haveFAITH

Miri, dont ask for your things. Set a time (like October), wait it out (while living your life), and if nothing changes by then ...then you can use "asking for your things back" as your excuse.

I am so sorry, and I know how painful this is for all of you.

No. What you did was not wrong, nor was it a mistake. It was a kind thought, and the only reasoning for having done something like that was simply because you love him. That is it. There is no argument or further justification or thought on how or why you could have done such a thing. You love him, and that answer should be enough for you to fall asleep at night with. You should be proud of yourself for having the compassion and courage to be so willing to go to that great length for him. Again, I know how you feel when it comes to the last meeting have been so emotional. The last time I saw my guy, it became so far into the "I love you so much and never want to let you go" stage, that we ended up spending the night together (if you know what I mean), and once we both parted ways to go to work in the morning, I haven't seen him since. That was over a month ago now, and we haven't spoken in almost 2 weeks. Ofcourse, as a girl, this kills me. .....I wonder if I may have pushed it too soon, should I have done more listening and talking instead of allowing it to (go back to the way it was) ...or should I have never let it get to that point, because now it is too much pressure for him to even think of coming back? ...I don't know. But you can't drive yourself crazy with all the "what if"s. You really just need to remember that he is HUMAN. Although he is a guy, and we don't understand their gender most of the time, you need to know that he really is just like you. If you're missing him and wondering what he's doing or thinking about how you haven't spoken to him since the airport scene ..just remember, that he too has thoughts and emotions and may very well be thinking about it too. Maybe its just not time yet, and he is not ready to "feel happy" yet. My guy would say the same thing to me ....when we came together he would call me his "saving grace". Do you know how badly that makes me (even moreso) want to save him now? After all ...I am ther saving grace right? No. You can't save anyone that doesn't want to be saved. Give him time and he will come find you. Stop pressuring him. Don't text, call or make your statuses on facebook have anything to do with anything that relates to him. This weekend I have decided to help me find a way to feel free from all of these negative emotions that have had be shackled to the bottom of a well (as so it feels) ...and so, I am going skydiving!!! I'm really nervous and scared, but believe that if I can get through that, I can do anything!!! ...and when I post pictures like that on facebook, of myself going out, and living my life, and being happy.. And free ...it will be an attraction rather than a persuation for him to miss me and want to know what's going on in MY fun, healthy, exciting, free.. life. You only have one. Don't waste it on someone who may not appreciate your efforts in the end. As far as I'm concerned, you getting on an airplane, then him forcing you to go back? You've done enough. Its really reached a point where if he wants your help, he can come out and ask for it, just as he asked you to take it back.

Although what Daughter has said may have been in a way that was more straight forward and harsh....... it is true. True even for myself. Hard to hear, hard to accept, and even harder to put into practice (which is why we all come back here to help each other get through it). Day by day. One day at a time. As sad as it is think of now, you will move past Fern.

Because it is alot of pressure. All those people he is walking around seemingly fine with, it is because he has no obligation to them. No questions to answer, no way that he has to act in order to hold their respect. He is simply trying to find himself a way back to feeling normal again before he can get into being that way with you again. It didnt work out for Tom when he "snapped", it didnt work out for me when I had done it in the past. You will push him away even farther and make yourself feel even worse, as well as prolonge the process. Please listen to me even though I know it is easier said than done. GIVE IT TIME.

Miri, every time you contact him you are extending the date of his return. It is so important for you to take a step back and find something else to do with your life so that you are not so focused on this. I am in the same boat as you, so I do know how it feels. It was a month and a half ago when I last saw him, and it was very intimate. He has not had a proper conversation with me since. How do you suppose that feels to a girl? Devastating. Desperate. All of those feelings. Then remember last week he asked if I wanted to join him and the friend for dinner and I did not end up going? Do you know how much I wish now that I would have? Even though it’s probably better off that I didn’t. But just to see him again, how good it would feel. Then remember after that invitation to dinner, he ended up going with one of his guy friends who told him all about how he thinks I like him now…… (AS IF!! HE WISHES!!!) but last week when I first heard this from him and tried defending myself, he didn’t even want to hear it. Do you know how awful it feels to be accused of something like that, when it is nowhere close to true?? Its gut wrenching. And I am so sorry to say, that after all this mess there are still times when I am sitting in my car alone and I still think of him. I wonder if he’s thinking about me too. But I would not be the first to call!! That is a mistake. After trying so hard (you sending him a card, calling, texting everything…..) he knows you’re interested. If he wants to respond to that, he will. You can’t force it on him. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Wouldn’t you be sick of some guy who was making himself so available? You have to understand that if you step away, he will have gotten so used to your calling, texting etc… that he will wonder where you have gone, and actually make the effort to find out. Just give it time. And who knows! In that time, you might find someone who’s actually well worth your efforts! (although that is a thought so unimaginable right now, because all you want is HIM –believe me, in time it gets better.) This past two weekends I have been going out to get my mind off of everything. I went hiking up in the mountains last week, then horseback riding this week and next week I want to get out to the island and go skydiving!  It is really distracting to do while you’re “waiting”…and if you take pictures as you go along on all of these adventures, and post them on facebook, he will eventually see them and see how exciting of a life you are living without him! Don’t post any pictures with other guys to make him jealous. That does not work, it just pushes him farther away. Just make it known how happy you are, just living your life and SMILING! It will make him miss you, and want you in his life to make him smiling too.

