girlfriend breaking off so feeling alone and rejected. Not a good mix for someone who is already depressed. All you can do is what you can do and then...hope and pray he can get through this. Again, I am so sorry.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

My dear Butch, Thank you so much for your kind words. How I admire you and the manner in which you have dealt with all the sickness and loss you and your family have experienced. You were there for everyone and walked gently and lovingly with Mary all these many months. I do know deeply the gut wrenching pain of losing our spouses and I hold you in my heart as you grieve this huge loss. I will return later to read your post about Mary.
Peace
Mary

Dear fae,

As I wakened to 17 below zero temps outside this morning, your message warmed my heart. I have been honored to be a moderator here and bringing that role to an end was a very difficult decision to make, more difficult than I thought it would be. But I know it was/is the right one for me. I so very much appreciate you and all you have gone through and the spirit with which you walk your walk. And yes, we can call each other friends.

I am very clear that I have gained more than I have given here. And yes, I am glad to have been here at the same time as you. It will be five years on March 27 since Bill died and a week later I become a 75 year old crone...both numbers, though irrelevant in most ways, seem significant in ways unknown. Though my path ahead is still very unclear I have lived long enough to know that life is a series of "nows" and so like every one we trek on.

I know you will take care of your own health and soul as I have watched you do that for many months. Peace to your heart, Mary

Dear Anne, Your post left me absolutely speechless....utterly speechless. I thank you for your kind words and for all the wonderful posts, support, and more you have also shared with me and with everyone here. We only see in the other what is in ourselves so I can pass your own words right back to you because you are, indeed all of that also. I will keep my promise and pop in now and then...this place is a part of my life and journey through grief.

Dear Kay, Thank you for your kind words of support in my decision. Yes, it is a learning process. Those of us here who have lost loved ones....all of us...have never lost that loved one before and so we come to our losss lacking a clear understanding of how to deal with the pain and emptiness. We bring our life skills and experiences but have to now apply them in a new and painful situation. Once I figure out a ramp, I will let you know. I have studied most of those available but none fit into my particular situation. Bill built one for our last Golden but we failed to keep it when we moved....I do have a friend who will build one for me if I can figure out what Bentley will use. He is not into new things much. Yes, Arlie, will be needing one but hopefully not for a long time yet.

Peace to both of you,

Mary

Thank you, Tspouse.

Thank you, Marty. As you know it was a tough decision but the right one for me.

With love and gratitude to you,

Mary

Dear Members,

For those who are fairly new here, I am one of the two site's moderators (working with Marty as a moderator since October 2013) one who has been invisible since Nov. 1, 2014. I joined the forums as a member in December 2010, a few months after my beloved husband Bill died. In addition, I am and have been a psychotherapist for close to 40 years. Bill was a clinical psychologist so I lost my best friend, my beloved soulmate and my colleague. I have been serving as a moderator at Marty's request since October, 2013.

In November of 2014 (three months ago) I stepped back from my role here as moderator so I could re-focus my energies on my own loss for a while. I did that for my own sake, for the well-being of those I see in my clinical practice and for those I help here.

After Bill died I did many months of grief work and still do. That included participation in a local Hospice Spousal Loss group; working with a bereavement counselor; and participating here where I was comforted and supported by Marty and the members. We therapists are not exempt from feeling pain deeply and needing as much support as the next person. I also read dozens of books and articles (maybe hundreds of articles); journaled most days; wrote poetry; painted my pain with watercolors; returned to my meditation lost in the caregiving days as Bill and I struggled with his Alzheimer's for 5 years; and started doing my yoga again. None of this was easy and my patience wore thin often.

But this past November I came to know that I needed some time away from the helping role and other people's grief as some new feelings were rearing their heads demanding my full attention for a while. Grief is mine forever and as I learn how to hold it and live with it I also know I need to look inward often and pull back into a cocoon of sorts now and then. That has been a lifetime practice. In these last three months I have come to know deeply that I need to step not just back from the role of moderator but out of the role completely here on the forums. As much as I have deeply appreciated being here and assisting, I got back in touch with the fact that I feel best and work best when I focus on a small number of people in my own clinical practice be it in my home office or perhaps via Skype or even telephone once that client and I have established a working relationship. It is what I have done since forever and how I, personally, work best....that in spite of knowing I have helped many of you here on the site and many have helped me.

So I am saying good-bye to my role here as a moderator, grateful to Marty and to all of you for the opportunity it has provided to me to help others. I will, from time to time drop in. I am still and will remain a member. I know folks here are interested in how Bentley, my Golden Retriever (certified therapy dog) is doing. He was diagnosed with a slow growing cancer (a rare form of lymphoma) last May and is doing well as we enter the 10th month since his Dx. Occasional hot spots, enlarged lymph nodes, and currently ear infections (again) rear up but his appetite is outstanding; diarrhea dealt with for many months is gone (knock on wood); he is playful and interactive and enjoys his walks and long naps. He is starting to have trouble jumping onto the bed and into the car so it is time for a ramp/steps. He is due for a blood test once the ears are healed so I can get an idea of the progression of his lymphoma measured only by lymphocytes. I have chosen not to subject him to chemo or radiation or further testing. He is now 11 years and 3 months so I pray he has another year or even two with the help of a miracle. Needless to say he is my living link to Bill and my constant companion/family. Losing him will be very difficult, to put it mildly.

I am not going anywhere...I have a website and am on Facebook, LinkedIn and other social media and will continue working with the bereaved. I am returning to my art and to my very small clinical practice and caring for Bentley. I spend a bit of time each day purging our home of what is not needed or cherished, i.e. clearing my "nest" around me so I can better focus on my inward journey. A few items of Bill's clothing and many of his personal treasures will stay right where they are but over the past almost 5 years I have donated most of his clothing bit by bit as pain and comfort allowed. I did not touch those things for at least two years, by the way. We each do what works for us. His extensive woodworking shop sits waiting for my attention along with a lot of boxes that have not been opened since Bill and I packed them in 2000 previous to our two year motor home adventure on the back roads of North America and then a move to this house. Like you, all of those clothing items, treasures and more have to be dealt with but with absolutely NO pressure or "shoulds"....just dealt with when each of us is ready.

To those new to your grief journey, I urge you, as others here will also, to walk into your pain; feel it; and learn slowly (with great patience-my biggest lesson) how to hold, integrate and live with your grief. How to live with gratitude and grief at the same time. How to find some joy each day eventually, perhaps a tiny one hidden in a memory. Be present to the now. Come here for support and seek out other support with professionals or friends/family as needed. The journey is lonely enough without making it lonelier....learn how to reach out and ask for what you need...a challenge for most.

It has been an honor to be here with and for you as a moderator. And I thank you all for the support you have given to me as I walked the walk along side of you. You have found an incredible gift here in Marty (skilled, experienced, compassionate, dedicated and empathic) and in each other (all wounded healers). Take full advantage of these gifts and for those of you who are in the early raw gut-wrenching days/months of grief, it does get better. No one could have convinced me of that after Bill died but anyone here who has been on this labyrinth of grief for a while will affirm that we learn how to hold our grief as we, with great patience, and over time come to define and live our new normal. I have days where the waves of grief or the grief triggers are frequent and painful but most days the sadness lives more quietly deep in my heart. I expect nothing less. Bill was a part of who I am. We were like two plants growing side by side and our root systems and tendrils of growth not only intertwined but grew into each other becoming a very part of the other plant...like the tendrils of my clematis vine which cannot be separated short of cutting them apart with a blade. They are one as Bill and I have been and always will be.

Bill and Bentley:

Peace to your hearts, Mary