Country Sunshine

Yes, I have suffered panic attacks for years... and have Xanax to help me through the tough ones.... but I am aware of the dangers they present and so for the past 8 years or so, I have kept my intake to a minimum... however since my husband passed, the attacks are back with more frequency and intensities... and they come out of nowhere...so I take 1/4 mg in the am, and 1/4 in the pm, and so far that keeps them at bay... I just wish it would stop by crying episodes... I hope you all can find a way to keep those episodes at bay...

of total confusion..... I do have friends that have been through this, but they have children that are there for them.... I live alone with my dogs and kitties and it is not like having a human to relate to at home. But I prayed for God to please send me someone that I really could relate to. A week later, the phone rang .... it was a fellow I had not spoken with for more than 30 years... But best of all, he was a good friend of my husbands and they had worked together for a number of years.... but when we all retired, we went different ways and simply lost touch. We moved twice, he moved twice...but thanks to God and thanks to the head of the retirees association where they both retired from, he got a notice that my beloved has passed.... along with my contact information should he care to write or call.... He too had lost his "soul mate" some years ago, and so said he understood what I was going through... He does have a son and so he said if it were not for that, then he has no idea what would have become of him... After several phone calls, he asked if I would like for him to continue to call as he would love to be my "prayer partner" and also to be there for me to reach out to no matter what time of the day.... He cared deeply for my beloved and I remember so many times we all got together so many times at one another home or just for an evening out.. He lives quite a long way from me, so travel for visit is not possible...at least not at the moment... I just cann't drive that far and he is not well enough to drive the distance... so we will simply have to be content with the blessing of Pa Bell's invention. It is nice to hear funny stories about my beloved when they worked together that I had not heard about.. and also some that I had.. and recalled.. It all makes my cry, but sometimes those stories make me laugh as well.. so this is a wonderful blessing.. This interaction sure does soften the ache some... but I still ache so terribly, knowing that I cann't reach out to touch him any longer... and so I weep... There is a gospel song by Jason Crabbe that really sums it all up .... It is called "Sometimes I cry" and is on youtube... It sure does tell is exactly how I am... Thank you for listening to my rambling...

Thank you all for your input and thoughts and prayers..... If it were not for Jesus and my church family, I have no idea how I would manage to get through even one day. I really don't want to move. But I will give it a year and see how it goes then.

I did manage to get something postive done this am. I got my dogs to the Rabies Clinic for their annual shots... then home again to find that the fellow that was interested in some of Bob's tools,etc.. made me a rather insulting counter offer... I have decided to just try to sell the entire wood shop contents for one price.. Including most of the cabinets. I spent about an hour going through and picking out "girl stuff" like screwdrivers, scrapers, plyers, and a few other things that I know I will use... but spending time with my beloved's things just puts me right over the edge... Every time I pick up a sander, I remember his hands working it... etc... and now I am again careening off the walls..... I don't get online much anymore except to clear out a lot of spam from my email box mostly. I don't feel as if I have anything to offer anyone here or anywhere else that is of a postive nature, but at least I feel comfortable to come here and just vent and then try to sleep off some of my frustrations. Hugs to all...

It has only been 67 days since my beloved passed, but sometimes it seems like forever ago and other times it is like he is still here and I go to looking for him down in his Man Cave. Today was especially difficult as a fellow from church came to look over my beloved's wood working shop with all that 40 years of serious wood crafting gathers... He chose several items, set them aside in another empty room here in the basement and asked that I come up with a price for his chosen items. The cash will help me financially, but not mentally... So many suggest that I consider selling this home as it is quite large just for me and my critters and a lot to maintain. I have a couple of acres to mow and much of it is on a hillside... and I admit I am afraid of that. But I cannot afford to pay someone $120 to mow it for me. My sentimental side tells me that my beloved and I built this place with our own hands and even drew up our own plans for it... but then on the other hand, I could cut out a couple of acres from the meadow we own and put in a double wide. It isn't as if I need a home that is built to last 50 years because I won't be here that long for sure. On one hand I love this place and all the plantings and sunroom and kitchen and the fact that I have plenty of storage space, then on the other hand, I don't need all that storage space and could very well live in a 1200 to 1500 square foot space... and I could be debt free and have a nice nest egg left over. (If I could sell this place) ... My mind is spinning from leaning one way to the other.. and toss in other options such as my niece in Wichita KS has expressed a desire for me to sell and move in with her... She and I have always been close. My daughter has yet to even express any kind of condolences on my loss.... but perhaps that is my fault. I didn't raise her as I was an unmarried woman when I found myself with child and circumastances forced me to place her for adoption. We reconected 13 years ago and it has been rocky at best. She has been extremely hateful and actually is trying to drive a wedge between me and my niece... I have no other children or family. But for me to leave these beautiful TEnnessee hills and hollows would be difficult ... I don't know if I am just blabbing incoherent circles here, and if I am, please forgive me and ignore this post.. I am just so confused and hurt and just don't know which way to turn. I have depended heavily upon my church family, but I don't want to become a bother with my crying and all... I just don't know which way to turn... My God how this hurts... Carolyn

It's not even been two months yet and already some have asked me about dating again.. I just tell them that is simply wouldn't be fair to whomever I would be with because I would compare them with Bob, and not really be able to see them for who they are on their own... That usually squelches that kind of talk...