Tom dear, in reading all of the things you have done for Fern... I respect you for having done so. "Well I f****** care for her, I was there to comfort her, I was the one who helped her by, I was the one who answered her calls and ran around for her whilst she was struggling to deal with it all!" But all of those were things that you did for her that were extra. She never asked for it, but you did it, because you were being a true gentleman. But now, what was the one thing that she DID ask you for? ...to give her some time and space for a while, right? And that seems to be the one thing that you cannot do. Trust me, I do know how this feels, as I am going through the EXACT same thing. But that is one thing that someone had pointed out to me. You’re doing this and that and everything for her because you love her, but what about the one thing she actually is asking you to do? I know it is SO SO hard, but sometimes the best thing to do –is just to do nothing. Please keep us updated with this and let us know how you are coping. We are all here to help each other through this.

I hate this feeling so much, that it hurts me to even see that there are others going through the same thing. I hope it is all over, and we are all smiling again soon.

How is it going Swedish? Any updates on how this has turned out?

How are you doing Tammy?

Tom, the same thing happened with me too. Which makes it even more difficult.. where he kissed me and told me he loved me the last time we had seen each other. We spent the night talking until 7 in the morning. I still live with my mother, and come from a rather strict family, so she was not happy with me coming home so late. But I felt like it was worth having gotten the chance to talk him through what he was feeling. It was such an emotional evening which I haven’t yet put out of my mind. It has been one month since that evening and I somehow have to control my feelings now because they don’t match up to what his focuses are at the moment. With the whole “not being able to rely on him” thing that is a part of my current situation, I may think of things differently now and believe it would be harder to reconsider reconciling, should the opportunity come around. I have done what the both of you are doing in terms of throwing myself into my job. I work almost 60 hours a week, and manage to throw myself into being at the gym when I am not at work. Being with friends can help sometimes, but often it is not the same. I don’t feel that my problems are enough of theirs (nor should it be), but they just don’t understand sometimes. It is often that friends will listen to you, but expect to be advised on whatever is going on with their boyfriends/girlfriends as well, and it’s probably selfish, but I am not in the position to help them through anything right now, and therefore find myself distancing myself from them until I am “well” –so to speak. Being in this position is rather isolating and lonely and I really hope to be out of it soon. Miri, it must hurt you to hear that I have been going through this for the past six months, and Tom the past three… and even this much time later we have not progressed far from where you are. Being in this situation is really testing of your patience, as I wake up every day wondering if “today is the day”. And I have found myself not appreciating what I have as much as I should. I have a great job, and house, and amazing friends, and its summer out there! Great weather!! So much to do!!! …but here I am sitting in front of a computer screen dwelling. It upsets me even more to know that. Really, just hoping and praying for this all to be over soon. My deepest desire is for the sun to come shining through these grey clouds that stand above us all.

This must be normal, because reading your story is SERIOUSLY like reading my own. We were so close right after the loss, then it turned into a break where we chose to "give eachother space to breath for 4 days" ...and it has been six months of this on & off "I miss you's" but never acting upon it, due to the fear that I may think we're suddenly "BACK IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT HE CANT HANDLE RIGHT NOW"....................... It is frustrating. And I am learning with you.

