haveFAITH

Hello REM— I have been following your story to receive helpful tips on a similar situation that I am facing as well. It is nice to be able to come onto this site and share your situation with strangers going through the same things. I just wanted to say to you, that I admire your strength and will to triumph through this messy time in your life. I want to remind you to stay strong and that there are many people counting on you right now to just remain positive of this all turning out to be okay in the end. Now, I understand that you are going through a stressful time right now –both with your mother and grandmother being in the hospital. But if there is anything that I may ask of you, it is to put your faith in God. He can do so much more for you, than your girlfriend or her mother ever could. When you are feeling alone, sit in a quiet room by yourself, JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES, and tell him out loud --all of what is going on. Cry out loud if you need to. He is listening. I promise you, it helps to let it out. You have so much going on inside of you, your mind probably racing every minute of the day. LET IT ALL OUT. Release the turmoil from inside of you. Release the anger that she has broken up with you without an explanation. Release the tears of loneliness that you are feeling now. LET IS ALL OUT. Yell if you need to. And once you do all of that, you’ll find yourself sitting in silence. Your mind will have nothing left to think about, because you just let it all out. You’ll feel refreshed, even if it is just for an hour or so. It will help. Now, obviously you cannot repeat this exercise every time you are feeling this way, but sometimes you can get a pen and a pad, keeping it handy with you throughout the day and just write everything down. If you are angry, write that you are angry. Then explain why. Explain what will make you feel better. Make it very clear. As far as what is going on with your girlfriend right now. She is not herself. She needs time to heal, and unfortunately –she has enough going on in her life, to be dealing with anymore. I know –BELIEVE ME—how awful it is, and how crazy it can make you, each time someone tells me I need to give something “THE TIME”, and to be patient. I hate it too. But it is the only way. If you want her back, you need to prove that you are listening to her. When she is saying that she needs some time apart, listen to her, respect her thoughts, and instead of telling her what you want differently –tell God. He can change her mind. You cannot. Her mother cannot. Just because she said it was over now, doesn’t mean her words are set in stone until the end of time. Nothing she ever says is permanent. Just allow her a little while to have a change of heart. Speak to the higher power.

Kay -That story of your daughter's was so beautiful! Was it true?? I am in such admiration of you, to have been able to be so patient with everything. Even when your daughter couldn’t stick it out, you were there to hold the pieces together for them. They really do have you to thank! But I must ask -how do you do it? What are your techniques for being able to remain so calm and patient in the moment? …that feeling of wanting to do something so badly, how do you stop yourself, and remind yourself to not be selfish of your feelings, but instead respecting of theirs? Tom –I am in the same boat as you. THE SAME BOAT. Except, I am a girl and this is happening with my guy. We had a relationship going strong, his father got sick, so he started distancing himself from me, his father passed. Then a few months later …I left him alone for a while, and that space made him wonder “Wait. Where did she go?” Then he called me. We were together again for a while. Then Christmas came, he had a wave of grief, missing his father again. He disappeared again, and we speak here and there, where he gives me moments of false hope… and it makes me go crazy, because all I want, all I miss is the person he used to be… and I keep looking for him. But you know Tom… just think about it. You are missing her. But she is missing her father! You have the hope of her “coming back in September”, she has no hope. Her father is gone. You know how, just as when you go out with your friends, or your family, you can’t eat or sleep and you feel sick all the time, you’re sad and you just want to be alone –BECAUSE YOU MISS HER… SHE IS MISSING HER FATHER—and she needs the space to be alone. It is not that you hate your family or your friends and that is why you don’t want to be with them, or you feel sick and sad everytime you are around them. It is just because you are going through something right now. And once you can fix that, you will be able to concentrate on your friends and family again. That is the same thing with her, and you. Just give her some space. She will come back. Imagine your mother pressuring you all the time, to stay at the family dinner, to do things you don’t want to do. It would make you more and more angry with your mother. Right? –That is the same way she is getting angry with you. For keeping on pressuring her to be with you right now. If you want this to work, you have to give it some time. Please. I promise it will work out for you. Love is a strong bond, and when it is true, it doesn’t go away. Whatever you are feeling, she is feeling it too. Just give her some time. And keep me updated with what’s going on. Best of luck! (to the both of us)

