mfh

Well, I could surely sign my name to this entry. My light is out also and on a very rare occasion I experience laughter and do enjoy it. Thanks for sharing what many of us have experienced....the grief monster back in charge again is also quite familiar. Occasionally for a moment or two the grief monster is in the background...not running the show. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, he is in charge again. I write features for my own publication and a friend edits them and a few months ago suggested she do the writing for a while because my spirit was gone. She knew it would return because she has walked this path also but she is doing the writing for now.

I relate to everything you have all said on this board. I know Bill had rough times in the hospital. they kept telling me they felt they would see improvements until one doctor finally said, he is dying. I got Hospice and took him home and he died 5 days later at home. But his hospital stay was awful and i regret even admitting him but thought it would help. I did not know he was so close to death and was told they could help up to the last minute. He was so agitated one day they took the bed out of his room and put the mattress on the floor. Where was my brain that I did not pack him up and take him home right then?

I sleep erratically also...as do so many of you. Let's face it, we are the ones who get it. The charade was so well stated. I feel like I am always faking it...I smile at a lunch with someone and cry all the way home. Close friends know but seldom ask anymore. I have to bring it up and of course hesitate to do so.

I am reading a book (I have devoured about 30 grief books) called Sacred Grief. It is about allowing our grief process to be sacred i.e. honored, respected...as long as it takes. It is very helpful to me.

Oh, I have had to put dogs down and I can't imagine doing that right now. My heart goes out to you. I made a decision when Bill died that when the day comes when my dog has to be put down, even if it feels disrespectful, I will get another dog almost immediately...give a homeless dog a home and make myself feel better all at the same time. I know what it is like to lose a pet but not when you are grieving such a huge loss. I am so sorry.

We all know more than ever before what the survivors are going through. The woman saved by her husband is now walking our path. So sad...I posted this on Facebook for folks to see there. Thanks, Marty. Mfh

I agree weekends are so tough, especially Sundays. Bill and I saved Sundays for us...movie, drive in the country, read books at the book store, whatever....it was our day. And yes, people have moved on. I have been here all day alone. I usually plan to do something on Sunday but today I opted to stay put. It has been silent except for the tv. It is hard for me to remember that this loss happened to me, not to anyone else. Their lives did not change. I am no longer first in anyone's life. They either have someone who is first or if they are alone, they have a lifestyle. We are all trying to figure out a new lifestyle, a new normal and doing it against our wills when we are exhausted and grieving. It is just plain lonely. There is no way around it. I am hoping to get my dog certified to visit hospitals so I can do that on Sundays...help me and help patients but I am just at the beginning of that trek and find myself having to push myself these days. Starting a new year is tough. We are all in the same boat...at least we have that consolation. mfh

Good for you, Mary, to take the time to be present for this event. I will be facing that on March 27 (1st anniversary) and your choice inspires me also. I know all of us will be with you in spirit as you ponder, recollect, remember the good times, cry and cry some more. These are the hardest times of our lives for sure. MFH (Mary)

I am up until all hours of the night. Going to bed is lonely. I don't think it is about taking me further from our life but it is lonely and I am restless and it makes me sad to go to bed alone. mfh

I think we all need to give up worrying about being long winded....we all need this site and sometimes we need to talk a bit.

As for quality of life vs quantity of life...after watching Bill I definitely have put it in my living will that I will do nothing extraordinary. If I get cancer...no chemo. I have two friends who did no chemo. One is enjoying the time she has left. Why do we try to keep people alive? We learn about that after watching one we love suffer but at least we learn.

It has been 9+ months for me, almost 10 and I still cry every single day, sometimes for a long time. I expect it to be the same in 4 more months. We are where we are...we grieve the way we each need to grieve. i am reading a book called Sacred Grief about accepting grief and respecting it. Our culture does not support that concept but we must.

Sleep well,

mfh

Hi Chris,

I am so sorry about how all that happened for you and Tim. It is hard enough to deal with death without having a situation like that happen. I had something similar to that happen and it altered the plans I had around Bill also making it all the more difficult to deal with my loss. It is hard to NOT focus on those things for me and for you but that is the challenge. It is good you got it out...not good to keep stuff buried. MFH

I too have some more first ahead of me. Bill's first birthday since he died, first anniversary of his death coming in March...first spring without him...seems like every day is a first in many ways because nothing is the same and never will be. Your words all inspire me and also help me feel less alone. mfh

I really understand the various ways you miss your spouse. Bill was here for me in so many ways and I am learning that no matter how I try to find most of those they are no more. I do think we can do things to fill some of the void...like join book clubs etc. I took painting classes...but of course, the drive home from those events and places is oh so lonely. Let's face it...no one can take the place of that one special person. I am so sorry for your pain. I understand it, believe me. mfh

Because you Loved Me

Perfect song, Carol Ann. Thank you for sharing so much. I agree, people here can be trusted. We are all in the same boat throwing life preservers to each other. mfh

Thank you, Marty. I really love the song and have it on the slide show I did of Bill's and my life together also. We played it at the funeral and a friend sang it. IZ also has some albums. He has since died but his albums are out there. Thanks, MFH (Mary)

am I normal to have these kinds of feelings?

