mfh

I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to our site, a place of support, comfort, non-judgment and caring. I am glad you are here but sad for your loss. You asked for "any encouragine words" and I think the most encouraging thing I can say to you is that you will make it. Many here, including myself, have lost our soulmate/husband/partner and I will be bold enough to say we all wondered how we could ever survive. We are all surviving and working towards thriving and you can also. It takes much patience with the process which is just what grief is-a process that demands attention every day and in these early days it demands attention every minute. I hope you have one or two supportive friends to walk with you through this and we are all here for and with you.

As for being strong or weak, I understand how weak you feel. I felt that way also when my Bill died. But you get up each day, you go to work, you hold it together while you are out there in our grief phobic society. I call that outstanding strength. Your strength is now being re-directed to dealing with the hardest thing you probably have been called to deal with.

I urge you to educate yourself by going to the articles string > and other strings here to gather information about grief itself and about how various members deal with it and have dealt with it. Keep a journal or write letters to your beloved to drain off some of the pain. Cry. The tears of grief are chemically different than other tears and they help heal and tears release the build up of pain and sadness. Do something for yourself each day: bubble bath, good food, long walks, water, etc. And do consider returning here where understanding people have created a "tribe" of support.

Peace to your broken heart, Mary

Anne, Fred is adorable....I am sure you will miss his presence. I can only imagine the pressure you get to move. I totally understand "starting over" somewhere else and giving up the house you shared with Jim. I look ahead and with no family at all here I ask myself if I should consider a move out East to where my sister (5 years younger and HIGH energy) and my nieces are. But THIS is my home. I get it, Anne. I am so glad you had Fred for a while.

QMary, I admire your courage and generosity to have your daughter and granddaughter moving in. One more rule suggestion might include the playing of loud music, which would drive me insane. Just a thought Perhaps we can all visualize the house they will find....so it happens really quickly.

Kay, our last dog Buffy who we had in the woods, got sprayed a few times by skunk. One time he ran directly to our creek and for the most part was not too bad since it was instant clean up but he still lived in the mud room for several days. Tomato juice is NOT a solution we learned...just messy. Time works pretty well once the initial scrub is over. But we do what we do for our furbabies, don't we?

Losing focus comes with loss, vulnerability, exhaustion and grief. Do not condemn yourself. Just back off and take care of yourself and hold these decisions for months from now.

Oh, Karen, it is so good to hear from you. I can only imagine how difficult these weeks are for you. And to know that the hospice services you had were so por only adds to the severity of your pain. I am so sorry. I do hope you will find our support, love, listening ears and caring helpful and take advantage of it as much as you like. We are here for you in every way we can be. Before Bill died he was in the hospital for a while and the care there was a disaster. I got him out of there but he suffered and I think of that often. To know this was your little girl who was not treated well has to. E so very difficult. The only consolation I find when I think of how Bill suffered is to remind myself that he is not suffering now and yes, it took me a long while to get there. Please use us and our love in what ever way you can. Love, mary

QMary, I can totally understand the mixed feelings..pretty normal. You have your privacy, your solitude, your lifestyle and routine and all of that will get affected. On the other hand, it will be fun (perhaps) to have them there and share time and space.

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My dear Elly57

You can see that taking care of yourself is your primary concern. That and those things that can not be delayed...they all seem to surface within the first couple of weeks. As for your husband's wish to give the kids some money, keep in mind that even that desire is totally up to you. Only you know your financial situation. Take care of yourself and if you can afford to give them some token, do so but your own self care is first. That may sound selfish but truly your husband would not want you to suffer hardship because of something he said to you.

Eat good food, drink plenty of water, get outside each day, and as Marty said postpone that which can be postponed. If it is any consolation to you my husband died 4 1/2 years ago and a good part of his clothes are still in his closet. I find it comforting to have them their...special clothes he liked. His rock collection sits on my table; and his tools are still in his workshop. I will get to those things when I get to them. Give yourself permission to listen to your own desires, needs and voice.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is to lose a spouse and also having to deal with these things with his children (and yours). These early days following your huge loss are so very difficult without having issues with families.