Thank you. And you're right, it really does help to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing. ...I appreciate your advice to move forward with my own life, but some days I feel guilty. I feel guilty being happy when I know that someone else that I love is in so much pain. There was an example shown in another post of how the person suffering through grief has been hit with a wave and is now drowning, trying to make it to shore, and all I can do is sit on the sand and wait for them to find their way back. That, to me, is awful! To sit and watch, instead of going out there to bring them back? I believe that you're right though. Me continuously trying to talk to him probably will give the message that I am being needy. It is not my intention to give that message, because I do in fact, do everything on my own, and have a lot going for me right now.. As far as education and work. I have developed new habits and new ways to keep myself busy.... I am always tired after a 9 hour work day, eat, sleep, and repeat. Its not like I'm waiting by the phone for him to call, but I just find it so hard to focus when I'm doing anything else, again ..because I feel guilty being happy. Atleast if I knew he was somehow happy too. Even if its without me... I wouldn't have that guilt of moving on.. He has told me recently that he's depressed, and so tired of being hurt. That he wanted to die so that he never had to experience the death of anyone else like this, ever again. And I'm scared! I don't want to contribute more to that "hurt" by moving on and leaving him behind. I don't want to regret not helping him if I could have, say if anything terrible were to happen to him?? This is emotional turmoil. And I really want to find my way through it. I need help.

Hello all, I would just like to state that I came upon this discussion when I too was researching about the topic on google. All of this talk and advice has helped me so much because I am also going through the same thing, and have been feeling so alone because I feel as if no one understands what i'm dealing with. I started dating a boy last year. We met as just friends, but there was a spark between us right from the very start. At the time he was dating his girlfriend of 2 years but having trouble with her because they failed to meet eye to eye. We spent a lot of time talking about how he can make things better with her, but the result turned out to be our relationship growing into something more instead. He ended up leaving her for me, and as well as that, his father had just gotten word that he had become free from cancer that he had been suffering with for about six months prior. This time in both our lives, were so happy and carefree …because not only were we in “the high” of a new relationship, but also because he was carrying less weight on his shoulders from his father’s illness. We each fell in love with how easy our ability was to communicate with one another. A few months later, his father had returned to the hospital to find that the cancer was back. The guy I was with became more and more distant from me, and I found that he instead was becoming closer to his ex girlfriend again. His father passed away within a month. His girlfriend came back into the picture, and I did everything I could to back off, since I didn’t feel like it was my place to make any sort of demands. I made it my business to be supportive in going to both the wake and the funeral, not so much for him, but for me… because I felt as though this boy was a part of my life, and so this was a part of my life that I needed to experience as well. Months later I got a call from him saying that he would like nothing more than to have me back in his life. We spent time together again as though we had never been apart. Everything resumed, and took off right from where it left off. Again, it was a dream. And I really felt as though he was it for me. I imagined myself marrying this man some day and living a life with him. And when he would be upset, I wanted to be the one to take care of him. Not today, but for every time he feels that way, because taking care of him makes me feel good. And when he takes care of me, I feel good. When the first Christmas without his father came around, he began to withdraw again. The ex girlfriend managed to find her way back into the picture again, and although we speak from time to time, I don’t know where we stand. He has said that he has gone into a severe state of depression and cannot focus on anything else except the loss of his father. Although it hurts me to not be able to take care of him and make this better, there is nothing I wish for more. And that is all that I am able to focus on. It has been a few months and the last thing I had said to him was that I would be there, for him to call me, if he ever needs anything from me… but I haven’t heard. I am so afraid to lose him, not as a companion, but as a person. It hurts me to know that I could have the ability to save him, but I just don’t know how or what to do. I battle with the frustration of not being able to bring him back to shore. When I speak to my girlfriends regarding the subject, they say things such as “Go out and live your life! Forget about him! Meet someone else!” …and I just become so angry thinking that, or hearing that –that I too have distanced myself from them and find myself feeling so alone in this. I find myself waking up every morning, feeling the same as the day before, repeating everyday as if I am living on auto-pilot… just waiting for him to come back. Waiting for him to become himself again. I feel as though a year has passed, but at the same time, time is frozen, and everything is the same, and I don’t know what to do next? Please advise me.