Today was a bit better.. I spent the day pretty much downstairs sorting through a lot of boxes and Christmas Ornaments. I found a lady that wants to buy what I don't wish to keep. So, she will end up getting about 3/4 of them.. All I want are a few for the tree and the mantle. My neice called and we talked for quite awhile.. and she said she would call me again tonight. She has called every day since Bob died... what a blessing she is in my life... I wish she lived closer. (((( Hap)))) I am so glad you have been blessed with a bit of new peace... it is a step in the right direction. I am going to talk to Bro. Ronnie tomorrow about a session with him.. Thank you all for being here...I will keep you all in my prayers.. Carolyn

Thank you all. I do think that I may be sinking into depression.. so I have taken up walking... rain, shine, or cold.. not hot though because of my heart issue... When I walk, I tend to talk out loud to Jesus. There is a place that I found next to the creek, and a place for me to get on my knees before the Lord and pray.. the dogs frolic in the creek... and there is where I get really refreshed and renewed.. as if a parent or sibling has taken my hand and lifted me up... But those rainy stormy days... those are the ones that really set me back and I tend to stay in bed long hours. Then when it is again nice, I have to force myself to get up, and get dressed and on out the door. And the meltdowns are so severe... oh my gosh.. they literally take my breath away and I have trouble breathing... My pastor is a grief counselor, but he has way too much on his plate right now for me to even think of asking for his help.. He is bivo and teaches high school math, but will be off for the summer.. so that is when I plan to see him for some help.... I was a 3 pack a day smoker at one time as well as dangerously close to being alcholic, so I am really leary of taking drugs. I do take a low dose Xanax every day though and that tend to help the tension and anxiety quite a lot. Thanks you Hap... I appreciate your words.. and I do take then in the spirit in which you gave them. ((((( Hap )))))

Does anyone else do this? I tend to WANT to sleep the remainder of my life away. It makes time go by faster and in my mind, that brings me that much closer to being with the Lord and my beloved. Does that makes sense?? Or am I going nutz here... It is so hard to try to stay above the tsunami of emotion that washes over me and makes it nearly impossible to even breathe... Caorlyn

And he will be there to sing to you with the angels... Carolyn

That is such a beautiful testimony to the love you shared. Thank you for sharing it with us. Carolyn

I cannot even begin to imagine losing two spouses.... One is almost more than I can bear. But everyone tells me that although the pain will never go away, that it will eventually dull and become more of an ache instead of exquisite agony... There are lots of supportive folks here and we all know that kind of pain. So, you are in good company. For me, when my beloved Bob died last January 31, it was as if someone had taken an ax and cut me in half.. but I am so very thankful that the Lord has taken over and been my support for that missing half so that I could get up and walk each day alongside of Him. My thoughts are with you.. Carolyn

Amen... that pretty much says it all..

(((((Cheryl))))) I'm not even 2 months into it and already folks are saying how strong I am and all that. It just reminds me of an old Smokey Robinson song called "Tracks of my tears".. All looks good on the outside, but I am tore up on the inside... and the horror of realizing he isn't coming home to me washes over me like a tsunami and threatens to smother me at times. I know that there are things that need doing and even more frustrating is my arthritis is threatening to keep me from accomplishint much with my hands. They work well open, but lock up when I close my hands... and then I begin to feel so totally lost and helpless ..... and only Christ is able to bring me around enough so as to put another smile on my face if only for a little while. I just want this excruciating pain to stop or if not stop ... then perhaps subside a bit... but it isn't doing any of that. Carolyn

I wrote this during the time between Bob's death and his Memorial Service on Valentine's Day. I am not a poet at all, so much of it may not make sense, but it is what was in my heart. Since Yesterday! It seems like such a long time since yesterday When Bob was right here with us. Though growing old and sometimes struggling, He brought us so much cheer with his hugs, and little kisses of love But now as we stand along this shore, We can’t trace the path Christ leads him down, We only know that since yesterday He sees his Savior's face. His first day home since yesterday! We wonder at that thought! One day we will know that special joy That moment must have brought him No clouds, no mists, no rain since yesterday, No pain, no questions, "Why?" Unshadowed now he sees the sun (son) and time has passed him by. We miss him so since yesterday, Each memory rises up in our minds, And for just a moment he again is here alive. How we long to share & see his smile, And feel his special love….. Yet, could we call him back again, To leave the delight of his soul?? To leave the gladness of the morning For one more pain filled night? Ah, no, we release him to the Lord, To let him go with joy, Because we will meet again one day and We would not want to take away the joy he's known since yesterday. We cannot deny the special gift the Savior had to give? For he who struggled so for life, has just begun to live! Then later on I wrote this as well, and I read this myself at the service. It’s our tears of grief that can become the waters of new life. Let’s keep our hearts focused on Christ, who is Altogether Good and Lovely as we lift this aching root of our grief high in praise and thanksgiving. In Grace and Beauty all His own, he will create a tree of life out of this root of grief. Let’s all, tear by tear transform it into a source of inspiration, freedom and Life. And so my hearts says……. “Here I am Lord…… use me to inspire so that you can transform”…. It’s my wish that we all pray for this very thing from this day forward..