I would like to suggest that in regards to his possessions (keepsakes or whatever) that you postpone decisions, that you tell these children to write down what they would like to have and you will keep those requests and deal with them when you can and mail them (if possible) or save them for their next visit and that you not put a time frame on any of it. That gives you time to make decisions that are not flowing from guilt or their pressuring you. Everything he left behind belongs to you right now and your husband requested that you give them a "token gesture of money" and you will do that, I am sure. You do not have to do that now. Wait 6 months or more and then deal with those things. Right now you are numb, exhausted, and feeling UNheard. Take care of yourself right now. Read some of the posts here about these early days/months following the loss of a spouse... Later I will refer you to some articles but in the meantime, there is a string here on articles about grief. This is one of the most difficult losses you will ever experience and you are the only one who is going to take care of you. Try to let that be your focus for a long while.

Anne, I am so glad you will spend the weekend with Fred....no garage work, no cleaning...just Fred. I am trying to find a home for a friend's wonderful kitty and am so tempted to keep her myself as she is just awesome but I won't do that to Bentley (or me). Just glad you have Fred for a few days.

Mary, I am so glad you will get your car in the garage for the winter. It will be so much easier on you. Ironically the garage is on my list also. I do it every fall and this fall I am moving many items (snowblower, chain saws, lathe, one bike -Bill's and more) to the front and see if I can get them sold or given away before winter. Every year there is less in the garage. When the weather changes, I will hit the basement....4 piles (garbage/recycle-Good Will-Sell-Keep). Why do we collect so much "stuff"???

Well, Chris, we still care. Keep in mind that the second year of grief comes with pain of its own and perhaps down the road a while, the pain might ease up some more. Glad you are working as it does help fill your days. I am sorry your kids are not around. What about inviting them over for a meal on a weekend when you are not working?

QMary, so glad you will be monitored more closely with annual aorta ultrasounds. I hope the fear dissipates so you are not feeling every ache and pain is a symptom. I am certain I would be doing the same thing but as time goes on, hopefully that will not happen. I can understand your family's fear esp with your sister in the situation she is in.

Are you meditating? It could help you relax. There are some guiden meditations on the meditation string.

It would be interesting to know why these folks have to be so negative. You get your puppy and enjoy every minute with him

I'm with her...going back and forth

fae, Unless someone has gone through this loss (loss of spouse/partner) it is impossible for them to comprehend the secondary losses. I surely could not do so because I took so for granted all the things Bill did...thanking him but not thinking of the day when he would not be here to share the load.

My garage light burned out 6 months ago so coming home at night all was dark. I knew paying someone to move the fixture which was about 18 feet up...would cost money. So I let it go and one day I was thinking about our Ouray CO home with its 19 foot ceiling and recessed lighting and bam...I remembered we had an extension thing that we used to change the bulbs. Ordered one from Amazon for $20 and changed the bulbs. All that just to change a light bulb that Bill would have changed almost before I realized it was burned out. Like you and others here, this list of secondary losses goes on and on and each one opens the wound that has a thin membrane on it because it keeps getting torn open. I sort of wish I had kept a list these 4+ years (and before also) of all these secondary losses....not sure why.

I hear your pain, feel your pain and relate to your pain. And yes, somehow we heal with support, reading, patience, love. You are not doing this journey alone as much as it feels that way many times. We are all here for and with you.

Peace

Mary

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/secondary-loss-one-loss-isnt-enough/

Secondary Loss: One Loss isn't Enough?

http://beyondmeds.com/2014/10/15/heart-breaks/

Powerful words for all of us.

"And sometimes, when the heart fully opens, it breaks with grief first." ~ Sara Harris

There is more for you at this link.

Mary, I am so glad you are taking care of yourself and your nest while your sister is in quarantine. Your plate has been so full these past months and creating order in our nests helps to create peace. For women, especially, our homes are our nests and nests are places of nurturing and safety and birth. When I work with women (and some men) in therapy and they are attempting to make sense of their lives and feelings, among the suggested "homework" ideas is to room by room put their home (nest) in order. Purge stuff and simplify their surroundings. It is very healing and as you say peaceful. I usually take on a room at a time and if I am tired I start with the easiest room or closet.

I am glad you are considering carefully monitoring your alcohol intake. Alcohol will only make you feel worse and truly is not needed at all when you are already sad.

As for eating, another tool you can use in addition to Marty's wise advice ( if you are worried about gaining weight ) is to eat mindfully and the easiest way I know of to do that is to write down everything you eat. That gives you a moment to think before you eat and also provides you with information about what you are eating and where you can make changes. But frankly I agree with Marty that worrying about weight right now is only going to add to your anxiety. Consider changing what you eat as she suggested.

You might ask yourself if food is something that is comforting you or helping you stuff feelings down or both. Perhaps write down your feelings so you are aware of them. Walking into our pain helps us to heal.