It is all normal and it won't go away quickly...being with friends is hard but being distracted a little bit helps your body relax a bit. We can't sit home and cry all day every day. It is 9 months and i still cry daily. I know that is not good news but it is real...like for most you read on here. You were also at a peak in your life anticipating your marriage to your fiance and now you are at an all time low for he is gone. Be patient with yourself, talk to those who will listen and let you cry, know that this is not a short road...that is the truth. MFH

It is 9 months since Bill died and I have not yet removed clothing, treasures, toothbrush and more. I look at it and think about it but I know I will do it when I am ready...no sooner. I still struggle with the reality of his death...still stand in the middle of the room telling myself I am having a major nightmare...someday, when it feels right, I will take his clothes to the Hospice store and pass on his rings and re-arrange the furniture so our two chairs are not sitting here side by side. But I am not ready and one thing I am trying to do is be patient with myself, let myself grieve as long as I need to, and do things when it feels ok. It will never feel right but maybe just ok someday. mfh

I doubt I will ever listen to this song without thinking of what I lost. It just speaks to what we had...mfh

I can relate. It is now 9 months and the roller coaster ride goes on. Sometimes I, too, feel as if I am starting over. No days are good but some are a bit easier than others. I guess patience is the name of the journey we are all on...patience and acceptance of where we are. I have talked to people who say year 2 can be harder than year 1 so I am trying to prepare for that...mfh

I know these feelings. I sit here frequently wondering which is the dream....this day without Bill or the many years we shared. It is a blur and I go through pictures to help me know that the joy and love we shared WAS real and DID happen. I urge you to get the photos out...they help. We will all make it through these tough days and years...I just don't know how.

Thank you for putting up the words.

We played this at Bill's funeral...it says so much.

"What's the matter?"

I believe it. I have had that happen...people move on and forget. We do NOT forget and never will. I get frustrated with those remarks but try to blow it off because my grief is enough to deal with without taking on those remarks. People just do not get it. It makes it so much harder, for sure. it is now 10pm...the year ends officially in 2 hours and the new year begins...and I say...who cares. The people on this website get it, people who have lost a close spouse get it and those are the ones who matter. I know about family who do not get it. It hurts. We thought they would understand.

mfh, I am only 2 months into this and am already experiencing what you're talking about.

I understand, Di, I write to Bill every day and it is 9 months. My shock and fog has not lifted...I still can't get my head around this reality. I also get angry at family when they ask questions like that...long story. I spent Christmas with friends and am home here tonight...alone. You do not have to apologize for any feelings. I found lots of information on line about grieving and it helps a lot...and i am a therapist which means nothing when it comes to one's own huge gigantic loss. Hang in there. The road is tough and lonely and some along the way will get pieces of it but I have learned NO one gets it because no one can know what we had and most have not lost a spouse.

I am new to this site but find it helpful as so many others are expressing what I feel. My husband, Bill, died in March and starting a new year (without him) while the world celebrates tomorrow's new beginning feels like I am about to climb Mt. Everest alone. I see others feeling what I feel and that is helping me to stay on track with my grieving process. The world seems to want us to get past it, get through it, move on. How alone I feel as fewer and fewer people understand that I am grieving the biggest loss in my life.

I lost my love on March 27 and I am with you on each of these...first birthday (the day after I buried Bill), first anniversary without him, and today is New Year's Eve and I do not want to start another year without him. We used to do nothing also, sit and fall asleep before the NYC ball hit the bottom but we were together...that was all that mattered. He is gone and 2011 feels like Mt. Everest. As others celebrate a new beginning, I sit here waiting for yet another first to come to an end. I hear you loud and clear. We are not alone. mfh

I just joined this forum tonight when I was sitting here weeping over the loss of the love of my life last March. I do not believe you are being self centered. You are grieving and your tears are healing. I cry every day and some days are worse than others. I am still in shock and 9 months seems impossible to me. I, like you, have no kids...friends are good but as time moves on, they call or ask less often. I still write to Bill each day, talk to him on and off all day....just be yourself and embrace the pain. Try not to look ahead. I get nuts if I look ahead...

This letter is uplifting and feels so right. Thank you, MFH