It blows my mind how similar your situation is to mine. I went through the same exact thing. In my case, his birthday was in March and I was angry about him not having spoken to me in a while. The way I thought of it -I knew it would catch his attention if I chose not to wish him a happy birthday, rather than being looked at like everyone else who wished him that day. As a way to attract his attention, rather than pursuing it –I ignored the date. It wasn’t until a month and a half later when we finally saw each other for a mutual friend’s get together that he brought it up saying, “hmm… you didn’t even wish me a happy birthday! Did you? ” And my response to that had simply been, “I tried to contact you before that, and you never honored my trials with a response, so what’s the point?” And he sort of respected that. It is important for a man to see that you respect yourself, before he respects you. Value yourself enough to just back off for a little while, and allow him to realize what a wonderful person you are for himself, instead of it being forced. “Attract, instead of pursue” –that was the best advice I ever got.

Do you like to read Kay? Have you ever heard of the Secret, By Rhonda Burne? ...give it a try. Perhaps there is a deeper meaning behind each habitual heartbreak

It is a gutt wrenching feeling that we are all experiencing. And it is true, that it feels almost as if this has been scripted -with how similarly we are all facing this situation. And, as it seems, there is a scripted answer. --Be patient, and carry hope inside of your heart.

You know that giving up is not the answer Kay. You just have to keep believing that tomorrow will be better than today. What is meant to be, is inevitable.

I am surprised to hear that you've said his answer to this is "it would be expensive, I'm not sure we can afford it". This is not a house pet we are dealing with. It is a family! Im not sure why he does not see that, and I can see how that can be frustrating for you. If by "adoptions gone bad" your mother in law means that the child either --goes back to his parents, or parents come back looking for the child-- I can see how they could be hesitant to go through something like that again. You are in a very tough position dear, and I am struggling with you, to find an answer to give you. I pray for you tonight, I pray for you to pull through this and for there to be light on the other side of it. Also, Tammy, at the risk of sounding completely ignorant here –have you been to the doctor to discuss any options at all that may provide even an inch of hope, perhaps a surgery of some kind –that may allow you to ever have children of your own with your husband? Are adoption or remarriage really your only two options?

Tammy, could it be that he simply (And please don’t take offense to this. PLEASE.) but maybe he looked as your nephew as someone else's responsibility that has been dropped into his lap? Could it be that he always knew that this child would turn 18 someday and move away to be with his “real parents” …and that built up a defense. Perhaps there could be some built up sadness of not being able to have a child of his own with you after the devastating surgery, that he has completely built up a wall towards the idea of having any “other” children. Men are different from women. They are extremely egotistical and possessive. It is something to perhaps discuss –maybe therapy can help? Maybe a child adopted that your husband sees through its birth -might create more compassion in his heart? A sense that he is his father and that is his son. But again, I don’t know if that would solve the issue of personal possession. It is just an idea I am stemming to be discussed between those that are close to you, and know your situation better.

That is crazy! I cannot believe she has a new boyfriend............................

God bless you -this is all so confusing as it seems nothing is making her happy right now. Good luck with the marraige counseling. Perhaps they will be able to dig into what is really bothering her.

Thats lovely... atleast you were able to put yourself out there. Proud of you

I would love to know, how did this go??

This story is absolutely heart breaking. It sounds to me like you have spent a "more than normal" amount of time thinking about this and in turn, have already made your decision. Before taking any action, two things are to be addressed. First, do you see yourself ever being able to move past the desire to be a mother? Do you ever see yourself moving past the resentment toward your husband for driving your nephew away? If the answer is no, then I think the next step is clear. Secondly, I think your husband deserves fair warning -so that he isn't caught completely off guard. Ask him (it doesn’t have to be in a way that sounds as if you’re offering an ultimatum, or be threatening in any way) …just ask. Communicate peacefully. Express your overwhelming desire to be a mother and have a child of your own, and express that you will not be able to live happily until that is met. See what he has to say about it. If his ideas don’t match yours and he is unwilling to recognize your pain –or be compromising in any sort of way, again, the choice is clear. If you aren’t happy, it isn’t to your husband to blame. It isn’t your brother’s or your nephew’s. It is yours. You are responsible for your life. For your growth and your change. You have one life, and it is yours to go through. I believe that God sends us messages in the form of a whisper to our hearts. Sit quietly in a room one day, and just listen for that whisper. Connect with yourself. Do what you feel. And I ask, that you keep me updated.

Loving husband, just follow your heart. Whatever is meant to be in the end --will be. Listen to the whispers of your destiny. You know more about your marraige then the councelor does. If you feel in your heart of hearts that you need to be more affectionate and fight for your wife --do it. If you feel it is best to allow her to go through this, the way she is because it might be what needs to be --let it. Dont force anything. Allow everything to flow peacefully, day by day. Please keep us updated on your situation.

Is there an update to what is going on with this situation serge?